Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years and we have a 4 month old baby girl, and were going through a lot of troubled times. We just moved out and were both stressed out. Also I smoke and he doesn't and that gives us a lot of problems but I'm trying to quit but he doesn't understand how hard it is. It's actually tearing us apart. I got the patches today but he is still mad about the past. Please give me some advice to save my family.

You sound young and inexperienced, and need to learn how to talk together, maybe a counselor or older trusted friend can give you insights on how to cope with stress, and working together, and communicating honestly, together. I guess I use together a lot, LOL, but that's about the straight of it as your having growing pains, yes, together. Also most preachers are trained family counselors also, if the budget is tight. Coping with the stress of being together and learning yourselves and each other is tough, but doable. One smoker to another, that's married to a non-smoker, I know what a tight spot that is, but as I tell my wife, I was smoking when we met so back off. But I do wish you luck, as non-smokers haven't a clue. I suggest having a place you can smoke, and never around the kids, as it's a matter of compromise, and respect. Good luck getting the demon off your back.

A new baby is enough to put stress on any relationship. Your body and hormones are going through changes and his new responsibilities are enough to stress one out.
What "past" is he mad about?
Is it possible to get a sitter and go to a movie? Do something, ust the two of you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

You sound young and inexperienced, and need to learn how to talk together, maybe a counselor or older trusted friend can give you insights on how to cope with stress, and working together, and communicating honestly, together. I guess I use together a lot, LOL, but that's about the straight of it as your having growing pains, yes, together. Also most preachers are trained family counselors also, if the budget is tight. Coping with the stress of being together and learning yourselves and each other is tough, but doable. One smoker to another, that's married to a non-smoker, I know what a tight spot that is, but as I tell my wife, I was smoking when we met so back off. But I do wish you luck, as non-smokers haven't a clue. I suggest having a place you can smoke, and never around the kids, as its a matter of compromise, and respect. Good luck getting the demon off your back.

---

I am very young! I'm only 18 and he is 23. We are both very stubborn but we do love each other. He does things I don't get and to him, I do dumb stuff. I comprimised and went and got the patch so now I'm on it and he's happy but I going crazy! We both need to grow up. My young side tells me, why should I quit smoking when he cheated on me and I had to deal with that so he can put up with me smoking. But that's not right at all. We are supposed to work together. Were basically growing up together with our daughter. I love having a baby though, she is not my stress at all. Its just the responsibilitys around her, like money!! She is my whole life now and sometimes it hits me that I have to make she has everything and I have to have the money to get what she needs.my boyfriend helps me a lot though but I still worry. Sometimes I just want to give up on us but I have put in so much time and effort for being so young and don't want to just let it go. Now that I'm on the patch and not smoking, that will take a lot of arguing out of the situation.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

A new baby is enough to put stress on any relationship. Your body and hormones are going through changes and his new responsibilities are enough to stress one out.
What "past" is he mad about?
Is it possible to get a sitter and go to a movie? Do something, ust the two of you.

---

For being so young me and him are great parents! We don't go out hardly and we just work and come home. When I said the past I meant me lying about smoking in the past. I would just lie so it would save an argument. But now that I'm on the patch he is OK cause it is very dangerous to smoke while you are on it and he knows that I won't take that chance.my baby has changed my life for the better, she has not brought me down at all! She was 9lbs when she was born and she looks exactly like her mommy. I just need some mature advice, instead of my stobburness.

Patients is a virtue we all could learn from, and need from time to time. Sometimes all we can See is what's in front of us, and forget to look ahead, and see what we do now has effects on tomorrow. Obviously the two of you have talked enough to get some things done, and it's a matter of time before, you grow more, and learn how to better communicate. In time you will look back and laugh, and realise, it's the hard times that have made you grow, as your relationship passes the test of time, its one big learning curve, and none of us is perfect. Just stay willing to work together, and compromise, and set aside some time for the two of you, on a regular basis. It doesn't have to be fancy, or expensive, just intimate and personal. Coping with stress is a skill that develops with time, and maturity, so just know it gets better. I had to learn to let my wife handle certain things, and step back, and shut-up, while she worked her magic, her way.(not easy, for a stubborn guy like me) So go easy Mrs. Stubborn, sometimes we have to step back, and say NOTHING, as nothing is ever exactly how we want it, and then let some things go, until a better time. Lack of money is a high stress with young couples, (and old) and finances can destroy a relationship, no doubt, your priorities may be different than his, that's where the honest CALM, communications come in, and a willingness to work together, to solve your problems, for the benefit of both of you, will see you through even the hardest of times. Good luck quitting the smoking as the benefits will be seen a lot later and worth the hell your going through now. Be good to each other, and long life together.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by samantha01

for being so young me and him are great parents! we dont go out hardly and we just work and come home. when i said the past i meant me lying about smoking in the past. i would just lie so it would save an argument. but now that im on the patch he is ok cause it is very dangerous to smoke while you are on it and he knows that i wont take that chance.my baby has changed my life for the better, she has not brought me down at all! she was 9lbs when she was born and she looks exactly like her mommy. i just need some mature advice, instead of my stubborness.

---

Find time for the two of you. That is easy to lose when you have a baby. You are parents but you are also a couple, make time for yourselves and keep communicating with each other, learn how to settle disagreements without attacking each other.
Your quitting smoking is the best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter. I wish the three of you the best.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

Patients is a virtue we all could learn from, and need from time to time. Sometimes all we can See is whats in front of us, and forget to look ahead, and see what we do now has effects on tomorrow. Obviously the two of you have talked enough to get some things done, and its a matter of time before, you grow more, and learn how to better communicate. In time you will look back and laugh, and realise, its the hard times that have made you grow, as your relationship passes the test of time, its one big learning curve, and none of us is perfect. Just stay willing to work together, and compromise, and set aside some time for the two of you, on a regular basis. It doesn't have to be fancy, or expensive, just intimate and personal. Coping with stress is a skill that develops with time, and maturity, so just know it gets better. I had to learn to let my wife handle certain things, and step back, and shut-up, while she worked her magic, her way.(not easy, for a stubborn guy like me) So go easy Mrs. Stubborn, sometimes we have to step back, and say NOTHING, as nothing is ever exactly how we want it, and then let some things go, until a better time. Lack of money is a high stress with young couples, (and old) and finances can destroy a relationship, no doubt, your priorities may be different than his, that's where the honest CALM, communications come in, and a willingness to work together, to solve your problems, for the benefit of both of you, will see you thru even the hardest of times. Good luck quitting the smoking as the benefits will be seen a lot later and worth the hell your going thru now. Be good to each other, and long life together.

---

everything you are sayign makes sense but I don't know if I can handle all the arguing on an everyday basis. I'm going crazy! I don't trust him cause of what he has done before and that gets to me a lot. But when he gets mad, he talks to me like I don't mean anything to him. It seems like were always bumping heads no matter what. I love him more than anything but I can only take so much of him putting me down all the time. He don't see things from my perspective at all.I found out he was cheating on me when I was 7 months pregnant with our daughter and he was so munipalitive, and I don't see how he could have changed so fast. After I found out about that I keep thinking, if he can cheat on me when I'm carrying his child then he doesn't have any boundries on what he would do to me.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Find time for the two of you. That is easy to lose when you have a baby. You are parents but you are also a couple, make time for yourselves and keep communicating with each other, learn how to settle disagreements without attacking each other.
Your quitting smoking is the best thing you can do for yourself and your daughter. I wish the three of you the best.

---

I really appreciate everything you are saying to me cause it is really helping me. I think the things that he does is my fault because I let him get away with it through out our relationship. I should have stopped it from the get go but I didn't. I know I should quit smoking but it is very hard when your stessed out all the time. I think if I was to better myslef and be more confident then I would be able to be a better woman for him but I think right now I can't be who he wants me to be. But I don't want him to get another girlfriend and then forget about me. I think were pushing each other away.im a soap opera!! Lol but I just don't know to be honest.

Well if he was cheating on you when you were pregnant, why did you take him back? If he is criticizing you and manipulating you, you don't need to be with him anyway. No man is worth taking infidelity and verbal abuse from. If you have always let him get away with those things he will continue to do it and you will continue to be stressed and the last thing a girl needs is to grow up thinking cheating and verbal abuse is normal and OK.
Seems to me you have some decisions to make. You put up with this, or you don't.
Again, I wish you guys the best.

Thanks for your replies, as a better picture is emerging, as you painted a healthy picture of the marriage before. You both need some type of couples counseling, to guide you through the process of letting go of the past, and working together. His behavior is unacceptable, and without changes, he is not mate material, especially since he cheated, and I don't know if he was contrite or not, but I gather he has no remorse for it. A reverend is trained in marital counseling, and won't bust the budget, but if he will not go, you still should. If things don't improve then you need to separate, and give this all due time until you can better cope with these trust issues, and his behavior, not easy as its emotionally taxing. I also feel you are afraid to be alone, and its understandable, but fair warning, it leaves you very vulnerable to any tactic he uses to manipulate you into staying, and being quiet, and accepting of it. It gives him a lot of POWER over you. You must be more independent, self reliant, and pro active with establishing your own boundaries, and he needs to know there is hell to pay for crossing them. Standing up for yourself and being his equal, will relieve a lot of the stress of being under his control and end the feeling of being manipulated. You need a break, and someone to talk to, as it seems yourself esteem is under attack by a very selfish person, and unless you change that, he will continue as he has. He won't change unless he wants to, but you can change yourself, and how you approach this. Ask him first to go to counseling, but be firm in letting him know that's what you intend to do. He will scoff at this, no doubt, and you will need to hold your position, and follow through. Find that pastor, and get help. End this cycle, and if he chooses to leave, you must let him, as fearful an idea as that is. So sorry that your in this place, but it must be dealt with. Homegirl put it very well, you don't need this type of stress. Questions are more than welcome.

A1 advice Talanman
Listen to him samantha01. He gives good advice