Ask Me Help Desk - You're not my father!

My husband has joint physical custody of his 2 boys. Three years ago on Father's Day he called his sons, who were 16 and 14, to make arrangements to pick them up. They told my husband that he was not their father, and to not bother coming to get them because they were already with their father, their step-father. My husband has never missed a single child support payment, nor had he missed a single visitation. Granted he works a lot, 24 hours shifts, and only got to see his sons once a month…. Most divorced father's get at least 4 days. My husband blames his ex-wife stating that she poisoned the children against him, he says it is parental alienation syndrome. I agree, however, I feel at that age the boys were old enough to know what they were doing and what they were saying. Even if their mother did contrive the conversation, I don't believe they were forced to say what they did. My parents were divorced and my father never paid child support. I still loved him and respected him even when he died. I would have never said anything so evil or hateful to him even if my mother asked me to.

My husband's ex-wife knows that my husbands father is gravely ill and that my husband stands to inherit quite a large sum of money when his father passes. Suddenly, my husband's 19 year old tried to contact him on his birthday. I don't want to hurt my husband's feelings by telling him that I think the children are trying to contact him hoping to rekindle a relationship in time to receive a handout when Grandpa dies. My husband has already wrote them out of his Will. They obviously don’t know this. Does anyone besides me think that the boys are up to something, or could they possibly be calling to say I'm sorry?

Clearly up to something!

Yes they are old enough to know the difference but if she has been feeding the no good rotten father image and they are in rebellious teen age years topped with him not getting to see them more than he has been able to it is likely they would treat him that way.
And yes now that they know he stands to inherit a good bit of money they would change their tune. Your husband needs to not discuss the money with them at all ever. Let them reestablish a relationship but he needs to set boundries for himself of how much he would be willing to use to their behalf.
Something along the lines of would I have spent this on them, bought this for them or handed this amount to them if I DIDN'T have this inheritance?
Maybe he could use some of the money toward father/son type things like a vacation, sports events, fishing,.
Whatever he does he needs to not let them get over on him.

Whether they are up to something or not is beside the point. For your husband (not you), the question is simple: Does he wish to develop a relationship with his grown children, or not?

NO: Stop digging up the past. Seriously, stop. They were kids, the situation was what it was. If they're willing to start a relationship up again and Dad doesn't want to, the past is irrelevant.

Thank them politely when they call, there's no need to be rude, and do not reciprocate. Pretty simple.

YES: Then stop digging up the past. Seriously, stop. They were kids, the situation was what it was. If they're willing to start a relationship up again, then GO FOR IT.

Guys are what they do, so if they start hanging out with Dad again and they each start enjoying each other's company... well that's still real, isn't it?

Even if it's all fake, if they ACT nice to Dad long enough they might accidentally develop a real bond. That's worth the whole process.

And in the end, if Dad ends up putting them back in his will, that is also a good thing. A will is a testament of Dad's desires, it's not a measurement of the boys. Let him do what he wants.

Wills come, and wills go, and actually in some states they have many legal rights to part of his estate if he would die, In some states they have a lot of rights to a part of it.

I don't have enough fingers to count the times I have been wrote in and wrote out of the family will.

But at 19 often boys do start learning that everything is not always the way mom said it was, and by 30, they will know a lot more, esp if they end up having kids, maybe divorcing theirself or having divorced friends.
My 30 year old was telling me that just last month how things look different now.

But then of course it is human nature to be nice if you think you may get something, In the end it is his child and often there is no good comment a step parent can make that may not come back to bite them.

Yeah my younger daughter too. She always thought she should have the royal princess star type life and always criticized me. Now that she is in the military and has to deal with her own finances and so forth she is a lot more decent and understanding toward me.

You are right
In the end it is his child and often there is no good comment a step parent can make that may not come back to bite them.

By the way my husband and I did discuss this matter, and these are and were HIS wishes. He chooses not to establish a relationship with them. That is his choice alone... money aside. My husband holds them accountable for their actions and thinks that this will teach them valuable life lessons. Who am I to say he is wrong... oh yeah, I'm just the step-mother who should be careful that "In the end it is his child and often there is no good comment a step parent can make that may not come back to bite them." So there, you all agree I should do or say nothing to try and change his mind. I don't know if it is right but it sure makes my life a lot easier.

Sounds good. You and he are on the same page.
I am not sure that it is good or necessary to completely cut them out of a relationship with him, but if and when they are ready to work on it time will tell.

I am not sure how the law works with what Fr_chuck said about grandkids being entitled to a portion but they would probably have to realize that and pursue it but they probably wouldn't even think they could to consider it.

He is their father and he will always be their father that can not be changed. But I agree, they chose the step-father over their biological father three years ago. That must have deeply hurt him.

Yes, I think the boys are probably up to something, but whether that is to reestablish some kind of relationship or to get money from him, it is up to your husband if it wants this, and as he has said he doesn't, standby his him and his decisions.

Money does cause awful things to happen in families, it can bring out the parasites (not saying the boys are) but in general and from observations.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kraz

He is their father and he will always be their father that can not be changed. But I agree, they chose the step-father over their biological father three years ago. That must have deeply hurt him.

Yes, I think the boys are probably up to something, but whether that is to reestablish some kind of relationship or to get money from him, it is up to your husband if it wants this, and as he has said he doesn't, standby his him and his decisions.

Money does cause awful things to happen in families, it can bring out the parasites (not saying the boys are) but in general and from observations.

Yes, my husband was unfortunately deeply hurt by this.

Thanks for your input, it's nice to know that there are other sane people in this world.