Ask Me Help Desk - How do I shake this 3 year crush?

I'm married and not really attracted to my husband anymore. I care for him but I don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I have been faithful our entire marriage and even when we dated for 6 years. For 3 years I have had this crush on this younger guy and I want to be around him or talk to him all the time. I hate feeling this way but I just can't seem to shake it... like eventually we're supposed to be together. He lives far away so I hardly ever see him. We communicate occasionally on Facebook messages and that is all. I found out recently, when I spent some time with him and his friend (from his friend) that he would consider sleeping with me if I wasn't married which really surprised me because I thought I was too old for him even to consider that. I really wish I could just be friends with him, but every time I think of him I get HUGE butterflies. I really feel like I'm in love with this guy, which is absolutely ridiculous. And it's not like he is overly attractive in anyway, my friends don't understand my crush and neither does my mom or my husband. My husband thinks the crush is over and doesn't know how strong my feelings are. I feel like maybe a kiss would put everything into perspective for me and then I can get on with my marriage. HELP!

Klizzy
Have you considered cutting all ties with this total stranger? Crushes are temporary and your husband has made a commitment to you.

I've been on the internet long enough to know that people get crushes on screen names.

If you can't handle the feelings, you need to get away from Facebook messages.

Marriage is not about feeling butterflies in your stomach. It is about something more important than that.

If you really are not happy with your husband, get a divorce. Why make him think you care about him. Why use him?

If you don't want your marriage to be jeaopardized, stay away from other men. (You come across as too weak to handle being around other men so just stay away from them.)

First the old saying the grass always look greener, and this person or friend has no business even mentioning they would sleep with you. This would be out of line and shows more. If for example he would say that ( which means he really would anyway) then he most likely would cheat on you to when another girl caught his eye.

It sounds like you need marriage counseling, to find that spark back in your marriage, and commitment.

I totally agree with Dana2007, very well said!
You made vows for a reason, why not keep them. If your not happy in your marriage then get a divorce, but don't pretend you love him if you actually love someone else. I'm sure your husband doesn't deserve that.
If you want to keep your marriage than cut the contact with this guy. You will not lead a happy marriage with this guy on the side.

Just a thought... this guy knows you are married and is willing to have an affair with you. What if you left your husband for this man and this man ended up cheating on you with another women. After all, he's all for affairs right?

I agree totally with mjl

I have seen women throw away their wonderful and terrific and loving and hard working husbands for another man and then they BEG AND BEG AND BEG to come back, but it is too late because another smarter woman has already swooped him up and were engaged and soon afterwards married.

The ex wife ends up practically on the street homeless and with no money or living on welfare and alone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dana2007

klizzy
Have you considered cutting all ties with this total stranger? Crushes are temporary and your husband has made a commitment to you.

I've been on the internet long enough to know that people get crushes on screen names.

If you can't handle the feelings, you need to get away from facebook messages.

Marriage is not about feeling butterflies in your stomach. It is about something more important than that.

If you really are not happy with your husband, get a divorce. Why make him think you care about him.? Why use him?

If you don't want your marriage to be jeaopardized, stay away from other men. (You come accross as too weak to handle being around other men so just stay away from them.)

First of all, I didn't meet him on the internet and I don't have a crush on a screen name, he's a real person whom I've met several times. I don't think I'm using my husband, marriage is more complicated than that. Perhaps after over 15 yrs of marriage I'm realizing he's not the one for me. And as for being weak to handle being around other men, that's not true at all ! What do you mean by that? Very sarcastic and rude in my opinion and not very practical is it? Thanks for no help at all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

First the old saying the grass always look greener, and this person or friend has no business even mentioning they would sleep with you. This would be out of line and shows more. If for example he would say that ( which means he really would anyway) then he most likely would cheat on you to when another girl caught his eye.

It sounds like you need marriage couseling, to find that spark back in your marriage, and commitment.

I think your last statement is very accurate, but we tried counselling and he no longer wants to go. He thinks were fine. He says he loves me more than anything but it seems obsessive and controlling, but I guess what I'm seeing here as no one can really help me but myself. I have to figure it out what is best for me and my 3 amazing children.

I'm not trying to be rude.

Just giving you some advice to help you out and keep you out of trouble.

You can take a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

If you are looking for someone to support you in your decisions that are obviously not right to those of us answering you, you won't get it from us.

My advice stands whether the man is a screen name or not.

Thank you Dana2007 I appreciate that and I have not made any decisions where "the other man" is concerned. I guess it seems you think I already have which is not true. I can't seem to shake how I feel.

If you put as much time, and effort, into your marriage ,as you do with this other guy, then I think you can make progress, or at least get a resolution to your feelings and problems. Do you really think your kids can benefit by you making your husbanda part time dad? Come on and be realistic, this is a test of your marriage where you must be honest and work together and without communications and COMMITMENT, this can not happen. I think yout poisoning the process as you are way over the line of a crush, and need to get busy at home and get rid of this extra person. Me, If my wife was talking as you do she would be out of my life real quick, and he may feel the same as me, but you have to at least talk, as this is about both of you, not just you. Hope you get a grip on reality, and cope with it, in a healthy manner. If he won't go to counseling with you, then you go alone.

Klizzy writes: "I have to figure it out what is best for me and my 3 amazing children." And, yourself. I think you are playing with fire. If you pursue the younger guy you risk losing your husband, your home, and your children. You will be paying your husband child support and facing poverty; and they may have someone else in your place in short order. I am a proponent of romantic love but not at the price of driving over a cliff.

Talaniman, what you say makes complete sense, but I haven't given you the complete scenerio here. It's a very long story about the way my husband treats me with little respect. I'm sure most women would have been gone long ago. But I too made a commitment and did not see the way his behaviour was affecting me or our children and yes sometimes I feel his influence on the children would be better if there wasn't any. And as for George's comment about paying him support I would not have to because the children would be with me. There is no way on earth he would ever get them. He's a pilot and hardly ever home. He would never be there for them and have to hire a "sitter". I would love to go to couselling be he doesn't want me to. Thinks we don't need it and if I went he'd make it miserable for me at home. He couldn't handle me confiding in someone else. I can't afford it myself, therefore it would go through insurance and he'd know about it. I can't tell him about the crush because he'd fly off the handle. I'd be scared what he'd do. One night he kept me up all night arguing with me and I had to get the kids up for school at 6:30am. Of course he slept in. I had about 2 hrs sleep. I really don't know what else to say. He'll be home soon. I must go.

Klizzy writes: "He couldn't handle me confiding in someone else. I can't afford it myself, therefore it would go through insurance and he'd know about it... One night he kept me up all night arguing with me and I had to get the kids up for school at 6:30am. Of course he slept in. I had about 2 hrs sleep."
Thank you for the additional information. It sounds as though you are a prisoner, an emotional hostage. I believe you need a counselor for yourself; worry about his emotions later. And, a competent family lawyer. It could be the crush is no more than an emotional escape route. But you should look after yourself and your children, regardless of how antiseptic his torture may be.

I can only go by what you write, but if you have the time for your crush, then you have time for a counselor. Which one would pi$$ him off more? If its so bad, then tell him your leaving, and leave.

Look, don't mean to be harsh, as I can understand your misery, but be fair I am not a mindreader, and to risk it all on a crush, and not in some positive support from a professional, just pi$$es me off, Sorry.

I'm thinking you are in an abusive situation and you have met a man who appears to be kind and pays attention to you.
You don't need this man, you need some counseling and out of your marriage IMO.
You don't need to be continuing contact with this man, he may not be so nice a person. I mean he knows you're married and he chatting with you anyway, some men can smell a lonely woman a mile away.
You need to get some help and then make some decisions about your marriage.

Ok so here's an update. I made up my mind that no matter what my husband tried to convince me of doing, I would make an appointment with the psychologist we had seen twice previously. Our Valentine's Day did not go as planned, but these things sometimes happen and I wasn't too emotional over it. It was a real lack of communication. We thought we'd go out to dinner but then he said it was too late (which it wasn't because this place we like to go doesn't take reservations) and he had to get up early to go to work the next day. I worked at home a little later than usual because I had to fix a machine that was broken, then had to run into town before 8pm to drop off fundraising tickets for my oldest son. He assumed I was going in earlier and would be back @ 7:30pm to go out and was annoyed when I met up with him at the rink and that I was leaving then @ 7pm at which point he then decided it was too late. Since he said he didn't want to go out I decided to order pizza for everyone to make the best of the situation. When I got home @ 8:15pm he was furious and locked himself in our room. After all this I figured we should talk. In bed I thought we were having some good communication. I haven't felt attracted to him in awhile and talaniman said we need to be honest with each other, so I figured this was a good time to start. I explained I was feeling confused lately about how I feel and I wanted to get my head straightened out and talk to our psycologist. He said why everything's fine. Of course in my head I'm thinking "in his mind". So, I asked if he still felt butterflies and in love with me and he said yes... and I had to say that I didn't feel the same at this time, but that I wanted to make it better. I was also never originally ever attracted to him physically from the beginning... he somehow won me over, so he basically knows this but when I told him I wasn't physically attracted to him of course he was hurt and I told him I didn't want to hurt him but he asked for the truth. Are we supposed to lie to our spouses? Well then the HUGE question was posed. He asked about all the times we had sex... was that a lie? And I said well it was just sex and then he asked if I was thinking of other men... I ignored the question at first... I didn't want to answer... then he asked again and I felt if I'm going to feel a bond with him I needed to be honest because at this point I was feeling kind of numb, confused and outside of myself. Do couples in general always think of their partner when having sex? Anyway my answer was , "yes" and then he was completely disgusted with me... I admitted it was only one person... the "crush" and that's all it is and I'm going for help to get over this silly fantasy. Well what insued after was aweful. He called me slut, whore a dozen times or more... said I cheated on him and he can't even look at me anymore, he's going to spread it all over Facebook what a horrible person I am and tell our kids. He then left for work in the morning for six days, left his wedding ring at home, wanted me to give my rings to him saying they were his and said he's going to look for someone better and when he leaves me he's going to fly(he's a pilot) in europe and I won't get a penny from him.

Upon entering the garage to drive our one son to school I discovered he had taken our new van and both sets of keys and left me with our older civic which has a gasline leak he hasn't got around to fixing yet. He also threw my favourite cd out of the van a wrote slut on it. The singer on the cd is my crush. Without the van I am unable to drive my kids with their friends anywhere. I really enjoy being able to take them where they want to go.

HOMEGIRL... thank you for your concern. This crush I have is not a threat to my husband and I've told him that... he's just someone that I want to be friends with because I enjoy his music and he's fun to be around. The crush aspect of it I'm sure will soon disappear. We spent some time alone together and he was a perfect gentleman. In my eyes he wouldn't be someone I would want to build a intimate serious relatioinship with. His life is very unsettled at this time. I love people in general and the world is full of amazing people and when you meet a new person you find interesting you shouldn't back away because you're female and he's male. I think my situation over my friend "crush" is weighing heavy on my mind because I'm not happy at home. I want to be happy... doesn't everyone deserve to be happy. I find happiness with my children but I don't with my husband so much anymore. I don't ever find his humour funny... I'm not even sure if I ever did.

If you turned the tables and he was the one talking to another woman how would you feel? Probably not very good, What everyone here is trying to tell you is be sure of what your doing, before it is too late. I was once faced with an attraction like this. Sure it makes you feel gitty and young again like a silly school girl. There are many temtations out there. If you truly are unhappy divorce your husband . Then look at other men You are heading down a slippery slop with your flirting and thinking of men in sexual ways.
To me your already cheating on him. By having someone else in your head.

I think my situation over my friend "crush" is weighing heavy on my mind because I'm not happy at home. I want to be happy... doesn't everyone deserve to be happy. I find happiness with my children but I don't with my husband so much anymore. I don't ever find his humour funny... I'm not even sure if I ever did.

The more you speak to this other man. The more you will detest your husband

Quote:

Originally Posted by Klizzy

HOMEGIRL..... thank you for your concern. This crush I have is not a threat to my husband and I've told him that.....he's just someone that I want to be friends with because I enjoy his music and he's fun to be around. The crush aspect of it I'm sure will soon disappear. We spent some time alone together and he was a perfect gentleman. In my eyes he wouldn't be someone I would want to build a intimate serious relatioinship with. His life is very unsettled at this time. I love people in general and the world is full of amazing people and when you meet a new person you find interesting you shouldn't back away because you're female and he's male. I think my situation over my friend "crush" is weighing heavy on my mind because I'm not happy at home. I want to be happy.....doesn't everyone deserve to be happy. I find happiness with my children but I don't with my husband so much anymore. I don't ever find his humour funny......I'm not even sure if I ever did.

This is a threat to your marriage because it affects you and therefore affects both of you. Sounds like you are in an unhappy marriage and you need to as my grandmother used to say "pee or get off the pot"
It sounds like you are not in love with your husband and things can only go down hill. End it, get some counseling and see where all of this takes you.
I think the facination with this man is due to the unhappiness in your marriage, but you either need to leave him alone and work on your marriage or leave it.