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We have not been getting along, the kids wants us to stop arguing ,sex is not great anymore , and she has new person of interest in her life, and now she wants out of the marriage not to say he is the cause. How should I confront him, and should I let the children know that their mother doesn't want this family to stay together anymore. Even though I do?
No, you do not go and confront this guy. He could call the police and say you were trespassing or, at the least, an unwanted visitor. Then you would be escorted off his property.
No, you do not tell your children that your wife and their mother does not want to stay in the marriage. That sets them against their mother. Makes you look like the saint and her the sinner. I know that is your idea there - make her look like the villain, but refrain from that.
You AND your wife need to sit down together and talk through all this. Use a mediator if necessary, to keep order and rationalization afloat. A marriage counselor would be a good person for you both to see. Get everything out in the open and then discuss this.
Perhaps she will still want to leave. Why stop her? Honestly, why stop someone who is hellbent on leaving? But you two should tell the children together. In as much dignity as you two can muster and with as much compassion for those children as you once had in your marriage.
Don't bad mouth your wife to your children. That negative play never gets anyone ahead. The children can make up their own mind about how they feel about their parents.
I am sorry about these sad circumstances. Two things come to mind: you need a personal advisor, such as pastor or social worker with training in marital relations; and you need a lawyer. I would leave the kids out of it as much as possible; from what I understand, they often feel blamed for the discord even though not responsible.
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Originally Posted by saddad212
First off, how long have you two been married, how old are the kids, and what are the issues that started the arguments? Money, long hours at work, or what? That's the bottom layer of the marriage breakdown. When you're fighting and arguing sex is going to be crap anyway, your sex life is a reflection on your state of mind and marriage, so don't use that as a cause when it's a symptom, okay?
NEW is the operative word. The grass is always greener on the other side, when you're feeling down. Personally, any man that thinks it's okay to get in the way of a marriage isn't going to prove worth a light at the end of the day. He might feel special now but once your ring is off the end of her finger - bet your bottom dollar that nine times out of ten, he'll run for the hills. Don't confront him, you'll be seen as the villain and it'll boost her ego, she'll think she's Mata Hari.
Tell her you agree to separate, but you want her to agree to deal with an impartial mediator with you, a professional. Don't agree to just give up the kids - you don't know much about this guy and he could be a kiddie diddler for all you know, so if she intends to go to him - you want a background check. You want to know how he intends to support your family. Once he realises that he's had the fun and now he's looking to get the responsibility, he might look to run anyway. If you are going to keep the kids - you want a visitation schedule set in place with her, and you want to know about HER contribution to the kid's maintenance. Those kids are the main issue here.
When she calls, be pleasant. Don't be overly interested in what's going on in her life. Don't be a support when her new relationship goes pear shaped. Make sure you look clean, and nice. If she's taking the kids for the weekend, and she asks what you're going to be doing, just say spending it with a good friend. Take it slowly. You can marry at haste, repent at leisure - you can also do the same with divorce.
I think you need to leave the kids out of everything and do not confront the new man. It will end up bad. You just need to move on and slowly get into the mind set of a single parent. You will be fine. You seem like a great dad and sweet man, you will find someone who appriciates that.Quote:
Originally Posted by saddad212
Best thing to do here is just breath. Try to set aside your emotions, as tough as it is, and think of it as a conflict you can solve. You need to ask your wife if she is willing to go to therapy with you to try and save your marriage. If she is willing, go and take it for everything its worth. It might not fix things, but you will deal with the issues not just avoid them and run. THerapy is very good for two people who want to be together , but just can't seem to figure out how at the moment.
Definitely, definitely, Definitely leave the kids out of it. That is their mother, she will always be that, do not try to take that from them. Her wanting out has nothing to do with them and if you say such things tha is when they start wondering what they did wrong. Just try to avoid conflict around them. Excuse yourself from the house for awhile if you feel an argument is inevitable. Kids are smart, I am sure they have already picked up on things. Just let them know you love them and their mom loves them. DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS TO THEM OR AROUND THEM. If you do, I promise you will be sorry someday.
Get professional help, you'd be amazed!
You have been given some very good suggestions and I hope you take them to heart, especially the one about not involving your kids in adult matters and not confronting the other guy. I would like to know your ages, and a little about this conflict though, if you could.
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