Ask Me Help Desk - Am I overreacting

I have been dating this guy for about 5 years now.He was out of the country for 7 months for educational purposes last year. After he has come back things have changed in a way that now he is only focused on his career.he says that the relationship is a priority for him, but his career comes first.I just feel really insecure about the realationship right now.Also, there is a friend of his who has a soft corner for him.They constatntly keep in touch over fone and via messages, she lives in a different state, but they met during the 7 months that he was out. She knows about me.She was in town recently and they met up with a lot of common friends and went out a lot.he says that he does not want to introduce me to thoses frineds because we have too many common friends right now.I have a feeling that there is something else going on.But I don't want to confront him about this girl because he will think I am overreacting.I don't know what to do I constantly think about whether she will be calling him or not.and since they are in the same field of work there is a chance that ehy will end up working in the same place. This insecurity that I feel is eating me up inside and is affecting my daily life.I don't know how to cope with it

You have been together for five years but not married. Correct? Are you living together? It differs in states but are you married by common law in the state you live in? Are there children involved?

I am "old school" but I see red flags popping up all over the place. There is a saying, "What you tolerate now will be what destroys you later". I am all for having friends as we go through life, however, the kicker for me here is the following:

She knows about me. She was in town recently and they met up with a lot of common friends and went out a lot. He says that he does not want to introduce me to those friends cos we have too many common friends right now.I have a feeling that there is something else going on.

Trust your instincts.

How do you know she knows about you? Did he tell you or have you met her, spoken with her on the phone, etc. When two people have been together for five years and one decides not to include the other one when they go out with a group of friends for the reason he gave, another red flag.

Why after five years with this man, would you not feel you have the right to confront or ask him about this girl? Where is the communication between the two of you? Five years is a long time to have a relationship with a person and not feel a freedom to discuss any subject. Why put yourself through all this torment. Ask. If he gets defensive and huffy with you or tries to make you feel guilty, you have your answer but that is just my opinion. I am sure others will have some great advice. If the relationship between you two was open and good before now, you have to look at the catalyst that changed the relationship.

I am not saying end it right now but please watch for the red flags, communicate and if this girl and he have something going, get out before you get so beat down, you don't feel the freedom to leave the relationship. It doesn't sound good to me. I have friends of the opposite sex. Nothing wrong with that unless it begins to affect the relationship with the person you have a commitment to. When that relationship becomes less important than the new person, time to make some heavy duty choices. I wish you well in this.

I wish I could tell you not to worry, that I am sure nothing is going on but just can't on this one. Just communicate. There may not be anything but just talk to him. You deserve peace of mind. Don't sell yourself short! Be good to yourself.

Trust what jrebel has to say. There are big red flashing lights going off all around you. Just that you felt you needed to ask if you're over-reacting means you have something in your gut that is telling you that something is definitely wrong here. Always, always trust your gut!

I wish I had done that before I saw it with my own eyes. I knew, but I just didn't want to admit it to myself. Afterwards I was left feeling horrible betrayal and a great loss of self esteem. I find it hard to trust people now, and don't give men a fighting chance to even get to know me because I trusted my ex would never do the things he did, and it changed how I view men now.

Please hun, listen to your instincts and ask questions so you don't find yourself in my situation. It isn't a pretty one, and hurts a lot more to find out later and then having the knowledge that it was all a big lie. Trust me on that one!

Good luck to you!

Hey,Thanks for the reply Jrebel7.We are not living together or married and there are no children involved.I did take your advice and ask him.He assured me that they are just friends.He did not get defensive or anything.I have spoken to her on the phone, and I know that she knows about us.He assured me that nothing is going on and that I should not be feeling that way.I do believe him because I would know if he was lying or trying to make things up.We spoke extensivley about this, I even teased him about this he took it sportingly and did not get angry or anything.I know I was not overreacting and will look out for such warning signs in the future and COMMUNICATE with him about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Apz

Hey,Thanks for the reply Jrebel7.We are not living together or married and there are no children involved.I did take ure advice and ask him.He assured me that they are just friends.He did not get defensive or anything.I have spoken to her on the phone, and i know that she knows about us.He assured me that nothing is going on and that i should not be feeling that way.I do beleive him cos i would know if he was lying or trying to make things up.We spoke extensivley about this, i even teased him about this he took it sportingly and did not get angry or anything.I know i was not overreacting and will look out for such warning signs in the future and COMMUNICATE with him about it.

Good for you! I am proud of you for being upfront with him and communicating. It sounds like he welcomed the communication and took part in that with you. Perhaps this needed to happen if only to open up communication between the two of you. Thank you for posting again and updating us! Sounds like things went well.

If you begin feeling this way again, just don't forget how important communication is between two people who love each other. Trust your instincts, always!

I am happy I was of some help! I wish you the best. :)