Hello. I just ended a relationship with a married man who I truly love. I have loved him for over 10 years from a far, but never even remotely entertained the idea of pursuing it. I found out from him surprisingly that he had the same feelings a year and a half ago. I was resistant, but my heart took over, and within a few months we were both hopelessly in love. It was overwhelming, to the point that strangers made comments to us about how happy we were together.

But, when the time came for him to follow through on a separation and divorce, he froze. He is a year away from retirement, and has plans for his future that don't include splitting his benefits. He has grown children, but claims he does not ever want to be "that" man to them. He also has a large, close knit family who does not look highly on divorce, even though his mother was divorced three times. He says he and his wife have not been happy for years, and never sleep together, but yet still cannot find a way to leave her. They live separate lives, and although he claims he is unhappy, they seem content doing it.

So, of course he has said a million times he just "cant do it". Can't leave his wife and tell his family. He admits he is selfish. I am not a weak woman. I am strong, and most would never think I would be in this situation. I do not defend myself at all for my actions, and have spent many sleepless nights over this.

My questions are... We work together. He will probably be retiring within months, but keeps saying he wants to stay. Sometimes I think it is so he can continue seeing me daily. He has been extremely good to me, and it is obvious I am always on his mind. Is it possible all of this is cliché? Am I just another statistic? And now that I have tried, again, to end this, how do I keep my broken heart from destroying me every day I see him? Take it easy on me, I have beaten myself up enough... thanks

(Violins play in the background )

You can't be that strong to keep following that line of his, and you can't be beat up enough, since your still there taking a beating.

Cut all contact with him and refuse to talk or be with him. Only a very strict NO CONTACT rule can change this cycle. Consider yourself dumped and get a life that you enjoy without him, It won't be easy, but its got to be better than what your going through.


Questions??

Yes, Tal, I do have questions... the same ones I asked. Perhaps my initial write up came across in need of the violins, but I was stating ALL of the apparent reasons I am walking away. I get your answer, actually got it on my own prior to submitting the questions. I know the situation is ridiculous, and was trying to relay that when I contradicted every reason he has given me.

So the same questions confront me. If he is retiring in months, and I am going to continue to go to work, does anyone have any advice as to how to overcome the NC issue. I beat myself up because I know this is a horrible cycle, but it does not change the fact that seeing someone everyday sometimes makes it next to impossible to keep your head on straight. I am looking for advice from someone who has possibly been through it.

And talaniman, thanks too, for the input... The NC calendar was a great message, the eight hours a day I have been facing has been the major obstacle... But this is my first question on the site, and I am learning how to better relay the real questions... thanks again.

I realise the difficulty, seeing an ex at work. One of the reasons I caution against workplace relationships. The thing is, I think you must be much more proactive in your healing as the poison is still close. As some of the suggestions in the links in my signature are good suggestions as far as changing the focus of your life. I don't know your personal circumstances, but a plan of personal growth, away from work helps. Seeing him when you do, and hurt as you are, you never let him see you sweat, be business like, but that's where the contact ends, and pour your energy into whatever you think you will enjoy, and work at, hobbies, events PEOPLE, as I bet you have a few, you have missed. Make no mistake about it, this is a LONG, PAINFUL process you will be going through, so get your rest and get ready for hell, sorry there are no short cuts to it. Others may have encouragement, but there are no simple answers. Thru it all, forgive yourself, and learn to love yourself, is the first thing to do.

Thanks again talaniman... I think I am finding the forgiving myself is almost the hardest part. I feel incredibly stupid lately, and I beat myself up for ever letting myself get into this situation. It was my decision to walk away, but it is true I was dumped, because if I hadn't, nothing would have ever changed. But I am steadfast not to re-enter any situation, with him or anyone else that will ever make me feel this bad again. But it is hell, and a struggle, that is for sure! By the way, I am sure you make a difference in people's lives everyday.