Ask Me Help Desk

Don’t know how I can tell him when I don’t like him to do something!

My fiancé has a guy friend who sends him naked women pictures from the internet, or sometimes send him some women picture of his friends’ girl friends. I told him I don’t like he email you all those naked pictures. My fiancé doesn’t like me to tell him what he should do, he think I am controlling him. But it’s bothering me. I don’t know how I can tell him when I don’t like him to do something. :confused:

I'm doing pre-marital counseling right now. One of the things that we just learned was kind of like this. They said that whenever you have to tell someone that you don't like what they are doing, start by telling them how it makes you feel. For example, instead of saying "You jerk, how can you look at this" say "When I see this happening, it makes me really sad, mad, etc. because..." They told us that this way the person is more open to hearing what you have to say and it isn't as confrontational.

Does that help? I would recommend pre-marital counseling to anyone who is engaged or thinking about it. Our relationship is already getting better.

Thank you for your reply, peggyhill! Appreciate it very much! I tried it before too! Now he just hide the email make sure I don't see it or delete it right after he reads. So basiclly he just hide everything that he know I wonld not like him to do. I feel like I just pushing him to hide things from me! :(

Quote:

Originally Posted by peggyhill

"I hate how you do this"

Um, that expresses her feelings.

Next question is why is he hiding this from her?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Um, that expresses her feelings.

Next question is why is he hiding this from her?

Absolutely. Sorry, I wasn't trying to say that she shouldn't tell him that. I should have phrased it differently. I will change my post so it's more accurate. :o But, yes, since they have already had the conversation and he knows, hiding it is absolutely wrong. I would question any guy who continues to do something knowing it hurst his girlfriend.

I think we need some clarity here,

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=2334649
As I see it, you and your partner, are from vastly different cultures, and upbring, so its only natural that his openness to sexuality, is causing you some major problems. Neither of you is right or wrong, and you must both learn to be more open to each others backgrounds. I must say he may be selfish, and reacts rather badly to your questions, and attempt to express yourself. (youthful inexperience?) Having said that, understand, when telling him how you feel, and make sure you add that you feel this way because your not use to it, and are unsure how to take it, and follow up with lots of love and understanding. And you understand that he hides these things to enjoy it in peace, so don't overreact, and take this personally. Your both learning each other, and I think one or two trusted female friends, can help you through this cultural conflict.That you bring these issues here is great, but a trusted friend is better. Is there someone who is that close to you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I think we need some clarity here

Tal, the link doesn't work. What is the background?

Try this link

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=2335172

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=2335220

Darn 'puters. Sorry about that!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I think we need some clarity here,

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=2334649
As I see it, you and your partner, are from vastly different cultures, and upbring, so its only natural that his openess to sexuality, is causing you some major problems. Neither of you is right or wrong, and you must both learn to be more open to each others backgrounds. I must say he may be selfish, and reacts rather badly to your questions, and attempt to express yourself. (youthful inexperience?) Having said that, understand, when telling him how you feel, and make sure you add that you feel this way because your not use to it, and are unsure how to take it, and follow up with lots of love and understanding. And you understand that he hides these things to enjoy it in peace, so don't overreact, and take this personally. Your both learning each other, and I think one or two trusted female friends, can help you thru this cultural conflict.That you bring these issues here is great, but a trusted friend is better. Is there someone who is that close to you?

Thank you for your reply, again!
I have a close girl friend, and we talk about relationship issue all the time. But he doesn't like I talk with her about our relationship (she is also his friend), he says, it's bad for him because she might changed perspective the way she looked at him, and it's unfair to him because she just knows my side of the story, and he feels odd when he see her...

It sounds like you've already told him. That's all you can do. Now your fiancé has one of two choices ; either comply with your request or ignore it. If he chooses to ignore it (and that seems to be the case here) then you've got to decide whether you can live with his continuing to receive e-mails of pictures of naked women from this friend. Only you can decide that. If it were me, I personally would not live with it but that's just my opinion.