Ask Me Help Desk - My dad is so complicated!

All right everyone, this is going to be a long one so just bare with me for a few minutes...

My parents have been happily married for 26 years now, they love each other to death but sometimes my dad just doesn't understand the concept of family.

My parents are fairly wealthy, My dad works but he never let my mom work a day in her life which she is grateful for. However, My dad is a workaholic. Recently my parents have been fighting constantly because my mom always tells my dad to stop working so much. He doesn't even need to work, but for the past 3 months, he's been working non-stop 7 days a week. He can sit on his at home and make money since he has people working for him, but he doesn't. All my mom wants is for him to spend time with her, take her somewhere, go shopping with her but he doesn't seem to understand that. He fills her wallet up with money every morning so she can go shopping and make herself happy. But he can't buy her the love she's missing out on, He doesn't understand that you can't BUY quality time with your wife and kids.

He believes that he can go out and work all day everyday and buy us something and it will make us happy. For my grade 12 graduation he bought me a $100,000 mercedes-benz and yea it made me happy for a few days but at the moment, I would rather sell it if it means for him to sit at home and spend time with us. My mom is such a fun loving person and it hurts me to see her at home alone waiting for him to come home all the time. Sometimes I cancel my plans to stay at home with her because If I go out, all I think about is her being at home alone. She's been through depression already and when she did go through it he spent more time at home but now that she's conquered it, he's back to his old habbits. I'm just scared she might go through it again. I just always see her sitting in the Living room on the couch at 5 looking out the window, waiting for him to pull up but he never does until 7 or 8. It breaks my heart. I've even seen her crying a few times.

Last week I kind of got in the middle of their argument and told my dad that he doesn't even care about us. He doesn't know what my schedule is like, what time I go to school, how I'm doing in school or anything. In his defense, he told me that he does care for us and that's why he bought me my own house so that when I'm older, I won't have to work as much as him. Apparently he's trying to make my life easier for me. I told him that I'll be making enough money next year to buy myself a house and that money isn't everything. I just want him to be at home and spend time with us. He goes to work at 7 in the morning, comes home at 7 in the evening has dinner and goes to bed. He doesn't have time for us!

I started taking my mom out on my own, I try to make her happy with the simpler things in life like going for a walk on the beach on a nice day, Sometimes we just go to the airport and watch the airplanes land, Or we'll just spend a few hours telling each other funny jokes, We watch movies together and order a pizza. These little things make her so happy.. more happiness than money can buy. Its not much to ask for but why does my dad make it seem like a chore?? Its just quality time spent with the family!

What can I do to make him spend more time with us??

Does your family or your mom and dad ever go on vacation?
It sounds like your mom needs to get him away from his familiar routine for awhile and really get his attention.
Other than workaholic and your dad not being sensitive to your family's emotional needs I don't know what the answers are cause he is in his own little world.
Maybe if your mom joins things like Curves, takes some classes and gets an enjoyable life it might get your dad's attention. Even if not at least she is filling her life with positive things rather than lying around the house counting on him for her happiness.
Not that he shouldn't be trying to make a happy life together but as long as he is uncooperative I think it would be good for her.

Hi Carebear99 - I'm not a professional but one thing I DO know is that you can't make people change. If your dad has had this same behavior for 26 years, there's no reason to expect that he'll change. BUT, if your mom really wants to spend time with her hubby perhaps there are changes that she can employ that will make a difference. Of course there are never any guarantees, but she can try some new things. My suggestion is for her to think about the things that DO interest him and possibly schedule some events around those functions. For example, maybe there's a seminar in the area on the type of work that he does -- with well known industry leaders as guest speakers. She can also surprise him by picking up his favorite lunch-time meal and take it to the office where they can have lunch together. Does he have any friendships with anyone at the office? Buddy up with them for an evening out to dinner and music. The point I'm trying to make is that ----- he's not going to change BUT, he may respond differently to new stimuli so your mom and you --- need to think out of the box and try some new and creative strategies, tactics and activities. Maybe he's in a SLUMP and work is the way he deals with his depression. It's time to snap out of it and there are a ton of books that your mom can read that will give her new ideas on little things she can try to spend more time with your dad.

Lastly, I also suggest that your mom get involved with some actvities or hobbies or a social group, volunteer group ----- something that interest HER. In many cases when a person realizes that your entire world and being revolves and focuses around them, they begin to pay more attention to you --- sometimes only because you're not paying them the attention that you used to. Life is too short and your mom needs to find some interests that make her happy besides just her husband. Maybe you can influence your mom to get into a painting class, or yoga, or writing, or volunteering to help at a nursing home... Anything that might interest her and expose her to new environments and new people and new relationships. It sounds like she's not feeling too good about herself and happiness starts with you, the individual first and foremost.

I hope this helps and I wish you and your mom much luck in this effort. She must be a strong woman to have dealt with this behavior for such a long time so I know she can find some satisfying interests that sparks a new light in her.

Keep us posted and good luck!

He shouls be spending more time at home but if he loves his job enough to go 7 days a week he is going to be an extremely hard nut to crack after all 26 years I doubt he will change..

And 100K Mercedes for graduation and he bought you a house... be grateful! And yes he is making life easier for you he bought you a flash car and a house! A lot more than most parents ever would..

I can see the bad and good but your dad seems like the perfect husband father, bar spending absolutely no time with family... which is pretty bad!

Sorry guys, I forgot to mention that he is also an alcoholic since he comes home every night and has a few too many drinks and then goes straight to bed... Drinking is his only other interest when he's not working. It was never this bad before but recently, I don't know what to do.. . They just got into another argument tonight about this. I'm scared for his, my moms and my own health. All he cares about is money. I'm about to give up on hope. I don't think anything or anyone can fix him.

Okay so I actually had a talk with mom & dad and It really helped.. I told my dad how I really felt and at first he thought I was blowing everything out of proportion but for the past few days, he's been coming home earlier to hang out with us and he stopped drinking as much and we're all going on a mini road trip on sunday:) I'm so excited I can't wait!! Things are starting to get better. Thanks for your guys' help! Appreciate it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carebear99

Okay so I actually had a talk with mom & dad and It really helped.. I told my dad how i really felt and at first he thought I was blowing everything out of proportion but for the past few days, he's been coming home earlier to hang out with us and he stopped drinking as much and we're all going on a mini road trip on sunday:) I'm so excited i can't wait!!! Things are starting to get better. Thanks for your guys' help! Appreciate it.

That's really cool! Please let us know what happens! I know that I wasn't a part of your thread until now, but that's because I didn't notice it until now. I have a strong interest in your needs and what you are going through.

Does he stay busy with work to avoid having time to drink so much? If he really is an alcoholic, any use of alcohol will be a problem. I am not an expert, but when you mentioned alcohol, I have seen enough alcoholics to know that you will never solve the root problem, until the alcoholism is taken out of the equation.

CareBear99 - That's so awesome! I'm so happy that you all are really trying which means you care about each other very much. And that means a lot---- to care, first and foremost. If there was no love, no-one would make any attempt. I'm sure you guys can work this this but please, take baby steps... Rome wasn't built in a day and habits are super hard to break, especially for us older folks because they've been a part of us for a long time. It'll take a lot of patience and it seems your honesty worked. Never give up on the people that you love... There's always a way to accomplish things although you may never get 100% of what you want --- and that's okay for most of us. Congratulations and keep us posted as Clough requested. We're truly concerned.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Carebear99

Alright everyone, this is going to be a long one so just bare with me for a few minutes...

My parents have been happily married for 26 years now, they love each other to death but sometimes my dad just doesn't understand the concept of family.

My parents are fairly wealthy, My dad works but he never let my mom work a day in her life which she is greatful for. However, My dad is a workaholic. Recently my parents have been fighting constantly because my mom always tells my dad to stop working so much. He doesn't even need to work, but for the past 3 months, he's been working non-stop 7 days a week. He can sit on his at home and make money since he has people working for him, but he doesn't. All my mom wants is for him to spend time with her, take her somewhere, go shopping with her but he doesn't seem to understand that. He fills her wallet up with money every morning so she can go shopping and make herself happy. But he can't buy her the love she's missing out on, He doesn't understand that you can't BUY quality time with your wife and kids.

He believes that he can go out and work all day everyday and buy us something and it will make us happy. For my grade 12 graduation he bought me a $100,000 mercedes-benz and yea it made me happy for a few days but at the moment, I would rather sell it if it means for him to sit at home and spend time with us. My mom is such a fun loving person and it hurts me to see her at home alone waiting for him to come home all the time. Sometimes I cancel my plans to stay at home with her because If i go out, all i think about is her being at home alone. She's been through depression already and when she did go through it he spent more time at home but now that she's conquered it, he's back to his old habbits. I'm just scared she might go through it again. I just always see her sitting in the Living room on the couch at 5 looking out the window, waiting for him to pull up but he never does until 7 or 8. It breaks my heart. I've even seen her crying a few times.

Last week i kind of got in the middle of their argument and told my dad that he doesn't even care about us. He doesn't know what my schedule is like, what time i go to school, how I'm doing in school or anything. In his defense, he told me that he does care for us and thats why he bought me my own house so that when I'm older, i wont have to work as much as him. Apparently he's trying to make my life easier for me. I told him that I'll be making enough money next year to buy myself a house and that money isn't everything. I just want him to be at home and spend time with us. He goes to work at 7 in the morning, comes home at 7 in the evening has dinner and goes to bed. He doesn't have time for us!

I started taking my mom out on my own, i try to make her happy with the simpler things in life like going for a walk on the beach on a nice day, Sometimes we just go to the airport and watch the airplanes land, Or we'll just spend a few hours telling each other funny jokes, We watch movies together and order a pizza. These little things make her soo happy..more happiness than money can buy. Its not much to ask for but why does my dad make it seem like a chore???? Its just quality time spent with the family!!

what can i do to make him spend more time with us???

Well if he is a workaholic then he might just need to take some time off to spend more time with his family. Just try to hang out with him more often and he will understand that his time with his family is more important that his time at work.