Ask Me Help Desk - If I should wait?

If I should wait?

My boyfriend and me are from two different countries. He is a 33 years old European and I am a 28 years old Asian. So there's many problems we have to face in our relationship. We spent time together almost everyday from the beginning of our relationship to now. It's one and half year. We had a lot of unhappy time and happy time together. Recently he told me he is under the pressure of marriage-- he is not ready for that and don't think he will marry me. I felt very bad about that and I think it's just his excuse for breakup. So I told him if he want to break up with me I can accept that and I won't ask him to stay. He said he thinks it's because we were together all the time so our relationship is getting die. He think if we are apart from each other will save our relationship(we are living in different cities in my country now). I asked him to stop contact with me (from 12th.Feb. to the beginning of March)after he went back to the city where he is living now. Through this period we can think about our relationship and figure out what we want... However he sent me message right after he went back. I didn't reply him at first. He sent me messages again and again. So I answereded him. Today is his birthday so I gave him a call to celebrate his birthday. And I asked him if he still want to be apart from me. He said yes and he doesn't know how long time he need... He told me he miss me very much when he is alone but he knows if we are together he will go crazy. I can't read his mind and I don't know if I should wait...

I can't read his mind either, but hope you don't sit and wait on him. That's not fair to you at all, as you should be pursuing your hopes and dreams, and the things that make you happy, and fulfilled, for your own future. That's what he is doing, and so should you. I don't believe in waiting on somebody elses' confusion. Not when life has so much to offer, besides waiting for someone to figure out what they want. Pursue your own happy life.

Hi talaniman,

Thank you for you advice. We had a long conversation last night. We talked a lot. He told me he loves me but doesn't like our relationship. And he can't see there's any way can help that. Then we were agree on stop contact from now to March. If he still can't be sure about our relationship I think I will let him go. I knew it's very difficult for me but I think I have to do that...

This sounds complicated. I'm not in a position to give you any advise, just want to wish you the best no matter what decision you make... Heart break has never killed anyone!!

I understand, and while you wait, be happy with yourself.

We had a long conversation last Saturday. He still couldn't make a decision. He said he doesn't want to marry me now and is afraid if we stay together for a few years he still doesn't want to marry. Then it will ruin my life. He loves to be with me but he need his own space now. He thinks we spent too much time together the last one and half year. And he thinks I am over sweet sometimes then he felt I took him like a master! ( I can't understand that. I never think about that and never feel I am lower than him) He said he need challenge in the relationship. I thought he want to break up with me but hope I say that instead of himself. But he said no. We talked a lot but didn't go anywhere. So I think I should make the decision. However he blew up after I made the decision. He said he can't take it he need to hang up the phone. He said he can understand my feeling now and asked me why it couldn't work. He insist on stop the conversation so we agreed on talk about it on Monday. I was lost after that. It seemed I was the one want to break up with him. Anyone can help me to read his mind.

You don't need to read his mind. Read his actions. He has left. And, seems to me he got you to do what he didn't have the character to do himself. Shame on him. Now you're feeling bad and guilty for initiating what he thinks he may want but doesn't have the courage to do.

Stop talking to him. Give him total and complete "space" to think about everything he wants to think about without any influence from you. You're letting him wean himself away from you without having to bear the full brunt of the loss of you in his life. If you truly want him back, he needs to miss you and bad, like his soul has been ripped out, which may take months or even years of no contact.

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If he still can't be sure about our relationship I think I will let him go. I knew it's very difficult for me but I think I have to do that...

Well You waited, and he is still, not ready, so leave him alone,to think some more by himself, and disappear from his life.

Can you really marry someone you have not seen in a year and a half? Do NOT give into pressure here. So much can change over time, and rushing into marriage is never a good idea.

Yesterday he told me he just need space for a while and doesn't want to break up with me. All he said to me before is he was trying to explain to me his feeling. He said he couldn't imagine he will never see me and hear from me anymore. He just need space to feel himself and miss me. But he couldn't make a time limit now. He could just tell me it won't be a long time. I told him I don't want to spend too much time and energy on him anymore. I need more time for myself.

He wants space, so give him all he needs, as disappearing from his life, and pursuing your own, without him, is the thing to do. No pressure from you, and no more confusion and false hope from him. Win-Win.