Ask Me Help Desk - Confidence.Where has it gone? How to get it back?

Basically I need some tips on how to get my confidence back up. For those who don't know my girlfriend split up with me about 3 months ago now from a nrly 4 yr relationship which came completely utterly out the blue and my confidence in myself is at zero. I keep thinking she dumped me because she thought she could find someone better - is that irrational?

As far as trying to get my confidence back up I go to the gym 3x a week, salsa dancing 1x or 2x a week and karate the same. I go out with my friends fairly often clubbing/pubs but I don't have anyone to go out with weekly or whatever to a club who is single which would b nice.

My conversation skills used to be great.. I used to do sales dammit.. a top salesman at that, I felt I could talk to anyone and make anyone laugh and interested in what I had to say. Now I feel like a 3rd leg, that I'm not really adding to anything by being in a group, and that I have nothing to offer. Talking to girls is got really hard and feels completely forced, I don't feel relaxed. I just feel my personality has completely changed and I can't do anything about it and I don't like who I've become so why would anybody else.

Well I study psychology and on paper it sounds like I have depression lol... But I see a counselor every week... (its free with the uni haha). But I don't know... when I'm out I feel better.. im just not comfortable. I want to ask girls out and go for dates but I just think there's no point because they won't b interested. Yep feeling sorry for myself.. sorry. Any tips to get over this crappy feeling muchly appreciated.

Do you think that you just need more time to deal with the breakup? It can take a while to feel like you used to, especially if you guys were together for almost 4 years. It's really good you're seeing a counselor, so good for you! As far as getting confidence, the only advice I can give is to take "baby steps". You know, just ease into social situations/talking to girls and see how it goes. If you aren't ready yet, don't rush yourself. There is nothing wrong with being single for a little while until you feel ready.

Did your ex tell you why she broke up with you? In my experience it helps to have a little "pep talk" for yourself every morning. Tell yourself "I am a wonderful person and I love myself. I am confident and strong." I know it sounds dorky, but sometimes just spending a few minutes to reenforce that positive way of thinking helps. Try to accept that it just wasn't meant to be (the relationship with the ex) and focus on your future. I know it's easier said than done! But it sounds like you are on the right track. It's good you are keeping busy, going out with friends, and seeing a counselor. So hang in there, keep doing what you are doing, and give it some time. I hope you feel better soon!

I think that you need to let go of the emotions relating to your former girlfriend. I think as for your confidence, you need to work on improving your self-image, maybe you could use affirmations, or visualizations I find some visualizations really helpful at building my self-confidence. Not only saying nice things or thinking nice things about yourself but also doing things, I think it's great you go to the gym. I think it's really important you keep busy, with things that you enjoy accept that it wasn't meant to be with that person, and relax. As for the social situations I think be authentic, and relax, maybe you could develop your interests, like going to clubs, the dance is great I think because you meet people with similar interests, therefore you have a connection already in a way. I think also maybe you could read books on how to make friends and conversations. Also maybe you could do some amateur dramatic society to help you to develop your social confidence. I think with the girls, well you never know you are making a assumption that they won't be interested. I think you could be more optismtic, I think you could have a better self-esteem. I think that the counselling might help you to understand yourself better, maybe you could keep a journal of things you are grateful for, each day write out things that you are happy for. That might make you feel happier, and maybe you could also write personal qualities about yourself that you like. You might feel more confident and maybe be happier too.

Thanks for the posts guys much appreciated. I'll try these things. Any other tips are welcome as is anybody else going through a similar thing! Would be nice to know Im not the only one.

You must realise, you had a lot of time, and emotion invested in to those 4 plus years, and it will take a lot of time, to fill the hole in your soul. You may be still in somewhat of a daze, wondering who you are, and be questioning yourself after this break up, and afraid of jumping back into the life you once had, because you are a long way removed from it. So be patient with yourself, and more proactive with your healing process, as slowly you will get it back, and be able to learn from the experience, and move on, and even be eager to be happy with yourself again, as that's the bottom line. Learning to be happy with just little ol' YOU. How? By doing the things you enjoy, that make you happy. By being good to yourself, and treating yourself well. It takes time and a lot of work, so roll up your sleeves and get busy. Start by telling the one you see in the mirror, I LOVE YOU. (corney but effective, if done everyday)

Quote:

Originally Posted by wot2do

Basically I need some tips on how to get my confidence back up. For those who don't know my gf split up with me about 3 months ago now from a nrly 4 yr relationship which came completely utterly out the blue and my confidence in myself is at zero. I keep thinking she dumped me because she thought she could find someone better - is that irrational?

As far as trying to get my confidence back up I go to the gym 3x a week, salsa dancing 1x or 2x a week and karate the same. I go out with my friends fairly often clubbing/pubs but I dont have anyone to go out with weekly or whatever to a club who is single which would b nice.

My conversation skills used to be great..i used to do sales dammit..a top salesman at that, i felt i could talk to anyone and make anyone laugh and interested in what i had to say. Now i feel like a 3rd leg, that im not really adding to anything by being in a group, and that i have nothing to offer. Talking to girls is got really hard and feels completely forced, i dont feel relaxed. I just feel my personality has completely changed and I can't do anything about it and i dont like who ive become so why would anybody else.

Well i study psychology and on paper it sounds like i have depression lol...But I see a councellor every week...(its free with the uni haha). But i dunno...when i'm out i feel better..im just not comfortable. I want to ask girls out and go for dates but i just think theres no point cus they wont b interested. Yep feeling sorry for myself..sorry. Any tips to get over this crappy feeling muchly appreciated.

I think to get confidence back is to love yourself and to always give yourself positive feedback!