Ask Me Help Desk - Nothing is changing

:confused: Ok all here goes. I have no clue where to start. I have been with my partner for ten years and married for four. He is a very decent man. He does not beat me or verbally abuse me, at least not very often(verbal abuse). We have a 3 year old son. The problem is I am very unhappy in my marriage and I don't know how to get out without any money. I practically forced him to marry me, he laughed when I brought it up the first time. I am a stay at home mom because we can afford it but barely. I am so unhappy because I'm not sure I even love him anymore and I am sick of walking on eggshells. I have to make sure everything is perfect or if something is out of place I get THAT look. He doesn't even let the dog drink water because he has acid reflux, as soon as he starts lapping his bowl, he says slow down stupid. Oh god I hope no one that knows us reads this. LOL I am not perfect, yes I have my share of faults and no I have no life outside of home because there is no one to watch my 3 year old. My problem is without being physically abused I don't see any way to get help to get out of it. He is constantly telling me this is his house and his stuff, it was here when I came, at least most of it. Stuff that I used to let roll off my back is now starting to really just tick me off. I don't talk because I am afraid I am going to blow up. We have had the same arguments for years and nothing changes. If anyone would like anything specifics confused just ask and I will let you know. But the big question is how do I leave without any money and since I have a roof over my head, food in my mouth, and clothes on my back, should I just continue to stick it out or what? I know there are people worse off than me. I was all around abused by my first husband. Since I am not being abused and I have the normal things in life should I upset my 3 year old by leaving or is it worse letting him see his mother so unhappy? Thank you for listening.

Life is all about happiness. If you don't have it 100% of the time, the solution must be to get a divorce. Counseling for couples might only slow you down enough for the door to hit you in the A$$ on your way out.

Thank heavens you don't have a job, or any income, to give yourself pride in contributing to the relationship so that you've been able to stay home with your child feeling isolated and underappreciated... despite your "partners" footing the entire bill... It must be his fault that you interpret his looks as some critical assessment of your performance... You certainly won't be subjected to any judmental looks if you find a way out of your second marriage through the welfare system.

Or, hopefully, you'll not fall into believing all of the above. You might try to think of things differently. Think of ways to feel more appreciated. He wouldn't have worked so hard all this time so you could stay home... if he didn't appreciate you... Figure out ways for you to get more involved... Make the relationship seem fresh again...

All relationships have highs and lows. The ball is in your court to figure out how to make the game more enjoyable. Couples counseling might provide the new game plan... not by blaming either one of you for anything, but only to bring in new rules and ideas.

Quote:

Originally Posted by oneguyinohio

Life is all about happiness. If you don't have it 100% of the time, the solution must be to get a divorce. Counseling for couples might only slow you down enough for the door to hit you in the A$$ on your way out.

Thank heavens you don't have a job, or any income, to give yourself pride in contributing to the relationship so that you've been able to stay home with your child feeling isolated and underappreciated... despite your "partners" footing the entire bill... It must be his fault that you interpret his looks as some critical assessment of your performance... You certainly won't be subjected to any judmental looks if you find a way out of your second marriage through the welfare system.

Or, hopefully, you'll not fall into believing all of the above. You might try to think of things differently. Think of ways to feel more appreciated. He wouldn't have worked so hard all this time so you could stay home... if he didn't appreciate you... Figure out ways for you to get more involved ... Make the relationship seem fresh again...

All relationships have highs and lows. The ball is in your court to figure out how to make the game more enjoyable. Couples counseling might provide the new game plan... not by blaming either one of you for anything, but only to bring in new rules and ideas.

My not having a job was his choice because he makes good money, but always claims we never have any. And we tried marriage counseling years ago and he wouldn't go anymore because the counselor insisted he let me talk when he would constantly interrupt me. I am sorry if I am wrong, but I feel as if your judging me, and you don't know the entire situation. No I do not believe that I need to be happy 100% of the time. But you try walking on eggshells all the time and see how it feels, and I don't believe divorce is always the answer, but with more helpful comments, maybe I could figure out how to fix it instead of judgements.

You have a valid point that my post may have come across as judgemental. Nothing personal was intended. My statements are obviously colored by my past experiences with an ex- who controlled things in her own way for her own happiness and thought not about others... namely me...

I did mean to say something about the feelings of walking on egg shells. I still feel that way anytime I am around my ex-. I have tried to figure out if that is something within me that I can work on. I do not like controversy or to fight about stuff which it seems like you may be similar in that way because you expressed not wanting to say something to him for fear that you might blow up. I hate verbal arguments and yelling... perhaps that is a product of former abuse when the yelling begins it isn't long before the physical abuse might follow...

Keeping those feelings bottled up inside is very hard. I don't know your relationship or if there is any way to share those feelings with him in a safe way, but that is what I was thinking that counseling could help with. If he will hear it. My ex- chose not to hear anything from my perspective. Said it wouldn't make a difference, and made her choice. Your case is not quite the same, but hopefully there will be some means of getting the communication going between the two of you.

OK here is just a few quick easy samples of what I go through. I clean the house and he recleans it because its not done right, after all can't I even do that right. The floor I vacuumed is still dirty. I live like a ni**** because I put my pajamas on the end of the bed instead of in the drawer. Plus I am a worthless piece of sh**. There are more and yes I can deal with this most of the time, but should I have to and at what cost?

Abuse is abuse. There is no stopping it unless he wants to change. Get out! Get to someplace safe. There are shelters for battered and abused women, find one and move out.

If your husband is not willing to seek help through counselling and is not willing to change
His controlling, manipulative and obsessive behavior, I believe you will truly be better off out of this marriage. As 450donn said, abuse is abuse, and what he is doing is emotional abuse. The bruises are deep inside and unseen by others.

You must have friends or family who would be willing to help you out. You say you have no money? Find it, save it, start squirreling it away. There must be valuables in the house that you don't want/need anymore that you can sell (I know this is dishonest but it is for you and your daughters new start). Plan and prepare everything in advance.

Can you honestly live like this for the rest of your life just for a roof, food and clothing. Your daughter needs to grow up in a healthy loving and caring environment! Not one where you are unhappy and scared, and a father who nit picks everying, children pick up on disharmony too.

First of all, you ARE being abused. The way he treats you is abusive even if he never puts a hand on you.

There is no such thing as "very decent" who verbally abuses "sometimes". If you verbally abuse EVER you are not decent, let alone very decent. There is NO place for any abuse in a healthy relationship. He doesn't sound decent to me. He sounds like controlling, manipulative, invalidating, soul stealing jerk.

You are teaching your duaghter that it is okay to be treated like this. Find money, find a part time job, do what you need to get out. It's not okay to be treated like this. It's not good, it's not decent and it's not okay.

In most states you can file for temporary orders and he would have to support you. Find a lawyer that offers free consultation and speak to him or her.

This is no way to live.

Donn is right you need to grab up your son one morning right after he leaves for work and go to a shelter. Most places have Salvation Army's that can assist you. You might want to call places and get the best plan for you before you leave cause if you go and have to come back and he questions you it would likely get ugly.
Or get a lawyer and do as susan says but make calls first and get a feel for what the laws and circumstances are. Where I live the police say if there are no physical bruises you can not get a restraining order to keep him from coming back to the house if you did manage to get him to leave.

He is controlling you with emotional blackmail and verbal abuse. HE deserves better, HE wants this and that has to be just so... or else!
He sees you as a subservient to him leave and tell him to hire a maid cause that is all he is looking for.

Sweetheart you need to get out of there and this dude needs some serious help!! Go to a shelter or maybe some friends or family can help you out

Quote:

Originally Posted by sad and unhappy

:confused: Ok all here goes. I have no clue where to start. I have been with my partner for ten years and married for four. He is a very decent man. He does not beat me or verbally abuse me, atleast not very often(verbal abuse). We have a 3 year old son. The problem is I am very unhappy in my marriage and I don't know how to get out without any money. I practically forced him to marry me, he laughed when I brought it up the first time. I am a stay at home mom because we can afford it but barely. I am so unhappy because I'm not sure I even love him anymore and I am sick of walking on eggshells. I have to make sure everything is perfect or if something is out of place I get THAT look. He doesn't even let the dog drink water because he has acid reflux, as soon as he starts lapping his bowl, he says slow down stupid. Oh god I hope no one that knows us reads this. LOL I am not perfect, yes I have my share of faults and no I have no life outside of home because there is no one to watch my 3 year old. My problem is without being physically abused I don't see any way to get help to get out of it. He is constantly telling me this is his house and his stuff, it was here when I came, atleast most of it. Stuff that I used to let roll off my back is now starting to really just tick me off. I don't talk because I am afraid I am going to blow up. We have had the same arguments for years and nothing changes. If anyone would like anything specifics confused just ask and I will let you know. But the big question is how do I leave without any money and since I have a roof over my head, food in my mouth, and clothes on my back, should I just continue to stick it out or what? I know there are people worse off than me. I was all around abused by my first husband. Since I am not being abused and I have the normal things in life should I upset my 3 year old by leaving or is it worse letting him see his mother so unhappy? Thank you for listening.

The first thing you need to do is check into getting your child into a mother's day out program. Tell your husband that it's good for the child, which it is, then when you have a few hours, figure out what kind of job you can get. Don't stay at home, I did, I worked from home for awhile which was nice, but I finally got a job. YOU have to take care of YOU before you can move on. Use whatever resources you have to get confidence in yourself. I've been in your world, where everything was his or you felt like it is because you don't work outside of motherhood. Hang in there, be strong and focus on what you really want. You might have to deal with staying for awhile until you get your feet on solid ground, but just be tough and pray.