Ask Me Help Desk - Mediation for visitation drop offs

My son is 15 and a half. He came to live with me after living with dad for a few years because him and stepmom didn't get along. She has basically tried to control things like visitation when he was living with them, etc.

When I had my son when he was 10(5 years ago) I got physical custody of him and in the agreement it said only the parents could drop off and pick up. We really haven't gone by the agreement. I work 2nd shift now and I have had my father and some friends that my son knows get him for me because I work when he was living with dad and I have had them drop him off with dad because of my work situatuon

I now have someone that can drop him off and pick him up so dad can have visitation. My ex knows that in the past there have been different people that have done this for me. We don't really communicate because the wife doesn't like it, so drop offs and such we don't talk really. It is sad!

My friend has been doing the dropping off and picking up for the last 2 months and my ex has known it or hasn't said anything. I mentioned in email, that his wife monitors, that I would be dropping him off and my friend Lisa would be picking him up. His wife had a hissy and said they weren't dropping him off with someone named"Lisa" and they would drive him home(Granted they live 2 hours from me and that would add on another 4 hours). To me he is cutting off his nose despite his face.

Now that my son is almost 16, I say he can go with who he wants when he is picked up or dropped off. He is old enough. He has been doing it for a long time and now the wife wants to make a big deal about it. Also, it helps me when I work 2nd shift in a hospital. He has told his dad he trusts my friend and that it is also his mom's friend so he doesn't mind. What can I do?

It makes it difficult during the summer when his dad has him. What should I do?Thanks!

If they want to do the drive, then let them, see how many times they'll do it before deciding that it might be OK for the friend to do it after all...

Only my suggestion... but you might want to have something in writing stating that they are in agreement... so it can't be used against you in the future...

How can it be used against me? Im not doing anything wrong. If my son was 5 I would understand. He is almost 16. Also, I do have to work and it's the only way he can visit with his dad. It is in his dad's best interest.

I didn't mean you were doing anything wrong at all. I only mentioned it, because of not knowing if they might try to show something against you because of the original agreement... but more than likely they aren't thinking along those lines...

It might be a matter of not wanting to leave a 16 year old alone with an older woman they don't know... they might not want to risk any temptation...

I don't know your son, and I am not suggesting anything about him or your friend... I can only say that a 16 year old nephew of mine has had sex with a much older woman, and given the news coverage of some of the female teachers with male students, it must happen more than I would have ever imagined...

I wouldn't take their actions as being directed against you, since they did not insist that you had to be the one to pick him up, but instead they offered to drive... to me that indicates a lot of concern on their part and wanting to make sure that the son is in a good situation.

You must have a nice friend if she is willing to drive two hours, and two back to pick up your son... if I understood that correctly... As a parent, I think I might question the motive of that myself...

This "woman" is my partner, so there is no temptation anywhere.

Ahhh... "His wife had a hissy and said they werent dropping him off with someone named"Lisa""... made me think they didn't know her or the relationship. If they don't, my thoughts might still apply.

Since they didn't directly attack her or the relationship, it seems possible they don't know, or if they do, they don't know much about her and maybe don't have the same level of comfort with her...

I'm probably missing something, but if they are willing to do the driving, does that mean every time... or just this one time?

You could send an email asking for information... such as if they know of anything during the times when Lisa did the driving that caused them concern... also mention that you are still willing to continue the same arrangements that you have had in place for the last 2 months if they would like, or if they change their minds about the driving, but really appreciate the time and expense they are willing to contribute toward making the situation work for everyone... by only asking the question, and thanking them for their involvement, it doesn't seem like like it would antagonize anything... as long as the wording is careful, and gives them a way out... if they get tired of the travel.

It doesn't matter what I say, the wife always finds things to be nasty about. I will not email anymore because she is the one that intercepts it.

The agreement is out of date and the place we meet isn't even right anymore. If they want to nitpick then why not that too? Get my drift?

I make no contact with my ex on dropoffs and nor does the person I have doing the dropping off or picking up. If it wasn't for me using other people to do this, I couldn't do visitation due to my schedule. As far as I'm concerned, I am doing him a favor. Just my opinion.

The problem here is when you have written rules and you ignore those rules, even if it was mutually agreed to, then there is a potential for one party to hold that over the other. So what I think you need to do is go back to court and petition that the rules be changed to allow someone designated by a parent and known to the child to be allowed to do pickups and dropoffs.

This way you take the wind out of the sails of the homophobic (I'm assuming) stepmom.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Theboysmomma

My son is 15 and a half. He came to live with me after living with dad for a few years because him and stepmom didnt get along. She has basically tried to control things like visitation when he was living with them, etc.

When I had my son when he was 10(5 years ago) I got physical custody of him and in the agreement it said only the parents could drop off and pick up. We really havent gone by the agreement. I work 2nd shift now and I have had my father and some friends that my son knows get him for me because I work when he was living with dad and I have had them drop him off with dad because of my work situatuon

I now have someone that can drop him off and pick him up so dad can have visitation. My ex knows that in the past there have been different people that have done this for me. We dont really communicate because the wife doesnt like it, so drop offs and such we dont talk really. It is sad!

My friend has been doing the dropping off and picking up for the last 2 months and my ex has known it or hasnt said anything. I mentioned in email, that his wife monitors, that I would be dropping him off and my friend Lisa would be picking him up. His wife had a hissy and said they werent dropping him off with someone named"Lisa" and they would drive him home(Granted they live 2 hours from me and that would add on another 4 hours). To me he is cutting off his nose despite his face.

Now that my son is almost 16, I say he can go with who he wants when he is picked up or dropped off. He is old enough. He has been doing it for a long time and now the wife wants to make a big deal about it. Also, it helps me when I work 2nd shift in a hospital. He has told his dad he trusts my friend and that it is also his mom's friend so he doesnt mind. What can I do?

It makes it difficult during the summer when his dad has him. What should I do?Thanks!

You have an order - and I have no idea why this wording was used, what the issues were - that only the parents could drop off and pick up your son. If anyone else drops off or picks up you are in violation of that order, no matter what your off the record agreement is or has been. Either party can enforce the original order despite what has gone on over the years. Of course, if this becomes a matter of going back into Court the fact that it's been no problem until now enters the picture. Perhaps your relationship with "Lisa" is a problem with the current wife - if you are in a relationshiop, perhaps she's homophobic.

I don't understand why having his father drive him home would be cutting off the father's nose despite (I assume you mean to spite) his face. It would seem that the father is not making a rule which then cuts his visitation short - if anything he has more time with your son because they will now have the driving time together.

Unfortunately you are incorrect and you do not have the final say of who your son wants to pick him up and drop him off; he is not old enough in the eyes of the Court and you have a Court order to the contrary.

Anyway - what can you do? Get the Court order changed to allow other people to drop off and pick up. Then there's no problem. Up until then any other arrangement is in direct violation of the Court's order (which presumably was made for a reason, which will be your ex-husband's argument in Court).

My only other question is - apparently your ex-husband had custody; then custody was transferred to you - ? Are there other

So, I withhold visitation then? Who do I get to drop off my son on Fridays when I have to work? What is your answer to that? I live 3 hours from where my ex lives Who do I get to drop him off? I can't take off every other Friday.

So my ex drives 4 hours to get my son every other weekend? If that's what it takes so be it. I am trying to make it easier on him. The meeting place is wrong on the agreement since that has changed too.. so are we both wrong for changing the place when it wasn't the one on the agreement? See what I mean?

I had physical custody until 2005. He went to live with my ex until December and him and stepmom don't get along so now he's here. We have joint custody.

No you do NOT withhold visitation. That would get you in further trouble by violating the court order. You need to do what we said, get the order modified. You should have done that as soon as the circumstances changed.

If the meantime you continue they way you had been going.

Of course I don't. It was rhetorical.

So I continue to let my friend pick him up and drop him off? The lady says the date might not be until may.. so what then? Of course, my ex can drive the 4 hours here and back.

We didn't get it changed because we were in agreement. His wife didn't like it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Theboysmomma

Of course I dont. It was rhetorical.

So I continue to let my friend pick him up and drop him off? the lady says the date might not be until may..so what then? Of course, my ex can drive the 4 hours here and back.

We didnt get it changed because we were in agreement. His wife didnt like it!

If you want to be in violation of the Court Order, then allow your friend to pick him up and drop him off, even though you have been put on notice that this is most definitely NOT being done with your X's approval. Your X may or may not care enough to make this an issue.

If you don't want to violate the Court Order, then you have to follow it.

Simple as that.

Again, I agree with Judy, but I'm looking at the consequences of your violating that part of the order. First, they could refuse to turn your son over. But that would mean they would have to keep him or bring him back themselves. Second, is how this would look at a hearing to modify. However, I think if you show that this was initialy done by mutually agreement, your continuing to do it wouldn't work against you.

Good. I will let him know that he can drive the extra hours to get him from now until the date. I guess then we will see if he approves or not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScottGem

Again, I agree with Judy, but I'm looking at the consequences of your violating that part of the order. First, they could refuse to turn your son over. But that would mean they would have to keep him or bring him back themselves. Second, is how this would look at a hearing to modify. However, I think if you show that this was initialy done by mutually agreement, your continuing to do it wouldn't work against you.

I think the informed knowledge that the father no longer agrees changes things.

(Another case where mother and father are in agreement but the "step" gets in the middle of things.)

Sounds like it worked out for the best and the Court hearing will settle it once and for all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Theboysmomma

So, I withhold visitation then? Who do I get to drop off my son on Fridays when I have to work? what is your answer to that? I live 3 hours from where my ex lives Who do I get to drop him off? I can't take off every other Friday.

So my ex drives 4 hours to get my son every other weekend? if thats what it takes so be it. I am trying to make it easier on him. The meeting place is wrong on the agreement since that has changed too..so are we both wrong for changing the place when it wasnt the one on the agreement? See what I mean?

I had physical custody until 2005. He went to live with my ex until december and him and stepmom dont get along so now hes here. We have joint custody.

Didn't mean to upset you - you are shooting the messenger. You asked a legal question and I answered it. You are not making anything easier on your X if he is not in agreement with your plans -

As far as who do you get to drop off your son; what is my answer to that; so your X drives 4 hours, that's not my area of experience. I simply don't know your situation or why suddenly the X's current wife is unhappy with "Lisa."

Someone should have thought of this when the Order was entered - for example, your Attorney.

Please don't shoot the messenger - I know you are frustrated and probably upset but the situation is what it is and I answered from a legal standpoint. Lots can happen if you violate the Court Order; probably nothing will. Those are the two sides of that.

I truly hope it goes well for you -

Actually, the father hasn't said a word. Its been his wife all along. I know for a fact that she writes the emails. I haven't spoken to him since December. She won't let him. I know through his mother, I am still on good terms with her, that he has told her he doesn't care as long as it's a trusted adult.

I was trying to make it easier on him so he wouldn't have to travel all this way after getting off work. It will take him 4 hours each way. To me that is shooting himself in the foot. I was making it so if someone dropped our son off, he would cut travel time. Because she is making a big issue of it that can't happen. I was trying to be the diplomatic one.

Judy.

I wasn't angry at you.. im sorry. You are making sense! Do you see my point though? The meeting place even isn't the same. Circumstances have changed. I have moved and the meeting point moved too. If that is the case, then we are both in violation. See my point? The wife wants to nitpick. If she is upset about the person why isn't she making an issue of the meeting point? She is picking and choosing.

I will let him know that after tomorrow(because I can drop him off myself) that he will have to come get him. Thanks