Ask Me Help Desk - How should I take this?

First off, hello to everyone taking the time to read this.

I have just gotten out of a really bad 7-year long abusive relationship. I am a single mother raising three beautiful babies (ages 10, 6, and 3) so needless to say, I already have my hands full.

Well fast forward a few months later-after I had left this bad relationship, I met a really nice gentleman... or so I thought. He goes to church, he has three kids, only one of which lives with him, he pays child support on the other one and doesn't talk a whole lot about the middle one. I don't think he has anything to do with that one. The one he pays child support on, well he doesn't exercise his rights to see him. Anyway, I'm not trying to talk bad about this man, these are just personal problems that persist in the back of my head. We all have skeletons in our closets right? Ok Moving on...

At first, in the beginning of the relationship, we took things very slow, and I was just astonished by how "good" he was to me (not pressuring me for sex, he took me out to eat for Valentine's Day, met my dad before we went out on our first date-even though I'm 27 years old... ) He was just an overall "what a good man should be according to society"kind of a guy.

Well, as we all know it is tax season. It seems like ever since I have received my income tax money, he has been asking me to borrow money, picking up items here and there for him whnever I go to the grocery store. But then, recently, he asked me if he could borrow $150.00. The $50.00 would be for his personal use and the $100.00 would go towards his previously unpaid electric bill. I was very shocked when he asked me this and at first, I said "OK" after a long pause. I finally told him yesterday (he asked me about 4 days ago) that I did not feel comfortable about this because we have only been dating for maybe 3 months and I am a single mother of 3 children (no current child support in order-working on that though) and I need that money. I don't just go out and blow money. I save and save and I work hard. By the way, that last sentence is not something I personally said to him. But that is how I feel.

I mean, if it was like $50.00 or $20.00 until he gets paid, sure, no problem, we all could use a helping hand every now and then. But $150.00 is a little much to be asking his new girlfriend of barely 3 months who has to work hard for her money AND I make less than he does.

I see this as a red flag. However, If I'm wrong, I'd like to get opinions and will not agree or disagree with anyone. I just want to know if I am right to feel this way, or if I am being a straight up BIA.

Thanks for reading!

TJ

This is a red flag!! There are other red flags but you are willing to say, "Well we all have personal problems..." The fact that he has to ask YOU for money to pay an electric bill probably means that he's already burned out, or shall we say borrowed out, family, and long time friends. What kind of a man would do that?? What kind of a woman would do that? Have you answered the question... well that's the kind of man he is. I've heard it said that women put themselves "on sale". Inotherwords he's almost good enough and that's good enough for me. If you couldn't pay your bills would you ask him for the money?

Take it from someone who knows, who has been there and now has a restraining order and a court date to collect the balance of the money I "loaned" a man. I got in so deep I sort of had to marry him to insure I could recoup my losses, as I live in a community property state. Now I'm divorced and still going to court to enforce a promissory note etc. And besides that how do you know he pays his child support?

Hope this helps. Remember relationships are all about lifting both parties up, not one leaning financially on another.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rachel101

This is a red flag!!! There are other red flags but you are willing to say, "Well we all have personal problems..." The fact that he has to ask YOU for money to pay an electric bill probably means that he's already burned out, or shall we say borrowed out, family, and long time friends. What kind of a man would do that??? What kind of a woman would do that? Have you answered the question....well that's the kind of man he is. I've heard it said that women put themselves "on sale". Inotherwords he's almost good enough and that's good enough for me. If you couldn't pay your bills would you ask him for the money?

Take it from someone who knows, who has been there and now has a restraining order and a court date to collect the balance of the money I "loaned" a man. I got in so deep I sort of had to marry him to insure I could recoup my losses, as I live in a community property state. Now I'm divorced and still going to court to enforce a promissory note etc. And besides that how do you know he pays his child support?

Hope this helps. Remember relationships are all about lifting both parties up, not one leaning financially on another.

Thank you, I appreciate your input. This is exactly how I feel. It totally turned me off when he asked me this. Not to metnion disappoint me because I really liked this guy. I really DON'T know if he actually pays his child support. I think he mentioned that it is automatically taken out of his check, but then later on when he mentioned his check, he didn't mention that being taken out at all. I personally don't even think he should be sharing his financial information with me in the first place. As long as he pays his own bills, which obviously, he doesn't.

Thanks again.

And don't be depressed over this. This is a reflection on who he is... not who you are. I know you thought you might have a good one and now you come crashing down but just turn the coin over and be grateful you didn't fall for it. There could have been an entire 1/2 hour TV program on how you were victimized by this man but that won't happen because you were too smart to fall for the bait. So rather than feeling depressed that the dream you started to dream didn't happen... be elated that you are a smart woman, too smart for this man's manipulation. You are better off than before you met him because you are wiser. If we can gain a little wisdom with the knocks then they aren't so bad so lift your head up and face your day knowing you are too grounded to be taken in, you are too responsible to your children and commitments to gamble and you can and will wait for a partner worth being your partner.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rachel101

And don't be depressed over this. This is a reflection on who he is...not who you are. I know you thought you might have a good one and now you come crashing down but just turn the coin over and be grateful you didn't fall for it. There could have been an entire 1/2 hour tv program on how you were victimized by this man but that won't happen because you were too smart to fall for the bait. So rather than feeling depressed that the dream you started to dream didn't happen.....be elated that you are a smart woman, too smart for this man's manipulation. You are better off than before you met him because you are wiser. If we can gain a little wisdom with the knocks then they aren't so bad so lift your head up and face your day knowing you are too grounded to be taken in, you are too responsible to your children and commitments to gamble and you can and will wait for a partner worth being your partner.

Thank you, these are great words to live by. I'm actually very happy that I have made this decision, I have a lot of goals on my plate and am very happy with what I have to look forward to. I'm finally doing what I should have been doing all along! Now I just need to change my screen name. It's an old one!:cool:

If you loan him the money make sure you have it in writing that it's not a gift. That it is a loan and give an exact date as to when it will be paid off. Never say "Whenever you can get it to me."

But seriously though, if he has to ask a woman he's only dated for 3 months for cash... then how will he be later in the relationship?

Quote:

Originally Posted by mafiaangel180

If you loan him the money make sure you have it in writing that it's not a gift. That it is a loan and give an exact date as to when it will be paid off. Never say "Whenever you can get it to me."

But seriously though, if he has to ask a woman he's only dated for 3 months for cash....then how will he be later in the relationship?

I totally agree! I backed out of loaning him the money. I am a very sensitive soul, and he has admitted that he has noticed this (this all came about weeks before the asking for money incident). I just feel deep down that he tried to take advantage of me. I'm going with my gut feeling. After I backed out of loaning him the money, he started getting an attitude with me.

See, he wanted me to pay $100 on his electric bill, even though he was going to get paid one day after the due date on it. Then he said he would pay me back the day he got paid.
I told him that all he had to do was call the electric company and let them know that he will be able to pay them ONE day after the due date. I don't think he liked hearing that from me.

So anyway, he sends me a text message stating that he will give me the $50.00 that I loaned to him personally back next week. WHAT? I thought he was going to pay me back at the end of this week! I AM SO GLAD I BACKED OUT.

Hey girl,

I'm so glad you are on a better path. Been a long, long road for you.

At the very, very least... this guy cannot manage money. Doesn't mean he's thrown to the curb... but it surely is a red flag. People can learn how to manage money... some are just better than others... but you know after all you've been through you need a guy who doesn't need a mommy.

So... short answer (to agree with those whove already posted) is yeah, it's a red flag.

I think the more serious couples get, the more they need to talk clearly, openly, and honestly about just a few things: money, sex, personal goals, children, religion, love and relationships... I'm sure I'm missing something...

But financially you guys need to be at least close in expectations and compatibility. Paying a utility bill is a basic "adult" thing he should be doing... now... its true that feb utility bills can be monster... but the guy needs to plan and save better.

Doesn't mean he couldn't be good to you... it means finances are an area that you'd better be willing to run if you keep seeing each other. At least until you were able to set up a system that controlled money...

My wife and I will be married 8 years next week. Back then we had some savings, planned OK for some bills, but had some foreseeable "surprises" (like bigger utilites) jump out at us. Today, we have a spreadsheet that maps out all expected expenses for an entire year, and budgets money into accounts to pay for those things automatically. There's always cash to cover ugly utilities or acrued money to cover basic car maintenance. It took time and talking to get there... and we made some mistakes... so its possible to get better with money.

I just don't know, as I said, that you care to be one more boys "mommy"

So glad you are on the right track.

Uh...

Just read your latest update.

Never mind.

Kick him to the curb after all.

Yuk.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kp2171

uh...

just read your latest update.

nevermind.

kick him to the curb after all.

yuk.

LOL. We must have been posting at the same time. You see, I'm really not a mean person, or really a tightwad, but I am one to FINALLY learn from my mistakes (third time's a charm-well for some of us anyway ;) ) and I just had this overwhelmingly bad feeling when he mentioned all this to me that-that is where I was headed again. He is a nice person, he seemed to be a very good person-but the way he acted when I told him that he made me feel uncomfortable turned all those good thoughts around.

Like I said, if it was just $20,$30 dollars, sure, I understand. But the amount and the reasoning behind it just made no sense to me at all. And a man/woman who has no sense, in my opinion, does need their mommy around still. Not to sound rude, I'm just in a situation where if I'm going to be with someone, they need to be a little more independent. For themselves, not for me.

There is more to how "badly" he reacted, but I think you all got the jist of it. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being a witch and suffering from PMS.

Thanks again,

TJ