First off, I would like to say ahead of time that I am looking for serious answers to my questions, and not people's opinions on what they feel about the situation. I have read other people's Q's and A's on here and some people tend to give cruel and very opinionated feedback of their points of view, often not even answering the question at all. Also, I'm trying to make this as anonymous as possible, hence why I used the phrase "the child", rather than saying him or her. Moving on...

I (obviously) live in VA. My child's Bio-Father lives out of state. He has not been in the child's life since a baby, except once when I was visiting that state- He gave the child back before his time was up because he couldn't handle taking care of the child. He does not pay child support. He never sees the child, nor tries to. There has been no established relationship with the child. The only contact we have is via email, so that it is all documented. We do have each other's current info. so there's no excuse for him not to be involved. He has just very recently started sending gifts or a gift card on major holidays, but still does not have any other involvement with the child. I filed for child support a year ago, but it hasn't gone through yet. I have asked on more than one occasion for him to relinquish his rights, but he refuses. I am married and have another child with my husband. My husband has been in the oldest child's life since infancy and wants to be able to adopt the child. The child has no idea that my husband is not her bio-father. My ex has since married and his wife is due to give birth to their baby very soon. He wants to create a family with his new wife, but yet out of spite, refuses to let go of our child that he obviously wants nothing to do with anyway. He doesn't want to be a father, just wants the title. I know how my ex and his family are, and they are very angry people that have never put the best interest of the child first. His prior drug use (that I believe is still going on) is a big concern, also. He is very irresponsible, immature and is a pathological liar. I am not stating this to bash my ex, I'm only mentioning this because I honestly feel whole-heartedly it would not be in my child's best interest to have him in our child's life. My child already has a great father.

I would like to know what the likeliness would be that I would get a judge to revoke the non-custodial parents' rights. Has anyone been through a similar situation? If so, what was the outcome? Does anyone have any websites stating the laws/grounds of abandonment in VA? Also, should I start this process by having my husband file for the adoption, or going to court to TPR? I know that's the order they'll have to do it in court anyway, but how do I start proceeding this? Thanks ahead for any serious answers.

Before anyone responded, I wanted to add that I did read many other posts, most in in similar situations to mine, but I feel like my case is a little more complicated, since my ex refuses to give up rights, the fact that he's out of state, that there is no established relationship with the child, (which I feel would truly not be in the child's best interest to have the child in his life at all), etc. I didn't feel the answers provided to their Q's answered my own.

If you have read some of the other threads that deal with almost the same issue, you would have your answer.

There is no such thing as abandonment in this case. The bio father still has rights and unless he agrees to relinquish them, or you can prove he is a danger to the child then he will retain those rights.

ScottGem: You seem to post this same answer to everyone asking similar questions. You did not even answer my questions, and didn't even try to explain your answer. How is there no abandonment in this case? Also, of course I know he has rights until he relinquishes them voluntarily or has them revoked by a judge! I don't even think you read my whole post before you answered. Sorry, but your answer was of absolutely no help to me, and started with an accusatory attitude. If you're actually trying to help people by answering their questions, you should take the time to read the whole post and give a meaningful, thorough answer (with as little judgment as possible). If you can't do that, or don't have any personal experiences or websites/info. To give, then you shouldn't respond.

Go to court. They'll solve it. Mention drug use and other things that make it illegal for him to claim custody.

First, may I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedba...ure-24951.html

Second, you came here with a chip on your shoiulder and that's not going to endear you to people here or get us to expend any effort to help you. The fact is that I have answered this question, in detail, several times. Since you claimed to have read some of those threads I didn't think I needed to go into detail.

And yes I did read your post carefully, but again, since it was so similar to dozens of other questions previously asked, that you claimed to have read, I didn't think I needed to go into detail. I post the same answer because that's the CORRECT answer (which is why your rating was inappropriate).

The bottomline here is your situation is no different from dozens of others that have posted before you. You have a bio father that has not been part of your child's life, having limited contact and doesn't pay support. You want your current husband to be able to adopt the child, but the bio father won't relinquish his rights. You are also concerned about him being involved because of past (and possibly current) drug usage. There, I said in 3 short sentences what you took a very long paragraph to say.

Abandonment is when someone disappears and leaves a child with no supervision (as I've said several times). That's not the case here so abandonment laws don't apply.

So your only hope is to prove he's a danger to the child. Which is what I said to you and what I've said in previous answers to peopleansking the same question.

ScottGem:

I apologize for not using the comment usage correctly.

As far as your answer, I did look up through the search engine situations like mine, but did not find the clear answer that you say you have posted many times. Not to say you haven't, I'm just saying I didn't see it. Maybe it's a difference of opinion on what we both feel is a clear answer. I will look again and see if I find what I'm looking for.

I may have made a lengthy post in your opinion, but it's because you can't answer or give your opinion (if that's what they are looking for) someone's Q w/o details to get the full story- such as where they live, etc.

I honestly did not come on here with a chip on my shoulder. I was just asking for factual info. Or what the outcome was for people that have been in my situation trying to TPR- without having people write cruel and ugly, unnecessary things. (Not saying you did that either) I just think you could've worded the first line differently, so you don't make it sound like "Oh Geez, another person asking the same Q, I can't believe I need to answer this AGAIN". So the same could be said for you for having a chip on your shoulder, as far as new-comers joining and asking similar Q's. What I'm trying to get at is I think you could sound a little more polite when you reply, instead of sounding like it is a pain in your you-know-what to have to answer another Q.

Responding now to your last reply, abandonment is NOT always when a child is left unsupervised. I many states abandonment is classified very differently, which is why I was asking about VA law. In certain states, abandonment can be when a parent has not had contact with the child for 6 months or more. In certain states, there are other loop holes as well. You didn't state if you were referring to VA laws, or just in general. I have found the info. Before, but can't figure out what site I got it from and what the state of VA goes by. I was also really hoping to hear from someone that has been through this situation before, because I'd like to know what my chances are of getting his parental rights terminated by a judge.

Now that we have all that cleared up... No hard feelings. Anyway, I appreciate you taking the time to write back and trying to answer my question.

You are misunderstanding the laws. Abandonment can be a charge or a ground. A charge is what someone can be criminally charged with for violating a law. A ground is a reason for someone to sue for in a civil matter.

You cannot sue for abandonment. You can sue to have rights terminated citing abandonment as ground for the TPR. But the bottomline is you want rights terminated, that's what you have to petition the court for.

My opinion is that you stand a small chance of getting his rights terminated. I think you stand a better chance of going after the danger to the child issue than abandonment. From my research and experience, abandonment alone will not get the job done, unless the parent has disappeared completely.

One last point. I only made an issue of the length of your post because of your response. In most cases, I would prefer too much detail than not enough. But your situation is not significantly different from many others we've dealt with.

You're right, I was phrasing it wrong. What I meant was I wanted to use abandonment as the grounds for TPR. So how shall I start the process? Is it better to go about it in the aspect of TPR for adoption? That's ulitmately what I'm trying to accomplish, just trying to find whatever way I can to get his PRT (parental rights terminated) so my husband can adopt. Do I just file to go through with the adoption, and then the courts have a hearing to see if the judge feels it's in the best interest of the child to TPR of my ex to proceed with the adoption? How does this whole process work? Where do I start?

I get your point about it being similar to other cases... that's not even relevant anyway.

Thanks again for clearing up about the laws. If you can answer any of my newest Q's, I would greatly appreciate it. I am unfamiliar with how the whole process works.

(Edited to add: I also wanted to mention that I filed for child support over a year ago, and according to my caseworker, should have already went through a few months ago, but hasn't yet. I was told it was just about to go to court and then I would start seeing child support payments. If this does go through, will this affect my case to TPR for the adoption? Will that make him now appear to be involved in her life if he is paying court-ordered child support? I am hoping at this point now that he will start paying the support, realizing that it's not worth it for him to pay money when he doesn't even see her, and then decide to voluntarily give up his rights, but I highly doubt he will do that. Should I cancel the child support and go for the adoption process, or let the child support go through and see what happens?)

Since TPRS are MOST often granted in the case of adoption, it would be best to petition for adoption and make the TPR part of that whole process. I would strongly suggest engaging a Family law attorney to help you with this. Since getting a TPR is a iffy process, you really need someone to help you wade through the legalities.

Forced support won't affect the adoption request. But its more likely to get him to agree to the TPR.

Thanks for the advice. So what is the first step? Go to the courthouse and file the paperwork for the adoption? How long until the first court date? I assume they will notify my ex, correct? Does that mean he would have to come here to VA and contest it (which I know he will)? Is this usually a really long process? What if he decides to consent? How would he consent legally- here in court, or can he sign something there in his state and send it here? Sorry for so many Q's. I know only an attorney can answer them fully/accurately to the law, but I just want to know what to expect, how to go about it (and so forth). Oh- and one last Q- what type of attorney should I look for? One that "specializes" in Step-parent adoption?

First step is get an attorney. I would not try to do this on your own. Shop around many will give you a free intitial consult. You are looking for one specializing in Family Law.

The attorney will take care of notifying him. Most likely, he will contact him asking for a voluntary relinquishment. If refused, the atty will have to file a petition for TPR along with the adoption.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by NeedAdvice08

First off, I would like to say ahead of time that I am looking for serious answers to my questions, and not people's opinions on what they feel about the situation. I have read other people's Q's and A's on here and some people tend to give cruel and very opinionated feedback of their points of view, often not even answering the question at all. Also, I'm trying to make this as anonymous as possible, hence why I used the phrase "the child", rather than saying him or her. Moving on...

I (obviously) live in VA. My child's Bio-Father lives out of state. He has not been in the child's life since a baby, except once when I was visiting that state- He gave the child back before his time was up b/c he couldn't handle taking care of the child. He does not pay child support. He never sees the child, nor tries to. There has been no established relationship with the child. The only contact we have is via email, so that it is all documented. We do have each other's current info., so there's no excuse for him not to be involved. He has just very recently started sending gifts or a gift card on major holidays, but still does not have any other involvement with the child. I filed for child support a year ago, but it hasn't gone through yet. I have asked on more than one occasion for him to relinquish his rights, but he refuses. I am married and have another child with my husband. My husband has been in the oldest child's life since infancy and wants to be able to adopt the child. The child has no idea that my husband is not her bio-father. My ex has since married and his wife is due to give birth to their baby very soon. He wants to create a family with his new wife, but yet out of spite, refuses to let go of our child that he obviously wants nothing to do with anyway. He doesn't want to be a father, just wants the title. I know how my ex and his family are, and they are very angry people that have never put the best interest of the child first. His prior drug use (that I believe is still going on) is a big concern, also. He is very irresponsible, immature and is a pathological liar. I am not stating this to bash my ex, I'm only mentioning this b/c I honestly feel whole-heartedly it would not be in my child's best interest to have him in our child's life. My child already has a great father.

I would like to know what the likeliness would be that I would get a judge to revoke the non-custodial parents' rights. Has anyone been through a similar situation? If so, what was the outcome? Does anyone have any websites stating the laws/grounds of abandonment in VA? Also, should I start this process by having my husband file for the adoption, or going to court to TPR? I know that's the order they'll have to do it in court anyway, but how do I start out proceeding this? Thanks ahead for any serious answers.

Before anyone responded, I wanted to add that I did read many other posts, most in in similar situations to mine, but I feel like my case is a little more complicated, since my ex refuses to give up rights, the fact that he's out of state, that there is no established relationship with the child, (which I feel would truly not be in the child's best interest to have the child in his life at all), etc. I didn't feel the answers provided to their Q's answered my own.

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Hello There in Virginia. I am not going to say I am an expert on Virginia, because I have never even been there. I did adopt my two stepsons and to do so my late husband and I had to take his ex to court and terminate her parental rights. It was a long involved process and took us 3 years. I think it might be easier for you because you have an established healthy home and he does not. We were young , I was 19 and he was 27 and we had to establish that I was mature enough to care for the two children. I think it will be easier for you. My boys are now in their 40's and I am still their mom.

I will send you the statutes from Virginia that I found which may help. I can see where you are getting the abandonment because abandonment for 6 months in Virginia as well as drug abuse is a cause for divorce in that state. I think that is probably what you were thinking about. It would be a logical conclusion that it would be the same, however, paternity is a different issue.

In hind sight I would follow a different trail and from reading the last paragraph on the statutes I am sending you on adoption it says that the paternal father has 21 days to object to an adoption procedure after the adoption has ben filed. I would file for the adoption and let him object and prove to the Judge why it should not go through. That is my opinion but it is what I would do some 40 years later after I am older and smarter.

Registry/Paternity Requirements to Receive Notice
Citation: §§ 63.2-1202; 63.2-1222
The putative father must object to adoption proceedings within 21 days of the mailing of the notice of such proceedings.

Here is what I found. If you need anything further let me know and I will see what I can find. By the way... this is not the easiest site to navigate and I have answered the same questions not even knowing someone else answered them months ago. If you have been on here a long time it is probably old hat, but to a newcomer it is a bit confusing.

I am not a lawyer, nor am I an expert on child custody, just someone that has been through it and a fairly good Human Resources Manager.

Shirley


Virginia

Child Abuse and Neglect
Definitions of Child Abuse and Neglect
To better understand this issue and to view it across States, see the Definitions of Child Abuse and Neglect: Summary of State Laws (PDF - 442 KB) publication.

Physical Abuse
Citation: Ann. Code § 63.2-100

Abused or neglected child means any child less than age 18:
Whose parents or other person responsible for his or her care creates or inflicts, threatens to create or inflict, or allows to be created or inflicted upon such child a physical or mental injury by other than accidental means, or creates a substantial risk of death, disfigurement, or impairment of bodily or mental functions
Who is with the parent or other responsible person either (1) during the manufacture or attempted manufacture of a Schedule I or II controlled substance or (2) during the unlawful sale of such substance, where such manufacture, or attempted manufacture or unlawful sale would constitute a felony violation
Whose parents or other responsible person creates a substantial risk of physical or mental injury by knowingly leaving the child alone in the same dwelling, including an apartment, with a person to whom the child is not related by blood or marriage and who the parent or other responsible person knows has been convicted of an offense against a minor for which registration is required as a violent sexual offender


Neglect
Citation: Ann. Code § 63.2-100

Abused or neglected child means any child less than age 18:
Whose parents or other person responsible for his or her care neglects or refuses to provide care necessary for his or her health
Who is without parental care or guardianship caused by the unreasonable absence or the mental or physical incapacity of the child's parent, guardian, legal custodian, or other person standing in loco parentis


Sexual Abuse
Citation: Ann. Code § 63.2-100

Abused or neglected child means any child less than age 18 whose parents or other person responsible for his or her care commits or allows to be committed any act of sexual exploitation or any sexual act upon a child in violation of the law.

Emotional Abuse
Citation: Ann. Code § 63.2-100

Abused or neglected child means any child less than age 18 whose parents or other person responsible for his or her care creates or inflicts, threatens to create or inflict, or allows to be created or inflicted upon such child a mental injury, or creates a substantial risk of impairment of mental functions.

Abandonment
Citation: Ann. Code § 63.2-100

Abused or neglected child means any child less than age 18 whose parents or other person responsible for his or her care abandons such child.

Standards for Reporting
Citation: Ann. Code § 63.2-100

A report is required when the child is injured or at substantial risk of impairment.

Persons Responsible for the Child
Citation: Ann. Code § 63.2-100

Responsible persons include the child's parents or other person responsible for the care of the child.

Exceptions
Citation: Ann. Code § 63.2-100

No child who in good faith is under treatment solely by spiritual means through prayer in accordance with the tenets and practices of a recognized church or religious denomination shall for that reason alone be considered to be an abused or neglected child.


(Back to Top)

Adoption
Rights of Presumed (Putative) Fathers, The
To better understand this issue and to view it across States, see the Rights of Presumed (Putative) Fathers, The: Summary of State Laws (PDF - 323 KB) publication.

Does State have a Putative Father Registry: No

Registry/Paternity Requirements to Receive Notice
Citation: §§ 63.2-1202; 63.2-1222
The putative father must object to adoption proceedings within 21 days of the mailing of the notice of such proceedings.

Information Contained in Registry/Claim
Citation:

Not addressed in statutes reviewed

Revocation of Claim to Paternity
Citation:

Not addressed in statutes reviewed

Access to Information Maintained in Registry
Citation:

Not addressed in statutes reviewed

Shirley's research gives you a plan of action. Have your attorney file for adoption and serve notice on the bio father. If he doesn't respond, then it should make life easier. If he does, then you have to go the next step oif getting his rights terminated.

Thanks for all the responses.

Update:

Not long ago, after much debate/thought, I finally explained to my child about the bio father, after bio father claimed he wanted to be in the child's life, etc.. Child made it clear child wants nothing to do with him, and my ex doesn't try very hard at all to get to know our child. He never calls, makes promises he doesn't keep and now that child support has been finalized (after over a year) he is not paying right off the bat. So again he proves he is not ready, and may never be. I think I definitely am going to stick to this plan and go that route. I think I have been more than fair over the years giving him chance after chance to be in her life and step up to the plate. He refuses to do so but wants all the credit and title of father.

Now my only question(s) and issue is- if he does fight it, how costly can this get? Does it seem like I have a good chance of getting his rights terminated? I have a stable (clean) house, we make enough money to provide for our children, he lives in an apartment with his new wife (which has no room for our child if child visits) and they can barely afford to survive and take care of the baby they now have (and he's not even paying the child support, either). Do they take those things in account too, or is that only if we are in a "normal" custody battle? If he does agree (to relinquish his rights voluntarily), (remember we are not in the same state) do I still need an attorney? Is there some legal paper I can get him to sign and turn in to the court? Thanks ahead for answering any questions.

I am gong to play it safe and tell you to consult an attorney.. I disagree with some on this forum.

There is the mindset that you can never voluntarily give up rights unless there is an adoption. I know for a fact it is not true, but do not wish to argue with the forum posters.

I have a relative right now at this time that is working with her ex to relinquish his rights, she has to prove she can provide for the child and has provided for the child for the last 5 years without his help. They are going to court next week.

Yes she does have an attorney and she did have to do a credit report and a home study by HHS.

I forgot about your question about the cost. If you get an attorney it would be his fees, the cost of the credit report. The home study is free but you need to take the day off from work for it.

I know this is done, my husband terminated his ex wife's rights to his two sons before we got married and he had sole custody. I went to a couple of the court hearings with him as moral support. Before we were married we were family friends, neighbors and went to school together.

The court does look at what is the best interest of the child, including support of the child. If you are stable have a good job and can totally support the child it is no different than a single person adopting that child.


Shirley

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wildsporty

There is the mindset that you can never voluntarily give up rights unless there is an adoption. I know for a fact it is not true, but do not wish to argue with the forum posters.

I have a relative right now at this time that is working with her ex to relinquish his rights, she has to prove she can provide for the child and has provided for the child for the last 5 years without his help. They are going to court next week.

Yes she does have an attorney and she did have to do a credit report and a home study by HHS.

Shirley

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To my knowledge, no one has said that you can "never" give up rights. But the fact is that it is very difficult to get a TPR and generally, they are only given to clear the way for adoption or if the parent represents a danger to the child. Dozens of posts have cited statute and experience to support that position.

The situation you cite proves this. Your relative is having to prove she can support the child now and in the future before a judge will grant a TPR. She probably lives in a state where a TPR severs all rights AND responsibilities. So the court will want to make sure, she will not look for govt assistance in the future. Unless she can do so, to the judge's satisfaction, the TPR will not be granted.