I recently met a very nice guy who I am incredibly interested in pursuing a relationship with. He is kind, gentlemanly, smart, hard working, good looking and interesting. Essentially everything a woman would want. The problem is I feel very uncomfortable with him being so nice to me. I have a feeling as though I don't deserve to be treated so well, even though deep down I like it, it makes me feel loved, and I want to reciprocate. I also think to myself that he must have some ulterior motive, and I cannot let myself get emotionally attached. I know this sounds strange but, it's how I feel. I have been in three emotionally and verbally abusive relationships in my life, and have worked hard not to repeat these mistakes through counseling. Yet I still have this discomfort with being treated well. I especially have a problem with reciprocating his niceness; I'm afraid the minute I do somehow I will become vulnerable and end up in another abusive relationship. I know I must deal with this issue before I chase him off with my sometimes cold behavior! Are there other women out there dealing with this issue that could give me their perspective and personal advice? I would really appreciate it, and wouldn't feel so alone when it comes to dealing with this. Thank you!

I'm a guy, but Just be nice, and go slow, so you can get to know him well enough to relax and be comfortable. Just tell him honestly you need to take your time, and why. As a guy, I would appreciate, and respect your honesty and act accordingly.

How closely do you know this guy at this moment? And how much do you trust yourself to judge the actions of others? I know the second question may sound superficial to some, but it is important. The issue is with how much you feel that your suspicions of "he's just being nice so he could use me later" are unwarranted because of your past, or if your rational mind truly feels he's acting nice with ulterior motives. It's not so much whether you feel you are deserving to be treated in one way or another (because I'm sure you already know in your rational mind that everyone deserves to be respected and such).

I agree with what talaniman said about being honest with this guy, but it depends on how far this relationship has developed. Are you just friends right now? Are you both flirting? I wouldn't recommend revealing too much if you're not too close since it may risk you feeling a bit too vulnerable.

However, I also feel that it's a higher priority for you to work on yourself before you involve other people too much. If you're close enough, you can tell him straightforwardly that you want to "use" him as a sort of "guinea pig" to see how much you can trust him, be nice to him, etc. Baby steps. I give the advice from this paragraph based on my own experiences with my current FWB. We both have abusive pasts. Take my word with a grain of salt though, since it's really subjective.

And if this question is not too personal, what does "being nice" mean to you? Doing simple favours are fine, and may be a great way for you to slowly recover. See how well you can detect subtle hints on whether he and as others around you are taking you for granted when you are nice to them. If they're grateful, they'll verbally make sure that they appreciate your help, do you a favour in return or buy/make you a nice gift.

In general, just work through things slowly and MAKE SURE YOUR FIRST PRIORITY IS YOURSELF.

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Originally Posted by ampersandra

How closely do you know this guy at this moment? And how much do you trust yourself to judge the actions of others? I know the second question may sound superficial to some, but it is important. The issue is with how much you feel that your suspicions of "he's just being nice so he could use me later" are unwarranted because of your past, or if your rational mind truly feels he's acting nice with ulterior motives. It's not so much whether or not you feel you are deserving to be treated in one way or another (because I'm sure you already know in your rational mind that everyone deserves to be respected and such).

I agree with what talaniman said about being honest with this guy, but it depends on how far this relationship has developed. Are you just friends right now? Are you both flirting? I wouldn't recommend revealing too much if you're not too close since it may risk you feeling a bit too vulnerable.

However, I also feel that it's a higher priority for you to work on yourself before you involve other people too much. If you're close enough, you can tell him straightforwardly that you want to "use" him as a sort of "guinea pig" to see how much you can trust him, be nice to him, etc. Baby steps. I give the advice from this paragraph based on my own experiences with my current FWB. We both have abusive pasts. Take my word with a grain of salt though, since it's really subjective.

And if this question is not too personal, what does "being nice" mean to you? Doing simple favours are fine, and may be a great way for you to slowly recover. See how well you can detect subtle hints on whether or not he and as others around you are taking you for granted when you are nice to them. If they're grateful, they'll verbally make sure that they appreciate your help, do you a favour in return or buy/make you a nice gift.

In general, just work through things slowly and MAKE SURE YOUR FIRST PRIORITY IS YOURSELF.

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First, thank you for taking the time to address my question. To answer yours, we have been on a few dates, but are taking things very slow, which is great for me. I think I have become a better judge of character because of my past experiences, and do not truly think he is being nice simply for the sake of using me later, but it is still a lingering fear of mine, especially since my most abusive ex-boyfriend started as the sweetest (taking me to very nice restaurants, long talks about life and hobbies and such, gifts, constant compliments, etc.). I really do wish I could have met this current man before all of the others, but perhaps I would not be able to recognize what a truly good man is like if I had, so I must assume everything in life happens when it does for a reason. However, my major problem is scaling the very wall I put up around myself emotionally. I find that I am defensive, and sometimes even rude to him, because I am afraid he will see a vulnerability or weakness as my past boyfriends had and take advantage of it as they did, and I will be right back where I started. I know this isn't right, and I severely chastise myself for it every time it happens, but I don't know any other way to protect myself. I am afraid that I am driving him away. I see real potential for a healthy relationship with him, and I don't want the appearance of too much emotional baggage to prevent that from blossoming.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I'm a guy, but Just be nice, and go slow, so you can get to know him well enough to relax and be comfortable. Just tell him honestly you need to take your time, and why. As a guy, I would appreciate, and respect your honesty and act accordingly.

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Thank you! It is also good to hear a man's perspective. I have been honest with him and told him of my abusive past, and he expressed his sadness that I had to have such experiences, and has said he is there if I'd like to talk. The only issue is when I attempt to open up more about my issues, he changes the subject or gives one-word answers that make it quite clear he wants to change topics. So I am not quite sure how to read this response from a man. At times, I think perhaps I should not have told him at all. I don't want to give the impression that I'm "damaged goods".

I think its to soon to be that honest, give him time to see the good side, relax and have fun. Keep the balance in your life as for now, you don't know each other. Just because he said he understands, doesn't mean to lay it all out at once, have fun and pay attention to him, to learn about him, and see if his actions match his words. That's how you keep it slow. Beware of making him too much of your life right now, as that makes you to available, and you will neglect the things that make you happy without him. To soon to just put all your eggs in his basket, if you know what I mean. Keep something back for yourself.

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Originally Posted by autumnpeppermint

First, thank you for taking the time to address my question. To answer yours, we have been on a few dates, but are taking things very slow, which is great for me. I think I have become a better judge of character because of my past experiences, and do not truly think he is being nice simply for the sake of using me later,

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Good. Dating is about learning who the guy really is and presenting yourself consistently as well. Patience is key with guys because they are often on coourting behavior when you first start which may be completely the opposite of who they really are.

Going slow is good, and don't be scared of what you learn, be honest with it. Acknowledge good and bad immediately without taking it personally.

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Originally Posted by autumnpeppermint

...it is still a lingering fear of mine, especially since my most abusive ex-boyfriend started out as the sweetest (taking me to very nice restaurants, long talks about life and hobbies and such, gifts, constant compliments, etc.).

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See, guys are hunters and they search for the best bait to use for their prey. It's your job to make sure the bait they use on you is a part of who they really are and not false. Few men can keep up the façade long term, so you have to go slow and be patient.

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Originally Posted by autumnpeppermint

...my major problem is scaling the very wall I put up around myself emotionally. I find that I am defensive, and sometimes even rude to him, because I am afraid he will see a vulnerability or weakness as my past boyfriends had and take advantage of it as they did, and I will be right back where I started.

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First, be fair with yourself, being cautious with feelings isn't all bad. The walls aren't there to be "scaled" since they protect you from bad things as well. But you are the guard at the gate, too, so you can open the door as much as is appropriate as you continue to test his sincerity. This is all good.

Second, be fair to your dates. All men are not alike. Some WILL take advantage of you when they learn what your buttons are, others will learn what your buttons are and use that knowledge to protect/enhance your relationship. And neither type will do this 100% the same each time. And even if you end up right back where you started, you keep your sanity because it's THEM that are losing out when they turn out to be schmucks, not you. Starting over again because the last guy was a loss is good, imagine NOT taking the time to fend these guys off properly and finding yourself married to one. UGH!

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Originally Posted by autumnpeppermint

I know this isn't right, and I severely chastise myself for it every time it happens, but I don't know any other way to protect myself. I am afraid that I am driving him away. I see real potential for a healthy relationship with him, and I don't want the appearance of too much emotional baggage to prevent that from blossoming.

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At least you acknowledge some of what you obsess about is baggage. Not all women do. You're an emotional creature so it's natural for you to take inventory of your life and relationships. It's only baggage if it actually stops you from acting. If you simply refer to it often when dealing with life, that's not baggage, that's experience. And good for you.

Ask him about him, and his life. Get him talking about himself and pay attention, and don't push, as humor is a key to making him comfortable about talking to you, and give you a chance to get to know him. Its all about enjoying the process of learning about each other. How old are you both, if I may ask?

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Originally Posted by autumnpeppermint

I recently met a very nice guy who I am incredibly interested in pursuing a relationship with. He is kind, gentlemanly, smart, hard working, good looking and interesting. Essentially everything a woman would want. The problem is I feel very uncomfortable with him being so nice to me. I have a feeling as though I don't deserve to be treated so well, even though deep down I like it, it makes me feel loved, and I want to reciprocate. I also think to myself that he must have some ulterior motive, and I cannot let myself get emotionally attached. I know this sounds strange but, it's how I feel. I have been in three emotionally and verbally abusive relationships in my life, and have worked hard not to repeat these mistakes through counseling. Yet I still have this discomfort with being treated well. I especially have a problem with reciprocating his niceness; I'm afraid the minute I do somehow I will become vulnerable and end up in another abusive relationship. I know I must deal with this issue before I chase him off with my sometimes cold behavior! Are there other women out there dealing with this issue that could give me their perspective and personal advice? I would really appreciate it, and wouldn't feel so alone when it comes to dealing with this. Thank you!

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Be yourself and do not put up a front or he will know something is up,and not right and bail out.let him know of your past and maybe he will be sensitive to your needs and siyuation.

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Originally Posted by autumnpeppermint

However, my major problem is scaling the very wall I put up around myself emotionally. I find that I am defensive, and sometimes even rude to him, because I am afraid he will see a vulnerability or weakness as my past boyfriends had and take advantage of it as they did, and I will be right back where I started. I know this isn't right, and I severely chastise myself for it every time it happens, but I don't know any other way to protect myself. I am afraid that I am driving him away. I see real potential for a healthy relationship with him, and I don't want the appearance of too much emotional baggage to prevent that from blossoming.

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There's no need to severely chastise yourself for your actions. You know why you're doing them. You know it's not 100% your fault because of your past. You are already being responsible by making an effort to improve yourself and that really deserves applause.

Everyone has times when they are more defensive than usual, which makes them sound angrier, ruder, more confrontational. This may occur more frequently for you because of your experiences, but the average person with a good head on their shoulders will understand this and not take it so personally. From what you've said, the guy you're interested in seems like a pretty level-headed person. Even if you don't want to explain and give too many personal details to him, a simple apology and "I'm just having a bad day" will lighten things up. He should be able to easily accept this without any grudge. In fact, the apology will show you as being an even stronger character instead of someone who's scared of being vulnerable.

It's not really how much emotional baggage that will concern a friend/relative/significant other. It's how you deal with it.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I think its to soon to be that honest, give him time to see the good side, relax and have fun. Keep the balance in your life as for now, you don't know each other. Just because he said he understands, doesn't mean to lay it all out at once, have fun and pay attention to him, to learn about him, and see if his actions match his words. Thats how you keep it slow. Beware of making him to much of your life right now, as that makes you to available, and you will neglect the things that make you happy without him. To soon to just put all your eggs in his basket, if you know what I mean. Keep something back for yourself.

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Very good advice; thank you. I guess I must have made some pretty common mistakes in my past because I have done almost all of what you are warning me against now, and it put me in the horrible situations I was in before. Hence my caution with this one. It's a tricky balance trying to be cautious but at the same time not having the frame of mind that all men are guilty until proven innocent. I'm doing my best to manage.

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

Good. Dating is about learning who the guy really is and presenting yourself consistently as well. Patience is key with guys because they are often on coourting behavior when you first start which may be completely the opposite of who they really are.

Going slow is good, and don't be scared of what you learn, be honest with it. Acknowledge good and bad immediately without taking it personally.

See, guys are hunters and they search for the best bait to use for their prey. It's your job to make sure the bait they use on you is a part of who they really are and not false. Few men can keep up the facade long term, so you have to go slow and be patient.

First, be fair with yourself, being cautious with feelings isn't all bad. The walls aren't there to be "scaled" since they protect you from bad things as well. But you are the guard at the gate, too, so you can open the door as much as is appropriate as you continue to test his sincerity. This is all good.

Second, be fair to your dates. All men are not alike. Some WILL take advantage of you when they learn what your buttons are, others will learn what your buttons are and use that knowledge to protect/enhance your relationship. And neither type will do this 100% the same each time. And even if you end up right back where you started, you keep your sanity because it's THEM that are losing out when they turn out to be schmucks, not you. Starting over again because the last guy was a loss is good, imagine NOT taking the time to fend these guys off properly and finding yourself married to one. UGH!

At least you acknowledge some of what you obsess about is baggage. Not all women do. You're an emotional creature so it's natural for you to take inventory of your life and relationships. It's only baggage if it actually stops you from acting. If you simply refer to it often when dealing with life, that's not baggage, that's experience. And good for you.

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Thank you very much for such a thorough response. It makes so much sense what you are saying, and honestly, gives more perspective than much of the counseling I have received. I will try my best to take things slow and give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure I will trip along the way, but I am trying. It is harder than most people imagine to get over emotional and verbal abuse.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Ask him about him, and his life. Get him talking about himself and pay attention, and don't push, as humor is a key to making him comfortable about talking to you, and give you a chance to get to know him. Its all about enjoying the process of learning about each other. How old are you both, if I may ask??

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Since we are taking things slow, I have the opportunity to ask him a lot of questions about himself. It's something I wish I had done before, but hindsight is 20/20.

To answer your other question, I am 25 and he is 34.

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Originally Posted by ampersandra

There's no need to severely chastise yourself for your actions. You know why you're doing them. You know it's not 100% your fault because of your past. You are already being responsible by making an effort to improve yourself and that really deserves applause.

Everyone has times when they are more defensive than usual, which makes them sound angrier, ruder, more confrontational. This may occur more frequently for you because of your experiences, but the average person with a good head on their shoulders will understand this and not take it so personally. From what you've said, the guy you're interested in seems like a pretty level-headed person. Even if you don't want to explain and give too many personal details to him, a simple apology and "I'm just having a bad day" will lighten things up. He should be able to easily accept this without any grudge. In fact, the apology will show you as being an even stronger character instead of someone who's scared of being vulnerable.

It's not really how much emotional baggage that will concern a friend/relative/significant other. It's how you deal with it.

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Thanks--- I am trying to improve myself. That's what this whole life thing is about after all; making mistakes and growing as a person by learning from them. It's the application of the lessons I've learned that seems to be the hard part. It's a delicate balance! I especially agree with your last sentence; how very true!!