I am trying to get through the nights... My eighteen yr old daughter has recently, moved out. She came home from work on Thurs night. Told me of another job offer that would better work with her school.

She was offered a babysitting position, it would entail, providing after school care for an 8 yr old and a 13 yr old boys... ensure the homework was done, light housekeeping, making dinner four nights of the week. For all of this she would receive $125.00 a week. I asked her what was wrong with her present job (retail - 25 +/- hrs a week). I asked her for who, she told me Paula. Now the real problem presents itself, Paula is a 40 +/- yr old woman, mother of 3 --- the two boys previously mentioned and her 17 yr old son. It should be noted that her father offered her $125.00 a week to come home and do her own homework... I think he sensed something... I told her I did not think it was a good idea.

Saturday night she was do home from work around 10 pm at which time we get a phone call... Our daughter says, "I am going to stay at Paula's tonight, just wanted to let you know, so you wouldn't worry." - My husband and I were shocked, I asked, "Are you asking me or telling me?" Then I hear this grown woman telling her to say "SAYING, say the word SAYING - that way you are not telling or asking" Now my husband and I are just beside ourselves we are just plain angry, who is this woman and why is she interfering??

Paula gets on the phone with us (we have her on speaker - she knows this). My husband asks her to please not allow our daughter to stay the night over there. She tells us that she will not allow her to sleep out in the cold. We respond she doesn't have too, she has a warm house to come home to... Now we are very confused! I ask her to please consider what it looks like for an 18 yr old girl to stay the night at a 17 yr old boys home. She proceeds to tell me how mature and responsible my daughter is and that I don't appreciate it. She goes on to tell me what a help our daughter has been while she has been going through her divorce. It was then that I made things worse. I informed her that she has no right to talk to a child about her divorce. She then said, "See your mother thinks you are just a child!" The phone hung up.

Next communication transpired on Sunday when our daughter called and asks can I come and get my clothes?. Her clothes that she had already packed were placed on the front porch (her request so she didn't have to see us). Our (my husband and I) requested leave your car, cell phone and credit cards in the driveway. She did.

I know we did the right thing, I just feel terrible. Our honor roll daughter is this stupid, I have no choice but to admit that! Her strong will (which I have been very proud of) will keep her from admitting she has made a mistake. This woman is a self serving, egotistical, BEEOTCH, that is using my daughter for cheap child care that she hopes will last the summer.

Now I must come to terms with the fact that my daughter may not graduate with her class, and that college may have to wait... Her school consoler has offered her sympathy she knows Paula and says she has major issues with her on a regular basis... at least once a week the school consoler has to speak with Paula because her son does not believe the rules apply to him. In the consolers opinion Paula does not think the rules should apply to her either... Bottom line our daughter is on probation for unexcused absences...

It is now the next Sunday, and she has not tried to contact us. Now we sit and wait, how long till she wakes up?? She may never come home, we need to learn to let go...

How could this beautiful loving child, turn to such a heartless cruel person?? Why is she trying to punish her father and I?? I can without hesitation say we did the very best we could with the information we had at the time.

Sorry so long, and thanks to any of you who read all the way through this... I guess I had a lot to say... Appreciate any advice or guidance any may have. Very interested in what a teenagers perspective on this may be.

SHe is eighteen and unfortunately there is nothing you can do.. YOU already know that though... huh? My daughter got caught up with some people that talked to aliens... were superior beings, etc... MY God that one nearly killed us.

Anyway, what we have determined is that we loved our daughter and somewhere she loves us too (Mine was honor roll with a full scholarship to 4 year college when she told us we were holding her back and everything was our fault... so she dumped the scholarship and is now working at a gas station!! )

So, anyway we know your pain... point here is she is slowly coming around and I bet yours will too. Give her time she will miss her home.. she will be embarrassed by her actions... and all we as parents can do is reassure her that we made mistakes too and that we love them... BUT I BET you knew that too!! GOD bless and good luck

I'm curious why you think your daughter would be trying to punish you and your husband?

Maybe this is your daughter's way of trying to tell you she can be an independent adult and live on her own? (even though it sounds a lot more like she's being manipulated and used by this awful woman... maybe she hasn't realized that yet.) if that's the case, I wouldn't try to talk her into moving back in (something's telling me she's stubborn and would only be more determined not to come back). Maybe call her though just to say hi and invite her to go out to dinner or something like that just to remind her that you're still there, you still love her, and that she is able to return home.

After reading your post I'm not exactly sure what the issues are. Your daughter accepted a job babysitting for Paula ; nothing irregular about that in and of itself. You said it's an after-school position so that shouldn't interfere with her school attendance. I have to think that her attendance and other academic issues are unrelated to her job. Now if the job entails her living at Paula's full time, that's something else again. It doesn't seem appropriate or necessary for this to be a live-in position. But if it is, and your daughter insists on moving in with Paula just for the sake of this job, then it's really out of your hands since she is 18. In that case, all you can really do is what you've already done ; take her car, cell phone and credit cards. Let her now provide those things for herself or let Paula provide them for her. I do think that it's wrong for Paula to come between you and your daughter. Your relationship is none of Paula's business. Paula is your daughter's employer and that's it. Now if your daughter does in fact move in with Paula and the school contacts you about her attendance or other academic issues, just explain the situation to them and pass the buck to Paula. But, bottom line is, I don't see why your daughter can't just work for Paula after school but continue to reside with you and complete her education. I have to suspect that something else is going on here.

I am curious, who told you that your daughter was trying to punish you? Maybe she just needed some space. I know if I was under that much pressure, college, a honor role, work, which I am, then I would want to get out of the house. Maybe she just needed a change of scenery. Think this way, maybe she likes that 17 year old boy. It is definitely possible that she does. And also, you cannot intervein because she is a legal adult. Hope I helped.
Nikki

I'm older than dirt, have raised two kids, and am a counselor (among other things).

My suggestion is that you cool your jets. Your daughter is currently immune to being guilt-tripped into returning home. If anything, you will turn her more and more against you. She is 18 and of legal age to make her own decisions. We don't know what's going on here, so take the high road and hope that your good parenting will rise to the top.

Meanwhile, be pleasant and unassuming, and do not berate her for the decisions she has made. Make sure she knows you love her unconditionally (and "unconditionally" means you stay off her case).

Just for the fun of it, since I dislike people that use others, esp minors,
Since your daughter is getting less than min wage, and most likely not having taxes held out or social security paid a Call to the labor dept about this illegal labor would at least make you feel a little better.

It sounds like she is making some bad mistakes she will really regret latter.

But it sounds like you are doing the right thing.

Nikki,

Thanks for the post... My daughter, knows how much her father and I are hurting... she knows that we are in pain not knowing that she is safe! By her not contacting us she is making us suffer. (that is what I meant by punishing us) Andrew, that is the 17 yr old boy, is her friend has been for a couple of years. Polite enough kid, always respectful to us. Have heard very different reviews from other parents, but he has always been nothing but polite to us. However, you did make me think... A couple months ago, we had a teenage boy on our front lawn at 2:30 in the morning. I assume drunk, Darren was screaming ""J" I LOVE YOU!" Woke us up as well as the neighbors on either side of us. Andrew was pulling his shirt telling him to get out of here... Darren, is Andrews friend. Needless to say Darren is not what we would consider potential boyfriend material. But that is not for us to say, that is solely her decision.

? What would be the recommendation of how to contact her... We know the house where she is staying (formal written invitation to a restaurant)... We know the phone number over there (casual - why don't you come over for dinner tonight)... School consoler is willing to act as go between (note at school)??

Fr_Chuck

My husband will really like that!! He I think is in more pain than I am. Secretly, I like the idea too... also thought about contacting her homeowners association, asking them about owner who are operating a boarding house?? I sincerely appreciate everyone's support, I think I am about ready to put the tears away for moment!

WonderGirl

? Asking her to meet us for dinner?? Bad Idea/Good Idea?

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Originally Posted by JdsEks07

WonderGirl

? Asking her to meet us for dinner??? Bad Idea/Good Idea??

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And what would happen if you have dinner with her? Would dinner end up in a food fight? Why would you want to meet her for dinner?

Why do we want to meet her for dinner? First her father does not. He said she knows we love her and she knows we will be here when or if she needs us. Me I guess it is selfish reasons, I want to look into her eyes when I ask her why? Why is she hurting us? I need her to know that she can always come home if she needs/wants to. I was not a perfect kid - far from it - I had to live with the hurt I caused my parents, she will have to live with what she has done or will do. Her father and I do love her unconditionally, with that said I think based on what I typed and your previous post... I need to wait for her to come to us.. and just listen. I want to guilt her into doing the right thing. The right thing as I see it.

Now I sit and wait... wait for her... how long till I try to contact her?

Bad move. Don't ask why. Don't put her on the spot. Avoid talk about what she has done. Tell her family gossip or news. Talk about the dog, the weather, your need for warmer weather, how great your menu selection is, but don't talk anything about her recent adventures.

DO NOT GUILT HER!!

Thanks... I feel better, I will work on a list of safe conversations, I will add a topic each day... by the time she calls, I should be prepared with hours of small talk. I concur with my husband we will wait for her to contact us. Conditionally that is, I agreed to wait until the first of Feb... if she has not contacted us by then, then I will leave a note in the mail box... So I guess I figure out who I am, if not mommy anymore, what am I to do with the rest of my life??

You are still mommy. Give her some space and some time.

We will suggest ways for you to fill your life. Brace yourself.

The hardest thing a parent can do, is let go of our babies. Even harder when they follow a path we don't like. Leave her alone and pray she is safe and happy and live your own life. She will contact you when she is ready, and if she needs a bandaid, give it to her, but for now, learn to let this grown adult try it her way. Not a lot of choices, that make sense so make the best of it.

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So I guess I figure out who I am, if not mommy anymore, what am I to do with the rest of my life??

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You will figure it out, as do all of us empty nesters do. Skiing anyone?

I never thought of it in this context... but yes, I can see where relationship break ups are well, relationship break ups... whether mother / child or boyfriend / girlfriend or husband / wife... someone is moving on and someone is holding on... I just don't think she is ready to be out of the nest just yet! But I guess it is not my decision to make. Today has been almost tolerable, thanks to all of you! I have my work Mon-Fri and Sat if I want and I wanted to yesterday... My husband had to go out of town, so I just knew today would be rough. I must say I think today has been for lack of a better word very therapeutic. Thanks to all for your compassion and understanding. I am 42 not 82 I still have a lot of living to do!! I will start dance class tomorrow, my girlfriends asked me to go with them and I just laughed... I will surprise them when I show up tomorrow with my gym stuff... (let's hope nobodies watching while I am dancing!)