Ask Me Help Desk - Slept with Ex. Now what?

Slept with Ex. Now what?

Hi. My ex from 5 years ago came down and spent the weekend with me. We really had a good time. I admit, there were those horribly awkward moments, but we survived. We ended up having really amazing, passionate, wow-where-did-the-time-go-sex. Immediately afterward, he looked as if he was about to cry. I have no idea what was up with that and I didn't ask. He is a pretty sensitive guy and I didn't want to venture into any serious emotional territory while naked. :)

Ok, so here is the really sticky part. I am pretty certain that I still love him. I never stopped really. I have always compared other guys to him and when we are together, it just feels right.

We had a fairly nasty breakup in 2002 and regained a friendship in 2004. We talk everyday and he called me the night he left my place and we talked for 3 hours. He wants to come back down, but here is the thing... I have no clue what he thinks we are doing. Hell, I don't even know what we are doing. Are we friends with benefits? How do I bring it up? Do I bring it up? I'm not looking for marriage and all that jazz - I am pretty career driven right now. I enjoy our friendship. I want to maintain that, but if there is the chance of taking it to the next level, I can't turn it down. He is a really great guy but I know if I am more invested than he is, I am going to end up SO hurt in the long run that I don't think our friendship will be salvagable. I can be his friend or at the risk of sounding trivial, I can be his girlfriend, but I don't have it in me to be his friend with benefits. So... what would you do?

(I would really like some signs or something I could pick up on to gauge his interest as opposed to having a seriously long heart to heart... but I'll do whatever is best)

Thanks!

It might be difficult but I think you have to sit down and tell him pretty much what you told us. He might feel the same way and is trying to find a way of approaching you with it, and is also afraid of your reaction, just like you're afraid of his. I think he might surprise you once you sit down and discuss this, he might be feeling exactly the same as you are.

Why did you break up, what was nasty, what were the exact issue that caused the break up. List them and then if you want to try and work out a relastionship, talk and see if any of those original issues still exist

I think both the previous posts are good advice. If you feel that you want a relationship, tell him so. Tell him that you need to know how he feels because you don't want to get hurt again. Talking about it will make sure you are both on the same page so that neither one of you gets hurt.

Thanks. I really appreciate all the advice. We broke up because I was still in college, 21/22 years old and I was really nervous that I cared so much for this guy. I never wanted to get married, etc and I could see that we were both really invested. I was also in a sorority which he didn't particularly care for lol. So he was always a good guy. No cheating or anything like that. We were just in such different places in our lives.

Oh - and it was a nasty breakup because he got hostile after we broke up... hurt feelings I suppose. He liked to call me to remind me I was a lol.

Just make sure that you are both on the same page as far as how serious you want the relationship to be. Sounds like he's a decent guy. I hope it works out!

Quote:

(I would really like some signs or something I could pick up on to gauge his interest as opposed to having a seriously long heart to heart... but I'll do whatever is best)

Its best to have that long serious talk, and be as honest with him as you are with us. Beware, throwing sex into the equations causes big problems.