Ask Me Help Desk - Sister problems

Hi. I'm a 44 year old woman, the youngest of 5 kids, and my sister who's 2 years older than me is not speaking to me. We had a fight over the phone last June - she ended up hanging up on me, basically because I laid it on the line & she didn't like it very much. She's a difficult peson to get along with. At times she can be very funny, witty, and somewhat charming. At other times, she's rude, nasty, and difficult. She's butted heads with various family members over the years and lost some friends because of her difficult personality. Our fight was not nasty, but I got tired of arguing with her, and I told her that I wish I could tape record her voice and play it back to her so she knew exactly what she sounded like. She thinks that she never speaks in a nasty tone, etc. which is not reality at all. Anyway, I finally phoned her several weeks later and told her that I felt that we would never agree on what happened and basically, in order to save the relationship, we'd have to agree to disagree, and move forward. At first, she thought I was apologizing (she's NEVER apologized to anyone in her life), but I quickly set her straight on that, in a gentle way. She didn't seem to like that very much & wanted to start arguing again, but I just gently reminded her that I wasn't going down that road again. We needed to move forward to save our relationship. She seemed to agree, but makes no effort to contact me, although she contacts my other sisters. She even phoned my other sisters to thank them for her daughter's Christmas gift. I did not receive a phone call. She's come to my town for various reasons & has never made any attempt to make arrangements to get together, although she made arrangements with another sister. So, it's beginning to look like a pattern. Maybe my pride is in the way, but I've always been the one to appease her & make amends. I think it's time for me to stand up for myself & make a point that I'm not going to do that anymore. She needs to learn to see things from other people's perspectives & consider their feelings once in a while. She never thinks she's done anything wrong - it's always everybody else. She has a major chip on her shoulder & everything's "Poor me". So, basically, I don't know what to do. I'm the type of person who likes peace (as most people do) & I don't want family gatherings to be awkward because of this. Any ideas or suggestions would be appreciated - thanks for taking the time to help out!

Sorry to hear about your problem with your sister! It sounds to me like you handled it all pretty well. You told her the truth about how you felt, called her later to try to smooth it over, and let her know in a kind way that, although you don't agree with her, you love her and have no problem 'agreeing to disagree'. That all sounds like the right way to handle it to me. It sounds like your sister is pouting and isn't able to let things go, and that's a shame.

Do you think it would help if you sent her a letter explaining how you feel? Like, maybe you could tell her that you miss her and hope that she isn't still angry about the argument. Tell her that you love her very much in spite of your differences and would look forward to hearing from her soon. If she doesn't respond, then you've done all you can do really. Maybe you could get your other sisters/relatives to encourage her to call you. They could tell her, "Oh you should call her, she's been asking about you, and is worried about you because she hasn't heard from you in so long" or something like that.

I really hope things work out soon!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rockgrl84

Hi. I'm a 44 year old woman, the youngest of 5 kids, and my sister who's 2 years older than me is not speaking to me. We had a fight over the phone last June - she ended up hanging up on me, basically because I laid it on the line & she didn't like it very much. She's a difficult peson to get along with. At times she can be very funny, witty, and somewhat charming. At other times, she's rude, nasty, and difficult. She's butted heads with various family members over the years and lost some friends because of her difficult personality. Our fight was not nasty, but I got tired of arguing with her, and I told her that I wish I could tape record her voice and play it back to her so she knew exactly what she sounded like. She thinks that she never speaks in a nasty tone, etc., which is not reality at all. Anyway, I finally phoned her several weeks later and told her that I felt that we would never agree on what happened and basically, in order to save the relationship, we'd have to agree to disagree, and move forward. At first, she thought I was apologizing (she's NEVER apologized to anyone in her life), but I quickly set her straight on that, in a gentle way. She didn't seem to like that very much & wanted to start arguing again, but I just gently reminded her that I wasn't going down that road again. We needed to move forward to save our relationship. She seemed to agree, but makes no effort to contact me, although she contacts my other sisters. She even phoned my other sisters to thank them for her daughter's Christmas gift. I did not receive a phone call. She's come to my town for various reasons & has never made any attempt to make arrangements to get together, although she made arrangements with another sister. So, it's beginning to look like a pattern. Maybe my pride is in the way, but I've always been the one to appease her & make amends. I think it's time for me to stand up for myself & make a point that I'm not going to do that anymore. She needs to learn to see things from other people's perspectives & consider their feelings once in a while. She never thinks she's done anything wrong - it's always everybody else. She has a major chip on her shoulder & everything's "Poor me". So, basically, I don't know what to do. I'm the type of person who likes peace (as most people do) & I don't want family gatherings to be awkward because of this. Any ideas or suggestions would be appreciated - thanks for taking the time to help out!

I have a sister who is just like yours. I am younger and have 3 older sister just like that. I stay up nights trying to figure them out. My one sister was my best friend and ever since my mom go sick - she is 83 they don't respect me even more because I won't put her in a home. I have learned that with some people no matter what you do it is wrong unless it is their way or you agree with them. Your sisters sounds like mine - her way or no way! I fee bad for you - what I am trying to do is keep my distance, I no longer feel they deserve my respect when they forgot all I did for them, A wise person told me
"a relationship that is so hard and you have to work at it is not worth it. I feel so bad bad my sisters - believe me I was getting sick over it, but I now feel I am DONE, I have tried everything and from your note so have you - maybe it is your sisters loss not being friends with you. I have to face all three because of my mom. I spoke to a priest and he said it takes 2 to fight. When you are in a room with her don't give an opinion or question what she says. I do this now and I have stop[ed the fighting. It hurt, but it hurts more when their words hurt you. You have one, I have three who seem to take pleasure in hurting me because of my mom. Do you have any suggestions.

I have not talked to my dad in years for several reasons. The last time he screwed me I literally walked out of his house and never went back and that was probably 5 or 6 years ago. He, like your sister has never apologized for any of the stuff he's said or done, and has this personality of "take it or leave it" so I left it. In my view I've spent to many YEARS trying to appease him and it just got to the point where I realized no matter what I did he would always keep lying to me so I determined that my life was to short and to valuable to waste dealing with people like that, even if they were family.