Ask Me Help Desk - Should I send my ex a birthday card?

Should I send my ex a birthday card?

So here goes - I dated a man last year that was in the final stages of his 6 year marriage - yes I allowed myself to be the "rebound" girl. We started as friends, I visited his restaurant (my daughter worked for him last summer and he got to know me through her!) He totally pursued me and within three months we were heavy - needless to say, when he relaized he bit off more than he could chew - he backed off and ultimately send me an email saying he loved me but he had to grieve his marriage (all stuff I have always been aware of and initially held back because I knew this - but, you know how love goes... ). I was hurt and humiliated that he ended it the way he did - but over the past three months I've come to terms with the fact that we had a great time for three months and it is what it is. I do still have feelings for him - and at times I miss him (we planned a lifetime in four months together!) What I find I miss the most is his company and his sense of humor. I know for a fact that he has been asking about me - my daughters and he are still friends! I stepped back and have had absoluely no contact with him whatsoever - He asked a friend of my daughter how I was doing and just recently he asked my daughter (I didn't find this out through her, she would never tell me he is asking).

So his birthday is coming up next weekend - I'd like to send him a card but don't know if he thinks I'm trying to get back with him - I'm not. I just want to reach out and somehow let him know there are no hard feelings. Should I just leave it alone? He clearly broke it off with me - I respectfully cut all ties and moved on. Will a card make him think I'm all broken up over him still? HELP!

You haved moved on, so forget him, and his birthday, as it doesn't matter does it. Forget the card, then you won't have to wonder, what he thinks about it. See how easy that was?

We can't predict how he'll react to it. You seem to want to send it in the right spirit so there's no harm in sending it. And they'll really be no harm in him imputing to it whatever he chooses.

Well, I would say send it if you 2 remained friends. But considering there has been no contact. Then yeah I think sending a card, If you aren't wanting to spark some old feelings, would be a bit bold. If he has been asking about you, asking your daighter sounds like he hopes it would get back to you, then maybe he is nervous to make the move to ask you back. A card may give him false hope if you aren't intrested.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dragnlady5

Well, I would say send it if you 2 remained friends. but considering there has been no contact. Then yeah i think sending a card, If you arent wanting to spark some old feelings, would be a bit bold. If he has been asking about you, asking your daighter sounds like he hopes it would get back to you, then maybe he is nervous to make the move to ask you back. A card may give him false hope if you arent intrested.

Thanks for your response - I did think about that he was asking my daughter with hopes that it would get back to me - like I said it did, but not through her. Sometimes I do think he is nervous about reaching out to me and has probably realized he shouldn't have cut me off like he did. I'm just nervous that he'll be too much of a coward to respond of even send a "thank you" and how I'm going to feel about it - so I'm inclining more on not sending the card (which I've already purchased by the way! It's a simple black and white card about friends and wine)... I'm still on the fence...

He broke it off with you, so I'd say it is best you leave it alone. If your daughters were to take advantage of their friendship to prompt him to contact you again sometime, well, nothing you can do about that, can you?

Just a warning, though, you guys planned out your entire future together in a few short months, and at the same time he wasn't even ready for a serious relationship yet. Doesn't that bother you? Even if he contacts you again, you need to be very pragmatic about the whole thing. Your feelings for him need to be kept in check or they'll make you stupid.

If you start again with him at some point, consider it complete fresh start and go slow. It takes 6-12 months to actually figure out who/where a guy is... ignoring most of what he says and gauging solely on what he does during that period.

Keep it simple this time around, OK? If not with this old flame, then with whomever you seriously date next.

Think about this if not anything else... he broke up with you via email.. sounds to me like a man who wants to avoid seeing or talking to you... He ask about you through others when he can simply pick up the phone and contact you... Now you decide from those factors if you should really send this card.. in the end it's your choice...

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You haved moved on, so forget him, and his birthday, as it doesn't matter does it. Forget the card, then you wont have to wonder, what he thinks about it. See how easy that was?

You are right - it is that easy. Me even thinking about sending him a card is a clear indication that maybe I'm not totally over him... right now I'm a mystery, if I send the card I'm exposing myself... I think I'm going to remain a mystery and let time completely heal me. Hell I survived Valentine's Day! It's just a bit awkward that my kids go eat at his place and see him often - they don't talk about him, but Iknow he's maintained a good, civil relationship with them. I guess he doesn't have a choice!

Quote:

Originally Posted by jolienoire

think about this if not anything else... he broke up with you via email.. sounds to me like a man who wants to avoid seeing or talking to you... He ask about you through others when he can simply pick up the phone and contact you... Now you decide from those factors if you should really send this card..in the end it's your choice...

Jolie - Merci! That was actually what stung the most, he broke up via email! A 40 year old coward that can't pick up the phone and do what he has to do will not contact me after all these months - I've decided NOT to send the card - it's a wrap!

No

Quote:

Originally Posted by latinrose64

Jolie - Merci! That was actually what stung the most, he broke up via email!! A 40 year old coward that can't pick up the phone and do what he has to do will not contact me after all these months - I've decided NOT to send the card - it's a wrap!

Wrap it up and put a bow around it! Lol I agree... He doesn't deserve a card the same way you didn't deserve to be broken up via email... perhaps if he would have talk to you and you had some closure than maybe a card would have been considered..

Leave it alone.

YES you did survive Valentine's Day and you can survive his birthday. I once sent a present to an ex on his birthday 3 months after we broke up and it started a confused cycle of torture (NC/contact) and back-and-forth that lasted ANOTHER 3 months.

It's not worth it. Be strong. You can do it!!