At the beginning of the year, I found out that my Dad is not my father. I am 42 years old and am the 5th children to my parents.
My older brother told me that my Dad confessed this to him after his stroke.
I have suspected for several years that I wasn't his child after my mother told me about her affair.
My brother made me promise I would tell my parents that he told me. But I have so many questions and I don't know what to do.
Now I look for anything out of the ordinary. My mother has always treated me differently than the other five kids. Growing up I could never figure out why she didn't love me as much as she did the other kids. I know now that I must be a constant reminder to them both of her infidelity.
My brother told me that my biological father was a neighbor where we used to live. I want to know if he knows about me and if he's even still alive.
How should I pursue this without ratting out that my brother told? I need to know for sure and would like a DNA Test.

Your father is the man who loved and raised you. The other person is a sperm donor. Obviously your mother loved her husband and they managed to work though the problem. As men and women we at times drift and make mistakes, I am sure this affair was one that all regreted, but I bet they loved you. Perhaps you were a reminder at time of a regret ( not you but the affair)

Heck we all can look back in time and make this appear this way or make that appear that way. And all children in a large family believes that one parent loved someone else more. I bet if you really honestly talked to some of your brothers and sisters they would say theyoften though you were loved more or treated better. It is human nature to think this. And we can all find examples of it if we look back in hindsight. ** In sports we call it Monday morning quarterbacking.

I would not even make a deal out of it, and love your mom and dad for who they are two people who loved each other in spite of one mistake. It takes a lot of love to work though that.

If you think you just have to know, you can ask your mom, but most likely she won't tell you. And honestly I don't think she should either.
Your dad is still the man who raised you. AT 42 there is nothing this other man can do or say even if he knows. All you may do is destroy his life at this point. If he knows, he has decided not to tell you also.

They made their choices I would respect them.

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Originally Posted by suzann

At the beginning of the year, I found out that my Dad is not my father. I am 42 years old and am the 5th children to my parents.
My older brother told me that my Dad confessed this to him after his stroke.
I have suspected for several years that I wasn't his child after my mother told me about her affair.
My brother made me promise I would tell my parents that he told me. But I have so many questions and I don't know what to do.
Now I look for anything out of the ordinary. My mother has always treated me differently than the other five kids. Growing up I could never figure out why she didn't love me as much as she did the other kids. I know now that I must be a constant reminder to them both of her infidelity.
My brother told me that my biological father was a neighbor where we used to live. I want to know if he knows about me and if he's even still alive.
How should I pursue this without ratting out that my brother told? I need to know for sure and would like a DNA Test.

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I can sort of understand how you feel. I was raised in a family with my stepmother, dad, stepsister, half brother, and realbrother. For a long time I did not realize that my stepmother was not my real mother. She always treated my realbrother and I so much differently from her children and we thought it was just because we were the older children. I had these memories and nightmares that I couldn't explain or understand of this woman and these people doing awfull things to me and my brother. The woman I had even given a name which the weird thing I discovered later was the name that I had given to her was her actuall middle name and I had not known this. I found out that the woman I kept dreaming about was my real mother and that she and someother people had done all those things to me. I remember despite the fact of what we had been told my brother and I were desperate for a mother that would love us the way children are meant to be loved So we always had it in our hearts to find our mother. Well now we are both glad she is not in our lives. I wish you good luck.

What is with all this secrecy?

Your family keeping it from you, you keeping it from them.

Ok, first of all. Your father is the one who raised you, not the one who you share your DNA with.

That being said, you are probably curious. I would just ask him straight out for a DNA test.

But you asked for advise on how to do this as a secret.

Do you know your blood type and your parents?
Or when he sleeps, get a swab of his saliva to use as comparison. Saerch online for DNA tests, they have plenty out there.

I understand your need to know your roots,but before you open up what had to be a painfull time in your parents lives you should consider that they kept this from you because they loved you.Imagine how they would feel to have to relive that experience all over again.They obviously worked through it to keep the family intact and provide a stable home for you and your siblings.To me they deserve the utmost respect and honor for handling a very difficult situation.After42 years what is it that can possibly add to the life you have now other than satisfying your own need to know!Since your mother has already told you of her affair you could gently ask her if this had anything to do with you, but if she is reluctant or doesn't want to tell you anything,have you considered just backing off and letting it go.Know that there is a big difference between a sperm donor and a father who loved you enough to be there and raise you as his own.If your actions will split your family and cause a lot of pain, at 42 you must find a better way to deal with your feelings.You may never know the truth about what happened 42 years ago,but you do know that you have a family that loves you now.:cool:

Hi,
You have received some very good answers. I only want to support you and whatever decision you make, regarding finding your "real" father.
But, I'll bet that your parents love you just as much as their "real" children, and if you try remembering more, you will find that out.
It's going to be a difficult decision about whether to tell your parents you know, and it could possibly cause them to worry about you, and maybe even themselves.
In the long run, the truth should come out, and I'm sure you will find a way to deal with it. I do support you in trying to find your "real" father.

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Originally Posted by suzann

At the beginning of the year, I found out that my Dad is not my father. I am 42 years old and am the 5th children to my parents.
My older brother told me that my Dad confessed this to him after his stroke.
I have suspected for several years that I wasn't his child after my mother told me about her affair.
My brother made me promise I would tell my parents that he told me. But I have so many questions and I don't know what to do.
Now I look for anything out of the ordinary. My mother has always treated me differently than the other five kids. Growing up I could never figure out why she didn't love me as much as she did the other kids. I know now that I must be a constant reminder to them both of her infidelity.
My brother told me that my biological father was a neighbor where we used to live. I want to know if he knows about me and if he's even still alive.
How should I pursue this without ratting out that my brother told? I need to know for sure and would like a DNA Test.

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My father past away two years ago,and my aunt had cookout we were talking about. How my daddy took my mom away,from this guy,before them two start hooking up,and my aunt said you know that's your real father. He came over too my house after my mother died,and my mother left confession.I'm 28 years old looking for my father.I kind of notice the different between me and my brother

I think that not know biological history raises a lot of questions whether our 42 or 17. I have an adopted sister who came into our family at the age of two. Her father dropped her off for babysitting and that was it. My parents raised her till she was five and adopted her. I also have a son who's father left me when I was five months pregnant I met a man and married him and he took on my son. My son does not know and I am not sure he needs to right now. But I do feel later on he has right to know. I feel what he chooses to do with that information is up to him and hopefully he will not be angry with me for keeping the secret from him. I only want to protect him and give him a sense of security. As for not loving him the same your right. I love him differently he is mine. I am a little more protective over him because he seems so much more fragile. Due to it I am harder on him and sometimes more lenient. But loving less never. Look into yourself and maybe your mom felt the same. Being honest with her is good idea and also letting her know that you are not angry with her for not telling you and you love her. Maybe she can shed some light on why she did not tell you. Maybe there is a good reason.

A truth seeker should always be prepared for the truth. And sometimes the truth is not what was expected.

Maybe your biological father never knew and would be thrilled to meet you and have you in his life. My husband recently found out that he was the father of adult twin daughters. He was devastated to have missed their childhoods and is anxious to get to know them, if he is allowed. It's sad for everyone involved, but to not tell someone they are a parent is unforgivable. Better late than never. My husband would rather know and hopefully be allowed to know his grandchildren. Good luck.

I found out at the age of 57 that the man that raised me and that I believed was my father, was not my father. I have been looking for people in my similar situation. There are a lot of adoptees who found out later in life that they were adopted, but not many non-adoptees are finding out they have been deceived all of their lives. The deception may be unintentional. Sometimes a woman does not know by who she conceived. In my case, when I found out, I understood why my mother kept the thought that I may not be my father's child from me. He also died not knowing I was not his child. It is very wrong to tell someone in my position and Suzann's situation, to "forget it, her parents did it because they loved her and her "dad" is her dad and the other guy is just a DNA donor." It does not work that way. That is cruel. She has a right to know her parentage. She will not need to know every detail of her conception. She needs to talk with her mother and get what information she can about her father and contact him if she desires. If she doesn't want to contact him or his family, she can keep the information if later she does want to contact him. There is a statistic that 17-25% of children are not the child of the father that they believe is their father. No one could have told me my father was not my father. It was inconceivable. But, true. I found out by an odd set of circumstances coming together. Suzann, if you are out there, I would like to communicate with you.

I found out when I was 26 that the man who I believed to be my father was not my biological father. I'm 35 now and am still looking for others to speak with about this. I've met my bio-dad and have a good relationship with all three of my parents. Yewl, I completely agree with you on your response to Suzann's note, especially the disagreement with everyone advising her to brush it off and forget about it. It is a big deal, even if it doesn't have to be a harsh reality or bad news. And it affects the siblings, too, as it initially broke the hearts of mine (including my own), but we've worked past that. I'd be interested in communicating with both of you if you're still out there.