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I am so confused at this point in my life. I am almost 30 and on my second marriage. My husband is 23. We got married almost 3 years ago. He is so immature and our marriage has been rocky the ENTIRE time. Well his best friend is constantly at our house. Over time, I finally got to know him and we are close. Like family. But as time went on, he was more of a husband and stepfather (I have 2 kids from a previous marriage) than my husband was. I knew I was falling for him. He went to jail for 30 days for probation violation and I was lost. I went to see him every weekend. He told me later, he knew then that I was in love with him. We tried to be intimate but he couldn't because of my husband but we keep flirting and I know that I do love him and would do for him before my husband. I have loved him for almost 2 years, but there is no way that I want to leave my husband. We are starting to actually get along and things are smooth right now. I love him very much but I love his best friend too. I am so confused about what to do or how to feel. Someone I need advice

Sounds to me like what you call love is actually lust. Love is when your own heart breaks at the very thought of doing something to break your man's heart... but you couldn't be intimate because HE was concerned about YOUR husband. Lust is when you just want to get next to him. It also sounds like you are also very immature. You said you married 3 yrs. Ago so he was 20 and you were 27? I can't even guess what you had in common other than sex. You picked a kid, you have kids and now you lust another kid who by the way goes in and out of jail because he can't fulfill terms of his probation. Sounds like you are very confused. I feel sorry for your children... I can't even guess how confused they must be.
If you are going to ruin your marriage you ought to find someone your own age who holds a job and doesn't go in and out of jail. Maybe then your kids will have a shot at a male roll model worth modeling themselves after but this is just advice from a 50-something.

Well you need not feel sorry for my children. They are perfectly taken care and kept out of all of my personal business as would any mother do. OUr home life is great. Ups and downs just like any other household. Why do you try to make me sound like some 15 year slut with two kids. YOu sounds like you need to get laid more you uptight .

I didn't ask for criticsm. I asked for possible solutions to help me try to figure out what I want in my life. Both of my men have jobs. The probation was from when he was 17. He is not in and out of jail. He is more steady a figure than most men are.

If I only lust after him, why does it break my heart when something bad happens to him. Why has it gone on for 2 years. Lust comes and goes, usually within days or weeks. Not years. As for what my husband and I have in common, we have quite a bit. Music, ideas of life, child care, work ethics. Yeah sex played a big part of it but I didn't marry him for that.

Lust actually lasts about 2 years but that's just according to some psychologists. I spoke to you like a 15 year old in Constant Confusion because that how you portray yourself, in my opinion. You are the mother of two children from one man, married to another and trying to get laid by another and you think your kids are not affected by what you call your "personal business"? You don't know what you want in your life? How about wanting what's best for your kids? Do I sound hostile? I don't know... I take child rearing real seriously. I'm one of the one's who got messed up in childhood when mom was distracted and it took my teens, 20's and most of my 30's to shake loose of the damage and get a grip on my life again. If you don't think your choices affect your children you are living in denial.
You asked for advice, and you got mine. Sorry it wasn't all soft padded with nice thoughts or it wasn't packaged to your liking.

Maybe some counseling would help you right now. If you are trying to decide if you want to stay with your husband or not, counseling would be a good place to start because it's 100% confidential and it can really help to have someone to vent your stress to. It kind of sounds like you want to save the marriage, but you don't know what to do with your feelings for the friend. Is that correct? That must be a very confusing situation.

One thing I noticed was that you said "he was more of a husband and stepfather than my husband was". I think that could have a lot to do with how you feel. You were feeling distant from your husband and this guy was better with your kids, so maybe that is why you felt so attracted to him. It sounds like he doesn't want to hurt his friend (your husband) and I can understand that. If you were to leave your husband, it would still hurt him if his best friend stole you away, so it sounds like this guy doesn't want to do that.

I think counseling for you might help you figure out what you want. If you decide you want to stay in the marriage, some counseling for both of you might help. It can really help relationships, especially if there are issues like the age difference and him being immature. If you decide you want to leave, give yourself some time to just focus on you and not be in a relationship for a little while, until you are past the rebound stage.

Personally, I believe that you should always try to work it out if you are married, but I'm not judging you or anything. I don't know you or your situation. I hope that whatever you decide that you and your kids are happy, and if you ever need to talk, I'm on here all the time.

So where were your kids while you were visiting a jail every weekend. Did they go to the jail with you or did they stay home with their stepdad or what?
And I have to agree with you that getting laid more is never a bad idea but I don't believe "getting laid" or "not getting laid" changes my opinions. I also don't believe getting laid is the cure to being confused but then again, it's just my opinion.

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Originally Posted by rachel101

So where were your kids while you were visiting a jail every weekend. Did they go to the jail with you or did they stay home with their stepdad or what?

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I would be more interested in if her husband knew she was visiting the jail?

Does your husband spend a lot of time with you?
Is he there for you emotionally?
I think that the problem is your husband is not there when you need him all the time and his friend is. Therefore you are seeing him as an extension where your husband leaves off.
You are seeing the qualities you husband lacks. You are starting to expect him to pick up your husbands slack.
First you need to either get your husband to do the chores and so forth or you do them.
DON'T mention to his friend what needs to be done and don't even ask. Do it yourself.
When you are feeling an emotional attachment wanting to see the friend change it over to something to do with your husband. If he is unavailable then try doing something FOR him
Even if it is doing his laundry. Just find something to get your mind off the other guy and on your husband.
Whatever you do do not try 'going to bed with him' or any other intimacy EVER again.

I am confused. I am not denying that. And yes my children were with me when I visited this friend in jail and yes my husband did know that we were there. All 4 of us were there when he got out and he came home with us. I used the expeirence to show my oldest son what happens when you don't obey the law!

And thank all of you for trying to give me different options on how to approach this. I know that these are opinions and I appreciate them very much. There is so much going on in my head I am hoping to clear out some of it. I have done it before and I will do it again!

You think taking your children to jail to meet the "other man" in your life is a learning expeience for your oldest?? I would suggest take some lessons on how to bring up kids.

By the time your kids are grown, you will see how little respect they have for you. I have not seen any couple - myself included - who did not have problems in their marriages. But I don't know what ethics you have to jump to another man at the drop of an eyelid.

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Originally Posted by sasha_1

You think taking your children to jail to meet the "other man" in your life is a learning expeience for your oldest???

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Very good point. I have always suspected that many kids taken on jail house visitations end up there themselves so it is a poor excuse.

Not only are you crossing the line with someone very close, your feeding into it, and making it worse. Common sense should tell you that your doing wrong, but your ignoring the obvious, so wallow in your confusion until it destroys your whole family. You are acting like a 15 year old with kids, whose playing house, and doesn't know any better than to mess with her husbands friend. Cause and effect, leads to consequences. Sad since you should be the mature one of this trio. What if his friend warns your husband, that his wife is a cheating slut who was easy to get? It would be true wouldn't it? Maybe you can't help how you feel, but you sure as heck, have control what you do about it.

Did your marriage vows mean anything? I've given this advice before to others and now I'm going to give it to you. If you want to sleep around then don't get married. Marriage is a two way street, it takes two people to make it work and you aren't holding up your end of the deal. If you don't love your husband anymore then cut him loose so that he can find someone who does. You can't have two men, that's that, choose, it's not fair to them.

Grow up and take some responsibility for your life. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, I just don't understand why people get married if they still want to jump from one bed to another without paying any consequences. You are not setting a very good example for your children, and don't believe that they have no idea what's going on, kid's are smarter than we give them credit for.

Good luck to you and your family.