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I feel like my boyfriend controls me and he knows he can. Whenever he does something wrong its never his fault. He always says I'm the one overreacting, and I'm the one who started the fight. Usually we get along and I love him but I don't want him to think he can manipulate me. I try telling him this but he turns it around on me. What should I do to make him realize he can't take me for granted?
Sounds like he has trouble taking responsibility for his own actions. You can be very assertive, stand your ground. He is likely to get worse though with age. Is manipulation something you are willing to live with every day?
You need to not let him tell you what to feel, if you feel mad at him for something then you have every right to. Nothing he says should make you twist that anger towards yourself, discuss this with him firmly and make your point be known
Control freaks only grow with time, and become like a bad virus that is hard to cure.
You have taken an awesome step... you've recognized that this is a problem.
Now, you need to stand your ground. Don't let him manipulate you. Don't give him your power, darlin. It's yours.
Tell him that he can't take you for granted, that you're a wonderful, amazing, awesome person, and he should respect you. Then stand your ground. Stand behind yourself :) If he can't/won't respect your wishes to respect you, then you need to decide if you want to deal with this, like simoneaugie says, for the rest of your life.
Take back your power!
Keep your chin up hon. You deserve a man that treats you like the angel you are!
Leave, today, right now. Then you have broken his hold over you, and cannot manipulate you.
To expect him to change is unwise, and unrealistic.
He is a controlling person by nature. Maybe he got it from his parents? Who knows.Quote:
Originally Posted by Logansgirl
I would tell him you needed a break from him. Take a bit of time off and truly examine who you are and want to be. Get some time to make your own decisions and see how it feels not to be controlled. You may find you do not really need him at all .
If you really find you want to work it out with him after this , tell him you would like to
Go to counseling with him. If he really loves and respects you , he will go.
If nothing changes you have to move on. It will hurt at first , but you will find that you are much happier in the long run.
I had similar experience. If you give in, he won't change and will only get worsen. Would be good if you could distant yourself from him, better still if you could free yourself from him, best if you could leave him for good. If he doesn't change, you change. He could be as controlling as he wants but you don't need to acknowledge him and just do what you should/need to do. At the end you'll see that he is just a crazy person yelling on the street.
I was once that "manipulating bastard".
This is mainly because I thought I was golden... so I never thought I did anything wrong. I made my girlfriends feel bad for their mistakes... and sometimes, mine.
I met one girl that changed this ENTIRE thing for me.
Once, something happened that was both of our faults... and I ended up getting mad at her and blaming most of it on her. I downplayed my faults, and accentuated hers. For some reason, she just stopped talking to me. COMPLETELY. She didn't talk to me for 3 days. This drove me... INSANE. I blew up, lost it, completely. The entire time, she was calm. Just didn't talk to me. After the 5th day, she sent me an e-mail describing exactly what had happened, and my faults along with hers. She admitted her faults, but also told me that it was equally mine. She said that she wouldn't talk to me until we can have a civil discussion. I'd bring my side, without her interrupting. Then she'd respond to what I said without me interrupting. Then vice versa. Until I agreed to do so, she said we would not talk.
I caved. I talked to her. At the end of this conversation, I was still a bit skeptical... but talking to her and listening to her side, and actually putting myself in her shoes, I realized that it was BOTH of our faults. I do everything I can now to put myself in the other person's shoes. It's hard as hell, but I try.
He loves that power of manipulation over you. He is better at debating/fighting than you are. When you two talk, he holds control. So do what you do best. Be silent. Agree with him, and tell him, "you're right, it is my fault." then stay silent. Don't talk to him for a day... maybe 2... maybe 3. this "may" drive him insane. Then after he loses it (if he does), and once he's calm, approach him with a gesture to talk, but a civil one. No manipulation. Not one-sided, but a discussion. And tell him to shut the hell up when YOU talk.
Best of luck.
I am in the same boat! I realized over time and listening to my friends talk about their men doing the same thing that when people are in denial or feel guilty about something they turn it around so you will feel bad for them or bad about yourself and drop it. They do not change. It is almost as addictive as lying to someone to get out of being blamed for something.. these kinds of people are the reason why I am scared to ever get married if they are doing this much now think of how much worse it will get when they "own" you by a ring on your finger. Ugh it makes me sickQuote:
Originally Posted by Logansgirl
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