I have been married for five years. We have a good marriage, I am basically happy and really have no complaints. When we were dating I was also seeing a guy I worked with. This continued for about a year. When my husband proposed marriage, I spilled my guts and broke it off, telling him I needed to decide what I want. I knew I was in love with the other guy and thought once I was single he might want to take things beyond casual, but I was wrong. After several weeks I decided to accept my husbands proposal and we married three months later. I knew in my heart I didn't love him the way I loved the other, but I was happy with him and believed things would fall in place. Now it is almost six years later and I have never been able to get over the other guy. We did not speak for several years but I would break down and cry frequently, and every time I ran into him I felt like having a nervous breakdown. Now we are friends and he even hangs out with my husband. I'm not planning to leave my husband or have an affair, I just don't know how to deal. Why does it still hurt so bad after so long, will it ever get better, and can I ever have a successful marriage while I'm in love with someone else? I don't want to feel this way forever.

Its easy for women to love multiple men, we're just so lovable!

It starts this way, you meet, fall in love, marry and start your own male reproducing system. There is almost no way a mother cannot love her children. I say almost because children can be awful tough on a parent.

As to a situation where you are in Love with an adult male and then a second and third, be very careful. Us males don't like that you ladies to be like that for some reason. I mean it's okay for us guys to be like that, but not you ladies. :)

If you are married, stop right there. You have pledged your fidelity to one person, if you open the door to other males, you have just violated your own vow. If you can't trust yourself to keep a vow, who then would be responsible for your behavior?

Finally, to me, personally, you really have to be accurate with the usage of the term "Love." The way I've come to view my "Love" for my wife is not the same feeling and view of "Love" that I have for our nieces and nephews. There are women that I truly believe I love and respect just because they have earned that level of devotion, so to speak. You will in fact meet some of these ladies here on this forum. Although that "Love" is not the same "Love" as in married "Love." They have all earned the privilege to be loved.

I need some more cough syrup. I'm basically trying to get you to look at the word love and then see if you are applying the terms that go with it in the same way to each male. If your only interpretation of Love involves sex and all the folderol, then please be very, very careful.

You cannot be in love with 2 people. You can be in love with one and in "lust" with another. But, loving two people at the same time doesn't happen. Plus you are married, keep what good thing you have. There are enough divorces!

It is entirely possible to be in love with 2 people at the same time. I've done it myself.

The thing is--love doesn't make a relationship work. YOU decide what makes a relationship work. Obviously, the other guy didn't pursue you when you were single, and your husband did, and then you made a PROMISE, a vow, to your husband.

I know it's hard to forget the other guy, but every single time you wonder about him, train yourself to think about something wonderful about your husband. Every time you think of something the other guy does that makes him dear to you, think of something he does that drives you crazy (if you can't think of anything, then it's an obsession, not love; love allows you to see someone's flaws and like them anyway).

You need to recommit yourself to your husband. You made him a promise that you would do so. Loving someone else has NOTHING to do with that promise, not if you love your husband too.

If you didn't love your husband, my answer would be different---but you say you do. All you need to do is when you find yourself thinking about the other guy, force yourself to think of something you love about your husband.

You don't love this man, you love the memory. Of what he was, what might have been. Neither exists because if he had been serious about you, he'd have pursued you. You've been married a few years, and no matter how much you love each other, life gets a bit humdrum, so you start to 'remember' what night have been. What might have been, is you might actually be married to the other guy and feeling this same way about the man who's now your husband.

As to his hanging out with your husband, all very nice, but are you sure this guy doesn't know how you feel and is getting an ego boost on all this? I hate to say this, but there are some circumstances where feeling the way you do, you should take your husband and lead him into other friendships away from this guy, just in case.

Let's say it as it is. The other man, the same as your husband, still defecates, passes wind in bed, and has the same ways. Heck, he could even be worse - he's single and your husband has had the benefit of you 'training' him these past few years:)

You can't love 2 people. Ask any anthropologist. Impossible.

Holly,

Please educate me from your perspective.

What is your perception of, "Love?" What is the difference between love and lust, again from your perspective only, please

Holly,

Saying you can't be in love with 2 people, to me, is the same as saying you can't love 2 children.

It's hard to make a commitment to two different people---but love itself is infinite.

Love for your children is a different kind of love. So that comparison is not quite fair synnen. I will try to find a link to an article I read about love from an anthropologist perspective. I really don't mean to be harsh to Shadabrata, I am just offering up what it is to me.

I'd love to see that article, really.

I just... have been there. I loved two people equally. I was in love with different aspects of each of them. They were both my friends, there was a sexual charge, and I could see myself growing old with either of them. There was never a case of familiarity driving us apart, I trusted them both completely, and I was able to be completely honest with each of them.

Basically--I felt for both guys the same way I currently feel about my husband--as a matter of fact, my husband was one of those guys.

The reason I chose him over the other guy? He asked for a commitment from me first. I thought about it, and spoke with BOTH of them, and talked about the whole situation, and basically made a life-changing decision with the help of BOTH of the men I loved.

Then I made the conscious decision to NOT love the other guy as more than a friend. It took work, but it WAS possible.

I think that social stigmas have more to do with how we view love than any biological factor. It just isn't socially acceptable to have a marriage (or other commitment) with THREE people involved. Polyamory is really not a socially accepted form of love which gets relegated back to "lust" and "sex" by people who simply can not comprehend how love can be more than one man and one woman (or 2 people, anyway, regardless of gender).

I don't think you can MAKE yourself fall out of love with anyone, and if you can, then you never truly loved them. Anyway, the anthropologist I was speaking of was Helen e. Fisher. You can look her up and study some of her works. I have been reading her a lot lately. She is very intelligent and puts a lot of work into her studies of love and culture around the world.

Holly,

If you choose to answer the questions I submitted to you, please I am interested in how "You" think, act and not act. For what ever your reasons are. I don't need or want anecdotal support for your answers.

I have no intention of mocking or attacking or even belittling you. If you would prefer to just send me a private message, that's fine. After I read it I will obliterate it. Personally I'm about as romantic as a starched white business shirt, hanging in the closet.

I'm just really curious how far off into the spectrum I am because of now being 61. I'm curious how a teen or early 20s young lady thinks along these romantic lines.

That's all, nothing nefarious.

I think that love and lust are often comfused because of the way they make your feel. The Dopamine and Endorphines in your body make you feel about the same. I can't answer your question sir. The reason is because love is not an easy thing to describe, neither is lust, but there is a difference I promise you. I do understand that I am only 22 years old and there are many life experiences that I have not yet had, so until this situation happens to me, I will stick to my guns on this one. I did not mean to offend anyone with my posts nor did I mean to cause a philosophical discussion. The lady asked for opinions and I gave her mine. That's it. I am not badgering anyone that believes they were in love with 2 men at the same time. I am just saying that I do not believe what they felt was truly love. Love is a very powerful emotion, it can play tricks on you.

I agree with Synnen. Perhaps because I have been in almost exactly the same spot.

Holly,

We are out of sync. I'm not asking about what is physically going on inside the body. I do not care about the physical chemical reactions going on. I'm looking, as an example only, Brandon. According to your monica, you love him, correct.

Now, what sets him apart from all the other males in your world, from your perspective.

For me, "Love" has changed so many times over the course of my life. It has grown, shrunk, disappeared, refused to come back when I felt I needed it and out of nowhere, Love was back, but ever so different then when I first learned the term.

At 18, love meant "Sex, right there and then!" When we lost three children in our early to mid 20s, Love to me meant absolute pain. I Loved my wife, still do, I would have Loved the boys if we had been given the opportunity, but we weren't. I could not be useful in taking the pain off my wife, because I didn't understand it.

"Lust", my definition says, lust is a very short intense desire for sex, period. For me, because I'm married, it means if I see another woman and she ignites my passions (:)), I respond according to the rule of nature.

Lust, is something that I have a responsibility to control and manage. I'm married, and while I cannot control the "lust event", I am accountable to both myself and wife for my behavior regarding lust.

I have the ability to say, "Oops, fell in lust again!" And let it go as it is just a temporary event. I do not have to rush off like an animal in heat.

Love, is enduring and teaching and fun and all sorts of things. To me sex is an expression of love, but it not the entire meaning of "Love"

.. I love a lot of women... everywhere. Surprisingly... I'm OK with it. =D

You've received some good responses here. I believe that there's a difference between love and lust and it's easy to confuse the two. I also believe that there's a difference between love and commitment. Finally, I believe it's important to consider not only how much you love someone but how much do they love you? I think the central point to be considered in your situation, as has already been pointed out, is that your husband is the one who proposed to you and was willing to make the commitment to you. This other guy had the chance but didn't. I think that's the real answer to your question right there.

Keep in mind that these are only my opinions. And those people that "feel" that they were in love with two people, that is very unfortunate for you because that must be a horrible feeling. I couldn't imagine having my brain and my heart fueding and neither knowing which is the right direction. It must be very hard. I firmly believe that life is what you make it. And, in order for anything to advance and for life to go on, a decision must be made. Whichever decision the heart decides on, that was the one that you truly loved from the beginning. Your heart will never lead you down the wrong path, but while you're on your way down this long and winding road of love, take your brain with you. It will come in handy. Love is a many splendid thing and shouldn't be so complicated. But if it wasn't complicated, there would probably be no men left. Good luck in your decisions and I hope your heart and your brain make a decision to put you out of agony. Life will treat your well, I have a feeling. All my best wishes.

I think if you cut contact with the other guy, and focus on your husband, you have a chance of getting over him in time, and healing from this confusion. Be patient with yourself, and honor the boundaries, that marriage brings. Have you ever talked to your husband, about your past relationship with this fellow? If not, that is an option to consider, to avoid any future situations. If he knows, then he can help you with the no contact, knowing he makes you uncomfortable now. Good luck.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by hollylovesbrandon

You cannot be in love with 2 people. You can be in love with one and in "lust" with another. But, loving two people at the same time doesn't happen. Plus you are married, keep what good thing you have. there are enough divorces!

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Its almost normal to have intense feelings, for more than one human. The real key is what you do about those feelings. You may not be able to control how you feel, but you have complete control, over what you do with them.