Ask Me Help Desk - Should I get a divorce?

I have been married for 12 years with two kids. Our marriage was great for the first two years. My problem with my husband is that he never stands up for me. He has always put his family (bother, sister, mother, his relatives) first and I am second. Every time I tried to talk to him about his family he just shut me up and told me he did not want to hear it. I am a successful woman and I own my own business. I just do not understand why his family keeps putting me down. His family USED to live with us.

I got so tired of all this BS so I fought back. I told my husband that I wanted a divorce because I do not have anymore feeling for him. I must have woke him up. He has apologized and said he has changed and that we should work things out to save our marriage. He is a good father.

What do you think I should do? I have no more feeling for him as of now. Should I move on with my life and get a divorce?

Nobody can tell you whether you should get a divorce, That's a personal decision that you'll have to make for yourself. Is the fact that he doesn't defend you to his family the only issue? In what regard do they "put you down"? What would you like your husband to do about it? Keep in mind that he can't control what other people say or do, even his own family. He can always tell them to stop putting you down but that doesn't mean that they will. He can also refuse to speak with them if they won't treat you with respect. That's something that I think he should do. He should take the stand that "if you can't be respectful to my wife, then you and I have nothing more to say to each other." That may very well wake them up and get them to turn over a new leaf. Right now, to say that "you have no more feeling for him" and to be considering divorce seems a bit extreme.

I think you need a good marital/relationship counselor to review all of this. If it were just you and your husband, you might walk; but there are two children involved as well. I can only speak for myself, but I would walk over hot coals before another guy was raising my kids. I don't think you should fight in front of them, either. It might be necessary for you and him to sleep separately, so there is a lot to discuss and review.

I agree with George,a counselor is the only way to deal with this situation because there are more than just you two

Give the guy a chance to work this out, you just don't throw 12 years away, and you need to calm down first, and think without the anger, and frustration, before you do anything.

I would say, if you don't want to be there and there are no feelings left for him then leave. But have you done EVERYTHING in your power to make your husband realize what is happening within your marriage and the way you feel, if you have and you are still unhappy, then maybe you should look at a trial separation; divorce should only be considered as a last resort.
Just because he is a good father, isn't enough reason to stay, he needs to be a great husband too.
The resentment you are feeling can build and turn into a stronger negative feeling/emotion. It might be a good idea to talk it through with him rather than allow bad feelings get to boiling point, because the children will suffer more when the parents hate each other.

He needs to realize you and the children should come first in his life, then his family second. I really do hope you can work it out.

Thank you all for you time and great advices.
Even though he has been showing that he has changed, I do not think I will change my mind. I just want to be alone with the kids. It is hard to stay because the feelings are just not there anymore. The more he tries to work things out the more I am scare of him.

htruong43 writes: "The more he tries to work things out the more I am scare of him." His 'working things out' shouldn't be putting you in fear; marriage is a two-way street and needs open communication. He should not be trying to dictate the terms of your relationship.

You are going through 10 years of resentment, not exactly an easy thing to get over. Then there are other problems you may find with him, now that you have come to hold the "ball" (so to speak). Good for you standing up for yourself. Trial separations are great because you can go back if you're feelings change.
Good luck

Quote:

Originally Posted by htruong43

I have been married for 12 years with two kids. Our marriage was great for the first two years. My problem with my husband is that he never stands up for me. He has always put his family (bother, sister, mother, his relatives) first and I am second. Every time I tried to talk to him about his family he just shut me up and told me he did not want to hear it. I am a successful woman and I own my own business. I just do not understand why his family keeps putting me down. His family USED to live with us.

I got so tired of all this BS so I fought back. I told my husband that I wanted a divorce because I do not have anymore feeling for him. I must have woke him up. He has apologized and said he has changed and that we should work things out to save our marriage. He is a good father.

What do you think I should do? I have no more feeling for him as of now. Should I move on with my life and get a divorce?

Love changes over the years, but what you maybe are feeling the most and not realising it, is resentment and you've lost respect for your husband. I've just been there with my own husband, so you have my deepest sympathy.

The bottom line is his family resent you because you are successful, and they're probably not? You're self-sufficient, independent and reasonably smart? You must be, to have your own business. Ergo - that's why they have the problem with you. Your husband can't cope, so he says 'shut up'. (My husband hung up on me when I raised the issue of being called every name under the sun, and it's absolutely infuriating.) So - I took control, and you can do the same. If they can't, we can. I simply told him that if he was not prepared to stand up for me and would continue to allow disrespect, then I would deal with it myself and he was history because I would not stand with a man who is a weakling and cannot be respected or trusted to honour his marriage lines. When you married, your husband promised to 'honour' you - and by allowing you to be maligned, he is breaking that vow. You don't need to go as far as divorce, but you do need to give him time to ensure that he can do as he promised, and put his family in their place. Don't break up your marriage because your husband's weak, but show him how to be strong. As you said, he's a good father and probably has some other redeeeming characteristics for you to have married him in the first place.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greg Quinn

You are going through 10 years of resentment, not exactly an easy thing to get over. Then there are other problems you may find with him, now that you have come to hold the "ball" (so to speak). Good for you standing up for yourself. Trial separations are great because you can go back if you're feelings change.
Good luck

Had to spread the rep, Greg, but a separation is good, to let the emotional dust settle, and both sides can re evaluate their own feelings, and position. Much better than making impulsive decisions, based on highly charged emotions, and resentments, that have been building for years.