Ask Me Help Desk - My Ex contacted me

My Story:

I'm 21 my ex was 18

I dated this girl for about one and a half years, and then all of a sudden she wanted a break, I took it like it was a break up but she messaged me saying she still loved me it was only to help her think and find herself again (she has always had problems with liking herself).

After about 5 or so days into the break I was being tortured it was so damn hard for me she was going away with guys (she use to be friends with) to watch some sports or w/e it was really torturing me, so I said that I wanted to make the break permanent (stupid of me I know) this ticked her off and I tried to take what I said back but it was too late she said it was over and she was leaving the city to live with her grandmother.

I tried honestly to get her back I called her up she said it was over, I took that and it has been No contact ever since this was around early January.

Around 3 weeks ago she messaged me asking me how I was, I didn't know what to take of this but I didn't reply keeping to my no contact rule.

I work at the same joint as her mum, but last week she came to our work (I totally didn't expect this) she knows I work that day and she did tell me the relationship was over but why was she trying to come back into my life especially since she had moved about 3 hours away.

I didn't talk to her at all so I've kept to no contact for over a month. But I still love her deeply and want nothing more but to be with her again.

I am asking for your advice on my situation, I know its probably wiser to stick to what I'm doing - no contact but what do you make of her trying to get back into my life, could it be just for friendship (her mum has mentioned this to me) or is she actually missing me I was very good to her and the stuff she use to say of how I mean to her is probably what's hurting me the most.

Thanks,

Quote:

Originally Posted by kgl

My Story:

I'm 21 my ex was 18

I dated this girl for about one and a half years, and then all of a sudden she wanted a break, i took it like it was a break up but she messaged me saying she still loved me it was only to help her think and find herself again (she has always had problems with liking herself).

After about 5 or so days into the break I was being tortured it was so damn hard for me she was going away with guys (she use to be friends with) to watch some sports or w/e it was really torturing me, so i said that i wanted to make the break permanent (stupid of me I know) this ticked her off and I tried to take what i said back but it was too late she said it was over and she was leaving the city to live with her grandmother.

I tried honestly to get her back I called her up she said it was over, I took that and it has been No contact ever since this was around early January.

Around 3 weeks ago she messaged me asking me how I was, I didn't know what to take of this but I didn't reply keeping to my no contact rule.

I work at the same joint as her mum, but last week she came to our work (I totally didn't expect this) she knows I work that day and she did tell me the relationship was over but why was she trying to come back into my life especially since she had moved about 3 hours away.

I didn't talk to her at all so I've kept to no contact for over a month. but I still love her deeply and want nothing more but to be with her again.

I am asking for your advice on my situation, I know its probably wiser to stick to what I'm doing - no contact but what do you make of her trying to get back into my life, could it be just for friendship (her mum has mentioned this to me) or is she actually missing me I was very good to her and the stuff she use to say of how I mean to her is probably whats hurting me the most.

Thanks,

Simple keep the no contact, you need to get over her first... if you rush back into something after a fresh breakup... it will become very confusing, and possibly ruin all the chances of having a healthy relationship for the future esp because you told me she was seeing other guys even if nothing happened.. . she walked away from this relationship... You confronted her about her behavior and she got defensive and ended it... she could have simply answered without getting defensive and dumping you doesn't matter if you said the break was permanent, you wanted to see if she would fight for you that's why you made that comment but she didn't.. it back fired.. but I strongly suggest you do the no contact.. otherwise you may be taken on an emotional rollercoaster. And it will keep bringing you a couple steps back.. give her the space she initially requested let her live with the decision she made of not wanting anything to do with you. It does get better... trust me

I still agree that no contact is the best thing for you to do. But if you absolutely can't keep it up listen to me. First you really got to ask yourself if you really want her back after how she has hurt you. Ask yourself if you are glorifying the relationship you had with her and really take the time to think about only the bad things in your relationship. (EVERY relationship has SOME problems and you are kidding yourself and hurting yourself if you don't acknowledge them.) Once you have examined them and your pain from what she has done to you ask yourself again if you really want to be with her. If the answer is yes then take the time to convince yourself that there is no hope. Plan for the worst and prepare yourself emotionally to feel rejected all over again. At this point it should be a RATIONAL decision on your part KNOWING the RISK of pursuing her and how it can further damage you. IF you are OK with the risk, your emotions, and you are thinking with the rational part of your mind then proceed carefully. You need to set your emotions aside, be calm, and when asked by her if you're OK, you answer that you are GOOD and be sincere about it. She will know it is an act if you are not genuinely GOOD with yourself. You need to accept you do not NEED her in your life, you only WANT it. And as I said you have to make sure you really want it. If you stand any chance, it is making her pursue you. You CANNOT pursue her. You will have 0% chance going after her. All that being said, I will tell you right now, MOST PEOPLE DO NOT GET BACK TOGETHER WITH THEIR EX, and most of people ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT THEM.

Thanks so much for the replies guys,

Yeah she's always had more male friends then female, but she kind of totally left all of them for me then all of a sudden started hanging out with them and then not seeing me it did hurt a lot and still does and I can never understand how or why it happened.

Through our relationship, she always made me get involved with her family she told me she wanted to marry me told me many things of how I made her feel. Which is probably why this is so hard but I know all you guys/gals have probably felt the same thing.

Her exact text message was :
Hey how are you... just wondering how you are doing

To me this means she is missing me and just wants to hear from me perhaps hear my voice I don't know, but I wonder is this for her benefit or does she just plain miss me.

I understand completely that I cannot go after her she has to come after me, however coming to a place where she knew 100% I would be there, what does that mean really? Is that her trying to come back for me I'm not sure (after fights she use to try get in my vision all the time like walk past and stuff this is what she was doing last week)

However if she does message me again by some chance or try contact me in someway, should I reply that time or keep the no contact.

Oh and one more thing,

When we broke up she told everything she said she meant it she told me she still even loved me and that after she *finds* herself she would want to go out with me again.

It pisses me off at the same time that she said that cause it leaves me hanging, I'm going to keep the no contact though but what I have to comprehend is that I need to let it go and let her go but its so damn hard.

I just have a huge feeling she will come back for me, but what is annoying me is the wait I really need to get over her for now if she comes back woah great, but I know it won't be tomorrow or even the next week. I've read so many posts and all peoples experiences about relationship breakups and as much it helps I keep punishing myself by wishing this whole thing never happened.

Thanks again for all your replies

Quote:

Originally Posted by kgl

her exact text message was :
Hey how are you...just wondering how you are doing

Well this could also be her trying to absolve herself of some guilt. The dumpers usually do feel bad and guilty about it, especially involving us "nice guys" so they try to make themselves feel better by getting you to forgive them or even put you in the friend slot so they can have their cake and eat it too.

She could also just be confused about what she wants right now. The important thing is you need to move on regardless of what she's thinking right now. You will only hurt yourself more waiting around. Think of how it makes you feel. Is that a healthy feeling? Is that a feeling you want to have? Probably not so you really need to try and get over her and stop worrying about her intentions and what she's thinking. This is A LOT easier said than done, but you need to be taking the baby steps to recovery. No Contact is a big help with this. You might wind up with someone better after healing. She might even come back eventually. But you can't sit around waiting forever for that chance. She's not the only girl in the world, you have to be willing to move on regardless of what she *eventually* does. And most importantly learn from this experience. The painful times in life are when we stand the most chance to learn. You just got to concentrate on making yourself feel better and learn to be an individual without her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kgl

oh and one more thing,

when we broke up she told everything she said she meant it she told me she still even loved me and that after she *finds* herself she would want to go out with me again.

It pisses me off at the same time that she said that cause it leaves me hanging, I'm gonna keep the no contact though but what I have to comprehend is that I need to let it go and let her go but its so damn hard.

I just have a huge feeling she will come back for me, but what is annoying me is the wait I really need to get over her for now if she comes back woah great, but I know it won't be tomorrow or even the next week. I've read so many posts and all peoples experiences about relationship breakups and as much it helps I keep punishing myself by wishing this whole thing never happened.

Thanks again for all your replies

Don't beat yourself up. Its easy to blame yourself, but you have to accept that this was her decision and hers alone. You can't control what she thinks, feels, or does, so don't beat yourself up over what is out of your control. Again, A LOT easier said than done, but you need to keep trying and keep trying and don't give up until those feelings of self pity go away. I'll tell you right now, it doesn't matter how awesome a guy you are or what you did right, nothing could have prevented this. Feelings are unpredictabe, and this is what hers is telling her now. You never could have changed that and you never will be able to. Just concentrate on being the best you you can be and give yourself the attention you deserve. You'll never be able to be with anyone if you aren't happy with yourself first.

One of the great benefits of no contact, is you get control over yourself, and have a chance to get you emotions, and feelings, put in a better perspective, and get in sync with your own mind. To often, after a break up, we wonder and assume, that every action and word, by the ex has more meaning than it really does. (its actually is irrelevant) and by analyzing, wishing, and hoping, our focus is on them, and not us. She wanted a break, you gave it to her, now adjust your life, and thinking to you, and what makes you happy, and healthy, and leave her alone. Plain and simple. You will be in a much better situation, when you can cope with reality.

Maybe you can try the LOA Law of attraction, I'll ghet the website,very useful or I'll pm you with it, just remind me.
Good luck! Stay positive,still too early in the break-up