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-   -   Should I even try to talk to her? I'm in such a confusing situation (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=187665)

  • Feb 24, 2008, 08:32 AM
    MichaelPozun
    Should I even try to talk to her? I'm in such a confusing situation
    All right, this is a long story, but I need some advice and fast. I don't know why my girlfriend is acting this way at all...

    So I flew down with my gf's mom to watch my girlfriend graduate from Air Force basic training on Thursday. Like I expected, it was kind of awkward most of the day. We haven't seen each other or spoken other than writing letters for the last two months. So throughout the day we were kind of quiet towards each other, and kind of opened up near the end. But when we were sitting there, she told me no offense, but she's probably not going to get married. That the Air Force was going to be her career and she wants to put her self into that. I was like great, this doesn't sound very promising. I kind of shrugged it off because I didn't want to upset her. Apparently my reaction to that really ticked her off. I didn't even intend to sound mean or anything. But wow, just a couple letters ago she was saying she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. Now she's saying this? Anyway, that was the end of day 1... not so bad yet...

    On to day 2... We hung out again and she was pretty distant most of the day. I tried to talk to her and honestly it just seemed like she didn't care what I had to say. So we were walking around and went to a restaurant. I told her straight-up there that I could tell something was bothering her and what it was. She told me that when she told me about her possibly going to war, she didn't like how it seemed like I wasn't supporting her. That her career was first and that's how it's going to be. I told her that it's not what I meant and that I am supporting her fully through this. Then she told me that actions speak louder than words and we'd leave it at that. We didn't really talk for much of the rest of the night because I could tell she really wasn't listening to me anyway. So we sat there silently for awhile. Let's just say I didn't want to talk and be ignored. When I was alone with her mom, I told her how stressed out it was making me. I almost started crying on the way home. She doesn't realize how much I love and respect her. When she was leaving at night to go back to her barracks, I told her I loved her and she kind of stopped before saying it. She mumbled out "I love you guys too"...

    Then day 3, the worst day yet... it was as quiet and awkward as ever. I tried to talk to her alone about everything, but she didn't want to hear it and took it as me being a * * * * . It was the same old BS from her. Anytime I'd even say anything she'd come back with a smart remark towards me. I was completely shut out all day as she talked to her mom. Then at the end of the day, she asked me if she wouldn't mind me just skipping our plans tomorrow so she can have some one-on-one time with her mom. I was like whatever. Then she called her mom later on and told her that I brought all of this upon myself. I'm so tired of this BS.

    Supposedly, her mom is going to try to get her to call me on the phone before we leave to say goodbye. But what the hell can I really say? I didn't do anything at all wrong here in my eyes. Sure, I was quiet most of the time, but that's only because she wasn't listening to me. I'm not an idiot. I know when people don't care what you have to say. Should I just be civil on the phone? I'm pretty sure our relationship is over, but I don't want our whole friendship or anything to end.. Maybe just saying something like I don't know what happened between us, but I want the best for you and hope everything goes well. You'll do great... or something alone those lines?

    I'm just so confused. I invested so much time and energy into getting the money for this trip to come see her, and she treated me like dirt over ONE comment that she took the wrong way. She refuses to admit that she did take it that way either. Any help?
  • Feb 24, 2008, 09:31 AM
    jolienoire
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by MichaelPozun
    Alright, this is a long story, but I need some advice and fast. I don't know why my gf is acting this way at all...

    So I flew down with my gf's mom to watch my gf graduate from Air Force basic training on Thursday. Like I expected, it was kind of awkward most of the day. We haven't seen each other or spoken other than writing letters for the last two months. So throughout the day we were kind of quiet towards each other, and kind of opened up near the end. But when we were sitting there, she told me no offense, but she's probably not going to get married. That the Air Force was going to be her career and she wants to put her self into that. I was like great, this doesn't sound very promising. I kind of shrugged it off because I didn't want to upset her. Apparently my reaction to that really ticked her off. I didn't even intend to sound mean or anything. But wow, just a couple letters ago she was saying she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. Now she's saying this? Anyways, that was the end of day 1...not so bad yet...

    On to day 2...We hung out again and she was pretty distant most of the day. I tried to talk to her and honestly it just seemed like she didn't care what I had to say. So we were walking around and went to a restaurant. I told her straight-up there that I could tell something was bothering her and what it was. She told me that when she told me about her possibly going to war, she didn't like how it seemed like I wasn't supporting her. That her career was first and that's how it's going to be. I told her that it's not what I meant and that I am supporting her fully through this. Then she told me that actions speak louder than words and we'd leave it at that. We didn't really talk for much of the rest of the night because I could tell she really wasn't listening to me anyways. So we sat there silently for awhile. Let's just say I didn't want to talk and be ignored. When I was alone with her mom, I told her how stressed out it was making me. I almost started crying on the way home. She doesn't realize how much I love and respect her. When she was leaving at night to go back to her barracks, I told her I loved her and she kind of stopped before saying it. She mumbled out "I love you guys too"...

    Then day 3, the worst day yet...it was as quiet and awkward as ever. I tried to talk to her alone about everything, but she didn't want to hear it and took it as me being a * * * * . It was the same old BS from her. Anytime I'd even say anything she'd come back with a smart remark towards me. I was completely shut out all day as she talked to her mom. Then at the end of the day, she asked me if she wouldn't mind me just skipping our plans tomorrow so she can have some one-on-one time with her mom. I was like whatever. Then she called her mom later on and told her that I brought all of this upon myself. I'm so tired of this BS.

    Supposedly, her mom is going to try to get her to call me on the phone before we leave to say goodbye. But what the hell can I really say? I didn't do anything at all wrong here in my eyes. Sure, I was quiet most of the time, but that's only because she wasn't listening to me. I'm not an idiot. I know when people don't care what you have to say. Should I just be civil on the phone? I'm pretty sure our relationship is over, but I don't want our whole friendship or anything to end..Maybe just saying something like I don't know what happened between us, but I want the best for you and hope everything goes well. You'll do great...or something alone those lines?

    I'm just so confused. I invested so much time and energy into getting the money for this trip to come see her, and she treated me like dirt over ONE comment that she took the wrong way. She refuses to admit that she did take it that way either. Any help?

    Seems to me the relationship has fizzled, she coward out she needed you to do something wrong so she can blame you for the breakup. She wasn't too communicative either. And for her thinking you are not supporting her that's a bunch of bull... You flew to see her, if that isn't support I don't know what that is. You kept in touch with her while she was away.. writing letters... I guess that wasn't support, So it seems to me no matter what you do or how hard you tried this relationship was over anyway.. unfortanetly there is nothing you can do... Friends talk to friends... her mom shouldn't have to try to get her to say goodbye.. If she wanted she can call you herself. Sorry to say this but I feel this relationship is over.. I know it will hurt but her actions speak louder than words... And I am sure you know for the most part its over... so the next few days you will have to start working on yourself and healing from this hurt...
  • Feb 24, 2008, 09:31 AM
    allswell
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by MichaelPozun
    Alright, this is a long story, but I need some advice and fast. I don't know why my gf is acting this way at all...

    So I flew down with my gf's mom to watch my gf graduate from Air Force basic training on Thursday. Like I expected, it was kind of awkward most of the day. We haven't seen each other or spoken other than writing letters for the last two months. So throughout the day we were kind of quiet towards each other, and kind of opened up near the end. But when we were sitting there, she told me no offense, but she's probably not going to get married. That the Air Force was going to be her career and she wants to put her self into that. I was like great, this doesn't sound very promising. I kind of shrugged it off because I didn't want to upset her. Apparently my reaction to that really ticked her off. I didn't even intend to sound mean or anything. But wow, just a couple letters ago she was saying she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. Now she's saying this? Anyways, that was the end of day 1...not so bad yet...

    On to day 2...We hung out again and she was pretty distant most of the day. I tried to talk to her and honestly it just seemed like she didn't care what I had to say. So we were walking around and went to a restaurant. I told her straight-up there that I could tell something was bothering her and what it was. She told me that when she told me about her possibly going to war, she didn't like how it seemed like I wasn't supporting her. That her career was first and that's how it's going to be. I told her that it's not what I meant and that I am supporting her fully through this. Then she told me that actions speak louder than words and we'd leave it at that. We didn't really talk for much of the rest of the night because I could tell she really wasn't listening to me anyways. So we sat there silently for awhile. Let's just say I didn't want to talk and be ignored. When I was alone with her mom, I told her how stressed out it was making me. I almost started crying on the way home. She doesn't realize how much I love and respect her. When she was leaving at night to go back to her barracks, I told her I loved her and she kind of stopped before saying it. She mumbled out "I love you guys too"...

    Then day 3, the worst day yet...it was as quiet and awkward as ever. I tried to talk to her alone about everything, but she didn't want to hear it and took it as me being a * * * * . It was the same old BS from her. Anytime I'd even say anything she'd come back with a smart remark towards me. I was completely shut out all day as she talked to her mom. Then at the end of the day, she asked me if she wouldn't mind me just skipping our plans tomorrow so she can have some one-on-one time with her mom. I was like whatever. Then she called her mom later on and told her that I brought all of this upon myself. I'm so tired of this BS.

    Supposedly, her mom is going to try to get her to call me on the phone before we leave to say goodbye. But what the hell can I really say? I didn't do anything at all wrong here in my eyes. Sure, I was quiet most of the time, but that's only because she wasn't listening to me. I'm not an idiot. I know when people don't care what you have to say. Should I just be civil on the phone? I'm pretty sure our relationship is over, but I don't want our whole friendship or anything to end..Maybe just saying something like I don't know what happened between us, but I want the best for you and hope everything goes well. You'll do great...or something alone those lines?

    I'm just so confused. I invested so much time and energy into getting the money for this trip to come see her, and she treated me like dirt over ONE comment that she took the wrong way. She refuses to admit that she did take it that way either. Any help?

    Hi there. I think what you're planning on saying (in your last paragraph) is more than appropriate, if she does call. Keep it simple, be courteous, and don't sound bitter. I am glad you are admitting this relationship is over, because it sounds like it is from where I'm sitting.

    I am concerned for you though, because you're being too hard on yourself by blaming this whole unravelling on the one comment you made. It's not about the comment. You could have reacted in a completely different manner and she still would have found a way to say what she did and behave the way she did. She has checked out of this relationship and was/is looking for a way out. And it's much, much easier blaming the other party than it is to take the responsibility on yourself.

    Let her go to wherever she is deployed, and wish her a safe journey and back. Just leave her alone with her thoughts. There's nothing else you can do at this point.
  • Feb 24, 2008, 10:13 AM
    talaniman
    This sounds just like another post I answered, but the name has changed, but the advice won't. Leave her alone, and move on with your life.
  • Feb 24, 2008, 10:18 AM
    s_cianci
    You know what the score is. Let her go quietly and do what she needs to do. Then get on with your life.
  • Feb 24, 2008, 10:19 AM
    MichaelPozun
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by talaniman
    This sounds just like another post I answered, but the name has changed, but the advice wont. Leave her alone, and move on with your life.

    Really? Could you link me? I'm interested to see the situation and responses.
  • Feb 24, 2008, 10:36 AM
    MichaelPozun
    She removed me from her myspace and Facebook, so I'm guessing this is just the beginning of the end.
  • Feb 24, 2008, 10:44 AM
    jolienoire
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by MichaelPozun
    She removed me from her myspace and facebook, so I'm guessing this is just the beginning of the end.

    It means she is ready to move forward without you, don' t contact her...
  • Feb 24, 2008, 10:49 AM
    jolienoire
    "To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”
    Anonymous
  • Feb 24, 2008, 11:13 AM
    MichaelPozun
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by jolienoire
    It means she is ready to move forward without you, don' t contact her...

    I have no intentions of doing so. I'm going to be the mature one and walk away. She can contact me if she so pleases.
  • Feb 24, 2008, 12:13 PM
    MichaelPozun
    I have some of my friends telling me I should try to call her and it on my terms in a mature way. Just tell her that I don't appreciate the way I was treated. But I don't know if that would be the best idea. I don't even have her phone number anyway. So if she calls me, should I even respond? Or what?
  • Feb 24, 2008, 12:18 PM
    jolienoire
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by MichaelPozun
    I have some of my friends telling me I should try to call her and it on my terms in a mature way. Just tell her that I don't appreciate the way I was treated. But I don't know if that would be the best idea. I don't even have her phone number anyways. So if she calls me, should I even respond? Or what?

    Your friends, are looking out in your best interest.. you want closure, but the closure is you accepting that this is over... What could you possibly tell her? I don't think this is a good idea, you allowed her to treat you that way so you have to take responsibility for that, can't blame her for something you allowed. She knows how you feel, she could care less at this point she already is moving on... if she calls you, let her leave a message.. Otherwise you may answer while your wounds are still open and may say some things you may regret.. I personally don't think it's a good idea..
  • Feb 24, 2008, 01:27 PM
    MichaelPozun
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by jolienoire
    Your friends, are looking out in your best interest.. you want closure, but the closure is you accepting that this is over... What could you possibly tell her?? I don't think this is a good idea, you allowed her to treat you that way so you have to take responsibility for that, can't blame her for something you allowed. She knows how you feel, she could care less at this point she already is moving on... if she calls you, let her leave a message.. Otherwise you may answer while your wounds are still open and may say some things you may regret.. I personally don't think it's a good idea..

    The thing is though, I tried talking to her about how she was treating me, and she didn't listen. She just continued to do it and acted like I was being a jerk about it for some reason.

    Only reason I ask this is because all she's done is delete me from these internet profiles. She hasn't made anything official yet. I mean, I know it's over with. I'm not stupid. But I'm wondering if she plans on calling or if I should just be the bigger man and do it myself.
  • Feb 24, 2008, 01:31 PM
    susangpyp
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by MichaelPozun
    The thing is though, I tried talking to her about how she was treating me, and she didn't listen. She just continued to do it and acted like I was being a jerk about it for some reason.

    Only reason I ask this is because all she's done is delete me from these internet profiles. She hasn't made anything official yet. I mean, I know it's over with. I'm not stupid. But I'm wondering if she plans on calling or if I should just be the bigger man and do it myself.

    It sounds over to me. I don't think you need to say anything. She's the one who said actions speak louder than words and her actions are saying lots of stuff LOUD AND CLEAR.
  • Feb 24, 2008, 01:57 PM
    talaniman
    You know its over, she knows its over, her mother knows its over, the whole internet knows its over. Did I miss anyone? It don't get more official than that, and there really is nothing more to say to her. Start your healing with accepting what you already know.
  • Feb 24, 2008, 02:04 PM
    jolienoire
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by talaniman
    You know its over, she knows its over, her mother knows its over, the whole internet knows its over. Did I miss anyone?? It don't get more official than that, and there really is nothing more to say to her. Start your healing with accepting what you already know.


    Would give you a greenie.. for this one but I have to spread the love.. It's obvious that she doesn't want to be in this relationship.. When he realize this he can start the healing process.. otherwise it seems to me he is looking for someone to say go for it.. but the truth is this is a one way relationship in which will never work.. Unfortanetly he has to accept this. If he contacts her, he will possibly not get the response he intended and will eventually regret it. If he wants her to jam the nail in and twist for him to get it through that head of his.. then he contact her, but he will regret it and feel worse..

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