For ten months I have been involved with a guy for whom I've magically sustained very strong feelings for despite all the bull. The relationship got rocky after about 6 weeks (which were great), when he had a drastic change in attitude towards me. From there I saw him less, dealt with rude and careless treatment, avoidance and overall annoyance with me. I don't know if he was sleeping with other people. The "dark period" lasted about six months, and during that time I would only see him about 3 times a month at best, and for one entire month- not at all. He would arbitrarily communicate with me for a week straight and other times- the longest- not for three weeks. I unsuccessfully tried to end the relationship numerous times. Then around December, his demeanor changed, he recognized his behavior and apologized for it a number of times. Since then, we talk all the time and I always know I'll hear from him at some point. We haven't argued, since all we ever argued about was his behavior- and seem to be headed to overall greener pastures. We still only see each other about 6 times a month, if I'm lucky. All through this time we still continue to have really superb sex. The thing is, I think he's got to be somewhat indifferent about having me in his life; all because he refuses to see me more often. It's not like he's too busy. And it's always in the back of my mind that he's going to drop out from under me again, even though know he's not going anywhere anytime soon. I don't know if at this point the relationship is still toxic for me and I'm living on eggshells, or if I need to just give it room to grow at the glacial pace it seems to be going because we have to recover from hurt and mistrust that's happened between us?

Glad the sex is good, because it really doesn't sound like an equal relationship. Are you resigned to him treating you this way? Are you happy with things the way they are? If not re evaluate this relationship and figure out what it is you want and how you want to be treated. If your not happy, why are you settling for less?

Room to grow where? You have a relationship that only has one working component - the sex. The rest is emotional garbage. Neurotic is a good word, unbalanced is another. It sounds like he has some major psych problems that should be dealt with medically, and it also sounds like you both need to spend some serious time with a therapist. You for accepting being treated like a whore (remember the good sex part?). He needs help with his mood disorder and a few other things.

Thank you both for your sound advice. I guess I should refer to the 'rules for breaking up' at this point- if ending this can even be considered to be breaking up. Then maybe I won't be such a nutcase anymore by having his hot and cold behavior dictate my moods and how I feel about myself.

I've told him before that's he's treated me like a whore, or a dog or like garbage and obviously his response has been 'i don't think so". I think it kind of brings to light that you can see in a paragraph what I haven't been able to accept myself despite all the neon signs pointing towards the EXIT sign.

You cannot let his moods and indifference to your own emotional needs cloud your vision. I know that is tough. Because you are right in the middle of it and sometimes it is hard to see what anyone can see. Just remember your own self respect should be your number one focus. You want to be treated well - who doesn't? You deserve to be treated better - YES!

Am sorry that this guy does not even come close to nurturing the relationship. Great sex is, well, great but comes too often at a high price. Your own emotional safety.

Yeah, it's pretty funny how much I've justified the way he treats me in the vain hope that he'll end up head over heels in love with me, which is clearly not happening and not going to happen. Even if it does, I already know it's going to be sub-par and nothing close to what I actually want from him. I guess there's no humanly way someone can act the way he has and come around full circle. The hardest part is getting out of thinking 'could have, should have, would have', and accepting that I'm not the girl for him and this entire thing has been a huge, destructive waste of time.

Oh those "could haves, should haves, would haves" - they get us all the time. We start doubting if we even wore the right color socks to go with the jeans. Seriously though, I think you are on the right path here.

There have been several threads posted on how to deal with break-ups in relationships. Full of positive ideas and affirmations. Let me post them for you and you
Can glean what you can use from them.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...kup-78597.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...kup-78597.html
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-123862.html

Here is an article on "Being an Emotional Victim" by Dr. Margaret Paul:
Being an Emotional Victim

Am going to throw in an article on Codependcy:
Codependence/Codependency=A Spiritual dis-ease, disconnection from Spiritual Self

Last, but not least, a big hug to you because I know you really want to be healthy and make wise choices in your relationships.

The situation has gotten a little more complicated; he wants to talk.

I don't know if I am ready to have a conversation with him that doesn't involve me rattling off a laundry list of disappointments, let downs and selfish needs! Obviously there is a part of me that thinks he wants to talk so he can change my mind about pulling out of it, by offering what causes him to be a chronic jerk controlled by his moods.

Do I address the issue as one of an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship- that takes place on his watch only, or do get specific and tell him that all of his fickle behavior and 'push/pull' has finally taken it's toll on me (plus the myriad of other irksome reasons)

I haven't gotten back to him after he texted me last night which might be a first. Should I give him a taste of his own medicine and just remain silent until he seeks the resolve himself?

I would prefer to end this as amicably as possible.

I would remain silent until I had it all straight in my head what I wanted to say. In fact, I would write everything down. What was bothering me, how it made me feel, what I wanted to see happen, and do not leave anything out.

He might be sensing you are fed up and does not want to lose the sexual connection. I hate to think like that, but...

You can text him back and say you are really needing some space right now and have more going on than you can adequately address with him. AS in getting your head on straight and some resolve to make it stick.

I honestly think, you should let him stew in his own juice, while you find a life that makes you happy. You owe him nothing, so act like it. He got what he wanted, and why should you give him a chance to get more of what he wants. Its time to love yourself, and not him.

Reading your post was like looking at myself just about two years ago. I went through a relationship like yours. You will only destroy yourself worth. You will feel worst until you hit rock bottom and realize that you should love yourself more. It took me longer to wake up, I really loved this man or I might have been obsessed with him because he was a doctor. Do not waste your time with him. A relationship should be 50/50. I am now in a wonderful relationship that grows each day with marriage ahead. Can you imagine if I would have stayed in that dark hole, I would have never met this new love.

For anyone is still reading this thread, here's the update: I prepared him for a talk, we had it and I got way more upset while we were talking than I expected. The conversation was all mixed messages "if you want to spend more time together we will, if you think i'm using you i'm not, i like you, i care, i'm not indifferent and i'm glad you're telling me all of this" followed by "i'm going to have to think about this, i don't want to be in a serious relationship (which isn't at ALL what i was asking for), and i have nothing to offer at this point in my life". Confusing? YES.

Two days passed, and suddenly I hit a wall on Monday night (a real one this time) and needed to get out. I basically made him think I found out about other people he's slept with, figuring I'd kill two birds with one stone. One to get rid of him on the basis that I am 'humiliated' and two, besides calling me a few times in the middle of the night that night, I haven't heard a peep from him claiming his innocence otherwise. It's been 3 days, and even though what I did could be construed as manipulative- it was means to an end and I am not trying to get anything out of this anymore.

"One to get rid of him on the basis that i am 'humiliated'", If you had stayed you would have continued to feel like this.

Well... sounds like you resolved it yourself.

Is it wrong to manupulate a manipulator? Eh... more yes than no... just cause I'm a jealous, vindictive irish punk.

At this point its time to think about how things went down and what you'd do differently next time.

I'm all for the man not being a girlfriend. I think each partner needs some space to call their own. My wife has friends I know and like, but I don't hang with... and vice versa. I need my cave time" and "guy time" now and then... and most people want a partner who has enough connections to them to find common ground, but enough differences to be interesting.

so... lesson learned... dont sleep with a guy you are scared to talk to... i know its not that simple... but its also only complicated if we let it be... and you let it be.

lets get back to the OP... you "magically sustained feelings for despite the bull"... clarify this.

And understand, as a person whose had his head up his arse too many times to count... I'm not judging you...

I want to know what this guy had over you. What was special? Was it sexual tension? Looks? Emotional connection? Was it something that was missing in other relationships prior to him?

Id like to talk this out, cause I think you need to understand why you put up with him... was it simply the sex was good enough to hold on?

Again, not judging, says speaks-with-head-up-arse boy.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by wizzlet

for anyone is still reading this thread, here's the update: i prepared him for a talk, we had it and i got way more upset while we were talking than i expected. the conversation was all mixed messages "if you want to spend more time together we will, if you think i'm using you i'm not, i like you, i care, i'm not indifferent and i'm glad you're telling me all of this" followed by "i'm going to have to think about this, i don't want to be in a serious relationship (which isn't at ALL what i was asking for), and i have nothing to offer at this point in my life". Confusing? YES.

Two days passed, and suddenly i hit a wall on monday night (a real one this time) and needed to get out. I basically made him think i found out about other people he's slept with, figuring i'd kill two birds with one stone. One to get rid of him on the basis that i am 'humiliated' and two, besides calling me a few times in the middle of the night that night, i haven't heard a peep from him claiming his innocence otherwise. It's been 3 days, and even though what i did could be construed as manipulative- it was means to an end and i am not trying to get anything out of this anymore.

---

You may have handled the situation differently than most, but you are out of that now, and to be honest don't wait the time will never be just right sometimes, we go into survival mode and just use our last resort to get us out of a tough situation that is detrimental to our well being Never let a problem to be solved become more important than the person to be loved. You did what you had to... just try to stick to your decision.

Lets get back to the OP... you "magically sustained feelings for despite the bull"... clarify this.
And understand, as a person whose had his head up his arse too many times to count... I'm not judging you...
I want to know what this guy had over you. What was special? Was it sexual tension? Looks? Emotional connection? Was it something that was missing in other relationships prior to him?
Id like to talk this out, cause I think you need to understand why you put up with him... was it simply the sex was good enough to hold on?

***
Thanks for the response. I could write a thousand pages on why I put up with it, but to sum it up, I haven't had many relationships. The ones I've had have been not much different than this one, as in; we'll sleep together but the question of it going anywhere is... well, out of the question. So I internalized all of it and never asked. With this guy in particular- we'd hooked up a few time some years ago and then found ourselves in the same social circle and went at it again. Although it was pretty laid back it still seemed to be going, somewhere- anywhere! I never really find myself smitten with anyone, and he just zapped me. No ego inflating intended, but I've got no problem attracting people and have plenty of suitors I just never really find the 'click'- he was familiar territory, insanely good-looking, similar interests, and was as into me as I was him.

I've basically spent the past 8 months trying to get back to those first two when we were wildly pursuing each other. When I take a step back and look at the situation, I know it'll take nuclear war for me not to be attracted to him, but I have to replace the feelings of attraction with my feelings of dissatisfaction and distaste for the way he treats me (I do let myself reminisce a little bit though). That seems to be working for now, an as far as attempting to contact him I do this: figure he's going to decline and opt to arbitrarily see me when he feels so inclined as per usual or think about all the sadness I have in the days after I sleep with him.

Sorry for the long winded answer, but if you're an expert you'd probably want to hear more than less!

I'd suggest reading Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. One of the hallmarks of bad/addictive relationships is good sex. But love making should happen in every room and under every circumstance. You can't just sever the sex off from the rest of the relationship and think that it represents anything. It doesn't. Sometimes it's just an outlet for the tension and that is why it's so "dramatic." Get some counseling, read the book and take care of you.

He only wants to see you at his convenience so NO the relationship will not go anywhere.
You are letting him take advantage of you by not expecting or insisting on compromise.