Ask Me Help Desk - My husband wanted me to abort marriage on the rocks

Pardon the long post... but I need someone to talk to...

I was pregnant, and I told him.. Didn't get the reaction I expected from him in fact our relationship has changed drastically, he insisted that I get an abortion because it just isn't the right time for him/us and mostly because of his family long story short they never approved of our relationship because we are culturally different I am biracial african american/Italian who was married and had children already he is italian he was also married before but never had children but despite the fact that they didn't want us to be together we stayed together and recently got married it will be a year in MAY. Although we are married I feel as though they still have control over us and that he base his choices to please them and I feel that because of his decision to go against their will and marry me he punishes me for his distance between his family. He has isolated himself from me and has not been supportive at all of my pregnancy, he stressed me out so much that even though I wanted to have our child I felt alone, and had an abortion last week. I have been extremely depressed, suffering from anxiety and for the most part I feel so miserable, I want to get a divorce because of this. I need someone to talk to besides the counselor I have been seeing who is not helping much with my feelings. I feel guilty I feel I did something terrible and don't think I can forgive myself my first abortion and last. My situation is so different from the women I talk to because this is my husband not just a boyfriend but my life partner.. The day we went to get the procedure I wanted him so badly to say he wanted to have the baby.. the drive he said nothing to me, after going inside and having it done, he then begin talking to me again he treated me like never before... that same night that I had the procedure he went to a family event without me and got into it with his parents and told his mother she made him do something he didn't want to do she called me to see what he was talking about I didn't mention it to her and told her to talk to her son he doesn't know she called me to find out the deets and what he said to her, so now I know why he made me abort I feel betrayed and angry with myself and him, I should have kept our child and left him. I feel at loss both ways no child and close to having a failed marriage again...

While I was at home absorbing what I just had done, he came home that night and when I met him half way to the door he dropped to the floor and started expressing his emotions... crying and apologizing for his decision expressing he doesn't want to loose me and wishing he would have never acted the way he did.. WHy couldn't he do this before the procedure, then I wouldn't be so miserable despite his efforts to try to please me now and make our marriage work I want nothing more but to leave. Its been a week after my procedure and there should have been no sex for 2 weeks, and I never bled after the abortion, so we had sex again ( I know I shouldn't have done it had sex against doctors orders and especially because I can get pregnant but I did trying to please him and my urge to have another baby) he knows I am not on any contraceptives and we didn't use protection and he did ejacualte inside of me.. we had sex twice. I think he is trying to get me pregnant again I am so confused
I hope its not to satisfy me or to make up for what he has put me through or maybe because he is feeling guilty. I don't know what he wants. I don't know what to expect right now... Then today he made a comment like I should have never done that, I am not ready for a child... He is putting me through so much... I feel torn this is my husband I am suppose to work it out with him we took vows, I don't know what to do its 6 in the morning and I am up... I haven't slept good in a week... I don't know what to do... I don't want to go through another divorce but I don't want to be in a unfulfilling relationship, counseling hasn't helped either... :(

The situation that you are in is terrible. I'm sorry to hear about the abortion. Having abortion is one of the hardest choices a woman has to make. It is very hard on a relationship emotionally, physically and spiritually. To be honest with you I think you made the right choice.

You have serious issues with the marriage and having more children could only make matters worse of you and the children.

First, you have to stop trying to bear the sole responsibility of the marriage success and failure. It sounds like you are bringing 100% to the table it is your husband that is coming up short.

Second, you stated that your husbands' side of the family has issue with the marriage. 1: Mixed with Black and white. 2: You were divorced and had children.

Understand that there is nothing you or your husband can do about their feelings about you or this marriage. However, it is your husband responsibility to make sure you are treated with respect and acceptance in spite of their feelings.

What will happen in this case if you decide to have children with this man? Will their transfer the behavior to your children? Will his family isolate your children?

Finally, I don't think this relationship is worth saving because someone who understands what love is wouldn't leave his wife in perhaps the marriages' darkest hour. He should have been there to comfort you tell you that he would never put you in this situation again.

If you want to save the repair this marriage I suggest you and husband seek serious counseling. He ready needs to MAN UP! A marriage is a joint union between two people. The union should exclude everyone else. This inludes me.

Marriedguy said it well.

Your husband is not man enough to have gotten married. He is married to his family and especially to his mother. HE IS NOT MARRIED TO YOU. This sort of marriage is not going to work well until he learns how to be your husband and put you and himself first.

His family values can only hurt all of the present children very deeply. I suggest you protect your children from their hate. How many more abortions are you going to have to endure?

I suggest you talk to a counselor who can help you figure out if he is a mamma's boy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marriedguy

The situation that you are in is terrible. I'm sorry to hear about the abortion. Having abortion is one of the hardest choices a woman has to make. It is very hard on a relationship emotionally, physically and spiritually. To be honest with you I think you made the right choice.

You have serious issues with the marriage and having more children could only make matters worse of you and the children.

First, you have to stop trying to bear the sole responsibility of the marriage success and failure. It sounds like you are bringing 100% to the table it is your husband that is coming up short.

Second, you stated that your husbands’ side of the family has issue with the marriage. 1: Mixed with Black and white. 2: You were divorced and had children.

Understand that there is nothing you or your husband can do about their feelings about you or this marriage. However, it is your husband responsibility to make sure you are treated with respect and acceptance in spite of their feelings.

What will happen in this case if you decide to have children with this man? Will their transfer the behavior to your children? Will his family isolate your children?

Finally, I don’t think this relationship is worth saving because someone who understands what love is wouldn’t leave his wife in perhaps the marriages’ darkest hour. He should have been there to comfort you tell you that he would never put you in this situation again.

If you want to save the repair this marriage I suggest you and husband seek serious counseling. He ready needs to MAN UP! A marriage is a joint union between two people. The union should exclude everyone else. This inludes me.

I agree with you, I do feel I am doing so much to save my marriage, but when he senses I want to leave he begins behaving better, crying and carrying on. Before we got married we were in a damn good relationship, communication was there, he was very supportive, and was like my best friend. There was a point when his family drove me to the point where I broke it off. HE came back and with a vengenance.He proposed to me and decided he wanted to spend his life with me. Our marriage was great when we did see each other. He is in the military a Marine, and he will be finishing soon, I was also in the marines, I am a Civilian now, living a pretty simple life. I think most of his stress is from that. I know as a former marine myself the responsibility and the travels I believe that is one of the reasons our marriage is on the rocks.
His behavior is totally unacceptable and I don't want to make excuses for him I do feel he needs to MAN UP! I know he loves me deep down in his heart and the way he treats my children I know he would be a great father, the counselor believes he is afraid to fail as a father, and husband and subconsciously is behaving in this manner because of his current situation he is isolating himself and me. I know if I leave him he will be a mental mess, and I really want to make it work because I love him, but I love myself more to know that this is unhealthy.

Thank you for your advice I agree with you... I am just torn...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dana2007

Marriedguy said it well.

Your husband is not man enough to have gotten married. He is married to his family and especially to his mother. HE IS NOT MARRIED TO YOU. This sort of marriage is not going to work well until he learns how to be your husband and put you and himself first.

His family values can only hurt all of the present children very deeply. I suggest you protect your children from their hate. How many more abortions are you going to have to endure?

I suggest you talk to a counselor who can help you figure out if he is a mamma's boy.

Thanks for your advice I AM NEVER GOING TO HAVE AN ABORTION I made this very clear to him very clear, First and last time... emotionally it has taken a toll on me. I feel terrible and regret my decision terribly..

Sweety, are you in counseling just for marriage or are you in counseling over the abortion too. Because that can cause serious problems in you head as well. Just make sure you are getting help for that as well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hollylovesbrandon

Sweety, are you in counseling just for marriage or are you in counseling over the abortion too. Because that can cause serious problems in you head as well. Just make sure you are getting help for that as well.

I am in counseling for both... And both are telling me to work it out and it is not my fault,. I just feel betrayed... It makes me question our marriage in the first place... However he is helping me raise two children from my prior marriage and he is great with them.. what I can't understand is why he didn't want this baby. I really hope is not considering reinlisting in the military as this could be one of the reasons he is acting this way... I don't know anymore...