Ask Me Help Desk - My Boyfriend is al alcoholic

We have been together for 2 years, and he is in rehab again. I know what many if you will be thinking, leave him, but I do go to Alanon, and have made the decision to stay for now. Anyway, We had an argument last week because I had said I was not sure about US. He got very angry, defensive and said I say that every two weeks, I get emotional and take it out on him. Anyway, he was pissed and did not call me for four days-I was not able to call him due to where he is at. When we spoke last night, he said that me arguing with him all the time, has made him doubtful about US as welol, and he cannot handle that stress right now-he needs to focus on himself, I tried to explain to him that I want to be with him, but need to feel more appreciated, need to reassured he loves me. We've spoken about marriage, but he says that I get too way ahead of myself, and that we would have to wait until he gets his together. I understand and realistically he is right, but why can't he just be more passionate about things-instead I love, what does he love about me, etc. Anyway, I am confused, how do I communicate to a man who always gets defensive, and goes away to his emotional cave whenever I ask him to be more loving. I know I am not communicating too well. For any sober alcoholic men out there, is it possible for this relationship to work, are you still with your wife/fiancee from when you started your journey into sobriety-the women who supported you-are they still around?

Stop trying to be logical with this immature drunk, and learn how to protect your heart. He will make no sense until he is sober for about a year, and until then, stop beating yourself up. I'm very sure that is one of the things they tell you at Alanon. So if your in it for the long haul, you must leave him alone, as he can't be trusted, nor counted on to do the right thing by you. Sorry I cannot be positive and encouraging, but trust the honesty.

There is no logic, if the alcoholic was logical, they would not be a drunk. And normally all they care about when sober is finding a drink,
You just have to learn how to live as the second most important thing to him, and get used to the drinking, anger and most likely abuse. If you wish to stay, you just have to lower yourself respect to his level and put up with him,

There is no positive thing to do, but accept his actions and put up with them,

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Stop trying to be logical with this immature drunk, and learn how to protect your heart.

I think that's a little harsh for someone in rehab...pretty insensitive as well.

And this answer is just flat out total crap!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

there is no logic, if the alcholic was logical, they would not be a drunk. And normally all they care about when sober is finding a drink,
You just have to learn how to live as the second most important thing to him, and get used to the drinking, anger and most likely abuse. If you wish to stay, you jsut have to lower your self respect to his level and put up with him,

There is no positive thing to do, but accept his actions and put up with them,

I understand what you are wanting. As a female I myself try to get these answers from my boyfriend during times that I feel neglected and feel he's being selfish.
I think that space between you and him might be recommended while he is trying to recover from alcoholism. This is a really trying disease on people. Although talaniman was a little harsh, He was right in that he won't make too much sense for awhile until he has become sober for some time. That means he won't understand much of what he is feeling for himself as he faces his demons sober instead of drunk for awhile. Until his mind is clear from alcohol and he is living healthy his emotional state won't be all together. I know it will be hard for you, but if you love him and care about him he may need to find himself through recovery for awhile. I'msure if he loves you he will return full force. I recommend that you help him stay sober to show your support. Try not to push too much on the relationship for now... just while he rids himself of alcoholism. It's a tough thing. I myself am currently dealing with all the changes of sobriety... and it helps to have a friend there... a loved one.. to keep you straight. Don't give up on your relationship... just try to understand what he might be going through a little more. I'm sure things will come around.
Good luck... keep going to meeting... you'll find more answers.

There are no guarantees anyone can give you.
There are no guarantees for the two most seemingly picture perfect couple either.
If you in Al-non - ask God to direct you.
You will be OK whatever happens, if you have God with you.
Remember - life is to be enjoyed not endured. All the best.

Quote:

I think that's a little harsh for someone in rehab...pretty insensitive as well.

Most loved ones are enablers, sad to say and without education on the disease, they are far better letting their sick partners fall flat on their face and WANT to help themselves. If you think I'm harsh try being the partner of a drunk, thats harsh!

I'm giving her advice from someone going through recovery, and still having to deal with an alcohol abuser. I am speaking on both sides of the story. And this post is really for the first question at hand..not for the defense of our answers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katskan

I'm giving her advice from someone going through recovery, and still having to deal with an alcohol abuser. I am speaking on both sides of the story. And this post is really for the first question at hand..not for the defense of our answers.

While I respect your position, your answers, though meant to support, can be dangerous to someone going thru this hell, as factual as you are, without the rest of the truth, relationships often lead to relapses, and total disintergration of any support system by love ones, as well as may also enable more than help, unless they have the training or guidance to handle what an alcoholic puts them thru.
You said on one post how harsh and insensitive I was, but trust me its justified as I have counseled many in the last 15 years, and sponsored more, this is no joke, nor will I treat it so. People die everyday, so harsh is whats needed.
Good Luck with your recovery. You have my prayers.

Yes, relationship's can be triggers.. that is true. But if someone is willing to take a risk in helping another through recovery that is truelly brave on their behalf for putting up with an alcoholic's BS (for lack of a better word). And it helps having a solid support system throughout recovery. If someone is willing to take the risks involved in helping someone recover I think it's important to help them get the right answers. The person that is going thourugh recovery needs to take their own responsibility into their own hands as well, but the help and guidance of a loved one through these times are essential. I hope she will be able to assist him and help make someone's life better... which in turn will make her relationship better. It's a challenge, that's for sure. And it may take a few failed attempts. But if you'r willing to stickit through... if you care about the person enough, you will stick by them and see to it they get better.

P.S. Thanks for the prayer. I do need it :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katskan

Yes, relationship's can be triggers..that is true. But if someone is willing to take a risk in helping another through recovery that is truelly brave on their behalf for putting up with an alcoholic's BS (for lack of a better word). And it helps having a solid support system throughout recovery. If someone is willing to take the risks involved in helping someone recover I think it's important to help them get the right answers. The person that is going thourugh recovery needs to take their own responsibility into their own hands as well, but the help and guidance of a loved one through these times are essential. I hope she will be able to assist him and help make someone's life better...which in turn will make her relationship better. It's a challange, that's for sure. And it may take a few failed attempts. but if you'r willing to stickit through...if you care about the person enough, you will stick by them and see to it they get better.

If you do what is suggested above and stay with an active alcohlic who obviously does not want to change you will most likely end up in a mental institution yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katskan

I'm giving her advice from someone going through recovery, and still having to deal with an alcohol abuser.

Who is this "someone going through recovery"? Is it you? Or is it second hand advice from someone you have sort of half listened to.. you don't seem to understand a thing about alcoholism, if it IS you in recovery.. you need to stop talking and start listening!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Katskan

I am speaking on both sides of the story. And this post is really for the first question at hand..not for the defense of our answers.

Then you should stop attacking everyone else's answers when they are obviously more qualified and experienced on the subject "at hand".

This is a site for opinion's and adivice. No need to get defensive.
And you don't know me so I'm positive you don't know how qualified I am.