This seems like a silly question but I've been struggling with my (insane!) future in-laws for a while now. I'm getting married in July to a man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, but his parents have gone completely bonkers over the wedding. They are of a different faith than I, and insist upon doing the whole wedding "their way", without any compromises whatsoever to my religious views because that would ruin the sanctity of their traditions. Whenever I suggest any modifications, they tell me that they are hurt that I don't appreciate their religion and culture and traditions.

How to deal with crazy in-laws is fodder for an entire forum, I know, but I think we've reached an agreement where they have their ideal wedding on Saturday, and my fiancé and I have our ideal wedding on Sunday. The problem now is: what date goes onto the marriage certificate? I'm willing to go through a wedding ceremony that I don't believe in to appease my future in-laws, but I don't want that to be my actual wedding date!

Please help!

I've never heard of 2 weddings/wedding dates before. The closest I've seen is the resort wedding during a vacation on one date (family only) and reception back home at a different date. As for the dates, surely both weddings can't be the 'official' where you are both signing documents?

I must say that the future with your in-laws does not bode well. I hope you are not living near them.

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Originally Posted by sfgirl

This seems like a silly question but I've been struggling with my (insane!) future in-laws for a while now. I'm getting married in July to a man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, but his parents have gone completely bonkers over the wedding. They are of a different faith than I, and insist upon doing the whole wedding "their way", without any compromises whatsoever to my religious views because that would ruin the sanctity of their traditions. Whenever I suggest any modifications, they tell me that they are hurt that I don't appreciate their religion and culture and traditions.

How to deal with crazy in-laws is fodder for an entire forum, I know, but I think we've reached an agreement where they have their ideal wedding on Saturday, and my fiance and I have our ideal wedding on Sunday. The problem now is: what date goes onto the marriage certificate? I'm willing to go through a wedding ceremony that I don't believe in to appease my future in-laws, but I don't want that to be my actual wedding date!

Please help!

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Hey, I am a Wedding Co-ordinator full time. I hve a suggestion which will work well for what you both need.

Have the wedding on the Saturday done the way your in laws want to do it.

On the Saturday have the wedding the way your in laws to be want it, and then on the Sunday just have a ceremony (not an actual wedding where a register needs to be signed) but an exchange of vows in front of your friends & family (you could in fact right your own vows) - if you are a christian/Catholic then you could do this and have a vicar (appropriate to each religion)conduct a blessing. Then you can go on to enjoy your reception drinks, wedding breakfast, evening buffet, band/disco - whatever you decide to have afterwards. So it would be exactly the same as wedding, but without having to sign the register twice, because I am not sure you can do that. It would almost be like those who renew their wedding vows after so many years of being married.

Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately this is the kink in the solution that we anticipate them coming up with, namely they want "their" ceremony to be the legitimate one, if we end up having two. My fiancé was raised in that faith and was always envisioning himself married in that way as well, until this began and his parents became so unreasonable about having it exactly the way they want it. Now we are both leaning towards a "fusion" ceremony but they won't accept it, and if they do, they want their officiant and date on the marriage license.

You're right, NeedKarma, this goes beyond wedding planning. I am really anxious about spending the rest of my life with these in-laws! But after all this drama, I'm also getting really tired and just want the whole thing to be over with...

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Originally Posted by sfgirl

Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately this is the kink in the solution that we anticipate them coming up with, namely they want "their" ceremony to be the legitimate one, if we end up having two. My fiance was raised in that faith and was always envisioning himself married in that way as well, until this began and his parents became so unreasonable about having it exactly the way they want it. Now we are both leaning towards a "fusion" ceremony but they won't accept it, and if they do, they want their officiant and date on the marriage license.

You're right, NeedKarma, this goes beyond wedding planning. I am really anxious about spending the rest of my life with these in-laws! But after all this drama, I'm also getting really tired and just want the whole thing to be over with....

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Well I suggest you keep the in laws sweet and have you legimate wedding your in laws way - and perhaps do somehting along the lines of what I have suggested in my other post. The only thing you will have to watch out for is a budget. These things can be quite costly. One wedding is bad enough, but two. Needless to say however it is possible and can be done on a budget and still be wonderful.

If you need any help or assistance, I am online most days and will be happy to help. :)

Hi, SFgirl,
You have some other good answers, trying to please all concerned.
But, this is only the start with your in-laws!
Since you are of different faiths, I hope you and your husband have already fully discussed what you two will do and believe.
Another answer said something about living far away from your in-laws; I second that completely!
If they cannot agree on your wedding, just think about how many things will come up in the future. It is a good time, if not already, for you and your future husband to discuss, together alone, what your marriage will be, and will NOT be.
In-laws can be bad enough, but when thrown in with different religious beliefs, can be something else. I do wish you and he the best, and good luck.
I like the suggestion of using the "official" date as the first wedding, then having the second on as "just a ceremony". In that way, there will be no confusion as to the date on the Marriage Certificate. Be sure that whoever performs the second ceremony is well aware of Everything, so he/she will not sign another certificate or whatever.

You didn't mention who is paying for this wedding (s).

If you are, then why not just do what you and your fiancé want and tell your inlaws to go jump into the lake.

God knows my family has emplored that strategy for years.

Well, both sides are. We were engaged last September, and because we are getting married in his hometown, his parents have been doing a lot of the legwork in terms of choosing the reception site, etc. etc.

Our discussion about budget began with a 50/50 perspective, but they wanted to pay for all of their guests' accommodations, and throw a much more elaborate rehearsal dinner than we had money for (with live performers, tents, catering, etc), pay for all of the meals for our out-of-town guests, etc.

Basically, it was a matter of feature creep, and now if we calculate TOTAL costs, its going to be about 65/35. The money from my parents is enough to cover about 90% of the actual wedding ceremony and reception, but not for everything else they've arranged for, such as upgraded vendors, accommodations, extra meals, limosines to transport all of the guests, etc. and every time we mentioned budget and wanted to say no to all of these additional features, they would say that it was their money and we don't have any control over how they want to spend it.

At this point, we're going to spend A LOT of money in order to have the two ceremonies. My fiancé and I will probably throw in 10k each just to make ends meet, since they chose and put down a deposit on a ceremony/reception site that is much more expensive than what we would've chosen on our own. But... what can you do, right? I guess we'll save up for the down payment on a house later...

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Originally Posted by sfgirl

everytime we mentioned budget and wanted to say no to all of these additional features, they would say that it was their money and we don't have any control over how they want to spend it.

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Wow, that's a scary quote; it is your wedding after all not theirs. That may be a good reason why people elope and have weddings on resort beaches. I feel for you, I really do. Just remind yourselves never to be that way with your own children.

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Originally Posted by sfgirl

at this point, we're going to spend A LOT of money in order to have the two ceremonies. my fiance and i will probably throw in 10k each just to make ends meet, since they chose and put down a deposit on a ceremony/reception site that is much more expensive than what we would've chosen on our own. but....what can you do, right? i guess we'll save up for the down payment on a house later...

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That is insane. 20K from you 2 plus your folks, and his?

And you don't have the money for a house? Save your 20K on the wedding and put it towards a house. You will see much better results from that.

Let me put my 2 cents in here. The first thing you need to do is talk to the county clerk's office for the town you will be married in. No matter how many ceremonies you have, there should only be ONE marriage license. And that license can only have one date.

The next discussion is with the clergy who will be performing the Sunday cermony. Most likely they will agree to a simple religious cermemony without filling in a marriage license. Which leaves the Saturday cermony as the "offical" date. To have Sunday as the "official" date would require the cooperation of the clergy performing that cermony. From what you have said I doubt if your in-laws will go for that.

That covers the legalities, (I believe). All that's necessary for a marriage is the signature of an official designated by your local govt. No ceremony is necessary. One can have as many ceremonies as they wish to. There have been many instances of couples having multiple ceremonies because of relgiious differences, for family not able to travel, the need for different guest lists etc. So there is not reason not to have two ceremonies. Just think, that gives you 2 anniversaries to celebrate ;)

I will add that it's a shame that your in-laws don't realize its YOUR wedding. Footing the bill gives them some control, but not total control. If it were me, I'd tell them they can have full control over the reception (party) but the actual ceremony is up to the bridge and groom.

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Originally Posted by sfgirl

This seems like a silly question but I've been struggling with my (insane!) future in-laws for a while now. I'm getting married in July to a man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, but his parents have gone completely bonkers over the wedding. They are of a different faith than I, and insist upon doing the whole wedding "their way", without any compromises whatsoever to my religious views because that would ruin the sanctity of their traditions. Whenever I suggest any modifications, they tell me that they are hurt that I don't appreciate their religion and culture and traditions.

How to deal with crazy in-laws is fodder for an entire forum, I know, but I think we've reached an agreement where they have their ideal wedding on Saturday, and my fiance and I have our ideal wedding on Sunday. The problem now is: what date goes onto the marriage certificate? I'm willing to go through a wedding ceremony that I don't believe in to appease my future in-laws, but I don't want that to be my actual wedding date!

Please help!

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In the US you can only have one wedding date. It is very common practice for example in England to have a legal wedding and then go to your local church for a blessing. ( Only certain denominatinos are allowed to do weddings in England, so the others do blessings after the legal wedding)

So which ever wedding happens first, is the real wedding, the other would merely be a blessing.

NOW, you need to explain fast, or these people will ruin your marriage fast. They are already running your life and your husband to be is not standing up for you. Take a hint, this is your wedding not theirs, you tell them when and where it is, ( invite them) they can come or they can not come, it will be there choice.


Also what faith is this, If Jewish, it can be a joint wedding with a protestant or catholic preist ( I have done joint weddings before, the rabbi has always welcomed us with open arms.

So be more specific what faith it is and I may have some ideas, also your new inlaws may not even know enough about their faith to know what is really allowed.

Honestly this also shows they don't have any respect for your faith either and never will. I would eloupe and come back married and let them coupe. We have wonderful honeymoom packages for weddings here in TN, no blood tests and wedding and marriage licence the same day

In defense of my fiancé, I have to say that he has been standing up for me. In retrospect, all of these things happened so subtly that it took even me a while to realize that they had decided what the wedding would be like without any of my input! And when I finally got angry, my fiancé was next to me, standing up for me as well. Right now he's working on getting them to acknowledge what they did wrong and to apologize to me for it, because we know that even if we can work out the details of the wedding (in the larger picture, I don't really care about it that much), our long-term relationship is at stake. I don't want my children exposed to people who do not respect me, and my fiancé feels the same way.

How that will actually be done, however, is much harder to say...

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Originally Posted by sfgirl

And when I finally got angry, my fiance was next to me, standing up for me as well. Right now he's working on getting them to acknowledge what they did wrong and to apologize to me for it

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Sounds like a step in the right direction. At least they will know that you are no a pushover. It's all part of 'breaking in' the in-laws.

Good luck!

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Originally Posted by sfgirl

This seems like a silly question but I've been struggling with my (insane!) future in-laws for a while now. I'm getting married in July to a man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with, but his parents have gone completely bonkers over the wedding. They are of a different faith than I, and insist upon doing the whole wedding "their way", without any compromises whatsoever to my religious views because that would ruin the sanctity of their traditions. Whenever I suggest any modifications, they tell me that they are hurt that I don't appreciate their religion and culture and traditions.

How to deal with crazy in-laws is fodder for an entire forum, I know, but I think we've reached an agreement where they have their ideal wedding on Saturday, and my fiance and I have our ideal wedding on Sunday. The problem now is: what date goes onto the marriage certificate? I'm willing to go through a wedding ceremony that I don't believe in to appease my future in-laws, but I don't want that to be my actual wedding date!

Please help!

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The first legal wedding would be your wedding date. Legally speaking, your second 'wedding' would not be a wedding per se, but a reaffirmation of your wedding vows.

It might be well for you and your future husband to decide where and when and how you will marry and not give in to the sort of blackmail you seem to be enduring.



M:)RGANITE

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

It is very commom practice for example in England to have a legal wedding and then go to your local church for a blessing. ( Only certain denominatinos are allowed to do weddings in England, so the others do blessings after the legal wedding)

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It used to be the case that Anglicans, Catholics, Jews and Quakers alone were licenced to perform weddings in the British Isles.

Even then, a couple could have a legal marriage conducted by the clergy of any denomination, provided that there was a regsistrar present.

For many years the situation is that persons from many denominations and groups become 'Authorised Persons' who have authority to act as registrar at weddings in any place that is licenced for marriages.

Today, almost any place can be licenced to have marriages conducted there.


M:)RGANITE

Why don't you and your fiancé have the very simple wedding you want on the Sunday *before* the big blow-out? And that Sunday date will be the official date. Then the following Friday and Saturday, you can sit back and just enjoy the extravaganza. In-laws can complain, but you are already married- on a date you chose.

And you surely don't need $20,000 for a simple wedding? If it is just the two of you, your parents, one attendant eact, at the courthouse or chapel, with a very light reception following? $2,000 tops.

If the wedding is this complicated I would hate to be around for the baptism of the first grandchild,How could you give up your future home for a wedding,what faiths are involved in this anyway?

In the bigger picture you family home is going to important in the long term. Weddings can be perfect no matter how much spend. The important thing is you and your husband to be. It's you wedding day, not his parents and by far you should have everything the way you have dreamed it to be. I plan & co-ordinate near on 120 weddings a year. The two people I listen to is the bride & groom. I will do whatever it is they ask and get everything done they way they want it. What would be the point of their wedding day after all if it was all done to my specification & not theirs? That's what you fiancee's parents have forgotten. I bet if they rewind back to their wedding day and remember the fuss & hassle they most probably had from their parents, then they would understand.

Do they still make delicious pies and pork sausages in Wilts?