Ask Me Help Desk - Child abandonment?

My name is paul and I have had my daughter for a year and a half.she is two and a half and her mom has had her two nights and came and seen her maybe five times in the last year and a half ,no christmas calls or presents nothing.last month I got a letter from d.f.s saying she filed for child support(she isn't had her in a year and a half)now all of a sudden she is wanting her back.I told my little girl her mom wants to come get her next weekend and she said bonnie?no daddy.she doesn't want anything to do with her mom or her mom's new boyfriend what can I do?I love my daughter more than anything in the world and she loves her daddy she makes sure she tells me all the time.please someone help me with some advice what can I do as far as child abandonment?or anything to help us out?

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaitlyns daddy

my name is paul and i have had my daughter for a year and a half.she is two and a half and her mom has had her two nights and came and seen her maybe five times in the last year and a half ,no christmas calls or presents nothing.last month i got a letter from d.f.s saying she filed for child support(she aint had her in a year and a half)now all of a sudden she is wanting her back.i told my little girl her mom wants to come get her next weekend and she said bonnie?no daddy.she doesn't want anything to do with her mom or her mom's new boyfriend what can i do?i love my daughter more than anything in the world and she loves her daddy she makes sure she tells me all the time.please someone help me with some advice what can i do as far as child abandonment?or anything to help us out?

Why does your X feel she's entitled to child support when, in fact, she doesn't have the child?

Who has legal custody? You have the ability to apply for custody or a change of custody at any time - simply get your facts together and file in Family Court.

Two and a half is very young for a child who has seen her mother overnight twice in 18 months, has visited her 5 times, to decide she doesn't want to go - is she parroting what you have said or she has overheard? Obviously if there is abuse or gross neglect, then you have to protect your child.

And, no, your X did not abandon the child. Takes a lot more than not visiting.

Who has legal custody, is there a child custody order in place, who has legal custody ( not physcial) if she has legal custody why have you not went to get legal cusotdy over all this time.

You are going to have to go to court and get legal cusotdy, and ask for child support against the mother. She will fight it,
They will look at the past, but they most likely will give the mother some legal visitation,

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Why does your X feel she's entitled to child support when, in fact, she doesn't have the child?

Who has legal custody? You have the ability to apply for custody or a change of custody at any time - simply get your facts together and file in Family Court.

Answer to question 1: Because it's the only way she can continue to receive the food stamps and financial aid she's been receiving from the state on her daughter's behalf. Got to support that boyfriend somehow. (Yes, the word for that is "fraud")

Answer to question 2: No one has legal custody. They've been separated for 2 years (she ran off with someone else), but with no interest from "Mom" there's been no real reason to deal with it. Being a single dad can leave little money for fancy extras like lawyers. Also, filing for divorce and custody would be like waving a flag in front of this "mom" saying, "You're a lousy parent." That, in turn, would make her want to fight back (she's just weird that way). With the legal system being what it is, who's to say a judge wouldn't give the mom custody? (After all, don't moms make the best parents?) In spite of that, Paul has consulted with an attorney.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Two and a half is very young for a child who has seen her mother overnight twice in 18 months, has visited her 5 times, to decide she doesn't want to go - is she parroting what you have said or she has overheard? Obviously if there is abuse or gross neglect, then you have to protect your child.

This is the mom that wanted an abortion (and, thankfully, after having 3 children with 3 different men, had her tubes tied after Kaitlyn's birth). This is the mom that swore if the relationship didn't work, dad would be raising the child. This is also the mom that, to prove her point, set her infant child out on the front porch in a car seat when dad left in the middle of an argument. This is how a mom doesn't care when or how often she sees her child. It only needs to be enough to benefit the mom in some way. However, filing for child support in order to keep getting food stamps is going too far. (Note: she says she didn't want the child support money and was going to give it back. Like I said, she's just weird that way)
And Kaitlyn's mom is not directly talked about in a negative way (i.e. "mom is a bad person" or "mom wants to take you away"). However, kids are smart and dad's concern (along with other family members) over each potential visit with mom may translate into those things.

Paul could turn Kaitlyn's mom in for fraud. (She only confirmed our suspicions tonight by saying that she wants to pick Kaitlyn up tomorrow because she has an appointment with DFS) But how do you prove fraud with food stamps when you haven't even had time to prove the filing for child support was fraudulent? With little proof, it's mostly a matter of one parent's word against another. He can continue to stall her while he seeks legal recourse, but he's running the risk of being seen as a dad denying mom visitation. This would likely cause a judge to view dad in a dim light.

And what does the lawyer advise? Don't know. After promising to check on a couple of things that might come into play, he never called back, not even after Paul called to request a phone call. Ah, well... what's a $75 consultation fee? Nothing but a week's worth of groceries or month's supply of pull ups and baby wipes. But I'm sure he'll call back... sooner or later.

Won't he?

Any further suggestions or advice would be appreciated.

Signed,
A broken-hearted grandma

[QUOTE=fool_me_1ce]Answer to question 1: Because it's the only way she can continue to receive the food stamps and financial aid she's been receiving from the state on her daughter's behalf. Got to support that boyfriend somehow. (Yes, the word for that is "fraud")

Well, first I'd try to settle custody before "Mom" skips the State with the daughter, denies visitation, refuses to return the child -

I don't understand how receiving child support enables her to get food stamps and financial aid - support is a setoff against benefits in many States. Perhaps your State is in the minority.

Wish I had wise words for you but I think someone has to take some legal action because things can only get worse and this child deserves protection and stability.

As far as the X cheating, wanting an abortion, any of that - nothing to do with this issue other than perhaps explaining the mind set of the parties.

Quote:

Originally Posted by fool_me_1ce

A broken-hearted grandma

Ok, So Paul is using the ID kaitlyn's daddy and you are using the id fool_me_1ce. But you are both using the same computer. That's not a problem, but you should make that clear.

If Paul's atty is not doing his job, then get another.

The thing you DIDN'T answer here is what are the legal custody arrangements. That is the key to this whole situation. If there are none, that is Paul's big mistake. As soon as the mom handed Kaitlyn over to him, he should have gone to court to formalize custody.

Don't worry about him seeming to be denying visitation. His statement should be that he does not want to deny visitation, just that he wants the visitation scheduled formalized first.

But he needs to get custody formalized and so on. He also needs to document everything.

Thanks for the replies. This is just a quick update, because I do appreciate the time taken to respond to my post.

ScottGem: Obviously, we are not computer savvy. I'm the mom, Paul is my son, same house, different computers, same dsl line.

I'm not sure of the cause of Kaitlyn's mom's mood swings and erratic behavior. Hormones? Crack? Probably both. (And yes, the personal stuff in my previous post was an attempt to show what Paul is dealing with) We never expected her to really have so little interaction with Kaitlyn for as long a period as she did. Paul has a year and a half to go on a 5 year probation sentence. He never thought he'd have a chance at custody, so he just let things ride. Better to have Kaitlyn, to love and care for her, under these conditions than to rock the boat and put her in a bad situation. Sorry for not including that in the previous post, but forums are famous for harsh judgment and this is all too painful already. (I only add it now because I haven't really seen that attitude here)

For the good news, after thinking and praying about it I talked to Paul about how Kaitlyn's mom taking her to DFS was going to make things much worse. He called the child support case worker that he's been dealing with and explained the situation to him. The cw told Paul he could bring Kaitlyn in, along with the "proof" we'd managed to gather as to where Kaitlyn's been living and put a stop to the fraud. So that's what we did. Things went very well, our proof seemed to be enough, her benefits were stopped, and they are going to file a claim for her to have to pay back the support she was given. Justice prevailed there.:)

Afterwards, we went to the atty's office and left the retainer after talking briefly to him on the phone. Hopefully, things will go well on that count.

JudyKayTee: To answer your question about food stamps and child support, mom was receiving food stamps, etc, for Kaitlyn and older sister (her son has always lived with son's dad). She wanted to have child support benefits for the older girl enforced (remember, different dads for all). She was told the only way she could get action on the child support for the older child would be to file against Kaitlyn's dad as well. Why? Because, according to their records, she was already receiving benefits on Kaitlyn's behalf, meaning she supposedly had Kaitlyn. Guess she thought they would realize something was up if she told them she'd suddenly given Paul custody (but hadn't had time to stop the current benefits for Kaitlyn, ;);)).
Hope that made sense. Long nights, short days, and much concern over a very precious little girl sometimes causes brain waves to short circuit. :)

With appreciation,
A hopeful grandma

Sounds like you've got the bases well covered. Make sure you get a written report form the DFS case worker, and give it to your attorney.

By the way, my comment about same computer is because we sometimes have people using multiple IDs here to create havoc. So when we have 2 IDs talking about the same issue from the same IP address eyebrows get raised. But you've explained and you are fine.

It's hard to believe, but we didn't get anything from the caseworker. The whole thing was really stressful. We were running all over, trying to pick up some last minute letters from people, halfway expecting Kaitlyn's mom to walk in any moment while we were at DFS, and dealing with a cranky toddler in desperate need of a nap for the 2 hours we were there. I was so sure he had given us something, but when we got home and I sorted through all the paperwork we'd taken in, there was nothing there. I was very disappointed.

The attorney filed the paperwork for the divorce on Thursday. Since Paul fulfilled the 60 (consecutive) days of physical custody, we're hoping temporary custody will be given.

I understood about the same IP situation. Thanks for giving me a chance and not assuming I was cyber-schizophrenic (especially with a sn like "fool me once"). I know I kind of took over Paul's post, but it really helped to relieve some stress and worry.

Except for the part that's making me wonder if justice really prevailed at the DFS office...

:eek:

I realize this is like a blast from the past, but thought I'd post a quick update after running across this thread. Too many times I'm guilty of looking for advice from a forum and then not returning to share the outcome. Here, then, is "the rest of the story."

After blackmailing dad for a notarized document about visitation, Kaitlyn's mom altered it to read the opposite, saying dad was allowed visits because Kaitlyn lived with MOM! This she took to the caseworker. Dad got a letter stating the child support for mom would continue, so he called the cw, who read the altered doc to dad. Dad's atty faxed actual document to cw, who then faxed a copy of the altered doc to atty. (And yes, we DO have a copy of that!) End of child support for mom.

After agreeing to give dad full custody if he would let mom claim Kaitlyn for 2 years on her tax return, divorce was finalized and dad has full physical custody. Since taking Kaitlyn last February (after moving and providing a false address), and failing to return her until dad provided above-mentioned notarized document, she has not seen Kaitlyn since (missing both her birthday and Christmas). Sad for a precious little girl who deserves a mommy, but best until mom can figure out how to prioritize life and be a mom.

Not a perfect ending, but given the circumstances it was the best one by far.

Quote:

Originally Posted by fool_me_1ce

I realize this is like a blast from the past, but thought I'd post a quick update after running across this thread. Too many times I'm guilty of looking for advice from a forum and then not returning to share the outcome. Here, then, is "the rest of the story."

After blackmailing dad for a notarized document about visitation, Kaitlyn's mom altered it to read the opposite, saying dad was allowed visits because Kaitlyn lived with MOM! This she took to the caseworker. Dad got a letter stating the child support for mom would continue, so he called the cw, who read the altered doc to dad. Dad's atty faxed actual document to cw, who then faxed a copy of the altered doc to atty. (And yes, we DO have a copy of that!) End of child support for mom.

After agreeing to give dad full custody if he would let mom claim Kaitlyn for 2 years on her tax return, divorce was finalized and dad has full physical custody. Since taking Kaitlyn last February (after moving and providing a false address), and failing to return her until dad provided above-mentioned notarized document, she has not seen Kaitlyn since (missing both her birthday and Christmas). Sad for a precious little girl who deserves a mommy, but best until mom can figure out how to prioritize life and be a mom.

Not a perfect ending, but given the circumstances it was the best one by far.

Thanks for coming back and posting - I often wonder how these things turn out.

Thanks for the update and I'm happy things turned out OK from your standpoint.

Agreed. Nice to get justice, even if its not perfect. I'm so glad your son got custody - it brings tears to my eyes to see a father who cares so much. Really does. So sad about mom being so crappy though.