I have been married to my husband for 10 years now, and we met in high school and we have 3 kids together. My husband is a cocaine addict who has been sober off and on for the last 10 years. He is a loving and caring person, and I love him dearly but I am tired of the drama his choices have caused in my life. I recently decided to calll another friend from high school whom I haven't spoke to in 10 years. He has expressed feelings for me, after talking for just a few weeks, and I also have started to have feelings for him. He has not been married, but has custody of his little girl, and he has turned into the man and father I had always hoped my husband would become. I am confused of whether I should try fix my marriage again, for the umpteenth time or if I should divorce my husband and see this other man. I am scared of divorce because I do not have a job (I am a house wife) and I don't like the idea of joint custody with my husband who I wouldn't be able to tell if he was using or not. I have spoke to a dear friend of mine who also knows everything and everyone involved and he tells me that I am looking for greener grass.

Hi there, I certainly understand your situation. We have been through a lot with drugs in our marriage, but holding onto Christ is the best answer. Does your husband go to church? Do you? When you got married you said "for better or for worse", keep working on your marriage. This other guy looks good from the outisde but you never know what he will turn into when you are in the same house, plus you have not spoken to him in 10 years and he has an illegimate child. If he can't commit to the woman he got pregnant, how can he commit to you?

God Bless,

Been there

Your husband is a cocaine addict and he has been able to take care of you and three children for ten years? I guess your husband is not that bad. Maybe a lot better than the other guy. Any person trying to mess around with someone's wife/husband is a VERY BAD PERSON to me.

Unless your husband is abusive, please try your best to work things out since you love him dearly.

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Originally Posted by jalfaro37

Hi there, I certainly understand your situation. We have been through a lot with drugs in our marriage, but holding onto Christ is the best answer. Does your husband go to church? Do you? When you got married you said "for better or for worse", keep working on your marriage. This other guy looks good from the outisde but you never know what he will turn into when you are in the same house, plus you have not spoken to him in 10 years and he has an illegimate child. If he can't commit to the woman he got pregnant, how can he commit to you??

God Bless,

Been there

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I do believe in Christ, and I do believe that he can change anything.. it was after many many many prayers, with thoughts of me leaving my husband, because I haven't had the fight in me with this for a while now. I've prayed for more strength.. for a sign of what I need to do, for a sign of where he wants me right now, and after this I had a dream of this other man. I called this other guy first, I know his family well since we dated in high school off and on when I wasn't dating my husband. They are also believers, and are good honest people. This other guy didn't just sleep with someone and then take off on his daughter, he was dating a girl who he found out was cheating on him, when he confronted this girl and decided to leave her, she told him she was 3 months pregnant in hopes he'd stay, but when he decided that it wouldn't work and he couldn't forgive her, he left her, but never once his child. It took him 7 years to win full custody and he loves his little girl very much. He doesn't have a commitment problem, but a bad judgement of people. As for my husband, he has worked hard for the past 10 years to care for me & my kids, but we've moved over 10 times in the last 10 years, (usually some type of eviction), We owe his family more money than we could ever repay, and at this time are living with my parents. He has been abusive, and not only does coke but what ever drugs he can get his hands on, and he's high or drunk probably 3 days a week. He's always lying about where he's been, and has what I believe is at least 3 affairs, but I only am positive on 1. It scares me as I want my oldest son who's 9 to have a good role model in a father, not one that he can't look up to. I try my best in teaching him to show him that he should follow more in Christs word, but I feel that that's easier to teach when you have a good role model in front of you. Thank you for your advice.. but I'm still just as confused as ever. :confused:

Wow, I hope God helps you! We all have our crosses to bear but I can only hope that your husband can change. Is it possible for you to have a separation? Do you have family that will support you on your own if you did go through a separation? If your husband does not seek Christ, he will never overcome anything. With regard to this other man, right now you need to take care of yourself and your children, especially your eldest son. I don't think going to be with another man will help him. Boys are very protective of their mothers and if they see her with another man it may not be the best situation for him. Also, I'm sure you have issues to overcome with all that has been going on, it wouldn't be fair to this other man to bring those issues with you. This is a lot to handle and all I can say other than I already have is not to give up on God! God be with you!!

Never leave a person for someone else. You leave because you are UNHAPPY. Don't wait for a safety net to come along.

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Originally Posted by jalfaro37

Wow, I hope God helps you! We all have our crosses to bear but I can only hope that your husband can change. Is it possible for you to have a separation? Do you have family that will support you on your own if you did go through a separation? If your husband does not seek Christ, he will never overcome anything. With regard to this other man, right now you need to take care of yourself and your children, especially your eldest son. I don't think going to be with another man will help him. Boys are very protective of their mothers and if they see her with another man it may not be the best situation for him. Also, I'm sure you have issues to overcome with all that has been going on, it wouldn't be fair to this other man to bring those issues with you. This is a lot to handle and all I can say other than I already have is not to give up on God! God be with you!!!!

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A separation probably wouldn't really work out, we have been separated for a few months 2 times in the past, and while I start to think things change, the usually go right back to what the were before too long. ANd while in my dreams I would just have a happy little family right now with this other guy, I know that is impossible. My thoughts now are just getting out on my own. I can't afford to to that where I live now, so I'd have to move, so I'd also have to wait for the summer so that my kids can finish school. And I honestly see it being a year after the divorce before I'd introduce anyone to my kids.. I was raised in a house hold where my mom went from one man to another, then another, I understand the confusion and tension all too well, and never would do that to my kids. And I know that while this other guy would take me now, I have told him, that there is no way I would do that to him and his little girl.

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Originally Posted by jessfabulous

I have been married to my husband for 10 years now, and we met in highschool and we have 3 kids together. My husband is a cocaine addict who has been sober off and on for the last 10 years. He is a loving and caring person, and I love him dearly but I am tired of the drama his choices have caused in my life. I recently decided to calll another friend from highschool whom i haven't spoke to in 10 years. He has expressed feelings for me, after talking for just a few weeks, and I also have started to have feelings for him. He has not been married, but has custody of his little girl, and he has turned into the man and father I had always hoped my husband would become. I am confused of whether I should try fix my marriage again, for the umpteenth time or if I should divorce my husband and see this other man. I am scared of divorce because i do not have a job (I am a house wife) and I don't like the idea of joint custody with my husband who I wouldn't be able to tell if he was using or not. I have spoke to a dear friend of mine who also knows everything and everyone involved and he tells me that I am looking for greener grass.

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I was in a similar situation after our son was born. At 30 having my one and only child my husband 4 years older was not coming home at night to me or his only child. It started to get scary, being in the restaurnat business I did not know if my baby was safe or not while I was at work. We had trouble paying our mortgage and bill subsequently from my husbands usage of cocaine. I had to gat my job when the baby was only 6 weeks old and I was basically the bread winner taking care of the responsibilities as my husband partied all the time. People started coming to out house looking for him, looking for $$... it was scary and not worth it. I gave him many chances to get help. I had to leave and that was scary too, my attorney sent me out of state to serve him papers it was that bed. Yo and your children are at risk, you are the only parent to protect them at this point, you have to think about yourself and them. Do not enable your husband which is what you are doing, do not feel guilty, he did this to himself. My husband lost everything just like the commercial and he didn't even fight to get it back... if your husband respects, values and loves you and the children he will fight for you. Leave him and pray for him. Find your own strength, God will not give you anymore than you can handle and he would not want you in this abusive relationship. Your children learn what they live, wouldn't you want to do this so they know the difference between right and wrong, legal and illegal... YOU are their only hope. Good luck and you will be OK... I have now been through this for the second time. Please don't be like me, learn the first time and pray for a better choice next time, it will happen. Filter and listen to your inner self. Much love!

Sorry for your situation.

When the grass is dead, having been napalmed by the deeds of the other spouse, its not unreasonable to look elsewhere... and you need to understand I believe in doing the hard work it takes to make a marriage last. I don't say cut and run on a whim.

Maybe its time to cut and run.

My only concern is after a relationship like this I think it can be dangerous to jump into another relationship right away... though I've seen it work, even in my own family with an aunt who left an abusive relationship and immediately connected with her boss, later her lover and husband, now of many years.

So.. I believe in vows, and I believe there are times when your partner has left the marriage through actions, long before you do legally.

My only concern is that you are leaving for another person, when you perhaps aren't thinking as a person who can stand on her own and make strong decisions without the desire for real compansionship clouding your thoughts.

I'm sorry you are going through all this! I think that you have to decide what is best for you and your kids. Maybe give your husband one last shot at going to rehab, staying sober, and going to marriage counseling with you. If you already feel that he won't do that, or if he has done that many times before and you know he won't change, then you have to do what is right for you and the kids. Sometimes that means staying and trying to work on the relationship, and sometimes it means leaving for your mental health and that of the kids. So you have to look at the pros and cons of it. I think one thing that might help would be for you to talk to a counselor by yourself. It can help you to figure out what is best for you and also relieves a lot of stress that I'm sure this situation is causing you.

If you decide to leave your husband, then don't get into a new relationship right away. Take some time and be single, heal emotionally, and when you are ready, you will know it. Don't leave the marriage to be with this guy. If you decide to leave the marriage, do it for you and the kids, and then after time has gone by and things have settled down, if you and this guy want to date, then you can. But try to avoid the "rebound" relationships. It's possible that you feel like you want this guy so much just because he is stable and a good father. Sounds like that's what your friend meant by the "greener grass" thing.

Have you considered talking with your husband about going into rehab and you going out to get a job while he's gone. I mean, it's worth it if he can clean up. I think you should always try to save the marriage. You didn't marry this man and NOT love him. Things can be worked out, but you both must be willing to make sacrifices. Also, even if you do leave you husband, you shouldn't jump right into another relationship. Especially since you haven't seen this person in 10 years. That will just complicate things further.

Don't you think you have given your marriage enough chances? hasn't your husband proved that he isn't willing to give up his cocaine and booze and cheating for the love and commitment to his family.
How many times do you need to be knocked down before you can stand up and be a strong independent woman in control of her and her children's lives? What must this be doing to your kids? (I am not blaming you for this) to see their dad drugged up or drunk or both. What is this saying to them, that this type of behavior is OK?

I think you are relying on this other man's friendship as a kind of crutch, if he gives you strength and confidence in yourself and to look for future happiness, then that might be a good thing, that's fine but don't leave your marriage because of him, don't let his presence in your life be an excuse for you to leave. You leave your marriage because it is no longer working for you and your children.

Be happy!

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I would say you either need to leave for yourself and kids (not another man) or do an intervention. You can have him placed in rehab. Once he is there he will either open his eyes or he won't. What ever you do, make sure you do it with love and keep praying.
Mike