Ask Me Help Desk - Is this worth chasing

Ok I am new to this board but I need some advice on a situation.

I started dating a girl around 5 months ago and here recently things have gone to hell. It all started the night before valentines day. She didn't text or call all day which was unusual as wel talk at least 10 times a day. She sends me a text appologizing that she hasn't called. She said she had to think through some things. I was like what.. She said that she feels she doesn't treat me very well and that it upsets her. Well we finally talked that night and she was all upset saying that she always feels guilty and she has never felt like that with anyone before. I was like well maybe you should correct some things that you feel guitly about. She is mean sometimes and I am for the most part understandable and pretty much will do whatever she asks. If she has an issue with something I do correct it. She was mad because I play xbox all the time so I sold the xbox and quit playing all together. Then it was I never clean up after myself so I made it a point to do nice things for her and clean her house or do dishes while she was at school and I was off from work.

Well here is where it gets complicated. My GF is in college for an ROTC contract with the army. She had moved to this area about a year ago. She kept mentioning x's and never really got into detail about it. Well she has a set of dogtags hanging in her car and I asked about them when we first started dating and was told it was a friend of hers who died in Iraq so I was like oh OK.. Well I was housesitting for her while she was out of town. She got a package in the mail from a guy in Korea. The name looked familiar so I was curious and sure enough it's the same guy who's dogtags are hanging in her car. I was furious that she lied to me and it made since because she had said her x was in korea with the army. I never said a word that I knew she was receiving packages and had his dog tags still hanging in her car. I didn't want to ruin our relationship.. well forward 3 months

We have an awesome valentines day and she appologizes for the night before and said she has just been confused. I bought her 3 dozen roses and a $300 gift certificate to a local spa.. So I was excited about making her valentines day special. Well the next morning we are getting ready to go to the mall and I am in her bedroom and an IM pops up on the computer so I was like who is that... Well it's the same f'ing guy that's in Korea.
He tell her good morning baby and then goes on to say how he misses her and how he is glad she liked the things he got her and then tells her he loves her.. I was so pissed

I immediately confront her and ask her what the hell and advise that I know the dogtags belong to him as well. She said that she is his power of attorney and she pays all of his bills while he's gone and when he gets back she is not having anything to do with him and that he is obsessed with her. I was like why is he still telling you he loves you. And that it appeared like she was talking to him on a regular basis. She said she talks to him once a month but its nothing serious and that she doesn't want to be with him. I blow up and I tell her to "f" off in not a nice way and I slam the door so hard it makes her pictures fall off the wall.. I call her back the next day and now everything is my fault she don't know if she can be with me because of my reaction and she has never seen such hatrid. I was very hurt and mad so I appologized and told her I was sorry for my part. So we start talking but she still remains undecided. 3 days pass and I finally tell her that she needs to make up her mind so she tell me she doesn't want to keep hurting me so she said its over.. I was very upset and said can't we work this out and she suggested a break and I said no and to never talk to me again.

I felt bad about telling her to never talk to me again and I texted her the next day to appologize for that and told her I was just hurt because she brok up with me. She again tells me that my reaction was chidish and she couldn't believe I reacted that way. I explained again that I was hurt and kindof pissed that she broke up with me. We agreed on a break and the last thing I said to her was Ok I will talk to you later and call me sometime if you want to talk.. So my questions are..

1. Did I overreact about the x
2. Was I wrong for telling her to never talk to me again
3. I still haven't heard from her and its been 3 days. Was saying" ok i will talk to you later call me sometime if you want to talk" being a smartass?
4. I still love her very much and want her back.. what should I do

I appologize for the long thread but I am bored and felt like typing..

She lied to you; it's over. Unless you like punishment.

Dude, you're putty in her hands and it's not healthy. Your reaction about the x is the least of your problems. Let's see ; you sold your xbox because she doesn't like you playing it, despite the fact that you "play it all the time". While I agree that it isn't necessarily healthy to play xbox all the time, the fact is that you gave up something you enjoy just to appease her. Not good. Then you "do nice things for her and clean her house or do dishes" while she is at school and you're off from work because she gets angry with you for not cleaning up after yourself. While some people may detest slovenliness, and I'm one of them, doing things solely to appease her isn't healthy. You go on to say that "if she has an issue with something I do correct it." Yuck! Where is your sense of self? You may not be a perfect person (nobody is) but you are who you are and you have a right to be who you are and you should never let anyone take that right away from you. Of course, this is all glaringly obvious to her so she knows she can manipulate you and does. She has no respect for you as a man whatsoever, because you have done nothing to command it. Hence the lies and runaround regarding the (not really) "ex" in Korea. What a perfect setup for her ; she gets to have you as a backup while he's away in Korea, then dump you like a hot potato the minute he gets back. $300 for a Valentine's Day gift? Are you independently wealthy? My guess is no, in which case that's far too much to spend on anyone for any occasion. Especially someone who treats you the way she does. You ought to take the attitude that she's lucky to even get anything from you for Valentine's Day. I'm sorry to be so blunt but, going by things that you yourself have admitted to it's glaringly obvious to see where this is going. Honestly, the most manly thing you can do right now is to tell her, matter-of-factly, that it's over. Tell her the reasons ; she's lied to you and manipulated you concerning the "ex" stationed in Korea and she's just using you until he returns. Tell her about the mean things she's done to you and not respecting your personality. Again, do so matter-of-factly, without getting angry and losing your temper. She'll no doubt get very angry with you and try to deny or cover-up everything, partly because she'll realize that she can no longer manipulate you. But she'll just have to deal with that and it'll be her problem, not yours. You can even admit to the fact that you allowed her to manipulate you, thereby owning your part in the situation, but that it's not going to continue any longer and you're putting a stop to it. Once you're done with your "Dear Jane" speech, have no further contact with her whatsoever. If you've been living with her, move out (or better yet, insist that she does), return any personal items of hers that you might have and get yours back from her. Then all ties are forever severed and you move on with your life, hopefully a little wiser for the wear.

Yeah... I would have left after the first lie about the dog tags... but that's just me.

She actually lied to you a WHOLE LOT, dude. And unless you're fudging some of the facts in that story, sounds like she was more upset about being caught than the fact that it was wrong.

PLEASE remember dating is ABOUT discovery. Sounds like you've discovered what you needed to know here, haven't you? Now we'll see if your man enough to do what's right for you in the long run or just wallow in the drama this girl has all planned for the two of you.

Understand, you absolutely CAN stay and "work things out with her." Absolutely.

But I expect we'll be hearing a lot more from you in the forum if you do. And we won't really be able to help much but give you some salve for the wounds you inflict on yourself with the girl.

It's actually a SUCCESS when you discover overall incompatibility with someone you're dating before you end up married. It's what dating is for. Can you do it? Can you honor the natural result of what you've discovered, or are you one of "those" guys?

Your choice, as always. Just remember not to whine about it, either way, 6 months from now. Live your choice and honor the natural consequences.

If you quit - you'll be sad and she will occasionally reach out to tryu and get you back and it will hurt and you'll fret, but you'll be free to meet and love a truly honest girl who totally is enthralled with the awesome guy you are.

If you stay - well, trust is no longer an issue with you two since there will be none. I hope the sex is TERRIFIC because you will be her emotional puppet, or you will simply have to force yourself not to care.

Seems pretty simple if you read over what you wrote.
Oh, I'd personally hide the dog-tags down the seat cushion in the car too just to mess with her. But be sure to set a date you can stand her up for and just never call again.
That would Rock.

Thanks for the feedback.. I am probably just blinded by the fact that I loved her and that I do miss her even though I shouldn't. She hasn't talked to me in 3 days so she is probably gone anyway. That's the reason I posted was so that I could get an outsiders view of the situation. I can say that I already feel a little better about things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cptcaveman420

Thanks for the feedback.. I am prolly just blinded by the fact that I loved her and that I do miss her even though I shouldnt. She hasnt talked to me in 3 days so she is probably gone anyways. Thats the reason I posted was so that I could get an outsiders view of the situation. I can say that I already feel a little better about things.

The real test will be if she comes a-knockin' again. Can you resist? For your sake, I hope so...

Everything has consequences. She must see that her behavior will have consequences.

Unless she earns you back, she is going to be lonely without you.

A boyfriend must be earned - just like a girlfriend... otherwise, it dies.

I think you can do.. BETTER.

I guess its just hard to accept that someone can tell you that they love you and lead you on knowing the whole time there are all these secrets lurking in the background. Just having a hard time accepting that she probably doesn't love me and that I was only a good time for her. Being the type of person I am.. I could never do that to someone so it just makes it that much harder for me to understand. And I really don't think she will call back. So I am just moving on day by day.. I know things will get better but it still sucks real bad being betrayed.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cptcaveman420

I guess its just hard to accept that someone can tell you that they love you and lead you on knowing the whole time there are all these secrets lurking in the background. Just having a hard time accepting that she probably doesnt love me and that I was only a good time for her. Being the type of person I am.. I could never do that to someone so it just makes it that much harder for me to understand. And I really dont think she will call back. So I am just moving on day by day.. I know things will get better but it still sucks real bad being betrayed.

How do I shake this feeling?
Answer: Live,
Sounds simple enough, think about it life without chaos now and then is no life at all.
One more mistake is one more lesson learned, you don't have to forget but don't waste your life in regrets.
How can you learn if you don't make a mistake,
How can you learn to love if you don't have heartache, and heartbreak?
One loved lost bring you one step closer to finding the one your destined to be with.
How can they leave you out in the cold? Turn their backs on you?
Answer: their human
One day we will disappoint someone in that same way and some how we will forget the pain we experienced.
Simply thank them for allowing you to experience the wonderful feeling to be LOVED.
How do I trust again?
Answer: simple trust again
It's like falling down, will you just lay their waiting for someone to help you up? Or will you get up, dust yourself off and continue as you were… of course you will be careful from now on watching your steps, but you will continue to walk… TRUST is the same way.
Don't allow someone to be a reason of why you can't move on in your life.. While your blaming them for your mishaps they are living their lives.
Someone at some point in our lives will disappoint us, no matter how hard we try to prevent it.
Don't loose control, you are the architect you are in control of laying the foundation.
How long it will take for me to get over her/him?
Answer:
As much time as you need, it's not easy to forget someone you love, but you shouldn't focus on forgetting them but forgiving them. Thank them for what occurred, and you will see when you find the one for you why it was so important that you had that failed relationship…
Failed relationships are the path for what's ahead and helps with the future.
It's okay to hurt, cry, mope, as it is a part of healing, let it out.. But don't let it go on, get it out of your system it is the only way you can move on.
We feel angry because it is easier to be upset than to say “I'm hurting”
SO I tell you that with everyday it will get better... remember trust was broken here it would be very difficult to get back or have a healthy relationship when trust is broken... Remember it's a break up not a break down... let it go...

Written by Me

As much as it hurts, your free and clear, so disappear from her life, and keep her out of yours. Don't make it worse trying to get answers to questions, that mean nothing any more.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

yeah...I woulda left after the first lie about the dog tags...but that's just me.

Yeah I was going to but it was christmas and I was stuck at her house watching her dog while she was away visiting her family. I didn't want to break up with her during the holidays because I feared bad karma.. It was still early in the relationship and I had no strings attached at that point. I should have never second guessed myself and went with my instict on that one.. I guess this is what I get for trying to be the nice guy

Quote:

Originally Posted by cptcaveman420

I guess this is what I get for trying to be the nice guy

Nice guys don't finish last, their actually winners before the game even starts.. Continue to be a nice guy.. it will pay off.. unfortanetly it is not your fault that someone can't see the good in you and if that be the case.. do you really want someone like that? “Every time you date someone with an issue that you have to work to ignore, you're settling.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

As much as it hurts, your free and clear, so disappear from her life, and keep her out of yours. Don't make it worse trying to get answers to questions, that mean nothing any more.

I have been reading this page and for some reason I feel it is linked to my problem... People are talking about these two dating and its wrong that she has another guy on the go... so why is it that the girl I was dating kissed another guy and I'm making too much of a big deal out of it... People on here say that dating means you are free to see other people if you chose... so where is the problem here, I'm just trying to understand the difference?? Don't get me wrong the girl I was with is not like what is described here i.e. making you stay off work etc... What if her ex is obsessive and send her things??

Quote:

By Tyne, so why is it that the girl I was dating kissed another guy and I'm making too much of a big deal out of it... People on here say that dating means you are free to see other people if you chose... so where is the problem here, I'm just trying to understand the difference??

Dating is a process, to see if you can have fun together, and get to know, and be comfortable, with each other. Just because someone dates you ,doesn't mean they are yours. Nor does it mean they cannot date whom ever they want, and it very unrealistic to expect some kind of exclusive commitment, so soon, with what is really a stranger. That's the whole point of dating. Part of your problem is, you just met, and your trying to skip the get to know part, and move to being exclusive. That's moving way to fast, and you need to slow down, and take the time to see if you can have fun, while you aquaint yourselves, with each other. Sounds to me like you want a g/f right now, and that ain't going to work to well, as you well know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Dating is a process, to see if you can have fun together, and get to know, and be comfortable, with each other. Just because someone dates you ,doesn't mean they are yours. Nor does it mean they cannot date whom ever they want, and it very unrealistic to expect some kind of exclusive commitment, so soon, with what is really a stranger. Thats the whole point of dating. Part of your problem is, you just met, and your trying to skip the get to know part, and move to being exclusive. Thats moving way to fast, and you need to slow down, and take the time to see if you can have fun, while you aquaint yourselves, with each other. Sounds to me like you want a g/f right now, and that ain't gonna work to well, as you well know.

Tal, I 100% agree with you I really do... My clouded judgement lies with when you agree to go on a few dates then all is cool, you just go with the flow and see what happens, hence you are free to go with other people... What does it mean when you agree to start making a habit of seeing each other but not spoken about being "boyfrend" "girlfriend"... ie someone asks you are you seeing someone and you say yes... then you kiss someone else is this cheating or not??

Heck NO! That's what people do at a New Years party. Why are you making this a big deal, she ain't your g/f. Your letting YOUR mind play tricks on you. This is your problem, not hers. So YOU deal with it. Just let go, and quit trippin'!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Heck NO! Thats what people do at a New Years party. Why are you making this a big deal, she ain't your g/f. Your letting YOUR mind play tricks on you. This is your problem, not hers. So YOU deal with it. Just let go, and quit trippin'!!!

I agree this happens at new year parties i.e. a peck on the mouth,cheek no big deal... but she kissed the guy full on for lets say a minute and she said she moved away as she said to him "i can't do this im seeing someone"... I know for a fact she didn't like him... I wasn't sure if you realised what type of kiss it was...

Am I still overeacting??

Quote:

Am I still overeacting??

Doesn't matter one bit. You weren't there, and can't know. You are over reacting and hijacking someone else's thread. OUT OF BOUNDS!