Hello,

I'm confused. Sex is never been an issue to me during my past relationship until I met my boyfriend and now we're 1 year and 3 months. From the start sex is always the reason of our argument. I'm kind of reserved and not too dirty when it comes to sex and he wants aggressive, dirty, hot sex. I never experienced the following before.. lick a guy's balls, come into my mouth or face, lick a back door,giving him head while he's watching porn or smoking. All this stuff I been experienced only with him because that's what he wants and due to I want to pleasure him I did it even I'm not comfortable with it. Sometimes he can't pleasure me because of the position that he wants. We have a lot of arguments when it comes to sexual relationship. Before when I give my guy (ex) a head it turns me on but now with him it makes me bored and not even turn on. Maybe because --He wants the window is always open and I don't (Our shift is at night so when we get home its already morning). He smokes most of the time when I give him head, he takes forever to come that makes me bored and tired, he wants to watch porn and video us sometimes. I want a cozy and romantic set up during sex because I'm more passionate and it turns me on when we have foreplay first but he wants 'sex' and not too much foreplay. He doesn't even think that I'm not yet turn on and he will just put his inside me by using his spit to make it slippery. He gives me spanking, pull my hair, talks dirty, calling me his who*re,slut,etc. He is really weird and admitted that he was a sex and porn addict. He watch porn all the time after work play his self and sometimes insist to lick his balls or his back door. He is not the passionate type of guy that expresses his feelings. I don't even know if he really loves me because I haven't head the word ILOVEYOU from him. I believe he mention that but we were in the influence of alcohol so I don't believe him. Although he was so caring and sweet and wants to spend most of his time with me. I still don't understand why he's not passionate during sex. Because of this issue that we have I'm encountering a low sex desire. By touching makes me think--oh gosh sex/ head again that will take forever for him to come. I don't know maybe I have hidden resentments. That really kills my sex drive. We discuss it before to find out what would be the best way to avoid the misunderstanding. He just can't get rid of his porn movie and I think he's trying to make me a porn star by doing the same thing in the movie. He just want me to be hungry pleasuring him. Also he's using weed but not a lot, does it effect his sex drive? What is the best thing I need to do to solve this problem. I want to have a enjoyable sex with him. I hate that I don't desire him :(

I've got a lot to say here... but you are being deprived, on many, many levels, of a connection that should be so much better than this.

And I'm really worried about how this is going to, and already has, jaded you physically and mentally about sex.

Ill post more in a bit... but this is not OK on so many levels. Much of it his fault, some of it you are putting up with.

Will post again soon once I get through all you've had to say.

Stepping through your post, section by section...

What is "dirty" is difficult to tell you, because outside of illegal and highly immoral sexual acts, there is a big range of what different people, and society, deem as acceptable. Some see oral sex as disgusting. I think its one of the best ways to get a woman off, and great for the man. Some view porn as acceptable, while others see it as a direct violation of the relationship.

Some of what he likes, I like. Some of what he likes, I don't. Usually we progress through different stages of experimentation sexually... sometimes we try things we aren't sure about, but we do it because we're curious and we want to please our partner. Fine.

Positions can be tough for the woman... the guy just has more choices, and I don't think its wrong now and then to ask (not demand) for a position you might want that your partner may not get off in... but you'd better believe I'm going to reciprocate the favor to her, and take care of her.. if not then, next time. You don't need to keep a chalkboard up in the bedroom to keep tabs, but I'm in favor of quid pro quo... there needs to be a balance. Sometimes I get my partner off just so she can start the day with an extra bounce in her step, sometimes she gets me off when I step out of the shower. But a lover who consistently isn't interested in pleasing you, isn't a lover. By the way, self stim while he has you in a position you don't favor can often help, but you might not be comfortable with that, and he's so not preparing you mentally that it might not work at all.

I think he is largely desensitized toward sex... he smokes during, needs porn, takes forever, and is completely ignoring you... he's missing the emotional, sensual connection to you... and you are just the vehicle he's using to get from a to b. how sexy is that?

Foreplay isn't just about you mentally being charged... it honestly physically prepares you as well for sex. Blood flow gets directed toward your genitals, skin becomes more sensitive, the vagina becomes more naturally lubricated, etc!!

With proper foreplay your vagina changes shape, readying itself to receive the man, your cl!toris emerges from the cl!toral hood... there so much going on here that you are not getting if he just "spits and sticks"...

(can you tell I'm pi$$ed off at this clueless, inconsiderate jerk?)

Casual spanking that doesn't hurt you isn't bad outright, but you don't like it. It can actually send a "shock wave" through the hips... one that hell feel (not to mention it probably satisfies his controlling need) and you might even enjoy in the right setting...

Ungh.

I could go on and on.

The best way to have sex is when he can get into your head before he gets into your pants.

Its about sensual connection before sexual... at least if you are ever, ever going to enjoy it... and I'm worried he is too set in his ways, too programmed, to step back and take care of you. I hope I'm wrong... I hope if you ask for what you need you'd get it, but you haven't. You are fighting about it.

I'm not going to tell you this cannot be fixed. People can undergo remarkable changes when they want to change. But he has to want to change, and I don't see that happening... you two are so far apart, in such different places.

And I hate that this is something you are suffering through. We all do dumb things along the way. We all make mistakes. If I've learned anything about sex its because I usually made some dumb decisions along the way... and it took a strong woman to demand what she needed. I listened and learned. I educated myself. I communicated openly. Then listened again, and again...

Sure seems like he is all about demanding and nothing in return.

A "good guy" who treats you like this, probably isn't such a good guy. And the hard part is... if you choose to stay with someone who treats you like this, you need to accept this is the reality. You don't stay or marry them thinking you can change them... though most relationships do need both people to change.

Please post if you have comments.

I get a very negative vibe from you post... like your "boyfriend" sees himself as a pimp breaking in a new whore. Very sad.

If you stay with him any longer, you may get permanently warped by his callous treatment.

There is no reason for you to remain in this relationship another day, even if you need him for any kind of financial reasons.

Best wishes in 2008,

Addictions shield us from feelings, feelings we want to avoid. Porn and pot, getting a blow job, all addictions, for this guy at least. You are an addiction too. He is using you just as surely as he is using his lighter. Don't be his ashtray. If he will not treat you like a person, a partner and a woman, his pursuits will take him far, far from what he doesn't wish to feel. But, that is not somewhere you are comfortable taking him.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kp2171

stepping through your post, section by section...

what is "dirty" is difficult to tell you, because outside of illegal and highly immoral sexual acts, there is a big range of what different people, and society, deem as acceptable. some see oral sex as disgusting. i think its one of the best ways to get a woman off, and great for the man. some view porn as acceptable, while others see it as a direct violation of the relationship.

some of what he likes, i like. some of what he likes, i dont. usually we progress through different stages of experimentation sexually... sometimes we try things we arent sure about, but we do it because we're curious and we want to please our partner. fine.

positions can be tough for the woman... the guy just has more choices, and i dont think its wrong now and then to ask (not demand) for a position you might want that your partner may not get off in... but youd better believe im going to reciprocate the favor to her, and take care of her.. if not then, next time. you dont need to keep a chalkboard up in the bedroom to keep tabs, but im in favor of quid pro quo... there needs to be a balance. sometimes i get my partner off just so she can start the day with an extra bounce in her step, sometimes she gets me off when i step out of the shower. but a lover who consistently isnt interested in pleasing you, isnt a lover. btw, self stim while he has you in a position you dont favor can often help, but you might not be comfortable with that, and hes so not preparing you mentally that it might not work at all.

i think he is largely desensitized toward sex... he smokes during, needs porn, takes forever, and is completely ignoring you... hes missing the emotional, sensual connection to you... and you are just the vehicle hes using to get from a to b. how sexy is that?

foreplay isnt just about you mentally being charged... it honestly physically prepares you as well for sex. blood flow gets directed toward your genitals, skin becomes more sensitive, the vagina becomes more naturally lubricated, etc!!!

with proper foreplay your vagina changes shape, readying itself to receive the man, your cl!toris emerges from the cl!toral hood... there so much going on here that you are not getting if he just "spits and sticks"...

(can you tell im pi$$ed off at this clueless, inconsiderate jerk?)

casual spanking that doesnt hurt you isnt bad outright, but you dont like it. it can actually send a "shock wave" through the hips... one that hell feel (not to mention it probably satisfies his controlling need) and you might even enjoy in the right setting....

ungh.

i could go on and on.

the best way to have sex is when he can get into your head before he gets into your pants.

its about sensual connection before sexual... at least if you are ever, ever going to enjoy it... and im worried he is too set in his ways, too programmed, to step back and take care of you. i hope im wrong... i hope if you ask for what you need youd get it, but you havent. you are fighting about it.

im not going to tell you this cannot be fixed. people can undergo remarkable changes when they want to change. but he has to want to change, and i dont see that happening... you two are so far apart, in such different places.

and i hate that this is something you are suffering through. we all do dumb things along the way. we all make mistakes. if ive learned anything about sex its because i usually made some dumb decisions along the way... and it took a strong woman to demand what she needed. i listened and learned. i educated myself. i communicated openly. then listened again, and again...

sure seems like he is all about demanding and nothing in return.

a "good guy" who treats you like this, probably isnt such a good guy. and the hard part is... if you choose to stay with someone who treats you like this, you need to accept this is the reality. you dont stay or marry them thinking you can change them... though most relationships do need both people to change.

please post if you have comments.

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Thank you for the very helpful response. Its been a while since I last check this forum. You know what because of that attitude he showed me in bed makes me feel distant from him. I don't want to be like this but for some reason I don't feel any desire from him anymore. He is so weird in bed he doesn't even care if Its pleasureable or not. Most of the time that I feel want to have sex with him it feels good at the start but on a later part he turns into a guy into a porn treating a woman a slut and dirty. This scenario turns me off instead wanting more sex. I don't know what else to do. I want to enjoy it but the way he treat me pushes me away to enjoy it.

Well... its time for "quid pro quo"... something for something.

Tell him what you want in bed. What you need. Spell it out like he is a 2nd grader needing to know where the bathroom is. OK... dumb scenario, but maybe you get my point.

I like a few positions my partner doesn't favor. She can get off in them maybe 1/3 of the time, and its probably less than that... but she knows its money for me. Why will she take that position sometimes without my asking? Because when she wakes me up at 4am to go down on her, I don't complain or hesitate. She's gets hers. I get mine. Sometimes we get it together. Sometimes not. Overall there is balance and middle ground.

So... best case I see is that you give him some stim he likes, but he also is willing to do your bidding. If a foot massage that turns into a full body massage and then turns into getting you off in whatever method you choose is something he is willing to do... then maybe it can work out.

But I'm guessing he isn't going to be that giving or interested.

All you can do is give a person the chance to do the right thing, having given them the knowledge they need to know they have work to do.

Step up and demand what you want. Be willing to give a little to get a little... but at this point, you should be first in line for the "getting".

You need to want to enjoy... if you are doing things you are not comfortable with then you need to stop. If he truly loves you then he will understand and work with you. If he doesn't love you or respect you... then I guess I would find someone who does.
Mike