I been dating this woman on and off for about 2yrs, I'm 32 and she's 25.
I have started to notice some interesting patterns. When we're together in public, in social company etc, she's very clingy almost infantile. When ever another woman remotely even looks at me she's all over me like a hawk. Yet this same woman, whenever we're alone is downright hostile(always trying to create contrived conflict). It's literally like being with two completely different people.

We've gone through several breakup-back-together cycles(initiated by her)... It's gotten to the point where, avoidance seems to be the only viable option for me.


Almost from the very beginning of the relationship, I was subjected to these over the top rage tantrums, that involved breaking my personal effects whenever I was not around. Truth being told, at the time I was absolutely shocked(never having experienced such a thing in relationships prior). It initially just assumed it was PMS thing... but after talking with her a bit, I suspected there was much more at play. The net result I tried the patience/support thing.

What going on?

I definitely already know it's not normal nor healthy.

Suggestions please.

She sounds like one of those type of women who are domineering and b!TcHe
Yet possessive and maybe an 'if I can't have him nobody can' type attitude.
She may even have two different personalities it seems to be getting more common these days.

No it is not normal or healthy she wants you on her terms, her convenience and her whims.

Move on and leave her in the dust.

Sounds like she may have some confidence issues, social issues, basically issues period. If it were me, I would probably break it off if she continues to follow this same cycle over and over. Either that or insist that she gets some counseling!

NOhelp4u makes a good point about multiple personalities or a mental problem like that. Do you think she might have depression or some other condition?


That isn't normal or healthy. I would break it off if she refuses to get help. You have to do what is healthy for you, and if you feel like the only way out is to avoid her, it obviously isn't good for you to be with her right now.

After two years your finding out things you need to know about her. That's HEALTHY! But you are starting to see her pattern in her behavior that is consistent, yet disturbing and confusing. That's your mind waving the red flag of reason as you know her and her ways well enough to see this is how this will be for quit a while. Your decision is, can you deal with her the way she is?? Ever wonder why you really go back to the same thing, again and again? Are you happy with things the way they are??

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very good indeed,
But when she was bad she was horrid.

-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I'm sorry to report, it ain't going to get any better.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by peggyhill

Sounds like she may have some confidence issues, social issues, basically issues period. If it were me, I would probably break it off if she continues to follow this same cycle over and over. Either that or insist that she gets some counseling!

NOhelp4u makes a good point about multiple personalities or a mental problem like that. Do you think she might have depression or some other condition?


That isn't normal or healthy. I would break it off if she refuses to get help. You have to do what is healthy for you, and if you feel like the only way out is to avoid her, it obviously isn't good for you to be with her right now.

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Yes correct Peggy, I suspected as much. I've tried everything within my own power to assist in boosting confidence levels etc. Suggested professional help... [naturally there's some degree of shame involved, thus there been quite a bit of resistance - I just started leaving it alone].

Regarding pre-history that may be contributing, she really seems to have been affected by her father's inability to be consistently "employed" especially when she was a teenager. Apparently the mother was the primary bread winner. He was one of the main victims of the Michigan economy. I'm not sure what it is, but there seems to be significant lack of respect for her Father. [I really don't fully understand the scope of the challenges]

Yes she could be projecting her idea of who her father was onto how she sees you (or any guy) and then is too scared to get close but it is unhealthy and will only drag you down. You need to break away. Tell her that until she gets counseling and feels she can make it work with you in a healthy relationship to leave you alone until then.

Most often girls that have a real problem with their father that they just can't let go of will do this and there is no hope for a relationship with her because she can not get past this.
It is pretty much the same as people who blame a parent/or parents that they themselves never became successful. They don't want to take the blame or grow up and be responsible so they are always accusing... When I was six you embarrassed me so now I couldn't get that promotion, when I was 9 you and mom split up so now I can't seem to keep a boyfriend, all my life you put me down so I am a failure,
I call it living in the past.

You know this is not healthy, so the best thing you can do is end this relationship, explain why if you want. Actually keep it that way, no more back and forth.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

After two years your finding out things you need to know about her. THATS HEALTHY! But you are starting to see her pattern in her behavior that is consistent, yet disturbing and confusing. Thats your mind waving the red flag of reason as you know her and her ways well enough to see this is how this will be for quit a while. Your decision is, can you deal with her the way she is????? Ever wonder why you really go back to the same thing, again and again?? Are you happy with things the way they are???

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In fact generally quite happy when not seeing her. What seems to be happening is after about 2months of virtually no contact, she reaches out to me again (I miss you etc). At which point, I delude myself into thinking, how she's changed or better[Yes I know wishful thinking that we all have the potential exhibit behavioral plasticity]. However literally within days, the patterns that drove me away in the first place, present themselves.


Definitely cannot deal with the cycling on/off.
Definitely not happy with things as they are.

I went through that with my ex husband (he was a gemini and always used his parents as an excuse for his
Self destruction). Anyway, he would leave me or I would leave him and then he would want back with me (for convenience). I always thought well since we were apart he had time to reflect on how to make it work this time. Within three weeks he was always back into his same old pattern and taking me for granted and ignoring the kids. I always reasoned we are married for better or worse and FOR the kids we have to make it work. I feel like I wasted about seven years on him, BUT at least I do have four great kids out of it.
It takes TWO healthy people WANTING it to work for it to work. She needs to PROVE she wants it to work and FIRST go to therapy!
She doesn't see her problem or at least she has no idea how to fix it so she needs a good counselor and you should have an appointment with the counselor too to tell them your perspective on things because often people can paint a rosy picture and have the counselor convinced they are not the one with a problem. I have seen that often enough too.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

Yes she could be projecting her idea of who her father was onto how she sees you (or any guy) and then is too scared to get close but it is unhealthy and will only drag you down. You need to break away. Tell her that until she gets counseling and feels she can make it work with you in a healthy relationship to leave you alone til then.

Most often girls that have a real problem with their father that they just can't let go of will do this and there is no hope for a relationship with her because she can not get past this.
It is pretty much the same as people who blame a parent/or parents that they themself never became successful. They don't want to take the blame or grow up and be responsible so they are always accusing.....When I was six you embarrassed me so now I couldn't get that promotion, when I was 9 you and mom split up so now I can't seem to keep a boyfriend, all my life you put me down so I am a failure,
I call it living in the past.

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There were certainly some variations of what you describe. There was especially intensity around the issue of her disabled little sister. She loved her sis, but there seemed to be residual resentment one typically associates with perceived parental neglect.

For the record I clearly didn't know any of this until well into dating stage, and I wasn't raised a "cad", so ejecting mid-course would have been inconsistent with my character.



Somewhat related observation:
Almost from the very beginning of the relationship, I was subjected to these over the top rage tantrums, that involved breaking my personal effects whenever I was not around. Truth being told, at the time I was absolutely shocked(never having experienced such a thing in relationships prior). It initially just assumed it was PMS thing... but after talking with her a bit, I suspected there was much more at play. The net result I tried the patience/support thing.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

I went through that with my ex husband (he was a gemini and always used his parents as an excuse for his
self destruction). Anyway, he would leave me or I would leave him and then he would want back with me (for convenience). I always thought well since we were apart he had time to reflect on how to make it work this time. Within three weeks he was always back into his same old pattern and taking me for granted and ignoring the kids. I always reasoned we are married for better or worse and FOR the kids we have to make it work. I feel like I wasted about seven years on him, BUT at least I do have four great kids out of it.
It takes TWO healthy people WANTING it to work for it to work. She needs to PROVE she wants it to work and FIRST go to therapy!
She doesn't see her problem or at least she has no idea how to fix it so she needs a good counselor and you should have an appointment with the counselor too to tell them your perspective on things because often people can paint a rosy picture and have the counselor convinced they are not the one with a problem. I have seen that often enough too.

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Agreed! After all this -- therapy will be good for me also. My idealism about relationships and presumption of good intent on the part of all concerned has been sorely tested. Perhaps the saddest part is watching all the potential slip way[probably one of the reasons you continually went back to your ex].

Thanks for taking to time to share your experience/insights

I have lived near two different girls (two different addresses) that have had severe problem of some sort. I suspect they both were physically abused by their dads and took it out on any guy they could. The first one lived downstairs of me and she would always go to the bar and pick up a guy she just met and take him home. Hours or days later (always 3 or 4 in the am) she would be screaming hysterically at him and kicking him out (never failed). That is an extreme case but my point is it sounds like a problem that all the patience and support in the universe is not going to fix.

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Originally Posted by qman772

My idealism about relationships and presumption of good intent on the part of all concerned has been sorely tested. Perhaps the saddest part is watching all the potential slip way[probably one of the reasons you continually went back to your ex].

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Yeah I would do the ''but we have been through so much together" bit ---NO correction--- he put ME through so much!
Seeing peoples potential is a problem for me cause I can see potential in the least likely people that everybody else has written off as a waste. That is fine as long as you don't get involved because it only drags you down.
Find somebody that is already there... and that is what I mean by leave her in the dust.

You are healthy, she is not. She has many unresolved issues only she can deal with, and sadly you cannot help, nor has she let you. If your broken up now, don't go back! Even if she seeks help, don't go back. Give her the time and space, if she wants to change. You can't help anyone, but you in cases like this. She can only confuse you, and drag you down.

I think I would run away...