Ask Me Help Desk - Torn about my ex-gf

I broke up with my girlfriend about 5 months ago.

We broke up mainly because she was starting a new school and would be very busy.

We both still had feelings for each other, and there were some moments after the break up where we almost did get back together, but for some reason or another (it almost always seemed like a fate thing-ex: like I was near her school one day but didn't call her, when I was back home she found this out and called me and was upset that I didn't call her to hang out, later in the week I found out she told her friend she wanted to get back together w/ me), we didn't.

We kept in touch a number of times, with her mainly contacting me. I'd say 2-3x a month

But I noticied she seemed to contact me when she was lonely, sad, no one was around, bored, drunk etc, or something like that. I guess these were moments when her thoughts could go to other things than college life, I guess they turned to me.

I still had feelings for her, and her contacting me like that was driving me crazy, every time she would call or IM, those feelings would resurface and I would think about her a lot.. probably too much

So I finally decided recently the next time she calls I'm going to tell her I can't be friends with her, because I assumed at the time that she just wanted to be friends, and its just something that I couldn't do since I was still attracted to her.

She calls, I tell her, she asks why... well I was always honest with her so I told her it was because I still liked her, and that it was hard being just friends.

She somehow interpreted this as me giving her an ultimatum, that I was saying 'we're either going out or we're not contacting each other'. I didn't actually say this but looking back on it I guess that's what I did want.

She said she would get back to me, she did and unsurprinsgly, said she was too busy for a relationship. Now, for most cases this would just be a lie by most girls just so they're not mean, but I know for a fact from her best friend (who I am also friends with) that she still liked me but really was too busy, and that she was pretty upset about the whole thing with me not wanting to contact her anymore.

I found out from her friend about that stuff, but after the fact.

I just wanted to ask everybody if I did the right thing by cutting it all off?
Sometimes I think maybe I should have just waited it out a little more until she was ready, esp since we both had feelings still.

This whole story is actually a lot longer but I wanted to boil it down as much as possible.

This whole thing has been tough on me, its just my personailty that I take things hard and always beat myself up about my decisions.

P.S - just to say, after the break up I did date, which I thought would help alleviate but nothing changed.. I still had feelings for this one girl, which has been frustrating :(

In short: No, you didn't do the right thing. You acted rather selfishly.

On the other hand, I don't agree with her decision to break up with you. Were/are you two in love? Too busy to be in a relationship? Maybe too busy to get to see each other much but why break it off because of this? Did you two agree to get back together once she had "more time"? I would think that she wanted to break it off because she is going off to college and doesn't want to be tied down. Is she seeing other people? That makes more sense... but I don't know if that's the truth. However, if it is, she's not treating you fairly and she's not being honest.

I think you are doing the right thing by giving it a little break. She will just have to understand that. Its very hard to just be friends with someone you really love. To have to watch them be with someone else. To want to kiss them rather than just talk to them. I know how that is. Give yourself some time.

Yes in deed more time. More time to save money. More time to do stuff. So, don't sit around and think about it. Start looking at your life and where are you go with it. Will find another we always do. God speed.

Man, honestly, I believe that you made the correct decision. As I read your post, I couldn't help but notice the almost exact replication of the current situation in my life. I too am a college student at a mjor University, and my ex is a student at a smaller college about an hour and a half away. We were high school lovers, for two years. She was my first serious relationship, and vice versa. The breakup wasn't bad at all, but it was tough on both of us. We went a year and a half of simply not speaking to one another after we broke up. We had each other's phone numbers as well as screennames, but never contacted each other. And the longer we went without speaking, it seemed the harder it was for one of us to pick up the phone and call the other.

Anyway, she recently came back into my life by contacting me a few months ago. We met for lunch, and got along amazingly. About two or three weeks later, I invited her to stay the weekend with me at my University. She agreed, and we had an amazing time. However, we decided that we should stay friends for now because of distance, being busy, etc. I tried to be her friend for the first two weeks or so, but I am not going to lie - I couldn't do it. I told her that she either needed to be in my life or out of it. And yes, that was an ultimatum, but the pain was simply killing me of hearing her voice and the things that were new in her life, that I could not be a part of.

So man, the point is - I completely understand your entire situation, and I would have to say that I know from personal experience how hard it is to hear the person you were in love with, and still are in love with, talk about her everyday life, sound happy, and not being able to be with her. Because for me, it got to the point where I couldn't think about anything but her, and I would wait and wait by the phone for her to call. And once she did call, I would get all these feelings again, and the cycle would repeat until the next call. But I couldn't do that to myself - my grades were dropping, I was losing my friends, etc. and I didn't want her to control my life like that. I simply had to cut her out of my life because I liked her TOO much. It hurts - the pain is real. But you cannot live your life by someone else's life. Good choice.

If you need any more advice or sympathy, post again and let me know.

Whether you intended to give this girl an ultimatum, I think you got the message across to her that you cannot be “just friends”.

I can't help but wonder if her contact with you was for “friendship”, or as “backup”. The 2 or 3 times a month she contacts you doesn't indicate to me that she's obsessed for you in the same way you are for her. Has she dated? Is she looking for someone else?

Move on. Use your time in college to get your education – both scholastic and social.

After college, if you two really are “meant to be” you'll ensure your paths cross again, and you'll have the chance to decide what you want to do.

I completely agree with Philly... her contacting you 2 or 3 times a month seems rather, I don't know, non-serious. Seems to me that perhaps she only wants you when she feels she needs you, i.e. - when she is feeling insecure, depressed, or in need of comfort. It is a possibility that she is simply "stringing" your along for her own selfish reasons - she wants to keep you hanging right where you are so that you never get over her. Trust me. They do that. As my ex tried it with me.

Philly is right... move on. Because the more you long and hope for the chance of getting back with her, you may be missing lots of opportunities to be with more amazing women you have yet to meet. And when the day comes that you realized you and your ex will never be together, you may have missed years of great chances to meet great females. Think about it.

You'll be fine.

Quote:

Originally Posted by YoungButWise

Seems to me that perhaps she only wants you when she feels she needs you, i.e. - when she is feeling insecure, depressed, or in need of comfort. It is a possibility that she is simply "stringing" your along for her own selfish reasons - she wants to keep you hanging right where you are so that you never get over her. Trust me. They do that. As my ex tried it with me.

You hit the nail on the head with that. Couldn't be more precise, especially the first part. It's what I suspected for a while but I guess I didn't want to admit it because it would make it hurt that much more.

Thanks for all the help guys. I know (now, at least... wish it was earlier) that I made the right move. Now its time to move on.