Hi Ladies & Gentlemen

Well I am approaching Day 13 NC. I have been doing a lot of self work in the mean time. They say "time is a great healer." But I would like to say that should be changed to " what you do with your time, is what will enable healing"

If you look through some of my early posts you will get to see my story. Me and my Ex have been broken up 4 months and I have only just gone true NC.

The last 4 months have been the hardest I have ever gone through. I have gone through child abuse, rape e.t.c but these last 4 months have really tested my inner strength. I felt that this man was really eating away at my inner core and one day I just couldnt take no more. I was physically and emotionally drained. Have you ever felt like you have given and given and given and there is nothing more to give but its still not enough? But the person your giving too is still not happy and is still taking from you? This is how it got with my ex. Our relationship was not equal. More like 80/20 . The larger portion being what I gave to him..

I have been reading a lot lately. I have been working on re-establishing my self respect. As a lot of my self worth has been completely trampled on to the point I thought I was garbage and hated myself. However, one day I woke up and I said to myself isnt the person who truly loves us meant to bring out the best in us. Even if they couldnt be with us, arent they meant to care about our wellbeing?

I am reading a book on " How to Break Your Addiction to a person " and I just thought I would share with you some of the things I have read. There are several signs of addiction that you can look for in yourself.

1) Even though your objective judgement ( and perhaps the judgement of others) tells you that the relationship is bad for you and you cannot expect any improvement, you take no effective steps to break with it.

2) You give yourself reasons for staying in it that do not hold water or that are not really strong enough to balance the negatives in the relationship.

3) When you think about ending the relationship, you feel dread, even terror, and you cling to it even harder.

4) When you take the steps to end it, you suffer acute withdrawal symptoms, including physical distress, that can only be relieved by restablishing contact...

I think we can all identify with this one


5) When the relationshipis really over - or you fantasize that it has ended, you feel the lostness, aloneness and the emptiness of a person eternally exiled - often follwed or even accompanied by a feeling of liberation..

If most of these sgns are there, you can be quite certain that you are in or was in a relationship where the addictive elements have become so large and so controlling that they destroy your capacity to direct your own life.

There is probably an addictive element in every love relationship, and that, in itself need not be bad. It can, in fact, add strength and delight to the relationship. After all, who is so complete, so self-contained, so "healthy" and " mature" that he doesnt need to feel good about himself through a close tie with anopther person? In fact, one sign of a good relationship is that it puts us in touch with the best in ourselves..

I identify with this in the sense that my ex did not bring out the best in me. I was frequently drained, tired and felt depleted in our relationship. Maybe it was the constant giving all the time! I read a lot of threads about people who are hanging on to their ex's even though they are romantically involved with someone else and I really think that would have happened to me if I didnt believe in myself to just go NC and deal with the pain..

So like the title of this thread...

Was you in an addictive relationship?

When did you realise your ex wasnt right for you?

&

Why werent they right for you?

What do you look for in a new partner?

I've been comparing my relationship to a drug addiction for a while. At first it was so good that I literally walked around with a smile on my face all the time and thought I'd reach my 'ideal' balance for that period of my life. When I started to hit a few bumps in the relationship a few months later, I freaked and realized that my feelings and fantasies for the guy had completely taken a hold of me. It affected my mood, my friendships, my job, self-esteem and overall sanity when I stopped getting all that wonderful attention he once gave me. I've literally held on to him while being dragged through the mud letting go of almost everything in my life along the way. All I really needed to do was let go, stand up, clean off, nurse my wounds (within reason, I'm not one for a pity party) and start over.

I've seen many people addicted to drugs and the awful affects they have on their lives. All the advice in the world isn't going to make them stop doing the damage to themselves unless they've had enough and have to stop. You can apply the same rules to bad relationships, everyone has a breaking point.