Ask Me Help Desk - Is my son MY SON?

Hello, I have a son from a previous relationship.. I mean he's not biologically mine but I REALLY LOVE THIS KID. When I met her he was 8 months old and his father doesn't care about being a part of his life so she always told me he will always be mine. Now he's 6 years old and just supporting his every need is no seeming permanent enough. There is only 1 signature on his birth certificate and it's his mother's... Can I just sign his birth certificate or do I have to legally adopt him? Please HELP:confused:

Are you saying that you are the step-father of a child who was born to your mate, and the child's biological father is no longer in the picture (abandonment)? Just getting clarification. Are you married to the mother? What state are you in?

I would contact a lawyer who handles adoptions... you can find books as well (go to your local public library)... but personally, in a case like this, money spent on good legal counsel is money well spent... not to mention good legal counsel is useful for planning a will/living trust... something I think every parent should have.

Fyi. I'm the step father of a girl, now a young woman. Didn't adopt, since I came into the picture late and circumstances just didn't "require" it... we have a loving, wonderful relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nalege_is_power

Hello, I have a son from a previous relationship..I mean he's not biologically mine but I REALLY LOVE THIS KID. When I met her he was 8 months old and his father doesnt care about being a part of his life so she always told me he will always be mine. Now he's 6 years old and just supporting his every need is no seeming permanent enough. There is only 1 signature on his birth certificate and it's his mother's...Can I just sign his birth certificate or do i have to legally adopt him?? Please HELP:confused:

You are the only father that this boy has ever known, or maybe will ever know. But, legally he is not your son. If the biological father knows about him and claims no commitment to him legally, emotionally or physically- than it would be appropriate for you to adopt him.
Just remember, you are a real family. It doesn't take sperm to be a Dad. It takes love and commitment. Yet, one day he may wish to know about his biological father and his biological heritage and medical information. Basically, what runs through his veins. More and more evidence shows us that our genes make our choices in life along with medical conditions in the future. Knowing what is genetically given to you, helps you or your child understand himself far better. It provides prevention from disease for one example. It is likely that your son too will be a father one day. And he may wish to know what about his DNA. And then again, maybe not. It is a personal choice. It is a personal endeavor. And it is my hope that you love your son enough to understand these possible feeling's of need in biological understanding. It is as well my hope that his biological father/family/half siblings will understand and enable him to know these facts one day. And put aside any resentments and or secrets for his need to know.
As you had stated, "I really love this kid." Adopt him. Show him legally that you really did love all of him and made him your own, even on a piece of paper. It is worth the endeavor. And he will probably thank you and love you more for it- one day.

kp2171... No me and his mother aren't married we aren't even together but I still take care of him... New Jersey is the state

It would be up to her and his biological father to enable you to legally adopt him. Please call the Department of Social Services in your area and see if they can provide answers to you related to legally adopting him. Or speak with an adoption attorney.

If you're not together with the mother---that's going to be difficult.

Get a lawyer. There may be ways to legally adopt, but it's actually going to be somewhat difficult, since you're not married.

But not impossible with her consent.

You say you take care of him are you saying you have custody? Was this ever formalized? Were you ever awarded guardianship by the mother or a court?

Frankly, you are on very thin ice here. You're right, having supported him for 5+ years doesn't make him yours. I will be considered, but the mother or the bio father could come and take him at any time. You have almost no legal standing. I would consult an attorney on how to become his legal guardian or legal father.

I wouldn't push the formal adoption, it is very wonderful that you want to and that you want to continue being a part of this child's life and you seem to be that without all the paperwork.
My mom met a man when I was 6 months old, he formally adopted me. They divorced after just a few years, of course he was still my dad, that is until he met his 2nd wife who had 5 children and all the sudden there was no room for me. He made me walk to a gas station one day to call y mom to come get me when they were having some type of wedding dinner, they had not thought I would still be there so they didn't buy me any food, ha ha, I was 11 how much was I going to eat, then one day he called me on the phone and told me that he knew that I knew who my real dad was and that I should call him because he should be the one responsible for me and have to pay child support (I was still only 11) I don't mean to say here that he was a bad guy, because he is not, he had good intentions I am sure, I still have contact with him as he is the father of my brothers, but it still hurts me, it hurts me when they invite me for a family picnic and I don't know the way to where it was held and they said they would wait for me but were gone an hour before I was due to be there. Blah blah blah, again he did have good intentions but he has never really thought about it from my point of view, I am now stuck with this horrible last name that somehow I have to pay to get rid of even though I never asked for it (it is bad too lol, its polish, just being able to spell it at the age of four should have put me in some accelerated classes in school) You are doing just fine just being there for this child, I would have been much better off if my "dad" hadn't gone through all the paperwork to make it legal, at least then when I got in trouble at school the school would not have called him, completely unaware that we hadn't been on good terms for several years. It all still makes me cry.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tashamarie80

I don't mean to say here that he was a bad guy, because he is not, he had good intentions I am sure,

Tasha,
My heart goes out to you. But I have to disagree. Your adoptive father may not be a bad guy, but he is definitely not a good guy. I can accept that he has taken on new family and might not have time to spend on you, but his treatement of you is shameful. To send an 11 yr old out to a pay phone because they didn't "have room at the table" is an insensitive and cruel act. To tell an adopted child (at age 11) to go to her real father and get him to take over support is even more than insensitive, its illegal. Apparently this creep didn't think ahead when he agreed to adopt you. Adoption is a lifelong commitment and for him to renege on that commitment makes him a bad person in my book.

You are clearly better then him and I hope you understand that it wasn't your fault, but his that you were treated so shamefully. I know that doesn't take away the hurt you feel, but hopefully it tempers it somewhat.

Nalege, I wish you the best of luck with your relationship with this child, if it doesn't work out how you want it too I hope you will be able to continue being there for him. I guess most of what I was trying gto say earlier is that paperwork and lawyers tend to complicate things and you seem to be doing a pretty nice job with him as you are. Legal guardianship may be what I would recommend, if the mother wants that as well. Please keep us updated on what happens.

You'd have to legally adopt him. You and the mother would have to contact the biological father and give him the opportunity to consent to or contest the adoption. If his whereabouts are unknown that you'd have to demonstrate that you've made a good faith attempt to contact him, in accordance with the rules of the court. Has this man ever ben proven to be the child's father? If not then a DNA test may have to be performed before any adoption can be ruled on.