Hi, I have a daughter who is almost 7 years old and her biological dad has been absent pretty much her whole life. We split up when I was 4 months pregnant and he joined the army. My husband has been apart of our life since I was pregnant, so my daughter grew up knowing him as her father. Her biological dad, who I refer to as her sperm donor has seen her a whole 3 times, has pretty much paid no child support. Now 7 years down the road he wants to be apart of her life yet again, I hear the same story about once a year and then hear nothing from him for another year, well this time he is actually staying in touch but I am still skeptical of letting him be involved for many reasons. My husband is her daddy, dna wise or not, he is her daddy but I am just wondering what you readers think would be an appropriate age to tell my daughter about her biological dad. I don't think she is old enough right now to understand it but if I agree to let him be in her life is it OK until I feel she is ready to know about him that I introduce him as a friend. I just want to do right by my daughter and looking for advice from anyone who has been in situation or anyone willing to offer advice. I have asked him to give up his rights but he refuses and I personally think he is being really selfish coming into her life 7 years later. Thanks for any advice.

I wouldn't call him selfish. You don't refer to how old he is, it may just be a matter of maturing and realizing what it means to parent a child. While I understand your viewpoint, he does have rights and your daughter also has a right to know that side of her heritage.

I would explain to your daughter that she is blessed with two fathers. I would further explain that her bio dad needed some extra time to grow up and be a father. You aren't sure whether he has done that yet and he might wind up disappointing her, but its his problem not her.

Of course you could petition for child support or try to collect back support and that may convince hi to allow your husband to adopt. But I would really give him a chance.

I think kids should know from infancy whether their parent is biological.

So... NOW is a good time to tell her.

Explain the difference between a daddy and biological parentage, in simple terms.

Selfish or not--unless you've had his parental rights severed, he is STILL her father. If you want to not have him in her life, sue for child support, including back support. Then, offer to drop it all if he'll sign away his parental rights so that your husband can adopt.

If he's serious about staying in your daughter's life, he'll cough up at least part of the money, and get serious about court ordered visitation.

If he's NOT that serious, then he'll sign the papers.

I suggest you get a lawyer to walk you through the legal morass in your state.

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Originally Posted by luczynski4583

Hi, I have a daughter who is almost 7 years old and her biological dad has been absent pretty much her whole life. We split up when I was 4 months pregnant and he joined the army. My husband has been apart of our life since I was pregnant, so my daughter grew up knowing him as her father. Her biological dad, who i refer to as her sperm donor has seen her a whole 3 times, has pretty much paid no child support. Now 7 years down the road he wants to be apart of her life yet again, I hear the same story about once a year and then hear nothing from him for another year, well this time he is actually staying in touch but I am still skeptical of letting him be involved for many reasons. My husband is her daddy, dna wise or not, he is her daddy but I am just wondering what you readers think would be an appropriate age to tell my daughter about her biological dad. I don't think she is old enough right now to understand it but if I agree to let him be in her life is it ok until I feel she is ready to know about him that I introduce him as a friend. I just want to do right by my daughter and looking for advice from anyone who has been in situation or anyone willing to offer advice. I have asked him to give up his rights but he refuses and I personally think he is being really selfish coming into her life 7 years later. Thanks for any advice.

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Thanks for the advice. While yes we wore both young parents I didn't get extra time to grow up so why should he be able to receive the extra time and walk back in her life 7 years later, it is selfish he has had plenty of chances plenty and not once was there for his daughter.

He gets that extra time because YOU didn't file for your husband to adopt before this.

He gets that extra time because YOU didn't file for child support. Believe me, the military is GREAT about getting child support payments out.

Just remember that the payoff for having to grow up sooner is that your child loves YOU--she doesn't even KNOW him.

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Originally Posted by luczynski4583

Thanks for the advice. While yes we wore both young parents I didn't get extra time to grow up so why should he be able to recieve the extra time and walk back in her life 7 years later, it is selfish he has had plenty of chances plenty and not once was there for his daughter.

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Now who is being selfish? You're angry and upset because got stuck with raising your child while he went off to the military. And you are entitled to. Be. But your anger is mainfesting itself in the selfishness of depriving your daugther from knowing that side of her family and the father for of knowing his daughter.

My BF has an 8 yr old daughter. He was pretty much absent from her life until she was 7. Part of it was his fault. A LOT of it was the mothers fault. His daughter also grew up with another man acting as "daddy". It's who she calls daddy. And until BF fought to get his rights enforced, she didn't even know he existed.

Now we see her every other weekend. She LOVES my BF. SHe still calls her step dad "daddy" and calls my BF by his first name but she knows he is her bio-father.

SHe is in counseling that has helped A LOT. So if your daughters father is going to be in her life, you should get her in some counseling. And you need to tell her NOW who he REALLY is. IF you start introducing him as a "Friend" she's going to wonder why she has to go spend time with him. And when you finally tell her who he really is, she will just be more confused than she is already. You need to do what is right for her and she has a right to know who her bio-dad is. Get her in counseling to help with her feelings.

And if her dad is going to be coming around and spending time with her, you can't let her know how you REALLY feel about him. You need to encourage her relationship with him. Otherwise she is going to be torn and all of this will be even harder on her.

If he wants to be in her life and you don't let him, all he'll have to do is go to court and unless you can prove he would be a horrible influence on your daughter, the judge WILL allow him visitation. Whether he pays CS or not makes no difference. They are two separate issues.

I'm not saying you're a bad person. I understand the resentment you must feel. But this isn't about you or your ex. It's about your daughter. And bottom line... she has the right to know who her real father is.

One other thing, besides not knowing her real father, she is missing out on all the relatives on his side.

You may think "Well, his parents/siblings/relatives haven't contacted me. They must not care." Which I don't know if that is true or not. But in my BF's situation, because my BF wasn't seeing his daughter, his family didn't feel like they could contact the mother to try see her either. These grandparents missed out on 6 years of their granddaughters life because "mom and dad" couldn't get it together enough for their daughter's sake.

Yes his family, of course, took his side on everything and yes they disliked BF's ex, but that was beside the point. They were basically innocent bystanders that felt they had no choice but to disappear too.

Like I said, I don't know if that's the case with your situation. Maybe his family doesn't care. (I doubt it though) But chances are, they do want to see this child and just don't know how to go about trying to talk to you about it. And no one can ever have too many grandparents around to spoil them! Lol

Good luck with all this. It's going to be rough on all of you for a little while. But it will all get better and you and your husband can have a free weekend once in awhile to go on dates and not have to pay a babysitter!

He, has a right to know his child, (god given and legal) and more importantly she has a right to know him. It really is just that simple.
It is not your decision to make.

I know this is an old post but I don't understand why everybody beats this "rights" drum. Yes he has rights because we give him rights but is it really "right" for someone who didn't feed, house, care for and basically abandoned the child to come in and disrupt everything that the other parent put together as a life? (note I don't say 'father' or 'mother' as I feel this applies to any parent who blows off a life) "The child is doing great now that she is counselling"! Hellllloooo? There's a clue. Too confusing and the child needs counselling. They have no say. It just makes me sick. WE make me sick. I do believe certain children fair better than others in these situations but some are forever destroyed and all because "we had the right"... Pathetic.
Matt3046 - Does he really have the right to know his child? If left to him, it wouldn't even be alive as HE LEFT! Why doesn't anybody mention this?

Thread closed.