I have been with my girlfriend for almost 5 years now and she is asking for space. We have had our ups and downs but have always promised each other that we'd never leave each other. We were deeply in love and besides work/school have spent the last 5 years together all the time. I have lived with her for the past 2 years. We have both done/said things to each other that we regret, but nothing worth ending a relationship after 5 years. My problem was that I have problems showing love and affection which I have gotten much better with. Just recently she got a new job and met this guy who has become a friend to the both of us, but it seems that ever since she started hanging out with this guy things have just gone down hill. Now ever since she told me we need space she has been over at his place (he lives with his sister, and two friends) every other night at least for the past two weeks. Keep in mind that we still live together so its making it really hard to give her space with her sleeping on the couch in the next room. She swears she still loves me and nothing is going on with her and this guy, and says she just needs space. She says that if it is meant to be that things will work out between us. Do I just stop all contact with her period, or should I try my hardest to win her back? I have realized that I took a lot of what we had together for granted. I have tried explaining that I can change and be a more caring loving person. I haven't been helping her out with financial situations as much as I should have been (were college students) so I paid her part of the rent this month and have bought her flowers, food, etc... She says its too late for me to start trying and she needs a break. I love this girl more than I've loved anything. We are each close to each others families and we were planning on getting married in the next few years. I just don't understand how she can look me in the eyes and say she needs space if she really loves me. I can't stop thinking about her. I probably call/text message her too much which I am trying as hard as I can not to. I have cried myself to sleep for the past 3-4 nights, I haven't been able to eat, or focus on school at all. Ever since she asked for space she ignores my phone calls most of the time, occasionally answering them. She let me take her to lunch today and now she's back at this guys house partying while I sit at home all alone. What should I do?

OK the ignoring phone calls not a good sign. Yeah. I wouldn't wait around for her to make up her mind on what she wants to do. You take control you make your own mind up

And say OK this girl is wanting space from me but hanging with another man? There's something wrong there and not talking to me


I would brake it off with her personaly.. if she wants space give it to her. Fully.

^^ that's a lot easier said than done. I have tried to force myself not to talk to her, but that's all I think about and when she walks in the door in the middle of the night after I've been sitting here all night alone, my emotions take over and I break down and basically beg her to stay with me. I know this is not the right route if I want her back but its like my body won't let me cut her off. Should I confront this guy or will that make it worse? Also, she is living in the same house as me and paying half the rent. Should I kick her out or what? If I kick her out then I won't be able to afford rent. Its like Im trapped. Thanks for the advice.

I personally would do the same to her. Don't take her calls. Go out and party and have fun with other friends. Stay out till 3 in the morning. Let her worry about why you're not home. Give her a taste of her own medicine and enjoy your own life in the mean time. She is not your life. Go out and live yours. She can love you and want to have a life outside of you. You need to learn to do the same. I'm not saying that I'm not worried about this other guy, and I'm definitely woried that she sleeps on the couch, but don't show her that you are completely and totally dependent on her to live your life. If she sees you enjoying life and being fun she might reconsider the things she has been doing. You need to talk to her at some point about some obviously deeper issues, but right now give her her space and go out and live your own life. Life to short to sit at home alone while the girlfriend parties. Don't be unfaithful to her, but go live it up!

Harsh version:

Relationship's over. New guy'll be in the picture before long. Sorry.

Soft version:

This may NOT be the case... but... 9 times out of 10... it seems like your girl's ready to move on. This happens... a lot, as in any given moment, there's about 20 people on this forum asking "my girlfriend says she needs space" questions. As for now, give her some space. I understand you two are living together, which makes this a lot harder...

She seems to want to break up with you, but she's doing it gradually. She's found a new friend to hang out with, and there's a good chance she'll end up with him right after you. If it's possible, try to stay with a friend or a cousin for a little bit.

As for now, clean yourself up a bit, and call up those old friends you haven't seen in a while. Read the two stickies on the relationship forum... read the novels of ihatewestseneca, freakinconfused, romefalls19, and even mine if you wish. We've all been there... we've all done that.

Best of luck.

^^I would if I could. I gave up all my friends for her which was my first mistake. I have nowhere to go but my parents and I don't want to be there and let them see me like this. I've thought about just driving around for a few hours so she thinks Im out having fun, but that just seems pathetic. I guess that's what all this boils down to is me being a pathetic loser who ed up something solid and true by taking everything for granted... Now I have to deal with it.

Well. I was in the same boat as you 2 months ago.

I had given up all of my friends. My ex was living with me for a year. I had no life.

She said she needed space... then ended up moving out a week later... then met a "new friend"... then a week later, she's with the new guy.

I'm not sure if it'll help... but this is what I did:

- joined a gym
- worked long hours @ work
- started volunteering
- signed up for sign language classes
- called up ALL of my old friends... caught up for a beer, dinner, lunch, even breakfast (gotta take what you can get)
- started asking my co-workers to go out
- spent about 3 hours or so on this forum

The point is... just keep busy. I understand the nights are hard... if that's the case, call up a friend to go to a bar to catch up, go watch a movie, go read a book at a local coffee shop (dunkin donuts?), do... something.

Best wishes.

If Sneeze is right, and I hope he's not, then when the time coes, just let her go. Cut her off then. I hate to say it, but if you do it now, you'll look like the bad guy. Appearances do matter, especially when she can twist it in her own head to vindicate herself of guilt. You don't want to give her that. Just go out and have fun and live life NOW. If she leaves you, the BEST thing you can do is let it happen. Begging her to not leave you and to please come back and the sob story "I love you so much" and "you'll never find someone like me" will only seal your fate. If/When it happens just let her go. The only thing you do is tell her you support her decision, you understand, and that you are OK. And very importantly you need to start going out and having fun without her NOW. Not in a week. Not in a Month. Not in a year. NOW. While she's wanting space. Go out and have fun NOW.

Sneeze has it exactly right. You can go out and do things without her. Try some or all of the things he suggests doing, and do them now. Don't wait for the bad things to happen. Start now.

No offense, but if sneeze did everything he said and didn't get the girl back, why would this be a good solution? I want my girl back, I don't want to forget about her and move on yet.

Because the fact is you can't control whether she leaves. She is her own free thinking person with a mind of her own. Even if you could force her to stay with you, you wouldn't because she wouldn't be chosing you. The reason we suggest getting out and getting a life (to put it bluntly) is twofold. It sets you up and prepares you for the worst possible situation, that she leaves you. This IS a possibility you MUST face. If on the other hand you have a chance in the world of stopping her you must get out and start having fun so that you seem MORE attractive to her. She won't find you attractive and won't want to stay with you if you are needy and dependent and I'm sorry to be blunt again, a whiny little baby. She will be more attracted to you if you show her you know how to be independent and have fun with or with out her. Is you have a chance in Hell it is to show her that you are still the fun confident cool guy she fell in love with in the first place. So seriously, the only way you stand a chance is go out and have a life and stop sitting at home waiting up for her. I'm not trying to come off as mean, and this is very counter-intuitive advice, but God I wish someone had said this to me before I lost my girl. I lost her begging and pleading and being pathetic and needy just like you are now. Most of us here have the SAME story you do. The difference is you have a chance to stop it in the making. If you stop chasing her, she'll stop running away. Chasing her PUSHES HER AWAY. So seriously, it's the opposite of the natural reaction, but it is the RIGHT reaction.

Hey sikanatsak88 I know how you feel, in fact most of us on this forum can directly relate to this. The first thing you need to do is accept the fact that she has left you and there is nothing you can do about it. Now is the time to focus all your energy on getting YOURSELF back and let go of all hopes of her coming back. It takes time and effort but the best thing you can do is simply move on and live your life without her. If it is meant to happen it will but do not hold your breath. You will feel better but you have to let it happen. Read the stickies and follow the advice people give you. What helped me the most was joining a gym and calling up old buddies to hang out. Keep your head up, stay strong, and let her be.

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Originally Posted by sikanatsak88

no offense, but if sneeze did everything he said and didnt get the girl back, why would this be a good solution? I want my girl back, I dont want to forget about her and move on yet.

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No offense back, but if you don't follow his suggestions, you are opening the door for more misery and pain, and humiliation than you ever thought possible. You may not be ready yet, but she has already dumped you, and moved on, and if you weren't in shock, you would see that, so my advice is listen, and take a few suggestion from those that have been in your shoes, and can speak on it. Pack up leave, and disappear from her life, and get yours, back. Your way ain't worked, so listen up. She is already gone, so what do you have to lose except, your dignity. READ_"what to do when you get dumped", the link is in my signature.

I think everything has been said. If you really wanted to be with someone why ask for a "break" or go off and party with other people while your boyfriend is at home being miserable. Its hard to see now, but sooner or later its going to hit you like a ton of bricks. Its happened to all of us, that's life. Wake up, get rid of her, and start living your own life.

talaniman is 100% on the money with his comment. To my knowledge he has never led anybody wrong and I strongly suggest that you follow his and everybody else's advice. I know what everybody said is not what you want to hear but it is what's best. There is no magic formula that will heal your relationship and make her come back. By not follow the advice given to you I can guarantee more pain and misery. Do not make the same mistake I had and learn this the hard way.

I didn't want to move on either... I wanted her back as well...

But after doing NC, I realized that I'm actually better off without her. You don't think that now, as you put on her a pedestal... but spend some time on your own, and you'll realize to look at the relationship in a different perspective. To me, my girl was perfect... I did everything wrong. After 2 months of just being on my own, I realized... she's not perfect... actually, she's far from perfect. In fact, I did everything I could in that relationship to keep her happy... so I did nothing wrong (of course I have regrets... but I meant for the breakup).

Now, I feel MUCH better. I'm busier, more productive, healthier, happier, and overall just enjoying life. People see me in a different light, as they think I'm more outgoing and a little bit "dangerous" ;)

You have no other choice BUT nc... and after some time, you may realize that you may not want her back...

I agree its over you have to cut it off before it does don't draw it out my friend

OK... I'm going through the same thing right now. Except my girl wants to move home, near her family (Which is 4 states away from my family) with or with out me. I do have the concerns that she could be moving back to be with one of her exes that she keeps contact with, but what everyone here is saying is right! You have to start worrying about yourself right now, and worrying about what she does, or who she hangs out with will do nothing but make the hurting worse. I know that you hear everything that everyone is saying, and you're not trying to buck their advice, because it is going to have to come down to when you feel comfortable to move on. I personally haven't gotten to that point, but today I realized I'm closer than I thought. My sister had a baby and I became an uncle, and when I didn't tell her right away (Like I normally would if we were together) she got pissed, and then said "Well I guess I asked for this!" Anyway, I'm trying to give my girl space to figure out whatever it is she needs, but we work together, so it's tough just like I know its tough for you living with her. So I'm looking for a new job... and not only because I feel getting away from her will help her space and hopefully us, but I've found out just how much I've let slide with this job because it didn't matter because I got to see her every day!
Another thing that might help out, which I have found has helped me... Go to church. I've never been a consistent church goer, but it's just ironic that as she broke the news of taking space the church I go to was doing a series on depression, broken relationships, lonliness and resentment. Now we are going through a series on True Love, and as hard it is to hear and compare to the situations with what I'm going through and wanting to share those messages with my girl, it helps me on days when I feel I'm the weakest. The root of the series is that love is patient, and that if god has you two meant to be together, you will be. The gist of all this is to occupy your times when you think about her the most. Do go out, be with friends, and don't stray from her until you can come to the complete conclusion that you are done! Listen to yourself, and go at a pace that you're comfortable with, but the sooner you start working on yourself the sooner you can accept whatever the outcome of this will be. The only control we have in this situation is what we do! We can't worry about the should have, would have and could haves. If she truly cares about you, and loves you try and shoot her an email and see if she's willing to have an open and honest conversation about you two and each others directions in life! Let her know how you feel, and the way I look at things is that by giving her X amount of months of space, but to be able to spend the rest of my life with this girl will be time well spent.
Hope some of this helps, and I know it's tough... It's still tough for me, and I know that it will all make sense again one day!

Good luck, but these guys are right on, dude the signs are there. Good luck... "TIME HEALS ALL" :cool:

Oh, don't say you've been crying yourself to sleep! You're making my eyes water!

If she says she needs space, give it to her. The flowers and all would be great any other time. But if she wants space she could perceive that as you trying to get even closer. And that could push her away. Be more subtle. Like, if you know she is going to be home at a certain time, just happen to be watching her favorite movie and have both of your favorite snacks out ;)

Ever heard the saying, if you love something let it go, if it comes back that's how you know its yours? (or something close to that anyways) it sounds like you're both young. Maybe she's feeling uncertain about getting ready to settle down and feels like she needs to do a few more things before she does. Let her go a little. I predict she will come back again if you do.