Ask Me Help Desk - What's wrong with my boyfriend?

[ Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 solid years and we've been friends for 5. When we first got together we were pretty much just bed buddies. Now I'm lucky if I get it once a week and it usually only lasts for under 10 minutes. We go through stages of getting along like one week well be perfect, and the next week he doesn't even want to be around me. Its like the only time I can spend time with him is if I hang out with him and his friends wich isn't a problem because Im friends with them also... but why doesn't he ever want to spend any time alone with me? We lived in our own apartment for 6 months and he cheated on me and I slept with someone else after we broke up for a week but got back together and now I moved back into his moms with him for the last 6 months. Trust me its not by choice... he wants me to wait for him to be financially ready and doesn't want me to move out on my own without him. But I've been waiting for 6 months for him to get "out of debt" but he throws thousands of dollars into his car. So anyway here's where the problem started...

See, There was this camping trip that we were supposed to go on 3 days after my birthday we even bought all new camping stuff. We ended up getting into a fight because it turned out our little getaway camping trip wasn't just going to be us, his best friend and his skanky sisters and family were up there too. So I said I didn't want to go because I didn't want to waste the whole weekend with two girls I hate. Well we agreed he'd still go and I would just come up Saturday night instead so that way he could hang out with his friends. Well I did a lot of thinking Friday night and told him he should evaluate our relationship while he was up there and decide if he really wanted to be with me anymore or if we should just move on.

When he got back from the trip I knew something had happened I just had a feeling. So I questioned it. He immediately got defensive. So the next night ( ill use the name Sara) Sara and her brother and a few other people came to our apartment to drink. I asked her if anything happened and he found out so I was told to apologize for making her feel attacked. Two days later I just happened to look at his phone and found text messages from her asking when she can have him again because she's so horny she feels like she's dying. He replied with I don't know I just need to get away. I beat the about him and he said it had happened two years ago but every once in a while she still tries. Well one month later our best friend (daryl) told me I was being played and to trust my instincts and my boyfriend told me what I thought had happened on the camping trip had happened.

The difference between what we did is huge. We weren't broken up when he did it and he did it with somebody that I have to constantly hear about her from all his friends because she's good friends with all of them. I had sex with a random person just that one time and he never has to hear about it again. So when I get defensive about her he doesn't understand why because he doesn't have to be around him or hear about him ever again. I do ! And it hurts!

So anyway... we broke up for a week, but this guy is just the love of my life and I can't imagine life without him we know everything about each other. So I took him back under the condition he not go over to his best friends house anymore. So he agreed but it didn't last long until he weasled his way into being allowed back there as long as she wasn't and pretty soon he was going over there even if she was ( but she was in her bedroom with her new boyfriend according to him every time) .

Then a whole bunch of other things happened in between that put all kinds of strain on our relationship. I became an alcoholic/pothead for a whole year and just brought myself out of it and have been sober for one month!! But Ime starting to get the feeling that he just thinks of me as a friend or maybe he thinks he can just walk all over me now. Because every time we disagree he breaks up with me to get his way but we always get back together.

I want things to work with him more than anything in the world. But do you think they will ever be able to?

Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 solid years and we've been friends for 5. When we first got together we were pretty much just bed buddies. Now I'm lucky if I get it once a week and it usually only lasts for under 10 minutes. Hes only given me oral once because he said he thinks its gross. We go through stages of getting along like one week well be perfect, and the next week he doesn't even want to be around me. Its like the only time I can spend time with him is if I hang out with him and his friends wich isn't a problem because Im friends with them also... but why doesn't he ever want to spend any time alone with me.Even going out to dinner or on a drive he always has to bring a friend? We lived in our own apartment for 6 months and he cheated on me and I slept with someone else after we broke up for a week but got back together and now I moved back into his moms with him for the last 6 months. Why won't he have sex with me and why is he so perfect one week and so awful the next. Hes so wishy washy!! AHH! Should I just put him on the go? I mean I know Im not ugly or fat... im pretty average and the girl he cheated on me with is fat and buckled! I know I could easily find someone who treats me better but I just love him so much! WHAT DO I DO??

I've loved a few women I couldn't be with... usually after an extended time together, a monogamous relationship... it was just time to move on.

When sex suffers its usually something else that causes the change. Physical or mental health can decrease libido. Depression. Stress. High blood pressure. etc.

He has become either a lazy lover who is content to be more of a roommate than a lover, or a distant lover who has one foot out the door, just not willing to pull the plug.

So... that leaves you with some choices. Personally, I think your relationship is really on the skids and sounds like its downhill from here... but I can be wrong.

He cheated on you. You cheated on him. Not sure you guys are over it... or the reasons behind it. Why did he step out? Why with her? Until you figure that out and fix it, you are just spinning your wheels.

I'm all for doing the hard work to make a relationship last or to give it a shot in the arm to kick it back into place. Lord knows there are times when id like to walk away, and I'm in a very good marriage. Relationships take work, long term.

I'm also willing to say there's a point when you need to step back. If you are doing all the heavy lifting here, if you are the one trying to make it right, if you are the one pushing for intimacy and being denied, I think you are on short time.

You need to talk to him about your needs. You need to think about whether you can be with a person who fails to meet your needs... especially one who doesn't even want to be around you. I'm a guy who needs his "cave time" alone now and then... but it sound to me like he's just hanging around for convenience.

I think you should demand more for yourself and from yourself. Start by thinking it out... what has been wrong, and is it fixed? Then talk to him openly, trying not to be accusing or hostile. If he isn't interested in talking it out, you are done. Decision made.

If he says all the right things, but still acts like this after a few weeks pass, again... you are done.

After all that... if he doesn't change and you choose to stay, you don't get to complain about it. When you choose to stay with someone who treats you poorly, especially when you aren't even married, you get what you choose for yourself. Not saying its your fault... I'm saying you have to choose what you are willing to demand for yourself.

My fav saying is you only get the respect you demand, and sometimes not even that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by badfish420

[ Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 solid years and weve been friends for 5. When we first got together we were pretty much just bed buddies. Now I'm lucky if I get it once a week and it usually only lasts for under 10 minutes. We go through stages of getting along like one week well be perfect, and the next week he doesnt even want to be around me. Its like the only time I can spend time with him is if I hang out with him and his friends wich isnt a problem because Im friends with them also...but why doesn't he ever want to spend any time alone with me? we lived in our own apartment for 6 months and he cheated on me and I slept with someone else after we broke up for a week but got back together and now I moved back into his moms with him for the last 6 months. Why wont he have sex with me and why is he so perfect one week and so awful the next. Hes so wishy washy!!! AHH !! Should I just put him on the go? I mean I know Im not ugly or fat...im pretty average and the girl he cheated on me with is fat and buckled! I know I could easily find someone who treats me better but I just love him so much! WHAT DO I DO???? :(

Well, First let me say that How can you have sex all the time when you are living in his mom's house doesn't that feel awkward? For me it would be difficult... to do so knowing his mother is in the house

Second this relationship involves him cheating on you and you sleeping with someone, else, it lacks communication, it lacks stimulation, it lacks many of thing, then if you are living with someone you see them everyday, there is no time to miss each other, it seems to me he keep the friends around so that perhaps he is not completely bored with the relationship.. ( this is just my opinion)

He cheated on you which means he was wishy washy at that point as well... anyway look at what you just wrote about your relationship in a nutshell and you read it as if you were a perfect stranger reading someone's story and you tell me what you would say... I think you can answer your own question... I would also like to add getting his own place would be helpful... he needs to gain responsibility... You need to start living life...

If you decide to stay because ultimately it's your choice, I would suggest you get from under him, and start doing other things.. give him time to miss you.. also I think it would be wise to cut the cord living with the mom...

But in my honest opinion.. I wouldn't stay if I had to second guess this.. . but its your choice in the end..

Let him go. He's making it clear that he doesn't want to be with you, and he's just trying to be nice so he doesn't have to be the one to end it. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone that's unpredictable? You get along one week, then you don't, he doesn't want to spend alone time with you... it sounds to me he wants out, so I'd find end it and find someone new. You may love him, but you should love yourself enough not to let him treat you like that.

Please don't ask the same question multiple times... it becomes confusing...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nd-188966.html

Well I can't tell you what to do but I am currently in the same situation. Sometimes he just doesn't want it cause he would rather jack off to porn. Not to be nasty but I know I have good organs so there is no reason why. I think that guys just loose interest and/or they want it for multiple sorces. I don't know why but I like having sex myself sometimes we can go a week without it. And it drives me nuts as well. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and sometimes he can go all night without talking to me. But around his friends he can talk for hours it pisses me off. I think we both should find better someone more suitable for our needs. Have you tried talking to him and tell him lets go out on our own tonight?

He is choosing to live without you already, when its convenient for him.

When someone is going to walk all over you, you don't throw yourself under their boot.

I know... as a person who wasted a couple of years in relationship that needed to be over much sooner, I know its not easy to step back.

But the threat of "i can't live without you" is passive-aggressive bull$hit manipulation. It is about guilt... suddenly he is making you the cause of his struggle.. you are the one in control of his feelings and a good person wouldn't deliberately hurt another would they??

Sure they would. And should.

Don't accept the "i can't be without you" noise. Angers me that he isn't more of a man than this.

Again... he is living without you when it is convenient for him.

I am not as eloquent as my fellow poster, but do agree with her. Get away from him and disappear from his life.
To many break up
To much cheating (both)
To many issues.
To much lying
To much conniving
This is not a healthy, loving relationship, it's a disaster, with more disasters to follow. You can stay, and accept the misery, or you can break the cycle, leave, and get your own life together, without him, and refuse to let him weasel his way back, unless he has solid concrete proof, he has changed forever. Ain't that much love in the world, to make me put up with what you do. I wish you luck, whatever you decide.

Quote:

Originally Posted by badfish420

[ Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 solid years and weve been friends for 5. When we first got together we were pretty much just bed buddies. Now I'm lucky if I get it once a week and it usually only lasts for under 10 minutes. We go through stages of getting along like one week well be perfect, and the next week he doesnt even want to be around me. Its like the only time I can spend time with him is if I hang out with him and his friends wich isnt a problem because Im friends with them also...but why doesn't he ever want to spend any time alone with me? we lived in our own apartment for 6 months and he cheated on me and I slept with someone else after we broke up for a week but got back together and now I moved back into his moms with him for the last 6 months. Trust me its not by choice...he wants me to wait for him to be financially ready and doesnt want me to move out on my own without him. But ive been waiting for 6 months for him to get "out of debt" but he throws thousands of dollars into his car. So anyways heres where the problem started...

See, There was this camping trip that we were supposed to go on 3 days after my birthday we even bought all new camping stuff. We ended up getting into a fight because it turned out our little getaway camping trip wasnt just going to be us, his best friend and his skanky sisters and family were up there too. So I said I didnt want to go because I didnt want to waste the whole weekend with two girls I hate. Well we agreed he'd still go and I would just come up saturday night instead so that way he could hang out with his friends. Well I did a lot of thinking friday night and told him he should evaluate our relationship while he was up there and decide if he really wanted to be with me anymore or if we should just move on.

When he got back from the trip I knew something had happened I just had a feeling. So I questioned it. He immediately got defensive. So the next night ( ill use the name Sara) Sara and her brother and a few other people came to our apartment to drink. I asked her if anything happened and he found out so I was told to apologize for makeing her feel attacked. Two days later I just happened to look at his phone and found text messages from her asking when she can have him again because shes so horny she feels like shes dying. He replied with I dont know I just need to get away. I beat the about him and he said it had happened two years ago but every once in a while she still tries. Well one month later our best friend (daryl) told me I was being played and to trust my instincts and my boyfriend told me what I thought had happened on the camping trip had happend.

The difference between what we did is huge. We werent broken up when he did it and he did it with somebody that I have to constantly hear about her from all his friends because shes good friends with all of them. I had sex with a random person just that one time and he never has to hear about it again. So when I get defensive about her he doesnt understand why because he doesnt have to be around him or hear about him ever again. I do ! and it hurts!

So anyways...we broke up for a week, but this guy is just the love of my life and I can't imagine life without him we know everything about each other. So I took him back under the condition he not go over to his best friends house anymore. So he agreed but it didnt last long until he weasled his way into being allowed back there as long as she wasnt and pretty soon he was going over there even if she was ( but she was in her bedroom with her new boyfriend according to him every time) .

Then a whole bunch of other things happened in between that put all kinds of strain on our relationship. I became an alcoholic/pothead for a whole year and just brought myself out of it and have been sober for one month!!! but Ime starting to get the feeling that he just thinks of me as a friend or maybe he thinks he can just walk all over me now. Because every time we disagree he breaks up with me to get his way but we always get back together.

I want things to work with him more than anything in the world. But do you think they will ever be able to?

Ok if your listening to this. Yes you may be in love but what kind of love. In love or friend wise. One of my best friends was kind of going throw the same thing. They would break up and then get together again. She cheated on him. And He cheated on her. They are still having problems and she still is cheatin on him. But I tell her all the time just to break up w/ her boyfriend and go out w/ the other one but she says no that the other one won't take her because he has a girlfriend. So what I'm trying to say is don't let people walk over u... if you give them an inch... they will be your ruler... it sounds like you derserve someone so much better... and you will always remember your first love... so just get out and explore
<brittany>