Ask Me Help Desk - I think I'm an idiot.

:( My ex and I hooked up this weekend. Now we are both confused on what exactly it is we are doing. We actually sat down and had a long talk... I'll be honest... I have no idea what he was saying. He doesn't trust anyone but himself. He has had too many bad realtionships, etc in the past. I am one of the only people he really honestly likes, cares for , n all that stuff - as he says. He doesn't want me to end up getting hurt. He hasn't been in a real relationship in the past few years and he PREFERS it that way - again, his words.

So I told him that I am not looking for a relationship... I just want to have fun. But - I want to have fun with someone that I genuinely care about not some random guy in a bar. So. I told him that right now... lets just have fun and see if it ever does lead anywhere... and if it does - great... if not - that's OK too, at least we will know. I genuinely value his friendship and told him that if the sex causes a problem... let's end it because I would rather not have sex with him than not have him in my life. We are really good friends and talk everyday for a few hours.

So... am I a total idiot for holding out any hope whatsoever? I know that he has really been burned in the past, but he is a great guy and I genuinely care about him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by anamia

So. I told him that right now... lets just have fun and see if it ever does lead anywhere... and if it does - great... if not - that's ok too,

It sounds like you aren't entirely sure about this. The "if not - that's ok too." part. I think you need to be true to yourself. If you know that you would regret not giving it a try again with him then go for it, but be prepared you may get hurt. It sounds like he has a lot of demons to fight on his own. You may not be able to help him fight them, it may be something he has to do on his own. Do I think you are an idiot? Well, if I did I would have to call myself one too and I get insulted enough.:p You may want to read jolienoire's Relationship Rules post. She really has some great advice. Read it over and see if you can apply any or all of it to your situation. In the end, you have to do what you think is best for you and your situation, then deal with the consequences, good or bad.:o

Quote:

Originally Posted by anamia

:( My ex and I hooked up this weekend. Now we are both confused on what exactly it is we are doing. We actually sat down and had a long talk.... I'll be honest... I have no idea what he was saying. He doesnt trust anyone but himself. He has had too many bad realtionships, etc in the past. I am one of the only people he really honestly likes, cares for , n all that stuff - as he says. He doesnt want me to end up getting hurt. He hasnt been in a real relationship in the past few years and he PREFERS it that way - again, his words.

So I told him that I am not looking for a relationship... I just want to have fun. But - I want to have fun with someone that I genuinely care about not some random guy in a bar. So. I told him that right now... lets just have fun and see if it ever does lead anywhere... and if it does - great... if not - that's ok too, at least we will know. I genuinely value his friendship and told him that if the sex causes a problem... let's end it because I would rather not have sex with him than not have him in my life. We are really good friends and talk everyday for a few hours.

So... am I a total idiot for holding out any hope whatsoever? I knwo that he has really been burned in the past, but he is a great guy and I genuinely care about him.

First mistake "let's have fun" means booty call no strings attach... Even though you are saying you just want to have fun.. I can tell you would like to be in a relationship with him... The reality here is sex is not advisable and he needs time to heal... LISTEN to exactly what a man TELLS you because he means it... Don't try to change him, and don't make yourself seem desperate... You may still have a chance if you don't say something like that again... keep the friendship be there emotionally for him, and don't always be available as well.. It is not your fault that he has trust issues.. That is something he has to work out on his own...
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Quote:

Originally Posted by anamia

:( So I told him that I am not looking for a relationship... I just want to have fun. But - I want to have fun with someone that I genuinely care about not some random guy in a bar.

Seems to me you made this statement specifically so he can feel trust for you... You should want to have sex with someone you care about and who care about you in turn and who wants a relationship

Quote:

Originally Posted by FallenFromGrace

It sounds like you aren't entirely sure about this. The "if not - that's ok too." part. I think you need to be true to yourself. If you know that you would regret not giving it a try again with him then go for it, but be prepared you may get hurt. It sounds like he has a lot of demons to fight on his own. You may not be able to help him fight them, it may be something he has to do on his own. Do I think you are an idiot? Well, if I did I would have to call myself one too and I get insulted enough.:p You may want to read jolienoire's Relationship Rules post. She really has some great advice. Read it over and see if you can apply any or all of it to your situation. In the end, you have to do what you think is best for you and your situation, then deal with the consequences, good or bad.:o

Thanks... only if I really had all the answers... It would be dangerous.. lol

I really think your better friends, than lovers, as he is the one confused, so stop the sex, and go back to talking. He has said he isn't at all ready for a relationship, so let that be a fair warning to protect your own heart.He needs a lot of time to get over his past, so let him. No, your not an idiot, just looking for love with someone who can't give you what you want. Sorry.

Thanks. I appreciate all the advice.

Well you only half mean what you are saying. You want the comfort of something familiar, and the pleasure of the hookup.. all of which are reasonable things to feel. But you aren't really, really OK with the "terms"

Lord knows I've done some stupid things because I didn't want to be bored, lonely, or go without.

The danger here is you are most likely willing to spin your wheels for a time for the pleasure and comfort... and when you actually get traction and decide you need more than this, you will have gotten nowhere emotionally... still in the same spot...

Having to deal with being alone and having to deal with the "failures" of the relationship prepare you for the next one. The longer you cling on to this one, the longer it will probably be before you are ready for the next one.

When I had a six year relationship crash and burn, first big love, I didn't date for almost a year and a half. Had to get my head together... and out of my arse. That took time.

The next few loves that were lost took less time to get over... seems I had the emotional skills to know what to hold onto and what to kick to the curb. Still made mistakes, but I think you get better at taking a punch after those first few blows.

So... it isn't "wrong"... maybe something will be there... but it probably is against the odds. If you were content with the "terms" id say OK maybe, but you aren't. Any chance that you just want another try, and then the ability to leave on your own terms again? I know one person who did that... tried a last hurrah and then felt better when she seemed empowered to back off knowing there was no more to be done.

Just watch the time. I wasted over a year on a relationship that was stagnant. I know a woman who has spent over 10 years on and off with an ex she can't shake. The sex is apparently through the roof, but they just aren't a good match. So she gets laid and then screwed in the head. Its not pretty, and she never said "i wish i could get emotionally caught in a destructive cycle that gets harder and harder to break every year ive invested"

I had a fantastic time with a girl who wanted a "no strings attached" relationship. I could date other girls. No commitments whatsoever... well, I never did date others, we ended up being bf/gf... the sex was fantastic and the company was a joy, she was so much fun... but when she eventually cheated behind my back, it wasn't a huge surprise, and I didn't need to cling. I knew what I had possibly signed up for.

So you know what you are signing up for... inconsistent physical and emotional relief that will likely be hollow in time, and not enough to satiate you. Maybe that's enough for a little time, but I think you demand more for yourself.

Don't be afraid to hurt, be alone, and be mad about the failures. Not fun. Not sexy. But it gets you ready for the next good relationship.