I have been seening a married man for almost 7 years. Well he's wife left him to live with her lover 10 years ago. We have lived together for the last year and a half. I Love him very much, but I am sick of being a married man's girlfriend. I do not want to marry him, but after all this time I need him to get a divorce, as I constqntly feel as if I am second best. He say's I am NO 1 and that it's only a pies of paper, and that they have just never got around to it. So I ask myself what's the problem. Can anyone help! My heart is breaking. We are not kid's, he is 61 yrs old I am a bit younger, Im not sayng by how much! We have now broken up. I know he loves me . Why is he letting our love die, that's what I feel is happening.

I agree with you, he should make things official. He might not want to spend the money on a divorce, but it is important for a number of reasons. He may only feel it is a piece of paper, but it is more than that. If it were me, I would tell him that the time has come to make things official, and he should be willing to do so. Tell him if he wants to be with you, you insist that he finish the divorce. Explain that although he may not feel it is important, it hurts you very much that he refuses. Hopefully, if he understands how badly he is hurting you, he will do so. If not, you will have to decide if this is something you can live with or not. I really hope things work out!

My grandparents refused to divorce... they were separated for years, and even became quite ugly to each other (at least she was to him)... but he never divorced her for some reason. He had only a few relationships after, none as serious as yours...

But for some reason divorce just wasn't going to happen, no matter how absolutely far apart they were.

Wish I had answers for you...

They have not lived together for over 10 years, what am I to do now?

Looks like you have two choices accept him on the terms you have been with him on
Or leave him and don't look back unless or until he decides to get the divorce.

I don't think you should take it as meaning second best.
Some people, especially his age, have a hang up about divorce they still view it as a taboo
Even after all these years. He hasn't been with her all those years so I highly doubt his reasons for not wanting a divorce has anything to do with her or any love.

First, welcome to AMHD.

Quote:

---

PASSATT disagrees: of no help at all tottally missing the point.

---

You would do well to follow the rules. Disagrees are meant for "factual" errors, not differences in opinion, though it does happen. Getting off to a lousy start for someone who wants the help of others. Toss enough disagrees around when people are looking to help you work through something and you might just be left alone.

I do get your point. My point was that my grandparants, who didn't even live together, didn't even like each other, would not divorce. This was 15 years ago. They had every reason to ditch the titles... even when my grandfather was in another relationship... there was some odd mental hangup about it... hmmm... maybe applicable?

I rarely get such an ill response for showing interest and concern.

Welcome to the site. Please abide my the rules. And perhaps be patient if you are able.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by N0help4u

Some people, especially his age, have a hang up about divorce they still view it as a taboo even after all these years.

---

I thought so too.

Passat a piece of paper did not keep them together, a piece of paper should not tear you to apart. esp. if you do not want to marry him.

Well the question is what has changed? It was OK before, right? Or was it not OK, but you were willing to live with it? Either is "acceptable".

If he gets the divorce and comes back to you, what are you then? Are you not still his girlfriend? Just not the girlfriend of a married man who isn't really married?

Not to tick you off with yet another irrelevant fam story, but my great-grandparents (other side) separated, never divorced, and they both lived in long term relationships with other mates for decades. There was some mental stigma about divorce.

Not saying he is doing what's right or wrong... personally, the marriage was left long ago, and I couldn't imagine keeping that paper intact if my mate did that.

So at this point you both are playing emotional chicken. You both are holding a piece of paper, that can be incredibly meaningful, but in this case irrelevant (or not?), between each other. And so who veers off first to save a relationship that seems to have been great?

The only other concern I have is issues of legal concern... living will type stuff.

There just seems like something is missing from this story. What happened that ended the relationship? Was it the fact that he won't get a divorce or something else?
Have you know the entire time that he was legally married? Did it recently become an issue for you?
When you talk to him - what reasons does he give you?

Personally, I would want my partner to be divorced so I could feel that he was 100% committed. I don't know that I would have moved in with him until that happened.

If a piece of paper couln't hold them together, why do you let it tear you apart? After 10 years why should he do anything, and why do you expect him to? Life is a little to short to be worried about labels, and titles.

You have to do what feels right for you, take care of yourself, if it feels wrong fix it... you should feel good about yourself and the relationship!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by PASSATT

I have been seening a married man for almost 7 years. Well he's wife left him to live with her lover 10 years ago. We have lived together for the last year and a half. I Love him very much, but I am sick of being a married man's girlfriend. I do not want to marry him, but after all this time I need him to get a divorce, as I constqntly feel as if I am second best. He say's I am NO 1 and that it's only a pies of paper, and that they have just never got around to it. So I ask myself what's the problem. Can anyone help! My heart is breaking. We are not kid's, he is 61 yrs old I am a bit younger, Im not sayng by how much! We have now broken up. I know he loves me . Why is he letting our love die, that's what I feel is happening.

---

What's the financial implications of a divorce for these two? How long were they married and together before they parted, and did they have kids?

My friend was involved with a married man that was her superior also named Greyson Hannigan.I never understood why should would involve herself with a married man. I never could stand the site of him because he spent more time in her bed (or other women's bed for that matter) than he did in his own bed with his wife. I'm not sure if she loved him she said she didn't but I do not believe because she is always trying to be with him and gets giddy when they are together. Its sickening. I want to tell her to wake up because she deserves better but she doesn't see it. Any advice as to how to get her out this rut?

You said you love him but donot want to marry him but been with him for a number of years. If it did not bother you in the past why now? Is it to prove a point to yourself or someone self?
Personally I would NEVER get involve with a marry man regardless of the situation. As soon as a man tell me he marry I remove myself from the situation before my feelings get involve.
My friend been dating a man for 10 yr now and they lived together for 5.Like you she always ask for him to get a divorce, but he still have not even though she threated to leave.Her family hate him, so do I, and can't stand she has a marry boyfriend because it wrong.I hate to hear and see her pain because I know it bothers her.When I tell her to leave him, her response is that she do don't want to start over with someone else so she learned to deal with it.
The point of that story is if he did not get a divorce yet, most likely it won't happen no matter what you say even if you threated to leave.If he wants a divorce he will get it hisself.Also, I'm pretty sure he told his wife she was #1 when they were together! Your #1 for now because your in your in his life. Point is, in the future only date unmarry guys so you will not have 2 go through this and I leave him now.Remember there 2 sides 2 every store, in this case 3, but there never ant good reason 2 date a marry guy because right now your not even a girlfriend just a mistress and that's not a good label. But this is just my opion and seems that you can't handle the truth so you need a dose of reality

p.s. life is full of choices but sometimes we don't make the right choice but it okay because it part of life. The good part about life is that we live and learn and try not to repeat the same mistake twice, good luck.