Ask Me Help Desk - Abusive father in law

This is a pretty twisted situation so bear with me;

My wife has had a bad relationship with her father since the day she was born, he has beaten her and emotionally/verbally abused her to the point where she was kicked out of the house at age 19 for going to social services (who did nothing).

She was forced to move back upstate in 2003 after losing her job in NYC - I'm still not entirely sure why it was even an option for her but anyway...

I'm a recent arrival on the scene (2005). I didn't tolerate his awful behaviour to her or my 12yr old stepdaughter but right now we're at the point of trying to fight an eviction - he has said he wants us out (including my wife and her "bastard daughter") by April 1st, which is unreasonable given its in the middle of the school year. It was well known we were planning to move to NYC this summer anyway, and he has put an unreasonable burden on us just to be unpleasant.

Her mother allows all of this to happen as she is the non-coping type. She has said she is going to divorce him as soon as we move out but I don't really believe her. She has been trying to get us to move out in the upstate area but I haven't been keen on the idea as it would be a complete waste of money and make life very difficult for us as neither of us have been able to learn to drive, because of his monopolization of the one family car on the weekends.

During my two years here I've been trying to save money so we can move out and get away from this place. I mostly keep to myself but I don't tolerate bullies, and in that short time he has physically attacked me twice, resulting in calls to the police both times.

What I'm asking is;

Is there any time limit past which we could attempt to bring him to justice for the misery he has inflicted on his family, and specifically my wife? He has also abused his other kids and continually verbally beats up on his wife. He is mentally ill but refuses medication and refuses to see healthcare professionals.

We are based in NY state.

I really don't think there is anything you can do.
It is their house. Legally I don't think there is anything you could get him for.
I doubt the mom will divorce him either. If she wanted to divorce him why wouldn't she stick up for you being there and tell him she will divorce him if he makes you leave?
What is going to change when you leave that she would then get up the courage to divorce him?

Basically he is free, -----, and over 21 so
There is nothing that can be done.
His wife might be able to get a Protection From Abuse order
But it doesn't sound like there is a chance in ---- on that.

Is there any chance we could apply for an order of protection to effectively bar him from coming near our family once we move out?

Thanks for your quick reply!

It depends on your states law.
I have seen the system say you have to have bruises to get a PFA
Even then they sometimes don't want to do anything.
Also when you have a PFA you can't have any contact whatsoever.
You can't even relay messages through a third party.
I have seen people that got PFA's and only enforced it at their convenience.
So you have to be careful in that too.

Why do you think he would bother after you move out?
What do you think he is capable of if you are living away from him?

Well, she certainly had bruises but that was quite some time ago now (16yrs).
I had bruises the last time he attacked me and there is a police report on file, even though it was more of a shoving match.

In all honesty he is such an unbelievably horrible person that no contact whatsoever would be no bad thing, and I am somewhat concerned about things like harassing phone calls, visits etc.

Also given his deteriorating mental health I wouldn't put stalking behavior out of the realms of possibility either.

You would have to use new bruises, preferably AFTER you are moved.
You could probably use the past records to establish a history.
I am not sure that past reports would be good enough though because it would raise too many questions. Like why did you put up with it this long? Why didn't you move out before this?
I think it may be best to wait until you move, start fresh and if there are problems go after the PFA then. Trying to do anything now would be hard since you are living with him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by HoppingMad196

Is there any chance we could apply for an order of protection to effectively bar him from coming near our family once we move out?

thanks for your quick reply!

You cannot get a protective Order in anticipation of abuse or bad treatment.

In my opinion you would have a very difficult time pursuing the abuse that occurred some time ago because you (apparently) moved in with this father-in-law whose previous abuse was known to you, your wife left and came back at some point in time, you have allowed your stepdaughter to live under his roof for some period. The Court might even see you as subjecting your stepdaughter to an abusive situation.

Sounds like the father-in-law wants you out of his house - all excuses aside, why don't you just leave? If the mother-in-law choses to stay with him it's her life and her choice. Sounds like she didn't protect your daughter, your wife, from the verbal abuse; it sounds like you didn't protect "your" child (your stepdaughter) from the verbal abuse.

I think the Court might see it that same way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

You cannot get a protective Order in anticipation of abuse or bad treatment.

you would have a very difficult time pursuing the abuse that occurred some time ago because you (apparently) moved in with this father-in-law whose previous abuse was known to you, your wife left and came back at some point in time, you have allowed your stepdaughter to live under his roof for some period of time. The Court might even see you as subjecting your stepdaughter to an abusive situation.
.

Exactly!

That is exactly ONE of the reasons you have to wait until you are moved. Then if he comes around and abuses and harasses then you can do something.

If it were me I would keep a journal and even live recordings of what's going on. Also if there is a rental board or regulations in your area you need to check that to see what your actual rights are. I take it you didn't press charges of assault on him after the police arrive ? You need to leave and that's the bottom line and for now at least get what you can for history. Also as harsh as it sounds you can inform him after you leave that he isn't welcome and if he tries to come by he's guilty of tresspass. If he does appear on your doorstep you have the right to call the police as he has been forewarned. It's a mess but you can survive it and you can stop it.
I guess NY is very different then calif because you can get a TRO for a sneeze in the wrong direction.

Quote:

Originally Posted by califdadof3

If it were me I would keep a journal and even live recordings of whats going on. Also if there is a rental board or regulations in your area you need to check that to see what your actual rights are. I take it you didnt press charges of assault on him after the police arrive ? You need to leave and thats the bottom line and for now atleast get what you can for history. Also as harsh as it sounds you can inform him after you leave that he isnt welcome and if he tries to come by hes guilty of tresspass. If he does appear on your doorstep you have the right to call the police as he has been forewarned. Its a mess but you can survive it and you can stop it.
I guess NY is very different then calif because you can get a TRO for a sneeze in the wrong direction.

In NY you can legally tape if one of the parties is aware of the taping; HOWEVER, I have seen Judges come down hard on people who have tape recorded because the inclination of the person doing the taping is to lead the other person, such as, "So, you admit you abused my wife (or whatever)" and the Court is NOT amused.

I do NOT recommend running around with a tape recorder in your pocket.

(I don't see any basis for the OP obtaining a TRO - he is in his father-in-law's house, his father-in-law has asked him to leave; there is no mention of a separate apartment. If he does get a TRO I don't think the Court is going to order the property owner to leave and allow the "squatter" son in law to stay - again, just my opinion and based on NYS. I would also think the wife - who obviously has complained about her mistreatment - would protect her own child and get her out of this situation, I would think being the magic words.)

In some states you are allowed to record with a camera but no sound. Even taping the visual without the audio can be worth a thousand words.

Your correct Judy. I wasn't thinking of a TRO except on the way out the door. That's the only time you might be able to get one. As far as recording goes your correct about baiting someone.. Im just talking about ambient rants that he may be having like yelling at the wife kids him or his own wife. He was asking about " no further contact " and that's where something like that might come into play. Your much more familiar with what's happening in your State so as far as the law goes what you say takes precedent over my statements. I was just throwing out some ideas that may provide relief if possible.