Hi my name is angela and I have never done a site before. It's late and there is no one I can talk to. I just wanted an opinion on what happened early this morning after my boyfriends sisters wedding. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I love him and his family so much. Last night his sister got married and I couldn't have been happier. It was so romantic and very fun. I really felt like part of the family and my boyfriend and I were having a blast. We have had a lot of trust issues in our relationship because we tend to drink too much when we do drink and people tend to do stupid things. I didn't think the night could get any better, I guess it was doomed to fail. Anyway, after the wedding had ended, we went t a bar next door. After that is all a blur but I remember being in a hotel room with the guys standing up in the wedding without my boyfriend playing cards. After that, me and him had gotten into a fight and he had left me at the hotel. I stayed awake with a girlfriend and 2 other guys when my boyfriend showed back up at the hotel. He saw me get out of a room with the two guys and the girl... nothing happen intimately! He was very drunk and started to scream at the one guy and then punched him in the face in the lobby. The front desk lady called the cops... the guy he punched was the grooms best friend. When the cops came they just had me and him leave. We took a cab back to his house but he then called my mother to pick me up and broke up with me. I didn't talkto him all day but I talked to his mom and she was crying asking me why I would be in a room alone with other guys and saying that dave ruined the wedding experience. She then hung up on me after telling me that we both need to stop drinking. He hasn't called all day except at 10 tonight... leaving a message saying that he knows what I did and that I cheated on him and that we were really over and I had made a big mistake but won't call or answer since then. I don't know how we got separated and I feel terrible but I really didn't cheat on him, he's my heart. I was just drunk and hanging out. I know guys can think otherwise and I never wanted to hurt anybody. I'm going to stop drinking for a while I just don't know what I would do if I lost him. Like I said he's my everything. I hope I made my night clear enough, I just wanted to know from someone else... would you have reacted the same? Do I just need to give him some time? How should I handle this situation? Would you forgive your girlfriend? Thanks

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First of all, his mom's right, YOU BOTH HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM. Quit cold turkey, no drinking, period. No matter what happens for your sake quit drinking. That being said, give him about 2 weeks to cool off. Do not talk to him. (and don't drink those 2 weeks away either) If he calls you, answer, but if he is angry, politely get off the phone. If he is calmed down, then try to explain everything. I would really place a strong emphasis on the other girl in the room with you. Unless you have a history of doing freaky group sex, this will help you start. It is very VERY important that when you talk to him, you don't lose your temper. You must stay calm. Don't fight him. He won't listen to you if he is fighting you. If you don't hear from him in two weeks, then you call him. And again be calm. And again don't fight him. I'm not saying be submissive, just be vulnerable. No one wants to kick a puppy. If he accuses you, don't agree with him, but don't get defensive. Just say, "I know your upset and nothing I can say will make you believe me." Do not accuse him of ANYTHING (including his drinking problem). When he gets calm (and it might take several tries and weeks) then explain to him what really happened. If you can get him calm enough to be receptive then you can make progress. If you can get past this misunderstanding and heal a little, then address both of your drinking problems. You however, need to quit now with or without him.

You need to deal with your alcoholism before you deal with anything else. Once you have sobered up, you can work on your relationship.

The problem with a situation like yours is that the alcoholism traps you into a never-ending circle, doomed to keep repeating the same issues. The only way to move forward is to break that circle. So that has to be your concentration. It does no good to work on the relationship until the alcoholism problem is resolved.

Sounds like a normal night of drunken revelry that ends up with a fight and cops called. I thought that's what drunks do, and how they have fun.

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Originally Posted by SJB1701E

First of all, his mom's right, YOU BOTH HAVE A DRINKING PROBLEM. Quit cold turkey, no drinking, period. No matter what happens for your sake quit drinking. That being said, give him about 2 weeks to cool off. Do not talk to him. (and don't drink those 2 weeks away either) If he calls you, answer, but if he is angry, politely get off the phone. If he is calmed down, then try to explain everything. I would really place a strong emphasis on the other girl in the room with you. Unless you have a history of doing freaky group sex, this will help you start. It is very VERY important that when you talk to him, you don't lose your temper. You must stay calm. Dont fight him. He wont listen to you if he is fighting you. If you dont hear from him in two weeks, then you call him. And again be calm. And again don't fight him. I'm not saying be submissive, just be vulnerable. No one wants to kick a puppy. If he accuses you, dont agree with him, but dont get defensive. Just say, "I know your upset and nothing I can say will make you believe me." Do not accuse him of ANYTHING (including his drinking problem). When he gets calm (and it might take several tries and weeks) then explain to him what really happened. If you can get him calm enough to be receptive then you can make progress. If you can get past this misunderstanding and heal a little, then address both of your drinking problems. You however, need to quit now with or without him.

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Dear SBJ - had to spread it before rating again. You give good advice here and I hope she can endure those first days of cold turkey - I would suggest getting help in doing so. Both of their poblems seem to stem from drinking too much, like Scott and Tal also said and I know how hard it it to get away from it.

Once 'Mom' gets a chance to see that she is seriously stopping with the booze, she might give the girl credit and pass it on to her son - encouraging him to do the same and they might have a future together - but that is in the future because this will not happen overnight. There is some truth in the saying ''all good things come to those who wait'' - and I would add ''to wait and work at it''.

I've been dry now for over twenty years but it was very hard to get here.

So, angerhodes, good luck to you dear, and know that we will be here to listen to you, keep us posted. You came to the right place.

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All of these stories always start with "we have been drinking too much" with this deal with both of your drinking issues and all of the other issues will go away

Thank you to everyone for their answers I appreciate the feedback. Its nice to talk to others and get their opinions and support. I know drinking is the factor to our bad nights. Me and my boyfriend don't drink all the time maybe once every two weeks and it doesn't always turn out bad but sometimes it does and the fact that it could happen on his sisters wedding goes to show its not worth it. I just feel terrible because none of his family deserved that. They have been the nicest, loving, welcoming people I just wish this never had to happen but now I have to deal with it I guess... the pain of knwing that his whole family thinks so bad of me makes me just want to end it but he doesn't so I don't know what to do about that. I don't want this to be a neverending circle but if we both don't change it will... thanks again take care to all!

Stop drinking kids

And using the term ohh we all get drunk and do stupid things is moronic. No one you guys have trust issues if your banging everyone you see when you guys are drunk

Your both to blame here leave each other and sort out your issues alone so you don't hurt anyone else.

I have no sympathy for you.

Hi anger,

For what's it's worth, I kind of disagree with some of the other posters, I don't think you are an alcoholic, drinking once every 2 weekends doesn't sound like that to me.

What I do think is that drinking is bad for your particular relationship, there are obviously issues such as trust that are a problem with you an your boyfriend, when people drink then these issues generally have a habit of coming to the surface, and as you are drunk then you have a lot less chance of controlling the way they are come out. On this particular occasion you have spoilt your nights and what should have been a memorable night for others.

So yes you should go cold turkey, as the other posters say

What you both need to do is talk, give your boyfriend time and then contact him back to explain what REALLY happened.

Just a couple of other things, when you guys drink, is there one person who usually starts an arguement/fight or is it both of you? And does your boyfriend have any reason to think that you would cheat on him i.e. previous experience in your relationship or is he a jealous and insecure type?

When I was young and dumb, I drank to loosen up even though I knew what booze could do to a family and friends. When I was married and was beaten by my ex a lot - I drank to keep the pain (physical and emotional) easier to handle. Then when I was separated and loneley I drank to make it easier to bear. AND there were times when I could stop for two or three months - so I thought I could handle it.

Well, it only took me four years of this to loose the control center in the brain - in other words - alcohol was my master! I tried the 6 week rehab and was good for about three months - until another crisis came up and I thought I could ease it with just a few drinks - wrong! I lived only to get my next drink. I don't know how my daughter managed to turn out so wonderful and she is still today, supportive and a blessing - even though she also went through hell because of me.

I finally told the doc that I wanted to be locked away for a longer period (in Germany, the insurance and health law considered alcoholism a valid illness and approved) I went to therapy then for 5 1/2 months. It was hard because I had problems with the language, daily therapy, confrontations with the other patients in my group, and we did all the work - gardening, cleaning, cooking, etc. It was the best step I did to rid myself of that monster and am glad that I was lucky enough to get away and not drink again for over 25 years.

Occasional drinking is just the start - and when you realize you are drinking each day for some reason or another - it's too late. Once that monster takes over you need help - professional help - especially as a woman. I have known men that have stronger willpower.. but we woman feel the pain a lot deeper - and of course the guilt and responsibility.

The therapy took me way back to my childhood, and I got to know myself lot better and the reasons for needing an 'escape' came out. It was hard as heck but learned a lot about why I was a candidate for slavery to booze - real hard realization - but the only chance for me to survive for the rest of my life.

Honey, I don't judge, I just want to warn you that we are all vulnerable to crutches unless we don't have a reason for them - either physically or mentally - and to let you know that there are people to help you find your special reason for needing any crutches - even if it is for one night, one day, or the rest of your life.

I know that there are people out there who can go on through life 'getting loose' now and then, be able to enjoy a drink at a party... but there are some of us who cannot afford this - we no longer have control and cannot party like the rest. That sounds darned unfair, but that's life. And it takes your choice, your step, to make or break your life, relationship with yourself, friends and family.

Think real hard on the next step you want to take and I for one, wish you the best of luck to you and your future.


In September 2007, I found out I have lung cancer and refuse surgery or chemo because I don't believe it prolongs QUALITY, on quantity -painful too, so you have no idea how much it takes to not think why not drink again, since I'm going to die anyway... but have not touched a drink yet, and I hope I never will.. I want to have time with my grandson - and not be drunk until it's my time to go.

So now there is another monster controlling my life, but we all have our loads to carry, don't we?

I'm wishing you the strength to carry your load, recognize how strong you ca be and regain your self-respect and pride... you're worth it.

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Originally Posted by ijm770

For whats it's worth, i kinda disagree with some of the other posters, I don't think you are an alcoholic, drinking once every 2 weekends doesn't sound like that to me.

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You need to do more research on what it means to be an alcoholic. Its not only the frequency of when one drinks. Even if one drinks once a month, but during that once, gets totally drunk, that is a sign of being an alcoholic.

Sorry but I never would, once that trust is gone its gone forever.
Anyway if you know that drink causes the two of you to get into these situations then don't drink so much! and its pritty stupid to be alone in a room with two guys when your still half wasted!
Well done I say for hitting that bloke, I'd a done worse.
If he don't take you back just learn from your mistake and try not to hurt people again

Couldn't finish my rating:

TrueFaith wrote: "I have no sympathy for you." Sounds like TrueFaith has had a bitter experience themselves. angerhodes, I would not take this coldness to heart. I agree that you never said anything about the things that TrueFaith extrapolates. You are a good person, it is clear from your posts. I wish you the best of luck and hope you and your boyfriend are able to stop drinking (binge drinking is "only every few weeks") and have a good relationship. If not, find someone who doesn't drink! That's what I have done and it works. There's other issues to work on, but at least drinking doesn't cloud everything, and mess everything up. Let us know how you are doing. Best of luck to you! We love you. Yours, Catherine Todd,

But if he truly loved you he would have trusted you enough not to flip out like that. And he would believe you when you tell him that you didn't do anything with anyone. He needs to respect you as his girlfriend. Just because both of you were drunk doesn't give him the right to act the way that he did. I don't think that he was right in the situation at all. I think you deserve someone that is going to respect, and trust you. Because with out trust you have nothing. Good luck to you.

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Originally Posted by mogoverthemoon

sorry but i never would, once that trust is gone its gone forever.
anyway if you know that drink causes the two of you to get into these situations then dont drink so much!, and its pritty stupid to be alone in a room with two guys when your still half wasted!
well done i say for hitting that bloke, i'd a done worse.
if he dont take you back jsut learn from your mistake and try not to hurt people again

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This girl was not "alone in the room with two guys," if I remember correctly there was another girl there as well. In any event, there is nothing wrong for being in a room with other men. Rape is still against the law, no matter where a female is. Saying "well done i say for hitting that bloke, i'd a done worse." would have sent you and him to jail. That is also not good advice. I don't know where you live, but assault is against the law in the United States. This girl didn't "hurt anyone," her drunken boyfriend did. Why are you blaming her? She's already blaming herself, when her boyfriend is the one that went off in a jealous rage.

Sorry, I cannot agree in any way with your response. It is irresponsible for you to say these kinds of things to a young person who is looking for advice. The only thing I agree with is the notion of "quitting drinking" and not hanging around with jealous, violent individuals. That was her only "mistake." Next time, it could be her that he asaults!

Think before you speak. Please!

Comments on this post
catherinetodd disagrees: There is nothing wrong with "sitting with two guys alone in a room." Do you think she lives with the Taliban? The drinking and blind jealousy is the problem, and the boyfriend "did the hurting." She needs a new boyfriend w/ no drinking.

May I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedba...ure-24951.html

ScottGem: If you think giving "advice" as to punching someone else does follow these guidelines, I would suggest that you re-read them yourself. I have no idea what you are talking about. Telling someone that they "would have done worse than punching someone out" is a very negative "opinion" and destructive form of advice, especially to a young person who was lucky that she herself was not assaulted. Do you think that that was OK according to your proposed (and accepted) "guidelines?"

You wrote: "Negative comments should NOT be given when: 1) there is a difference of opinion not of fact..."

It is a FACT that assault is wrong, illegal, and can result in a jail sentence. Wouldn't you agree that stating they "would have done worse" is a "negative opinion?" Do you also believe that she is "factually" in the wrong for being in a room with two men? Is this girl on trial here by writing her problem, asking for advice?

Are you the one who charges 75¢ per minute for your "advice?" Are you asking me to pay you for your response?

TrueFaith, it appears that you did a great job driving angerhodes away. Your response ended with "I have no sympathy for you." That was quite uncalled for, and very unhelpful, as well as later saying I got "owned." You are wrong on both counts.

People come here for help and understanding. If you can't offer help, think about finding somewhere else to go where you can throw "advice" around. As if it was a ticking time bomb. I have never seen anyone respond in the way you have. I am very disappointed that this would occur on these boards. This needs to stop, now. I have no idea if someone else may find that my response "violates their guidelines," but I think that negativity such as this needs to be stopped before others get hurt. We are here to help, not hurt. Those are the FACTS.