Ask Me Help Desk - What 2 Do? After 20 Years?

Been married 20 years... Husband doesn't care to have sex... I am 9 years younger than him... He choses to drink everyday before I get home from work... so my choice is to join him or ignore him. We have a 16 yr old son living here. 3 older sons. If I go out with friends, he gets mad and calls me names. If I stay home, I'm alone after 8 p.m. I'm not fat or ugly... people say I'm pretty... get plenty of compliments... BUT I do love my husband... I'm just lonely and want to be intimate... Should I pursue other avenues to get my needs met?? Or just ask him for a divorce?

I see he is setting a good example for his sons. Booze always create problems in the home environment and I guess this is the major reason for his attitude. Doesn't he have a job. I hate booze for that reason because I have been there, and still there, not me, him. Thank god my son has a head on his shoulders, normal, well educated and doesn't drink. I don't either, I get high from just being alive, healthy and free to make choices.

Okay.

Get him away from the bottle and things will improve immensely. If your family unit is normally open to discussion then I would suggest getting him to sit down to a family conference, get down and dirty and tell him exactly what you think and what he should do and mainly WHAT YOU WANT. Either that or get a vibrator, that is if you don't want to go to the extreme and leave him.

I am sorry you are in this position and I know for sure how you feel and its hard to deal with. Get rid of the booze and get him help.

I suggest you consider counseling. It is very important. This is the avenue you should take. Never try other avenues to get your needs met. Try the counseling first. Get this situation under control. There are addictions and other issues here that need to be worked out. Have you ever communicated, truly about your emotional and physical needs to your husband. As far as going out with your friends, you have that right without the abuse from your husband.

Yes, your husband needs help with the booze but you need help in how to handle and approach this situation. 20 years is a long marriage and you need to do everything to try to change the situation your in.

If later on your husband refused help for booze or any counseling and you have started the process of approaching this situation differently. Then eventually it might have to come down to a break. It is too early to say that now though.

Also would like to comment about your writing that it is either join him or not. That is just enabling his behaviour, and your not doing yourself any favours because in a sense your telling him his behaviour is okay.

Start into counseling and tell him about it. Invite him to participate; if he refuses, I think you have your answer going forward. I feel no compulsion for anyone to remain in the shell of a marriage/relationship.

Leave the fat drunk at home, and pursue things that you enjoy, and make you happy. Its really hard to say stay within the bounds of marriage, when he doesn't feel the need to give you what you need, so a creative way to light a fire under his a$$ would be one way to cope. Completely ignore him, until he is ready to talk is one way. Letting him fend for himself is another. I think you really need to convey your dissatisfaction, and if he doesn't at least want to talk it out... Take a long vacation, and give him his 30 day notice. Hard to have a healthy, caring relationship, without help from your partner.

Lets face facts, you are married to an alcoholic and things will never change until he decides to make a change. Your choices as I see it are, 1, stay and take it, 2, join a support group like ALANON and learn to live with it, or 3, GET AWAY FROM THIS JERK. Guess you can tell what my suggestion is. I was raised by an alcoholic mother who was bitter and vindictive. No love in my family. My siblings are 7 and 11 years older, so I had no support from them. In fact my brother has turned out just like Mom and refuses to see that. Children of drunks are more likely to be drunks themselves, so if you stay in this situation, remember that your 16 year old is very likely to turn out just like daddy. Do you want that, or would you prefer to get him away from this problem and give him a chance at a decent life. I am totally against divorce, however in the instances of physical abuse or substance abuse I say get out as fast as you can.

Quote:

Originally Posted by l12

Been married 20 years..........Husband doesn't care to have sex.....I am 9 years younger than him....He choses to drink everyday before I get home from work..........so my choice is to join him or ignore him. We have a 16 yr old son living here. 3 older sons. If I go out with friends, he gets mad and calls me names. If I stay home, I'm alone after 8 p.m. I'm not fat or ugly.....people say I'm pretty.........get plenty of compliments.........BUT I do love my husband............I'm just lonely and want to be intimate.............Should I pursue other avenues to get my needs met???? or just ask him for a divorce?

You're in a tough spot. If you married in Church, you promised God that you would stay with your husband through bad times and good.

Your husband doesn't want to have sex? Is that why you married your husband, for the sex? Or did you marry him because you love him? Would simply sitting with your husband and enjoying a conversation an option?

On the other hand, sex is wonderful therapy for marriage. It is a physical renewal of your wedding vows. Perhaps you might want to study why some men lose the sex drive. Is your husband diabetic?

One of the best solutions to restoring a marriage is to study the reason for marriage in God's plan. I suggest a book entitled "The Good News of Sex and Marriage" by Christopher West:

Good News About Sex and Marriage, Books and Bibles, Catholic Marriage, Sacraments at The Catholic Company

You might want to read more about Christopher West here:
TheologyOfTheBody.net - The Meeting of Eros and Agape in Benedict XVI's First Encyclical

Sincerely,

De Maria

Quote:

so my choice is to join him or ignore him.

Ignore him. Drinking has never solved marital problems. Your only enabling his actions.

So he chooses to drink... he chooses to do whatever yet when you choose than it becomes a problem for him.. Sounds to me that he lives in his own bubble and just wants to make sure that you around where he wants you to be and wants you on his term..
That's not a relationship but dictatorship..
My husband made many choices by himself and I always managed to stand by him yet there is a point in a caregivers life (as being mom) that once the kids are grown up and go their own way we look around and see that while we are taking care of everybody around us and do what everybody around us expects as to do we forget that we are also important..
Your men sounds self absorbed or maybe even depressed (middle age syndrome? ) so maybe the first start would be to demand counseling and talking him about your disappointment and give him your expectations! Then take it from there!

Please don't pursue other avenues to get your needs met... this will only create a whole new set of problems and you already have enough to deal with. I know it is easier said then done but the consequences are ENORMOUS and can manifest in ways you never thought. Hang in there !