I have this friend/aquaintance that I met years ago through another friend. We kept in touch, and every so often we would go out to things like garage sales, or maybe the occasional drink at one of the pubs around town. After awhile she started calling me everyday... half a dozen times a day. It started to get a little annoying, but she seemed nice and well intentioned, so I didn't mind a whole lot.

Then, she and her common law guy broke up, and I felt very bad for her, so I stayed in contact with her and tried to help her through it as best I could. All of a sudden, it came to where she relied on me for everything. She would drop by without calling, and incidentally just happened to have an overnight bag with her. She would make herself at home... go on my computer, tell me how my furniture should be arranged, move things around in my cupboards... things that that. It really started to irritate me to the point where I got really angry one day and told her that she had to quit stopping by and expecting to stay for days on end, and get her own life!

We now haven't talked "in person" for about 2 yrs. However, just within the last few months she has been sending me a lot of emails (jokes,friendship poems etc.) We have talked once on the phone, and she asked me how things were going, but didn't seem like she was really even listening. I have had A lot of things to deal with lately, a bad break up as well, and so many other things that stemmed from that bad relationship.

Now finally to my question! (sorry, took awhile to get there) She has sent me an email today saying very bluntly... "Get out your business suit, be ready at 7pm Friday to go to a seminar I've signed us up for. I won't take no for an answer!"

Now this really offended me. She has signed me up for something I don't even have any info on. I'm NOT going to go, and I'm NOT going to let her take advantage of me like that... but I don't know how to handle this? Right now I want to call her and say "how dare you", and then probably say a few other nasty words too. But on the other hand, I just want to ignore it altogether. I know if I call her and engage her in conversation, I will either be too nasty or too nice. Believe me, she is a real pain in the A$$ sometimes and she can be relentless no matter which way I react.

Any thoughts? :confused:

Just respond to the e-mail by saying sorry, but you've already made other plans for this weekend.

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

Just respond to the e-mail by saying sorry, but you've already made other plans for this weekend.

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I know that sounds like the best way to deal with it... but I guess what I didn't really mention is that she is the type of person that once you make any contact with her, she won't let go! She will call over and over, she will show up at my door, she will send a gift etc,etc!

I know she's not a crazy person, but she just gets to be too much to handle and if you give her any feedback or access she just never goes away! I know if I answer her she will see her little window to have contact again. She's a nice person in general, and probably means well, so I hate to hurt her feelings... but I just have no time to deal with her right now.

I guess I'm too soft and don't stand up for myself when I really should until I reach my breaking point and then I blow! I guess I just want to distinguish it before it gets to that point again.

Waaayyy too much going on right now, so maybe I'm overthinking myself... I tend to do that, lol. I was brought up to keep my emotions in tact... but that's a whole other forum, haha!

I went through a similar situation a few years back. Eventually, I had to just cut off contact for a while, and then after a few months she would call, and the cycle would begin again. I finally told her that I couldn't be friends with her. I told her she was a great person, but our personalities just didn't "click" and she didn't respect anything I told her. It got to the point where I felt like I had a stalker!

If it were me, I would probably send an email back and tell her that sorry, you aren't going, and ask her to please not sign you up for anything without asking. Just phrase it in a nice way, and if she calls, answer, but tell her you are really busy right now and will have to get back to her. Do you think that would work? It sounds like maybe she doesn't have a lot of friends. That could be a confidence thing. Is there anyone you can introduce her to, or tell her about a club she might want to join or something so she doesn't try to spend so much time with you?

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Originally Posted by peggyhill

I went through a similar situation a few years back. Eventually, I had to just cut off contact for a while, and then after a few months she would call, and the cycle would begin again. I finally told her that I couldn't be friends with her. I told her she was a great person, but our personalities just didn't "click" and she didn't respect anything I told her. It got to the point where I felt like I had a stalker!

If it were me, I would probably send an email back and tell her that sorry, you aren't going, and ask her to please not sign you up for anything without asking. Just phrase it in a nice way, and if she calls, answer, but tell her you are really busy right now and will have to get back to her. Do you think that would work? It sounds like maybe she doesn't have a lot of friends. That could be a confidence thing. Is there anyone you can introduce her to, or tell her about a club she might want to join or something so she doesn't try to spend so much time with you?

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Thanks for the advice! I need to get a backbone too! I think I will send her an email and say what you recommended and maybe at the same time tell her I am so very caught up with my own things right now that I don't have the time or energy to to take part in her crazy money making schemes (I won't quite put it like that) or even have the time for visits or chats! She does almost get to the point of "stalker", so I really want to avoid any of that happening again! I just tend to feel bad because I know she doesn't mean any harm, but she doesn't know boundaries either.

As far as recommending a club or group?. she would want me to join with her! :eek: lol

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Originally Posted by starbuck8

As far as recomending a club or group??...she would want me to join with her!! :eek: lol

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That's true, she might! Hmmm. Ok, maybe only do that if you know an activity she loves that you hate. Like if she loves to read books and you don't, recommend a book club or something. I know it's tough when you're dealing with people like that. I think some people just don't have any idea of boundaries.

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Originally Posted by peggyhill

That's true, she might! Hmmm. Ok, maybe only do that if you know an activity she loves that you hate. Like if she loves to read books and you don't, recommend a book club or something. I know it's tough when you're dealing with people like that. I think some people just don't have any idea of boundaries.

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Maybe I could find a book on "boundaries with friends". A really BIG book! One that would take a really long time to read! Lol Trust me, she doesn't get it! I even wrote out a very tactful, but to the point "sign" one time and posted it to my wall. It said, in effect, "I love my friends and guests, but I like it even better when they know when to leave" (there were a few more, but you get the point) She pointed it out to me and said... oh that's cute... you should make copies and give them out to your friends! DUH!!

I have just sent her a "semi-nice" email to let her know that I will not be attending her function. I guess we'll see what happens now, lol ;)

It is good you did email her back she would show up on your doorstep and not take N0 for an answer so I think you were better off emailing her. I think you better leave the house asap Friday, hopefully before she is at your door.
Tell her that you have other plans and you might have appreciated her "offer" more if she had sent you the info.

I would email her back and tell her no thanks and just make sure that you left the house hours before you knew that she would be there and maybe not return until the next day.

You have to set the boundaries now. The suggestions above are great, but most of them only deal with this Friday and how to get out of that. You have to let her know point blank that you do not like her behavior and that if she isn't willing to put a stop to it that you cannot continue a friendship with her. Be honest with her, maybe things will change and you will be able to have a friendship with her that both of you can enjoy, right now it seems very one sided.

Yeah I would let her know that
You like your house arranged the way you like it and not somebody else's touch.
You like being home alone at nights and not having someone else in your house.
You like planning and knowing what you are doing in advance, no surprises to throw your day off.

It's not always easy but the direct approach is always best. Besides, I wouldn't consider her a friend if you can't express your feelings to her.

I think all of you are definitely right! I have to find a way to let her know, in "no uncertain terms" that I can't deal with the way she intrudes. Thanks you guys for your advice! I got a little bit of my backbone back... just needed the 'extra support' to get me there! :)
I'll see what tomorrow brings, and try and deal with that when or if the time comes. I sure hope the email I sent her isn't too vague for her to figure out that I don't want to have that type of relationship with her anymore. A casual one might be fine, further on down the line... occasional phone call or email, but not an "in your face" kind of thing.

Wish me luck that she doesn't start knocking at my door with cookies or something ;)

Accidentally hit the enter button
You DO like surprises BUT she doesn't have to know that! ;)

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

accidentally hit the enter button
You DO like surprises BUT she doesn't have to know that! ;)

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Oh yes I like surprises, :) I have a BIG b'day coming up soon, and my worst nightmare would be her jumping out of a cake as a cruel joke! :rolleyes: haha!