I have been with my boyfriend for four months. We are a really great couple and I absolutley love him with all of my heart. I have never found anyone that I connect with so well and I'm so thankfull that I have found him. Last summer I was very sick and could have lost my life. I was at john hopkins hospital for over a month. As I was recovering I met him and my whole outlook on everything just got better. We were doing very well, we would have an argument here and there but never anything too serious. Last week I was out with a friend who he doesn't care for and I seem to always get into something I shouldn't when I'm with her. She was house sitting for her dad who was out of town for the week and since I live right down the street I planned to stay with her. We planned to just watch movies and go to bed. Unfortunately things didn't go as planned. She ended up having to pick up her friends boyfriend from the hospital because he got into a fight with his mom who he lives with and he turned himself in to the police and took him to the hospital because his mom had claimed him to be suicidal. Anyway we had to pick him up and take him back to his truck. Meanwhile I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone while all of this was going down. I told him we were just watching a movie. For some reason I couldn't explain what I was actually doing. I didn't want to be doing all of that and I felt like he would be upset if he knew I was getting into something. He heard this guys voice in the background and when he questioned me who it was I denied everything. I finally couldn't lie anymore and broke down and told him. I never thought that he would get so angry. He said that I reminded him of his ex who lied and cheated on him all the time. It took him a while to call me. I waited all weekend and tore myself up inside wondering what he was thinking. He said that he just needed time to think things out. I called him Sunday because I couldn't take anymore and we talked for a few hours. I told him how sorry I was and how I would never intentionally hurt him or do anything to put our relationship at risk. He said that he still can not trust me. We agreed to give things another try. I told him I didn't care how hard it was. I want this to work more then anything I've ever wanted before. Yesterday I saw him for the first time since we talked on the phone. Things were very awkward. I didn't know what to say. He had this look of hurt in his eyes like he never thought I was capeable of hurting him. I hugged him and kissed him and it felt so good. But we just didn't know what to do with ourselves. When I was about to leave we talked and I just balled my eyes out to him. Told him how sorry I was that I lied over something so petty. I felt so ashamed. I told him I didn't know how to act and he explained that he didn't care if I tried to do something right or wrong as long as I was trying but I can't just sit there and not do anything and wait for it to fix itself. I need to prove myself to him. I know that I will never lie to him again but he doesn't. I want him to look at me like he used to. I saw him today. Things were better we talked and laughed and things were little better. But I know there will be days that he gets angry again. I just don't want him to give up. He means so much to me. So I guess my question is how do I continue to put my all into this relationship and build his trust again?

There is not anything you can do to make him trust you again overnight. I am afraid time is the only healer in this one.

Although, I am wondering why he got so angry at something that wasn't really anything? Yes you should always be honest and open with your partner, but it's not like you lied to him about anything major.

I had to pick my bloke up from the hospital once, he just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and got thumped, ended up in hospital, got cleaned up etc and I took him home. These things happen in the day and age we are living in.

It could have been someone else - I would have just told my partner what I was doing and what had happened and he wouuld have understood. If I had not told him, but told him later down the track, then he would not have got angry at me. Just asked me why I felt I could not tell him. Then we would have discussed the problem and put it right.

It all sounds very bazarre to me, it's not like to you were out with another guy cheating on him.

It sounds like his ex really screwed him up, and it has left him very vunlerable. I have been feeling pretty much the same, but I hung in there and I have come through the other side.

Just continue to be yourself and things will hopefully get back on track.

But I would be asking myself "Why could I not be honest with him in the first place" - I have been with my boyfriend Pete for nearly 4months now and I feel exactly the same as you do for your bloke. The only difference is I tell Pete everything without hesitation. Pete always understands and never gets angry at me. I have never been angry at him either - we have not argued about anything in the time we have been together. If we have a disagreement we work it out amicably; discuss it. We don't shout, cry etc.

Just something to think about!!

Hi, blustar,
Give it some time. Four months really isn't a very long time to get to know someone. I realize that fully after being married now for almost 29 yrs!
Believe me, this won't be the last time something comes up in a relationship. Getting to know each other, what to say, when to apologize, is all part of learning about each other.
Please give it some time, and I do wish you both the best.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by fredg

Hi, blustar,
Give it some time. Four months really isn't a very long time to get to know someone. I realize that fully after being married now for almost 29 yrs!
Believe me, this won't be the last time something comes up in a relationship. Getting to know each other, what to say, when to apologize, is all part of learning about each other.
Please give it some time, and I do wish you both the best.

---

I agree Fredg, I find out something new about Pete everyday!

But don't you think she should think about why she could not be truthful with him about something that did not really matter?

Trust me give it time and it'll be OK. I used to get really mad over things like that with my girlfriend but I realized its not worth it. I know it doesn't do you any good hearing this since he's really the one who needs to hear it but its not worth making a big deal about the little stuff. Guys are really stubborn and sometimes it takes them a little longer to realize that they're wrong. Its not like you were out with some guy and lied to him. You just didn't want to upset him at that moment and were going to tell him later when you could explain better. You sound like an amazing person and if he really appreciates what he has in front of him (which it sounds like he does) then just give it time. I know that's its hard not to worry but trust me... give it time

If you love him the way you say then give it time and he'll see what he has and things will be better if you both communicate honestly with each other,Be patient and learn from past mistakes and don't repeat them,keep your head up,good luck!:cool:

Why lie? I'd be pissed as well. You tell him one thing then there is a guy in the background - what's wrong with the truth? ALWAYS!

Trust and respect... keys to a relationship. Without these, forget it.

How ca nhe trust you when he flat out caught you in a lie? NOW he thinking - what else is she lying about?

Now that you lied... he may think the story you told him was a lie and you're out with another guy. Why??

Sorry for the tough love, but you act like it's no big deal to lie to him

If I didn't feel like this wasn't a big deal to lie to him I would have never wrote my story. I think it's a very big deal and I've never felt so bad about anything. Just like him I have a past. I used to get yelled at and hounded to death about what I was doing where I was who I was with,and I told the truth and he never believed me. I guess I paniced when I felt like it was going to happen again. I learned from my mistake and that's all I can do. I know that it won't happen overnight for him to trust me again. I saw him again tonight and things went really well.it was almost as if we are back to the way we used to be. I think he realizes that I'm not his ex and that I lied over a very stupid thing. If he really felt like I was out to hurt him, and cheat he wouldn't stay and be as kind as he's being. I'm very lucky. I realize that there is nothing that I should be afraid to tell him. And from here out I will be nothing but honest to him. We are going to be all right, I don't have any doubts now. Thank you for the opinions.

No worries, juast glad things are working out for you!! I am glad you know the reason why you lied. If you explain that to him, he will understand totally, and having known his past and the fact thathe has explained that to you is also a good thing. This will give you the chance to understand each other better and learn from it. Neither of you will ever react to a situation like that again.

I am really happy for you; good luck and keep us posted ;)

Wow. Well now I see. If he acted that way before, that's not good either. I see now why you would want to lie. Those are some major issues - sounds like he is insecure or even jealous - not good traits.

It was not him that acted that way in the past it was an ex. Today was not good at all and I'm very sad. This morning I asked him about his mom liking me. I can tell that she doesn't really care for me right now and I just brought it up. He made the comment of things not being easy over the four mts. And it was over a text mes and I guess I took it the wrong way and I blew up. He called me on his lunch break and we talked and he said that every time I bring it up of how sorry I am and tell him how much I care and never hurt him again it brings the whole thing back again and reopens the wound tnat was beginning to heal. He accused me of bringing his problems to him that I need to work out on my own. I wasn't trying to bring my probs to him to deal with I was just letting him know how I felt. Ireally need to let the past be the past and move on. I wasn't sure if that was right, but I guess I shouldn't dwell on it so much. I'm very nervous I want this to work so bad, but I keep questioning myself. Yesterday was so good. I didn't mention it at all and things went normal. He explained that there were going to be days that he's angry and upset, and he said he didn't know if I was going to be able to handle that. If I wasn't able to he said that I needed to tell him and get out now. I told him I would, I could and that I want to more then anything. He said today that I wasn't doing very well. :( that made me very sad. I'm really trying. I'm hoping that its just a bump in the road and that this too will pass. How do I deal with my own guilt and hurt without dumping it on him?

Hun, you have to be care with text - I quit using it for ANY serious comments. It's way too easy to take text the wrong way.

Guys think women want us fix their problems - when really all
Women want is to be heard from. He needs to understand that.

You can't expect his mom to like you right away - that usually takes time.

I think the bestthing to do would just give him space and time. Let him come to you.

Keep thinsg light and fun for a while. Don't bring up the relationship.

Yeah I agree with you wildcat 21. He called me later today after my last post and I just acted like the whole thing had never happened. Not that its not in my thoughs but I can't keep bringing it up all the time. Your also right about his mom. Its not about her. Its between me and him. I'm feeling better now. Its just going to take time. He talked to me like we usually do. We both have a lot of things going on right now, so for him to come to me when he's ready is a good thing to do. I really don't think that he's going to throw his hands up and give up. He would have done that already. Its only the first week also. And I think for everything that's been going on that things aren't so bad. Thank you for everyone's help. I really appreciate it. Its good to talk to someone who is not your friend because they don't butter things up and they tell you like it is. And I really need that.ill keep you posted thanks :)

:( humph... while I was on the computer earlier, he called. My phone was in my room charging. He called 4 times and text mes me. I didn't hear it until I went into my room after I turned off th ecomputer. I immediately called him back. He was out driving. He went by my house to make sure my car was in the driveway. I told him what I was doing. And he said that this is what is so easy for me. He was thinking the worst. I felt so bad. I didn't know what to say. I just told him I understood and that I know its not easy for him.I asked him to come over but he was already back home. Before I got off the phone I said "i love you and im not out to hurt you." he just said OK and that he loved me and would talk to me tomorrow. I wish he knew that I wasn't going to hurt him. I would never cheat on him. I guess I should have my cell phone next to me and be available to him? He needs that right now and I wouldn't mind doing that if that's what it takes. Any suggestions??

This definitely is not what you want to hear, but it sounds like this relationship is in the crapper. 4 months into it and already this many problems, I think the guy should cut and run. I wish I had when my ex first lied to me. Chances are this guy is probably feeling very similar to the way I was, and although he wants to believe you deep down he probably doesn't and refuses to recognize that fact. I saw all kinds of red flags and just pushed them out of my mind cause I thought I was in love. If you are being honest and really want to work things out and aren't cheating then you need to be prepared to prove it to him. If someone lies in a relationship they kind of lose all rights to pulling the controlling/snooping card on their signifgant other. Let him snoop, and listen when he says the things you are doing are making him uncomfortable.

I knew for the past three days that things weren't going right with him. I thought maybe we had a chance because of the other night was so good. But after that he just started to avoid me. He said he was angry and upset. I don't think what I say or do will matter. I could swear up and down all day that id never lie to him again but he doesn't know that. It goes a lot deeper then just some lie. I went to his house to give him his stuff back, and we talked. He said that I let people walk on me and I have no back bone when it comes to other people. I guess that's why I lied. I didn't have the guts to say no I didn't want to go with my friend, I couldn't tell him because I was afraid of what he would think of me. When really it wouldn't have mattered. I told him I couldn't wake up everyday wondering if today he was going to love me or not. I need to do things for myself right now. Do what's best for me. I'm not happy with myself right now and I need that before I can be happy with someone else. We agreed to talk to each other. If I need anyone or he needs someone to talk to ill be here. I need to concentrate on my health (I have diabetes that I struggle with) and I've been out of a job for almost a year because I was so sick. I want a job and get back on my feet. I'm ready to leave my moms house and start my own life. She's a whole other subject. I certainly wish him the best and he said the same to me. He said when I get myself together he hopes that I will come to him. He said I was a wonderful, beautiful person I just need to see that for myself. I have to say that I'm taking this a lot better then expected. Everything happens for a reason and I think this needed to happen because he's right. I do need to find myself. I don't think that we are over forever. We expeirenced a lot in the 4 months that we've known each other. There are places that I know that ill see him. I hope that he does keep his word and does talk to me and see me change. Maybe forgive me and we can start over someday.

Sorry you're not fooling me. To early in the relationship to have that much love. You're a kitten in love. I don't think you are ready for a relationship. You need time to grow. Just date and have fun. Nothing serious for now. You couldn't talk to him without crying because you feel quilty and the only way for you to feel better about yourself to to get him back. Geez stop playing games girl. I think as soon as you get him back you would repeat what to did or do something else to mess up the relationship. You like to have your life in turmoil. Don't you. Yes you do. My opinion but I could be wrong.

Just make sure to not lie to anyone. BUt, this guy sounds like he has issues of his own. Almosy stalking you.

Lying breaks trust and without trust... there's nothing.

I'd work on myself if I were you the next year. Get healthy, and take a job, any job tto get the feeling back.

I am just going to concentrate on me for a while. You are right wildcat21 there are things that I think he needs to work out too but he's convinced that its all me and I'm the one who needs to find out who I am.I think that there is a reason for him to be 28 and two failed engagements.I don't think what I did was right at all, I shouldn't have lied and there is no good excuse for why I did. I would have done anything for him. But I don't think that the punishment quite fits the crime. . Its till hard not to talk to him everyday. I was always with him. And now I just feel so empty. I wonder what he's thnking. If anything at all? If he misses me like I miss him? He said the day we broke up that we could still talk to each other just not right now. I wonder if he has the urges to give in and call me like I have to call him. I think about him all the time. It really sucks. I'm going to a counselor on Wednesday to talk about everything. Not just him but my whole life in general. I can not wait to have a job and get my life started again. Keep my mind off things.funny how I never saw this coming. We never had any problems till all this went down. I don't get how things can go so great for 4 months and then in two miutes its over. I have so many mixed feelings I don't know how I should feel. I'm mad at him for thinking that I would even consider cheating on him, I'm mad at myself for liying over something so pety and stupid and it ends my relationship, I'm sad because I miss him terribly and I think about how much fun we had together, how he could make me laugh so hard it hurt. I'm a little relieved that we aren't together so I don't have to have my stomach in nots everyday wondering if I say or do the right thing. I wonder if we will talk again and get back together, he said if it was meant to happen it will. He's right. I'm looking forward to talking about all this to my counselor so maybe ill have a direction. I can't think about what's going to happen in the future with "us" I guess. Have to look at today and what I'm doing and I'm doing well. I have my health, I'm really close to getting a good job, go back to school in the fall, move out of my moms and get my own little place with my little pug puppy oscar! I don't need his comfort to make me happy. It was nice. And I learned from it. I'm a good person and I never meant to do him wrong, but everything happens for a reason, maybe I just needed a jump start on getting myself back together again after being sick for so long. I'm going to be OK! I'm a tuff cookie ;)

I am not being funny, but that's what my ex used to do to me. He used to throw things in my face, like my past - my depression etc - he used to use that as an excuse for the way he was treating me. Pin the blame on me and my PAST problems and make me feel guilty, so that I would apologise and feel awful for my wrong doing. And guess what it was not my wrong doing. He was playing around behind my back and the closer I got to the truth, the more he played this guilt trip games on me. I became a completely different person and whatever he said I believed. I was such a mug back then.

My boyfriend now is fantastic. He knows all about my ex, what went on etc and he has been brilliant about the whole thing. His very words were "thats awful, but atleast I know, so if you ever react to something in a certain way, I will understand why" - but I don't react to anything because he is so good to me and cares about me. Neither one of us and have said "I love you" but it's blantently obvious that we do. He wants me to be happy and that I am. He makes me feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Relationships are not meant to be difficult, they are meant to be easy and work. Sure from time to time you have rough patches, but it's not meant to be a battle everyday to make your relationship work. That's what my relationship was like with my ex. It was exhausting and tideous and I was constantly down, trying to work things out all the time; it was so one sided. If I had known back then it was a waste of time, I would not have othered and would have salvaged my sanity and pride.

I am so thankful I have Pete now, he really has saved me and above all, he has shown me what true love really is :)