Ask Me Help Desk - My husband had a crush.

My husband who I have been in a committed relationship with for over 7 years (we havea two year old son) just revealed he had a crush on a coworker.

I did the whole twentyquestions digging and found out that for a few months about six months ago a coworker and he flirted. He said for the first time in seven years he was attracted to someone else.

I went out of town and apparently he got the phone book out and thought to call her. He hung up the phone, never called. I guess his original "stupid" idea was to have her over for a movie, just to hang out. He realized it was stupid- he was married and attracted to her.

Months later she quit, and I guess that is when the crush ended. I know he never cheated- and I believe that he felt bad- but I can't help freaking out that he found her attractive.

During our fights, I asked what was so great and he said her body. When asked if it was better than mine, he said yes- etc. etc.

I feel crushed and betrayed. I wonder what he thought when he saw her and why he slipped so far away from "us."

I guess he was right to be loyal, but why does it still feel like this crush went too far without him stopping it? Is this really normal? How do I know it won't happen again?
Why does this hurt so much, and how do I forget?

crushedintwo: "...but why does it still feel like this crush went too far without him stopping it?"
Because you feel betrayed, rightly or wrongly.

"Is this really normal?" I think folks feel different ways about this.

"How do I know it won't happen again? You really don't.

"Why does this hurt so much, and how do I forget?" I think you feel betrayed by your husband; forgetting will depend on time and how much you are able to communicate with and trust your husband. I think you may benefit by involving a relationship/marital couselor to work on communication skills. Can you distinguish between a 'crush' and an 'emotional affair'? See: Is Your Crush Harmless? 7 Signs of Emotional Cheating

First be happy that he was only window shopping and did not go into the store to sample the merchandise. You are over reacting now, which is normal.

How do you know it will never happen again? You don't know and won't know. But from the way he handled it this time, I'm sure he's a window shopper at heart.

How to I forget? Stop dwelling on it for one thing and start being the loving, wonderful woman your husband fell in love with in the first place. If anything, be more loving and wonderful and he won't want to stray... ever!

First please don't feel unsecured about your husband being attracted to other women. There is nothing you can do to prevent this because it totally natural. It has nothing to due with you or the way you look.

Are you not attractive to other men? Matthew McConaughey, LL Cool J etc.

The problem comes in when the committed person acts on this attraction. Your husband in my opinion your husband is not that bright. Why would he even think about calling her? And why in hell would he come and tell you... How do you even start the conversation?

Hey, baby I'm home how was everything while I was away? Everything went great. By the way there this hot chick at the job, we flirted a little nothing serious andI thought I would give her a call but you know I thought that would be totally stupid so I decided not to call her. I love you. How was your trip?

The fact that he didn't continue tells me that he his some moral fiber. That fact that he told you makes him and idiot.

Don't worry about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by crushedintwo

My husband who I have been in a commited relationship with for over 7 years (we havea two year old son) just revealed he had a crush on a coworker.

I did the whole twentyquestions digging and found out that for a few months about six months ago a coworker and he flirted. He said for the first time in seven years he was attracted to someone else.

I went out of town and apparently he got the phone book out and thought to call her. He hung up the phone, never called. I guess his original "stupid" idea was to have her over for a movie, just to hang out. He realized it was stupid- he was married and attracted to her.

Months later she quit, and I guess that is when the crush ended. I know he never cheated- and I believe that he felt bad- but I can't help freaking out that he found her attractive.

During our fights, I asked what was so great and he said her body. When asked if it was better than mine, he said yes- etc. etc.

I feel crushed and betrayed. I wonder what he thought when he saw her and why he slipped so far away from "us."

I guess he was right to be loyal, but why does it still feel like this crush went too far without him stopping it? Is this really normal? How do I know it won't happen again?
Why does this hurt so much, and how do I forget?

I think your husband was totally insensitive for telling you what he did. Why, was it to appease his guilt? I believe you have every right to be hurt and angry, because he did not think about you or your child when he was flirting with the coworker and thinking of acting on it. His comments seemed to intentially hurt you, why, is he trying to say something else?

That's out of the way now, you know that no matter what he says, you are a dedicated wife and wonderful mother, and he can't take that away from you. I think you both need to sit down and fully discuss this and if he doesn't already know, tell him how betrayed you feel, ask him why, you have a right to be told the truth. I believe once you know the reasons, and he has to accept responsibility for how you feel, you begin to can forgive him and heal the hurt, and rebuild the trust in each other. Try not to dwell on it too long, you do have to let it go.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kraz

I think your husband was totally insensitive for telling you what he did. Why, was it to appease his guilt?

I disagree.
First of all, the day that you married your husband didn't cause a magical chip to permanently stick to his brain that would make everyone, but yourself, ugly and unattractive.
His brain and mind stayed completely intact, only he had one true love, and that's you!
Otherwise, just like before, he will find attractive women attractive, he will have a crush on women who have good personalities and look good to him.
This, is inevitable. Just as it would be for you as well.
Feelings are feelings there is NO WAY for him to have a conversation with his feelings to let them know he is not okay with what is going on, when it comes to attraction!
It just happens!
So that is nothing you should be angry about. I'm not saying it isn't something you shouldn't be bothered about, because that is completely natural. I mean he is your husband, you want him to love you and only you. And he does! Which is proven by his honesty!
But being legitimately angry and making him feel bad about it, is not the most rational thing to do. He can't help but have feelings for this girl.
Finally, about his telling you about it. I think that is the most respectful and loving thing a man can do! This shows he is open to communicate with you, and he will let you in on anything that is happening.
He told you he had feelings for this girl, I had a friend who did the same with his wife. He said there was a good chance he could have cheated on his wife, but he loved her, and being a difficult thing to not yield to the temptation of going further with his crush or for anything to happen, he talked to his wife about it.
He told her he had feelings for this woman, and told her everything that has happened, and about her.
They talked, and he felt better, and even more in love with his wife, because she listened.
This illustrates one of the most important, if not THE most important aspect of a relationship: COMMUNICATION.
And this is exactly what your husband was doing. He was communicating with you, and letting you know what was going on. He felt tempted because of this girl, and he probably needed a something to pull him back. And what better way to do that, than by talking with the one you love.
This most likely brought him to reality. And could be a great opportunity to strengthen your bond and your trust.
If you reject what your husband is sharing with you, like a situation like this, there is a good chance that next time he will act like a lot of other people do. He will first try to overcome it, and then he will yield to it, because there would be a lack of communication between the two of you, and he may feel angry about your rejecting his actions of wanting to share how he feels.

So basically, your husband did not cheat on you, he had a crush, which is normal, and happens.
Not only did he not yield to temptations, he talked to you about it!
This shows that you are is partner, and will always be no matter what.
He had the opportunity to cheat on you and he didn't. Which means that there is a great chance the he never will.
I would praise him for that. I would talk to him, and let him know how much you appreciate his actions, and how much he shared with you.
Let him know that you hope that you can maintain this wonderful communication that you have together. And most of all let him know you love him!
What he did was great and rare.
So cherish it!

Crushedintwo - I read all of the answers and your post and I came to this conclushion :: Spontaneouslemon , Wrote the best answer of all ,I think you should reread his complete answer again before talking to your husband, then go and talk to him about this situation lemon said the best you could ever get .;; My wife will be married 50 years and three kids this comeing MAY 16 tH. I am not going to say that I never looked at another woman and thought ,wow what a figure 7 she's beattiful. GOD put beautiful women on this earth for men to look at, its always been that way and always will be that way. I told her this a very long time ago, all she said was look and don't touch. I think one thing your husband was getting at is this:: once a woman has a baby she loses her girlihsh figure, the one he married. My wife got larger and lost her girlish figure,even though she tried in all kinds of waysto get it back. I think your husband was really attracted to her figure ,because you stated you had a young baby boy, ( DID YOU EVER GET YOUR REAL FIGURE BACK? THE ONE HE MARRIED?? You need to think about this. . Now don't think about it from dawn to dusk, and let it EAT you alive. Teel him you forgive him and start over.and most of all ( FORGET ) ,and really he has not broke your trust or your & his vowels, he still YOU::: GOOD LUCK AND 50 years FROM NOW LOOK BACK ON THIS AND LAUGH HARD THE BOTH OF YOU ::: GOD BLESS ;:: F.B.E. OH remember - there will be many rough roads ahead and if you both meet them togreather you will master them all :::: I WISH YOU BOTH THE VERY BEST & INVITE TO YOUR 50 th :: F.B.E.

It would be hard to hear your partner is attracted to another. I met a girl after work with some friends of mine, she was a waitress and had the most attractive body and face. I also had a really young daughter and a GF at home. We flirted, she gave me her number and I accepted it. I never called and threw it away feeling pretty bad. It was all for the satisfaction of knowing that I was still attractive to other females. I left it there and never went back (even though that was my hang out place for one hour a week) A month later I told my GF about the waitress and how I felt about the waitress and she thanked me for being honest. I told her for a few reasons. Guilt was the main reason, but I also wanted her to see that I am honest with her no matter what. I see girls everyday that I find attractive and sometimes even imagine another dreamland scenario for myself. I love my GF no less, and will stay loyal. She is happy to know that if I were to ever sway, (not that I would) she would certainly be the first to know. But more than that, I believe she trusts me more for having spilled the beans on something I could have kept to myself. There are so many people that would sleep more sound having established an honest relationship like the one you seem to have.

You know sometimes men and women who are married do get crushes on other people. It's normal. It doesn't mean you are any less attractive to him it just means he saw another cute lady. I'm sure if you saw a cute man you wouldn't feel bad for thinking he's cute. Of course it'll make you feel bad to know he likes other people to but there's nothing we can do about thinking other people are cute. Some people just get a little carried away with it but as long as he stays loyal to you that's all that should matter.