I think there is a curse on all women including me from my mother's side of the family. I have been born in a Middle eastern country, I felt I never fit in that culture and the minute I got out of high school I married and left my country cause I could not live under an oppressive, Islamic regime anymore. I never loved my husband and he knew that. We had three kids. I got a divorce four years ago but since then I have been in terrible relationships with four diff men. They have mentally, physically abused me and wiped off all my savings. People say I am beautiful(blonde, green eyes, fit,. ), very well educated,well travelled, fun to hang out with giving but I don't see that. If it was not because of my 3 kids I would have diff finished my life. I have been through a lot, sexual abuse, verbal abuse,physical abuse, 8 years of war, many heart breaks and my heart and body can not take it anymore. Last relationship I had was with a cop. He promised me the world. I was too hurt to trust him but he was upset that I didn't. He was very insecure specially wherever we went I would turn a few heads and he knew that. A few months ago I was visiting him and he came home crying saying his Ex GF killed herself. Since then he totally changed and eventually broke up with me. I got some emails that he used to be very abusive towards her while they were together and the eventually dumped her. I know I am lucky in a way not to be with him. But at the same time I feel so lonely and still in shock. I feel like that was my last chance at love. Since our breakup, I can not sleep or function well. I just started a new job which as a single mom I am very much dependent on the salary I make from that job but I can not concentrate. I keep getting sick and have to spend days at a time staying home. I am going through many episodes of anxiety attack during each day. I am still so mad at that cop for MAKING me believe in him and that he is the one for me. There were no red flags. I gave up on living and had turned into a zombie.

Sounds to me like you need to quit trying to get in a relationship and focus on you. I don't want to sound stupid quoting dr. phil but really it is time to start getting excited about your life. You have three amazing children. You sound like a beautiful person. Start looking for the positive everyday. Don't worry about love right now.. think of ways to improve yourself. Dedicate yourself to your job and look for ways to advance in your career. Spend time with your kids.. They will love you like no man can.. they will love you unconditionally. You are going to be okay. I know you're stressed, I know you're depressed. I've seen my mom go through stuff like this. Start looking up.. get your mind set right. You just need a boost of confidence.. don't look for it from a man until you are 100% stable. Also.. get over the jerk cop. He isn't the man for you.
Hope you feel better soon =)

The best thing you can do is give up on men at least for now. I feel the same way about my life for the most part. I have seen how many guys create an image of themselves that would convince anybody that they have it all together and months, even years later you find out different. You have to be independent and put your life into your kids, work and finding who you are and what you want. Become whole within yourself and don't rely on a guy for your happiness. You are letting yourself get worked up and sick when you need to show 'the world' you can be strong, healthy, happy and independent.
I have spent most of my life without a guy in my life and the better years were the ones without them.
They can put you through way more than it is worth.

Seek medical help. Talk to your regular doctor about your feelings. I'm sure he can give you good advice. Stop looking for love, it will be where you least expect it and when you least expect it. I was feeling very anxious and my doctor helped me. You have ben through so much, I'm not surprised you feel terrible.

I am a single mother of 3 kids.My life too has been like a rollercoaster with my emotions. Too start I apparently was a very sick baby for the first 3 years and crying in pain all the time. |My father who lived in the same house as me was wonderful to my mother and siblings but decided NOT to acknowledge my existence , so gave me the silent treatment 97% of my life. My siblings because of his treatment I believe treated me as though something was very wrong with me and as an adult have never acknowledged that I exist eather for the past 25 years. I am 44. I did manage somehow with perserverence to get a professional job. My choice in men thou has been extremely poor. I married had 3 children to a extremely abusive man that I have been alone with my kids for 10 years. Their dad still sees them on sundays for 4 hours loyaly but has been happy with this arrangement. I have been alone for 10 years raising my kids since they where babies with no help. Do to my low self worth and esteem I have also been bullied a lot at different times at work. The way I have gotten threw this is by my faith in christ, he has become my pychiatrist,father, husband.I do go threw emotional journeys and most of the time I can be happy but 1-2 days a week I am depressed over my life, I am sooo lonely and have not been able to go on a date because I am tooo afraid to, especially because of my kids. It has been absolute torture to me to live so alone but I am hoping in 10 years when they are all adults that I can start dating again and hope to find ongoing happiness, I have lived in the same house for 9 years and given my kids a lot of stability. But some times I am disconnected from them emotionally because of my trauma, stress and depression because of this they too have a lot of times where they are screaming fighting and yelling with one another, which furthers my alone depression. Counseling is expensive and has only helped me a bit. So all I can do is perservere and hope for the best for my kids and when they are grown maybe I will be able to date and feel less alone.